| Add Memory | Add To Friends | |
| lp13a13ex54x (profile) wrote, on 5-11-2003 at 12:09pm | |
| Current mood: sick Music: "Headstrong"-Trapt Subject: sick sick sick... |
|
| hey there buhdees. havnt updated in a while, my b. im so fucking tired right now and i feel like shit. my throat hurts, head hurts, everything just hurts this morning. my situation with that guy that ive mentioned several times in the past couple entries? hell get his. i feel bad because its sort of amusing to sit back and watch and for once, not be the one thats getting their heart ripped out. i still feel the same way though. love is fucking bogus. and nothing right now can convince me otherwise. im talking to bryan and emma (john) on aim right now. well, i went to the mall the past couple of nights. it was pretty fun because i got to see eddie on friday night at the mall. <3 him. hes a really sweet guy and i feel like there would have been no better time for him to come into my life. with all of this **** bullshit, like i sed...NO BETER TIME. i finally feel semi free of my feelings for him. i feel bad that hes been hurting lately but its like he has no remorse whatsoever for what he has put me through. like he doesnt even care. hell, if he really does then he sure as fuck isnt showing it. but i guess you can say that im happy now. if happy is even something remotely possible to feel at this time. im glad that im realizing all of this now. its never to late you know, to realize that youre something more than what youve been holding yourself to be. i actually confronted him about alot of things that might actually have been better to keep in the dark, but at least he knows now. and i believe it is better that way, for the bother of us, even though the reality of "the both of us" will never again be as appealing to me as it has in the past. well buhdee, since you havnt been updated in quite the long while, bryan and renee are going out. im really happy for them because they are both really great people. i wouldnt have it any other way.<> you know these desires you get every so often to punch somebody in the face? kathy..WHAT was she wearing on friday? lol. god im glad that i finally got myself out of that situation and im sorry to be talking so much about it but you have no idea how great it feels to step out of those shoes and look at the big picture for once. i was jealous of THAT>? that thing? and i stress the word thing to the highest extent known to man. i need to stop laughing before the headache concumes my entire body and i end up having a spasm. heh. i really cant help it though. i wish i could have always laughed at this situation as i am now. and to everyone thats ever wanted to openly smack me in the face for the simple fact that i brought myself to his level to begin with...thanks, i needed that. and for everyone who said that it was gonna be ok and i doubted..i owe you. im not much candy to the eyes indeed, but i know that im better than that. there are enough prostitutes on this earth and she just takes the cake, ha. but in all honesty, which is something ive been having problems with myself lately, the impossible has happened. things truly ARE better now. whether its because of eddie, or my other friends constantly reassuring me of what i never thought to be a possibility, ...then again...maybe it was myself all along. people come and go in your life. and while you may wish to look back on the memories and cherish them, its not always the best thing if it brings you the most tears. im glad im not doing that to myself, even though now and again i think about it. about him, i mean. it makes me cringe to know that me, and even people out there who may be just like me, would think of hurting themselves over people who wouldnt even think to do anything like that for the other person. love isnt a word that you just toss around. and just as amazing it can make one feel, it can be that painful in return. my advice to anyone out there, i may not know the exact words to explain what love really is, but i know it when i feel it. if you dont plan on being there in the long-run, save the both of you the heartache and dont even say it. it just fucks with someones mind and makes them think that you give a damn, when the honest truth is that you dont. im not going to ramble on about anything else because for what ive done to myself doesnt give me the right to preach on to someone else. this just helps me release a bit and have something i can look back on in case i ever need it again. in case i ever get the feeling in the pit of my being that he does care about me..i can look back on this and save myself from falling into all of that again. because none of it was worth it. and nothing at all ever will be again. whatever color my heart is now, be it gray as it feels, shit happens. but i dont ever wanna go through that again. this may just as well be me repeating what i have numerous times both outlloud, and in my head. but you had a choice to read this or not, so if you dont like it, you shouldnt be here. may i suggest rotten.com or possibly freakhole.com have a nice day you guys happy mother's day. @---->----Love Alwayz----<----@ Steph*~ |
|
| Post A Comment |
|
| Anonymous | *STABS JOURNAL FOR DELETING COMMENT* *throws it in a blender wit acid* ....*koff* *starts again*, 05-11-03 1:01pm ..XD eheh.. yea. least mes remember wot me said. but yea.. shes looked like a grand theft auto vice city trailer-trash prostitute.. =P yu shuldnt've been jealous of TAT dude.. i mean.. really... twas so funny.. but dude.. she shuldn't be allowed ta wear that.. lol
|
| Anonymous | what an ass, 05-11-03 1:15pm i'm not sure..But I have a feeling who U're talking about. Steph, you had the potential to be free from all Of this the entire time. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, because shit like this this, it's really hard, believe me I know. If you want someone 2 put shame on you and tell you that you wasted your time with short shit..it's not my job. All i'm guna say to you is that i'm really proud of you, and that's all. You're such a good person and you deserve the best out of life. I don't ever want 2 see you down like that again. I love you baby, I really do. peace. Mike
|
Anonymous | Re: what an ass, 05-12-03 3:27pm Right there wit ya!I am all over any one who messes" hurtfully "wit the gal ;) |