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:: 2010 1 September :: 11.18pm

No dreams to speak of, that I can ever recall, I know there's been atleast three since my last post, but hell if I can recall anything to make more than a single sentence.

But dreams are not for tonights post, oh no this actually happened today.

At work I was helping a little boys mom with some things she was dropping off, and he's got down syndrome or something. But anyways after I'm done, he comes up to me, sticks out his hand. I take it and shake it, he looks up at me in the eye, and excitedly says "METAL DEATh ROCK!"

That was the extent of our interaction hahaha. I don't think his mom was able to understand what he said, but I sure did, once they left I was laughing way too hard. Least someone likes how I dress.

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ax4241

:: 2010 1 September :: 12.18am

I would have also accepted asshat, cuntasaurusrex, and from you, prick. I think that is the worst of them all, and I admit, that is what I was. I can never make up for that now, and, it really sucks.

I miss you, and want to talk, but it never says you are on MSN when I am on and I dunno if it's because you unfriended me or are invisible.

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butterfly

:: 2010 30 August :: 3.41am

I just finished a book.
No. I didn't write it. I wish I had. But I wouldn't want that to be inside my head.

Such A Pretty Face - Cathy Lamb.

It cut to my very core. And I don't really have friends I can talk to about it. Or family. My best friend and sister moved to Baltimore to be with a man. And I can't say anything because I almost moved to Utah for a man. And then I almost moved to Michigan for another. Hello, hypocrisy.

I don't have anything to say. I just had to say all this nothing to get it out of me.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 29 August :: 9.51pm
:: Mood: happy

Kitten!
Last week I adopted a little black and white kitten from a vet's office in Wilton--she was surrendered as part of a litter of seven, all needing homes.

She'll be 5 weeks soon, and she's the sweetest little thing. I've been taking her to work with me and she's a big hit with the kids, unsurprisingly. She's so friendly and curious and playful. I truly love her.

I've decided to call her Hachi--her namesake is a character from the anime/manga Nana, but hachi is also the word for eight in Japanese, which I find appropriate, since I got her in August.

Picture below! Read more..

The day before yesterday was the sixth anniversary of my father's death, and probably thanks in large part to Hachi, I'm doing pretty well. In his honor, I bought a telescope to look at Mars, which on that same day was closer to Earth than it has been in 60,000 years. It didn't work out, unfortunately. But at least I tried.

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ax4241

:: 2010 25 August :: 5.43pm
:: Music: Lily Allen ~ Littlest Things

Sadness
So, if you see the song I'm listening to, it's been on repeat for about an hour.
It makes me sad. I miss how things were before, and the song fits everything that's going on perfectly. I miss you. I don't know why I do this to myself and even more so, don't know why I did this to you, everything was so great and then I fuck up... I need help and to talk to you...

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leaf	:: 2010 20 August :: 10.40pm I make the things I do because it is hard, not because it is easy. ♫♫♫(Comment)

oceanchild

:: 2010 19 August :: 1.43pm
:: Music: Sweet Disposition --The Temper Trap

Panic attack woke me at 2:00 a.m. last night. Paced trembling about the house for what seemed like ages but may have only been half an hour--I didn't look at the clock again.

My sleep has been fitful and easily disturbed lately, which is odd, since I haven't had any sort of caffeine in weeks. I've been shying from the idea of consulting a psychiatrist, not because I have anything against psychiatry but because I'm tired of having to pay for medical appointments. It has not been a healthy year for me. Still, maybe I should. Things don't seem to be improving all too much and I'd rather not continue suddenly waking in terror in the middle of the night.

In other news, I'm getting a kitten next week, one of a litter surrendered to a vet's office in Wilton. I'm very excited and have already started to stock up on kitten supplies. I will prove it happened with pics once she comes home with me.

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leaf

:: 2010 17 August :: 12.33pm

Mid-last week I had a dream about Taryn. We were hanging out, or rather, initially I was driving. It was through a snaking mountainside road, like those west of Bellingham, through a sprawling residential area. Blue skies and nice cool weather just like I remembered from being there. I gradually stopped at a house by a path that cut down and across the mountain. This is where I met up with Taryn. I can't even place why, but she was speaking to me on friendly terms, almost as if she was wanting to make an effort. I didn't say anything harsh, and we played follow the leader along the path, walking along the top of cement retaining walls and logs, having a bit of fun while discussing and thinking.

The day was great, sun streaming through the forest canopy, the crunch and swish of partially wet leaves and the gravel along the path. Things smelled fresh.

As we reached the end of the pathway, we said farewell and parted ways. I woke up and can't understand why I wouldn't have had my regular reaction to seeing her.

She's one of the few people I really, truly despise.

On the topic of weak girls that I despise, last night I had a dream I was speaking on skype with Sadie. Quite amiably as well, I couldn't understand why I wasn't livid with her, and actually making an effort to catch up with her. The conversation seemed one-sided, with her responses being one or two words mostly.

We were being friendly, and why I would have even been considering giving this girl a second chance, I can't even understand. The dream starts to feel off this time, my own normal reaction of being unforgiving towards her starts to make the dream fall apart.

Between the end of this one and waking up, I vaguely recall being back in the 'mall' which frequently reoccurs in my dreamworld. This time I was walking by the toy store in a small cut-through walkway, the store tucked away into the sides of the walkway. I stop and look at some bizarre barrel-thing filled with sludge and sticks with plastic hooks to catch whatever it is inside. I try fishing up something, and dredge up a large goo covered Shrek toy. I speak with some of the employees there, even they're not sure what the barrel-thing is exactly supposed to be.

We chat for a few moments, exchange pleasantries, I get tired of having nothing to say to these people and say I should get going, have fun. As I walk away my dream dissolves under the blare of my alarm.

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leaf

:: 2010 13 August :: 9.58pm

Today I was asked, when I was talking about my living arrangement, don't you ever get lonely?

Quote honestly, no I do not. On occasion sure, but I only rarely seek people out to see. My friends can probably attest to this, they might get a few text messages every few days from me, more often if I particularly like them, and I might ask if someone wants to get together for a few hours once a week or three, but that's the extent of it.

I'm quite comfortable and happy to be entirely alone. I don't need someone else to validate my opinions, to agree on what's funny, or to keep me entertained. If anything, it's difficult to turn that incessant voice in my head off, and be absolutely still.

Being alone doesn't make me nervous, or upset, or feel like I'm deficient. I've done partying, I know I could be social if I wanted, but that's not what interests me, or what I want my life to be about.

What makes me feel at peace, calm and clear, is to be be myself, maybe some music in the background, while I work on whatever project I've decided to undertake. Right now it is writing out lines of poetry in calligraphy as nicely as I can manage. Other times it's sculpture, models, drawings, or paintings.

Often I don't even show what I make to people, I place it in a box, file it into the stack of boxes, and start on the next work.

I asked in return, what's so terrible about being left to your own thoughts?

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ax4241

:: 2010 13 August :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Mo-mor-morning-wood

No longer have a wife to call my own. Me and Ashley are done, seems she can't take me being me. Well, to bad for her, because this is me.

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animehoshi

:: 2010 12 August :: 7.53am

At least this is the last day of this ridiculously placed class. I'm not sure what my grade is going to be since I almost never do homework. At least I wrote the papers I was supposed to. I really like the teacher though. I don't know. I guess the teacher is the only one in my class I have anything in common with. Too bad I'll never see him again since this is in katy and I normally go to stafford. That's about an hour's drive saved each day.

I listened to Ottesen's album on the way here. Its sweet and personally I like how it's in English and I can understand it all. The song 'Juliet' makes me smile. He sings in english very nicely, but sometimes you can still hear his specific dialect's accent come through. It sounds sour. Not as in bad sour, but as in its got this bitter kick and a tiny hint of spiciness to it. That probably sounds a bit odd, but that's how I'd describe it. And apparently he's a family man, too. Cute!

Time to take the test.

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leaf

:: 2010 8 August :: 1.07am

Last nights dream, I can barely remember. Someone close to me was incredibly disappointed in me, and increasingly so every time I tried to say or fix anything. It kept getting worse until my feeling of dread was overwhelming, when I began to realise this wasn't real, and forced myself awake.

Prior to that all I can recall are flashed of fire consuming everything.

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leaf

:: 2010 7 August :: 7.12pm

Since this pissed me off so much the other night. So for future reference:

To connect your DS to Nintendo WIFI, your settings need to be:

SSID broadcast ON
Wireless Preamble MIXED 11b + 11g
WEP set ON and ten digit code, easiest is your own phone number
Auto-Assign IP address ON
Transmission Rate 1MBPS, NOT auto or greater than 2mbps

Also my Automatic Pokewalker Walking Machine seems to be working well.

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animehoshi

:: 2010 7 August :: 10.16am

I'm sitting in my algebra class right now during a review. I feel very bad not really paying attention, but as I always say, this is just review for me. The only thing I really need to study is matrices. And multiplying them, but even then, after doing a few of those, I've got that down.

I really need to get my plans for this week. I'm definitely not going to post things on weekends, though. Weekends are going to be my work days to prepare for the week. That willl be much easier on me and help me get everything out on time. I think I will just finish off this week today, and then get started on next week tomorrow. I also really need time to draw as well. I haven't had time to finish one drawing ALL summer.

I had an interesting dream last night. I don't even know what type of institution it was, but I met an Australian. And fell in love with him. However, I vowed I would have nothing to do with this man, but you know how those things go. He was a bit reserved and very much into the outdoors. I was frilly, shy, and liked to be indoors. But we fell in love. And finally in the back of an auditorium of some sort, we kissed. And it was just like the first kiss I had with Kristen. But right after, I began crying because it reminded me of Kristen and I felt so guilty for betraying him. But the *ussie comforted me, telling me not to cry, like Kristen does, only he allowed me to continue, instead of trying to make me stop as soon as possible.

And then things started getting really weird. It was his birthday and his mother had me hide a gift in our room (he and I were sleeping in the same room, though we weren't having sex). I did so, and then things began jumping around and his sister warned us we had to leave since we were in danger. I began packing and then ran outside, when he grabbed my hand into, and a kid you not, an alien spacecraft. It was embedded deep under the sea, but his family, which turned out to quite extensive, was able to get it out, and we began flying away. We were well out into space when the family held a meeting in a small room with a stage. The stage itself wasn't being used, but the room was rather crowded.

I stayed outside, even though I was invited to join the discussion. I was just worrying about earth and my mother and just everyone in general. He walked outside and held me during this time. I asked why he was out here with me, and he said it was because he loved me, and then I just broke down because this meant was never going to see Kristen again. In fact, he was probably going to be eaten. On the good side, it meant that I could be with this aussie without having to choose, but I still loved Kristen so deeply, I couldn't let him go. I told the aussie I wanted to go back, and two things happened at once, like time splitting into to universes. In one, he asked me if it was because I still loved kristen. I answered truthfully, saying it was, but that I also loved him just as much and that I'd do anything to be with both.

So we went back, and found on a computer that the reason the two fish were attacking was directly because the spaceship was moved out of the ocean. And then at some point I woke up.

I think this dream is, obviously, about Kristen being on the other side of the planet in Norway. I miss him terribly and love him so much, but I also miss the physical closeness and accessibility. The aussie was basically a replacement for Kristen since he wasn't there, and the aussie was kristen no 2, I did sincerely love. I miss Kristen and am finding I need him.

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leaf

:: 2010 5 August :: 11.06pm

I've had odd random dreams, but nothing coherent enough or memorable enough that I could make an entry out of it.

This last sunday night though I was out on the balcony at jack and jamies, smoking in the relatively cool night.

While standing out there though, flicking my cigarette over the edge, as I walk in and sit down on the couch, Jack turns to the door and says ok, why did something small and green just walk across the balcony floor.

he shrugs it off just as quickly and chalks it up to being in close proximity to me, my WeirdBoy energy is barely being contained and bleeding out into reality.

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animehoshi

:: 2010 1 August :: 10.37am
:: Mood: excited

dreams
I'm excited to see Inception. I wonder what they will posit about the nature of dreams. I used to be fascinated by dreams, but now I've come to pretty much accept them as they are. I want to regain my curiosity, though. The commercials seem to imply a way of lucid dreaming. I'd like to see what they say. Won't know until I watch it.

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animehoshi

:: 2010 31 July :: 11.30pm
:: Mood: geeky

I just got a Blackberry and am updating from it right now. Everyone I know is probably sick of hearing about it right now. I was just thinking about how momentary everything is. Anyway, I forgot where I was going with this. Oh well. This is probably the least introspective entry I've written in this thing.

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leaf

:: 2010 31 July :: 2.45am

Who am I?
I am Aaron Van Miller, Aaron Martin Sawatsky Miller, Yo Ne Rah' Donh' Doh, Hanging Leaf, Leaf, Kensley, VolatileSky, Vicious. I am all these things and none. I am a maker, a designer, a drawer, a photographer, a painter and a sculptor. I am strong, and I am amazingly vulnerable. I am the kindest and cruelest person you will meet. I am stable with an unwavering constitution. I won't leave the house because I can't stop trembling or crying. I will do the nicest things to try and show I care in my own way. I will lash out of anger for no reason other than a perceived slight. I am a fractured personality that will lose itself in sleeping pills and alcohol to forget the world. I'm ambivalent towards nearly everything I encounter. I am passionate to a point of intensity I don't think many understand. I am a potential Seer. I am a member of secret societies and a witness to nearly forgotten traditions.

I think there's a barely contained madness behind my eyes.

What do I really want in life?
I want to feel everything again. Like I am. I want to feel absolutely alive like I have been lately. I want to feel the blood coursing through my veins and the beat of my heart making me tremble. I want to exhaust myself making things, writing and smoking every single night until I stumble to bed, drunk with fatigue. I want to feel like this forever.

The only thing I wish I could add to this, isn't a thing. I want to find another individual, I want to find a lover; a partner. I've already lost myself within myself. I now only want to lose a part of myself within another. I want to know and find that there's someone out there that feels as intensely as I do. That I can place trust and faith into another individual.

I want to let my guard down. Just once. And not be betrayed.

What kind of people do I thrive around?
Those that are open and honest. That have a creative streak, and a way of seeing the world that's different from the usual views. They use a different language, and see through the veil of our daily lives clearly; even if they get caught up in it. They create things. They break down. They cry and laugh and feel things as much as I do. Most importantly they make things, with words or sound or paper or paint or actions. They show a piece of themselves to the world.

What kinds of relationships do I thrive in?
Where I can see that flame in their eyes. They see or hear things like I do, that others can't. Where it's genuine rather than hiding with pretense and language. Where it's not an intrusion to get together at 3am to smoke and talk.

I thrive best in relationships that burn like a shooting star, so fast, intense and bright that it hurts to look at before it disappears.

What impact do I want to make with the people I interact?
I want to be a stable presence, the one person who won't betray. To show that I'll always be here, through my mood swings and ranting and fixations, to always be here to speak about their problems. To show that there's more to this than video games messenger clients reality tv txting. That there's more to be passionate about in life than they could believe, if only they'd look and give up the safety of an established routine.

What am I most passionate about?
I can bring it down to four things which rule me every day.
Being fair, and doing what I consider is 'right'.
Creating things to make my imagination manifest.
Of trying to cut through my own cloud of emotional instability and biases to see things clearly.
To find the second of the two girls I saw in my dream a decade ago now. I found one, it's time to find the other.

I hope my feeling isn't wrong, that if she is as similar to me, it's going to take me not only to find her, but to bring her back from the brink. This rotten world ruins what we could have been as individuals. But for right now, I feel like fighting.

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leaf

:: 2010 28 July :: 12.29am

I was asked, "If you could choose your method of dying and the place in which you will die, where would you like to die and how?"

Screaming orders into voice-tubes from the bridge of my Panzerluftschiffe (Amoured Zeppelin), demanding continued fire of all flak batteries and cannons, launching fighters to intercept, and to commence our bombing run onto the metropolis below.

All would be going to plan until a lucky shell would manage to penetrate the command deck plating. The utter surprise that I am fallible shocking me, I would not notice my still smoking pipe drop from my mouth, or my own impact with the deck moments after. And as I lay bleeding out on the cold steel, my First Officer would kneel down as he comes to assist me, trying to assure me I'll pull through, that I'll live to fight again at the helm, that I can't die we have only begun this grand adventure.

And before my strength left me entirely, I would turn to him and say "To die would be a grand adventure."

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leaf

:: 2010 27 July :: 11.01pm

Around three nights ago now, I had a dream.

I find myself wandering the corridors of a large, open spaced installation. The corridors themselves are huge, 35' or more tall and wide, some sort of blue/indigo onyx-like substance lining the floors in huge solid sheets, polished to a mirror. I pass a number of intersections, some corridors depths lost as they bend around a corner, while I remain set on straight ahead, slowly eating up the distance to the chamber that must be nearly a km away atleast.

The indigo onyx works its way up the walls like barrel vaults, the ceiling and walls dome into one another, made of another indigo material that this time is transparent. The glint of sunlight is coming through the ceiling, whether this is underwater or in space I'm not sure.

I continue walking down the corrider, taking several minutes of my long stride to cover the distance until I begin to approach another chamber, this one easily 200 feet across or more, the onyx pathway narrowing through the chamber, no handrails present as it forms walkways over the hundred foot drop to the floor below.

In the centre is a huge bank of medical and scanning equipment, hoses and pumps, multiple huge glowing monitors with slowly changing diagrams and charts, manipulator arms with syringes and other implements. I see the thing this equipment is meant to take care of.

All that protrudes above the walkway I'm on is a head the size of which is around thirty feet just at where it comes above the walkway. It slowly turns to focus two relatively small eyes on me as I come to a stop at the entrance.

I sigh and pick up my pace again.

I speak with it, him, simple questions on his condition, if there is any pain, or anything which needs tending to. Its mouth is a huge gaping maw of dagger like fangs. It manages a leering, lop-sided smile, imitating one of my gestures, and rumbles no. I reach up and put a hand to its cheek. Its entire face is covered in gauss bandaging. It breathes out slowly as I lean up and put my arms out to it, giving it a hug. I see his eyes close in content before I pull away.

It moves again, bringing one of its eyes level with mine, and we speak longer as it sizes me up again. I suppress the reaction of wincing and remain absolutely deadpan as we regard one another; the skin around the eye that isn't covered in bandaging is a dark red colour, wrinkled and scarred, almost wax-like, and I force myself to remain deadpan as I realize/recall that it suffered horrific burns some time back. We cover a number of topics, I can't recall what beyond mentioning I will return in a few hours time to change its bandaging, and it sighs an affirmative. The conversation turns to our destination, or where we are leaving from, I'm unsure. I see his eye move up and over my head to regard something behind me. I turn to see one of the panels of this huge spherical chamber turns transparent.

We are looking out over a star field, a blue sphere suspended almost parallel to us, jewel like in its cerulean, white powered swirls of clouds across its surface.

We agree on something before the dream ends, I can't recall what.

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