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oceanchild

:: 2010 19 August :: 1.43pm
:: Music: Sweet Disposition --The Temper Trap

Panic attack woke me at 2:00 a.m. last night. Paced trembling about the house for what seemed like ages but may have only been half an hour--I didn't look at the clock again.

My sleep has been fitful and easily disturbed lately, which is odd, since I haven't had any sort of caffeine in weeks. I've been shying from the idea of consulting a psychiatrist, not because I have anything against psychiatry but because I'm tired of having to pay for medical appointments. It has not been a healthy year for me. Still, maybe I should. Things don't seem to be improving all too much and I'd rather not continue suddenly waking in terror in the middle of the night.

In other news, I'm getting a kitten next week, one of a litter surrendered to a vet's office in Wilton. I'm very excited and have already started to stock up on kitten supplies. I will prove it happened with pics once she comes home with me.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 22 June :: 7.50pm

Some notes.
I've been ill. Some weird stomach thing that started in February and has been getting steadily worse since April. Blood tests have revealed nothing. I can identify no patterns. I've been on anti-nausea medication for about a week and yesterday for the first time was able to eat a little without it. It's frustrating because it comes and goes, so I never know what to expect; and it's terrifying because vomiting is my worst and most long-lived phobia. Of course being exhausted and weak from lack of food does not help my general mental state.

The truck is home at long last. I picked it up yesterday. The people who had it really did an impressive job--it looks and feels as good as new. It's so nice to have it back. I'd grown unused to it from driving other cars for so long, but even so, driving it feels like coming home after a long absence. I love this truck, and every time I look at it and know that now it's truly mine, I feel a pride so intense that my breath catches in my chest. All the same, the reunion is a little bittersweet. It's difficult to explain, but I feel as though it's somehow selfish for me to be happy about having it for my own. I used to feel like there was something of my dad in the truck, watching out for me...now I wonder if I've lost that privilege because I was too irresponsible and didn't show it respect when I had the chance.

Starting in July, my hours at work will double and I'll also get a dollar raise. It's encouraging to know that my work is good enough to warrant rewards. I just love this job, and it keeps getting better and better. I'm provided with lunch every day, now--we have a new cook, and if what's on the menu isn't vegetarian friendly, she makes something special for me.

One of my closest friends (one who lives in LA, so our only contact is online) has really tossed me to the wayside in the past couple of months. His girlfriend is moving back home to the midwest, which spells trouble for their relationship. He's been spending every waking moment with her, which I understand, and I really do sympathize with his position. The thing is, he's been one of my best friends for years, and I've always made time for him when he needed it, even if it was a little inconvenient for me. Lately, things have not been good for me, and occasionally I've really felt like I needed his support--but my texts go unanswered, my IMs are ignored, or I'm told that he can't talk because he's with the girlfriend. It hurts, and I'm getting really sick of having friends that are only interested in talking to me when they need something or can't be with their SO for whatever reason. I try not to take it personally, but constantly being Plan B starts to damage the ego after a while despite my best efforts.

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butterfly

:: 2010 11 June :: 11.58pm

I had a dream in which I gave Sylvester Stallone a bj.
WHAT.
THE.
EFFFFF.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 3 June :: 6.52pm
:: Mood: excited

My truck is being fixed! I may get it back as soon as next week!

The airbags will still be blown, and once they're not my savings account will be, but that is a bridge I will not worry about crossing until I'm there.

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butterfly

:: 2010 29 April :: 5.00am
:: Mood: druuuunk.

21!!!

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oceanchild

:: 2010 18 April :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: gloomy

Friends
My mom and I were talking recently about my social life. She told me she worries I'm too isolated. That I've always enjoyed having a best girl friend, and now I don't (most of my good friends, and all of my local friends, are guys these days). That I don't even really have any friends my own age, who are interested in doing the same things that I am.

I protested that she needn't worry. I don't feel isolated because I'm constantly connected to my friends via the internet. If I want company, all I need to do is send an IM or an e-mail. And since Dria, I've consciously avoided defining a Best Friend. That's never worked out well for me...for some reason I always end up with jealous and possessive Best Friends. The situation with Dria blew up badly enough that I washed my hands of having a singular best friend completely...it's better to have a small number of really close friends without playing favorites, and I do have that, even if they live hours away in different directions.

I do feel isolated, though. In the days since our conversation, the things she said have stuck with me, and I realized they're true. I find myself missing Sasha and Adi a lot lately. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of my male friends, but I want some Girl Talk occasionally and I don't really get it anymore.

The internet is also not the answer to everything, like I made it sound. Most of the time my best friends aren't online. Even my boyfriend--everyone's busy with their own real lives (I do not resent this). And IMing, while nice and low-key, is not the same as hanging out in person, even when they are signed on.

Finally, there's only one friend I have in town that I feel really close to, and I never see him one-on-one. I hang out with him and his crowd regularly, but I don't really fit in with them. They're so different from me...it's not that they're unwelcoming (much the opposite), just that they've all known each other for years...they have their own shared jokes and interests. Since I can't participate in that, I can't help but feel like an outsider. Sometimes seeing them makes me feel even lonelier than being alone does.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 17 April :: 8.22am

My mom asked me yesterday if I wanted to go on a bird watching walk with her this morning. I said no, because today was the first day I've had to sleep in in two weeks. It will be the last day I have to sleep in for another week.

First, my mom came in and woke me up to ask why I wasn't getting ready for the bird walk; she had forgotten I said no. Then the damn dog started barking and wouldn't shut up. And now my sister and her boyfriend are having loud sex. It is 8:30. I went to bed after midnight last night because I was anticipating a nice leisurely morning.

I am beyond pissed off.

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butterfly

:: 2010 10 April :: 10.40pm

I miss this silly thing.

I got my promotion... Seven months late. But no complaints, I'm glad it worked out, if only because they needed it to. Wal-Mart... Oh Wal-Mart. Silly, chaotic place.

Um... McDonald's sweet tea is killer. That's about the only reason I ever go there. <3 it.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 10 April :: 11.18am

The Read-a-thon has commenced
I got up at 5:00 this morning to begin reading. (The times are staggered based on time zones, so that everyone in the world starts reading at the same moment. Pacific time's prescribed start was 5:00am.) I finished two books before needing to head to work. Once I get home, the reading will continue--and it's so quiet in the office right now that I might pull out The Flying Carpet and have at it.

All the chronicling will be going on at my other journal, phoenicis.livejournal.com. Check it out if you want to find out what literary shenanigans I am getting up to. =)

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oceanchild

:: 2010 8 April :: 8.40pm

Fud
I've been sick since last Friday night. Possibly a strange and prolonged response to some crab I had...the past several times I've eaten crab I've also ended up sick, though not nearly this bad. Sadness, because the reason I go to my favorite sushi place is to get two of their special crab rolls.

Went to the doctor today and got a prescription for anti-nausea medication. It's so nice to be eating real food again. I lost 10 pounds in the past 5 days. Whoa, and also not cool.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 2 April :: 2.43pm

24-hour Read-a-thon
I'm gearing up for the 24-hour Read-a-thon, which takes place next Saturday. Today I went to the new West Sac library, which has a distressingly small collection. I got four of the books on my long list, and ordered several of the others from the Davis branch.

What I'll be reading on the big day follows after the link...
Read more..

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oceanchild

:: 2010 22 March :: 3.11pm
:: Mood: amused

NPR
I listen to NPR on the way to work in the mornings. Today, unsurprisingly, the big buzz was the health care bill. Part of the story covered some anti-bill protests that went on over the past several weeks. They asked one of the anti-bill protestors for a comment, and what he said was:

"I'm afraid that if they pass this bill, it will be the end of health care as we know it."

Well, duh.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 22 February :: 10.35pm
:: Mood: frustrated

ded
It always makes me sad when one of my computers gives up the ghost, and tonight the one that did was my main computer, the one I bought while I was in Germany. Fortunately I saw it coming and was able to save my documents and important things, but it's frustrating. So much of my life is invested in these silly, fallible machines.

I hope that my uncle can help me fix it.

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butterfly

:: 2010 22 February :: 2.48pm
:: Mood: enthralled

WOOOOHU!!
I TOTALLY COMPLETED A NERDY TASK ALL ON MY OWN!!!

BE SO PROUD AND AFRAID OF ME NOOOOWWWWW.

*Happy Dance*

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oceanchild

:: 2010 3 February :: 7.35pm

Light Ribbons
Every month we go to the bridge near CSUS to watch the full moon. The last time, which was a few days ago, all the lights on the bridge were out. The darkness made for good stargazing; we picked out several satellites as we loitered there, waiting for the moon to rise.

Just before the Snyders arrived, I saw a huge flock of birds flying extremely high overhead. There were two V's, lit from below, which merged and separated and merged, so that they looked like ribbons of white light billowing across the sky. It was breathtaking.

In other news, I am twenty-three years old as of yesterday.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 29 January :: 7.13pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

Gainful Employment!
I recently interviewed for a job that I *REALLY* wanted. It was to work as the receptionist at a Spanish-immersion preschool (I don't speak Spanish but they said that was okay -- apparently the women who started the school don't either!).

Well, I GOT THE JOB! I start Monday. I'm SO excited!

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oceanchild

:: 2010 13 January :: 8.10pm

Flying Lawnmower
This made me laugh incredibly hard:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNWfqVWC2KI

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oceanchild

:: 2010 9 January :: 7.38pm

It's difficult to write journal entries, even when things are happening in my everday life, because I feel gloomy and uninspired. I want to keep in touch, and I know that in the future I'll wish I had kept a better record of my life, but the thought of trying to craft writing that is interesting and artistic is tiring.

I may have cracked a rib in the accident. Because it's not so painful that it's interfering, and because all that can be done for a broken rib is to take it easy, I don't intend to have it X-rayed. It does hurt pretty badly, though.

We're out of green sauce and this is a Sad Thing.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 3 January :: 3.32pm

haha woo it's 2010
I went to a New Volunteer Orientation at the Sacramento SPCA this morning. I'm really excited about doing this and can't wait to get started with the canine workshops -- after I finish training I'll be playing with and grooming dogs. During the middle of the orientation they turned us loose to explore the facility, and I made friends with a sweet brown and white dog with an enormous head. She was quiet and gentle and came to the cage door to offer me her ear for scratching.

Right before my car accident I had gotten this burst of inspiration to accomplish my goals and get back into doing the things I love, and the accident was a big blow to me in more ways than one. I'm recovered now from my minor injuries and the awful cold I came down with, but losing my freedom to move about the city and having to add the truck's not insubstantial repair to my list of financial obligations has me stymied and discouraged -- to say nothing of the emotional issues involved, since the truck holds a lot of sentimental value for me and I came so close to losing it.

I'm extremely grateful that I had already gotten the ball rolling on this volunteer work at the SPCA, and that it's picking up so soon after the new year. Having the work to look forward to is an auspicious beginning and, I hope, will help pull me out of this mild depression. Already I feel that if I can get out sans truck and work with the animals, there's nothing to stop me from going ahead with the other things I had planned before the accident, either.

So my fingers are crossed. 2009 saw me through a lot of changes and though it ended poorly, I have high hopes for the coming year.

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oceanchild

:: 2009 17 December :: 8.59pm
:: Mood: devastated

car accident
There was a four-car pile-up on the freeway today. I was the fourth car. I still don't really know what happened; it was all so fast. I remember slamming on the breaks and then suddenly there was a crash and the airbag punched me in the face. After it was over it took a few seconds for me to process what had happened -- I sat there in the quiet cab in disbelief, just gaping at the crumpled hood and the powder seeping like smoke into the cab from the dashboard.

After a few "oh shit"s and some other colorful language I made to move and discovered that the door was wedged shut. I managed to get it open just enough to slither out.

My injuries are minor -- my face hurts and there are some cuts on my neck from either the seatbelt or pieces of the steering wheel which blew off when the airbags deployed -- but the truck is fairly destroyed. Everyone except for a sweet hobo who stopped to talk to me as I was waiting for the tow truck has said that it'd be best to have it totaled.

Since it was my father's truck this is devastating news to me. At this point I just feel numb and I'm clinging desperately to any hope that it can be repaired.

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