2009 13 October :: 6.35 am
Here we go.
2009 11 October :: 10.32 am
I am exciiiiited!
I've been nervous for days and though I know once I get on the plane my stomach is going to be in knots again and I'm going to feel sick, that's ok.
I was freaking out about packing, but it's going surprisingly well so I think that's helping my anxiety a bit. I was also stressing a bit about all of the things I had to buy, but everything I need right away is purchased and I have money for what I need when I get there.
I feel like Wednesday cannot come soon enough. For a while I was almost dreading this and sad, but I think it's coming at the best possible time for me. I think it's what I should be doing. I know the first month is probably going to suck, I'm going to want to come home, and it's going to be exceptionally hard, but it not being easy is probably what makes the journey worth it.
When I fly solo, I fly so high.
2009 8 October :: 11.42 pm
I just watched my little niece walk for the first time. And I cried.
Someday, far far away, I am excited to be a mom.
(Adoption, of course).
2009 8 October :: 9.31 am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit - Poke
Nights like last night make me not want to leave.
I love it here.
Nonetheless, it's time to move on. :)
2009 6 October :: 11.24 am
:: Music: Bright Eyes
Began last night.
2009 5 October :: 7.07 am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit - Keep yourself warm
Unbounded hook ups.
I don't think I could ever become someone like that. Even the thought of it makes me feel sick. I can't see that feeling good or right. I'll never be one of those people. I don't know what it is about me, but something about it is sacred in a way. I've thought about it, talked about it, made jokes about it, but there's no trophy case or number high enough to make me intrigued. I've had my chance and I thank my cold feet. It's gross and futile. Oh, what is this world becoming? How am I to know?
At times I've tried to be something I'm not. It's never worked out for me.
You won't find love in a- won't find love in a hole.
It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself- see in the dark!
Can you see the look in your face?
The flashing white light's been turned off.
You don't know know who's in your bed.
It takes more than fucking someone you don't know to keep warm.
Do you really think that for a house beat you'll find your love in a hole?
2009 4 October :: 2.21 pm
:: Music: Brand New
The Brand New concert was amazing. I've never been to a concert where a band played so long and incorporated every single album, and not just one song, but at least a few from each. Even their first album. Not only that, but they gave a lot of their songs a new style and changed them up a lot to keep them interesting, but have their fans still be able to sing along. Jesse's voice is even more powerful, beautiful, and soft in person. I got teary eyed when they played some songs from Deja Entendu. In front of me there was this one guy who was just SO into it. He was drunk, of course, but I didn't see him as obnoxious. He knew the words, he felt the music, and he was just so into it and then to my right there was another guy who was also really feeling it. I don't know.. I guess seeing other people, complete strangers especially, connecting to something as much as I do is just a beautiful thing. To know that though we're all different, strangers, and life separate lives we can all have an emotional, deep connection to something breath taking. It doesn't matter how someone dresses or how they look, some people will completely surprise you. And it's not about having similar tastes in music, it's about connecting to words on such a level that you feel your entire body bursting at the seams. I think that, itself, is breath taking.
2009 4 October :: 8.24 am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit
As each day comes to an end I am starting to freak out a little more. I am not ready, I don't know what to pack, the physical training is going to kill me, waking up at 5:30 is going to kill me, not having my own space, sitting in classes, etc. etc. etc.
I am a very routine person. I love to experience new things, I love to travel, I love to be spontaneous and just go, and I love learning new things, but when it comes to my every day normal life I am very routine and organized.
I am scared, I am nervous, but when I really think about my life I can't imagine going on how I am. Yeah, it's been great and fun and I've made tons of amazing memories, but am I really living with purpose? No. Am I making any sort of change? Other than recycling, no. My biggest purpose in life cannot be recycling. So, this is it.
I kind of want to struggle and be disciplined and not want to wake up every day and help other people, but do it anyway. Generally people live very selfish lives and I can easily say I do and it's time for a change.
I suppose what I am most nervous about is how the people are going to be. My team leaders and team mates. I don't know what to expect and I want to go in being myself, but what if who I am doesn't mesh with my team? And what if everyone just looks at me as a joke because I'm not exactly muscly. I really don't want people to look at me as weak. Though I won't say I can't lift a whole lot and I may not be all that strong physically, but I do think I am bringing something to the table worth value.
Ugh. None of this matters. I am doing this either way. Worrying is stupid. I am just anxious and want to be there already so I can see what I am dealing with and well, deal with it.
2009 30 September :: 11.44 am
:: Music: Sybris
I love taking pictures of people. Not because of the photos I get or what I capture, but because of how the models react when they see themselves. Hearing things about how they've never seen themselves that way or how they feel attractive. How it's the first time they've actually liked how they looked in photos. Or how they never thought they could model, but now they do, etc. I love it. I love making people feel good about themselves and have something they want to show off and feel proud about. People often ask me why I like taking photos of people so much and why I don't really take photos of other things often. Well buildings, trees, and animals, as great as they are, don't react quite the same way. Taking a photo of them won't make them happy or feel good, they'll just be. I like helping people realize their beauty and in the process feel good about themselves.
2009 30 September :: 11.31 am
:: Music: Sybris
These last few weeks I've felt rather apprehensive. This year of my life has been so amazing and honestly the best year of my life. I'm not sure why exactly, nothing outstanding has happened. It's just.. I don't know. I've felt stronger and more in control and actually happy. Maybe it was leaving Australia and, really, going there in the first place. I gained a lot of independence leaving here and then there. I think it's also being single. I had a little drama here and there and definitely a few distractions and hardcore crushes, but no one really wants to put any effort into a rolling stone, which in the end really only paid off. I think most of it is seeing that I can actually be happy. I struggled with that a lot when I was young, because I was naive and well, young. And even when I experienced happiness it was always due to a relationship or for only instances. Depending on being sought after to be happy. I finally learned how to do that on my own and though one day I'd love to be in a relationship again, and I obviously will be, it's nice to know there's more to life and I can actually see that. It's important to learn how to be happy with yourself. I'm not sure how I did it, maybe because I had no choice, but I gained so much more confidence and learned who I was and what I truly cared about. I've never really felt comfortable in my own skin, probably due to those around me, but I can finally look in the mirror and like what I see. I can finally appreciate my body and say even though in some peoples eyes I'm not a "real woman" and I don't have some huge chest I actually love my body. I never thought I'd get to a point where I could say I liked my chest and I actually do. I even am to the point where I wouldn't want a big chest even if I had the choice. That may seem odd and it may also seem odd that I am even talking about this, but for a girl, from a girls point of view, that's a huge thing and somewhere I never thought I'd get. I don't think I'm the prettiest girl on the planet and I still see those around me who would put me to shame, but I've come to realize if everyone was "perfect" that just wouldn't be exciting or real and I'm a fan of reality I suppose.
So, back to the reason I'm feeling apprehensive! It's like as soon as things were right and I truly settled into something good it's time for me to go. It's like I don't want to say goodbye to this. I finally love and understand my family, I have actual, real friends that aren't like the people who are still stuck in High School, Grand Rapids seems to be really opening up and there's so much to do around here finally, and my Photography is really bringing in a lot of money and I've learned A LOT within the past month even. So it's like I am walking away from things I've worked hard to build or things that fell into place, but at the same time I know it's time for me to move onto something else. Something more gratifying, life changing, and growing. I've talked to a lot of people who have served and I've heard the same thing from all of them. They say it's really hard, you'll want to go home, you'll struggle a lot, but in the end it's one of the most amazing experiences ever and they are glad they persevered. I can't say I am exactly ready for it or prepared, and more than likely I'm going to be knocked on my ass, but I am ready to stick it through and stay along for the ride. If I settled into my life now I can't imagine how I would feel looking back wondering what different experiences I could have had. I don't want what most people want and I can't imagine living like those around me. So, in my eyes, I have no choice. And having no choice has never seemed so right.
Once I've served I'd like to get into an overseas program. I suppose I am a bit open to anything right now though. I think I'll get some opportunities once I am in CA and more options will be thrown at me so when people ask me what my plan is... well, it doesn't exist. How can I make a plan when I haven't lived the next year of my life yet? How can I know what I want or what I'll learn about? As far as I'm concerned college, careers, families, relationships, and plans can find some other poor sap to latch onto it. My plan is to live and find out on the way.
2009 18 September :: 7.16 pm
I don't believe in God, Heaven, Hell, angels, or even a higher power. I don't believe in soul mates, love at first sight, or "all you need is love." Nor do I believe "everything happens for a reason" or faith. But I do believe in timing. I think everything comes down to timing. And sometimes time is the most stubborn, slow, selfish thing. I don't have the best timing or even good timing really. My timing...fucking sucks and I'm trying to be patient, but I can clearly say patience has never been one of my strong suits. I've become restless and though I don't believe in things happening for a reason it seems as though nothing's working out due to no faults of my own. I'm not doing anything differently, I'll admit I'm not being active, but I've never really had to chase something so hard or been shut down so quickly. I'm not sure if it's because the universe just knows it's not right and though my heart feels torn everything else knows I'll make it through it and it's all shallow anyway. I know it may seem odd to say things like that since I previously stated I don't believe in much of anything, but I do believe in energies. I think not acknowledging the world and the way it somehow works together is silly. The nature of animals, human nature, nature itself.. we're all connected in this beautifully harmonious way and ignoring that would be far too ignorant.
I don't think everything is just a coincidence. I think it's all very intricate and everyone and everything observes and adapts in the most breath taking ways.
When you talk about a tumbleweed most people see it as something only found in old western movies or in deserts and if seen it's still thought of as simply weeds intertwined blowing across the land. Nothing too exciting. But when you really think about it's not just weeds blowing in the wind at all. It has broken free to live it's own life. It's doing a job, it's in charge of it's own existence, it's spreading itself everywhere it goes. It's traveling and in a sense doing what it's meant to do and then dying. I'm not trying to reach here or seem all deep, but I think of humans as tumble weeds in a way. From afar people are just interesting or something new. And once you get closer you start to learn and you see their purpose and learn their goals. They're not just traveling from place to place to gain new ground. They have a duty and a purpose and once they do what they need to do they die. But then to say we're all tumbleweeds isn't quite correct. I think some of us never become aerial. Some of us are primary's or lateral's. You implant, you absorb, and anchor yourself somewhere where you can get what you need. All the while never really seeing anything more than what's around you. You don't bother to travel great distances, you don't choose to interact with those around you, you pretty much keep to yourself and do what's best for you. You grow, you collect, you become stronger, but as far as changing into something else it just doesn't happen.
I also like to think of human sex much like insect sexual cannibalism. I know that may seem laughable and the female role is often reversed when it comes to humans, but I think comparing the two isn't so high of a leap. We lure them in, we take what we want, and in the end one of us dies. I know, I know.. a bit of a hyperbole, but taking it as a loose comparison you may be able to make a connection.
I could go on and on, but I suppose my main point is that we, the earth, are more in sync than we think. We're not so different from the miniscule or colossal things around us whether we're talking about how gears turn to make a machine operate, how a building is built to stand and hold, how animals prey and are predators, how plants grow and die.. comparing us isn't odd at all.
We're more alike than we think and than we'll ever know.
There is reason. On this earth, all around us. We're all constantly colliding in ways we sometimes don't even notice.
2009 18 September :: 6.38 am
:: Music: Manchester
I wanted to say I'm sorry, though the words I said don't lack truth. But truth isn't always permission to say whatever you feel. We all need a censor and for some reason mine wasn't sensing a damn thing. I like to think I'm in control and I keep myself in check. I didn't. I failed. I spoke when it wasn't my job to speak. I judged when it wasn't my place to judge. I became engrossed when there were no reasons (other than shallow ones) to do so. And, for that, I am sorry.
I don't expect any sort of forgiveness, acceptance, or even acknowledgment nor do I want that. I just feel at this point in my life there are things I have to let go of and anger that has to shed and if I'm going to do that it's time to move on entirely and get my thoughts somewhere other than just my mind. Even if every one else feels the same before or after my words, it may be selfish, but it helps me.
I don't hate you. I never could. Whether we're ever friends or even like each other, or have to simply tolerate each other, I won't do any of that with spite.
We just exist together and sometimes our existence will collide and all I'd really want is some sort of comfort when that happens rather arrogance or hate.
I'm rambling. Basically, a lot of what I did was out of line and though there's still anger inside of me it's time to let go so I am.
I hope you can too. If not, that's also ok. I'm not asking for anything.
Also, congratulations. I'm truly happy for you. I knew you wanted this really bad and ask anyone; throughout this entire 'ending our friendship' thing I always said I really wished you'd get in, because you really wanted to.
2009 17 September :: 9.14 am
:: Music: Thao
Growing up or being an adult has always been an odd concept to me. I often wonder what exactly says you've grown up. What is the point you become an adult? Sometimes I've thought maybe age, but I don't think that's it. I've met plenty of twenty-thirty year olds who still don't "act their age." But then, what exactly does acting your age mean? I'm not quite sure. Are the experiences what determine if you're an adult? I know in some ways I've felt more grown up, but in others I still feel like a child. And I can't help but wonder when I'll feel like an adult. Does it just happen without even realizing it and then one day you're like, wow.. I'm really grown up. Is it having your own house? Or even simpler paying your own bills? Getting married? Having a child? Finding a career? Getting a degree? But then when I think of Red Flannel Day and how I'll be "visiting where I grew up" and "where I used to go to school" it starts to connect for me. When you can say you're going back to something, in the past, I think you're on your way to the rest of your life. Past High School and those relationships and those ideals. It's something new. So I think in a lot of ways I am growing up or an adult, but do I feel any clearer about my life? No. Do I act all mature and proper? No. Am I in a long term committed relationship? No. Do I have any real assets of value? No. But I suppose the actual question is if I care. And right now I just don't. I'm happy not to be in High School anymore, or in Cedar, or living with my parents, but I'm happier knowing feeling like a child, sometimes, isn't over yet. I don't want to lose that and I fear if I settle into anything I may. And maybe that's ok, maybe there's more to life than excitement and newness, but for now all I want is new. And change. And to keep growing, but not in such large leaps that I've forgotten what it's like to be where and who I am now. I've got a lot of work to do and I think in this next year I'm going to do more growing than I can even fathom. When I left for Australia I wasn't exactly prepared to grow in the ways I did. I let go of a lot of anger. I started to love and value my family. I learned who my true friends are, but most importantly my passions for life became so clear and evident that those around me felt like I changed who I was over night and on such an extreme level. Maybe it's not apparent to most, but my heart grew and what I cared about changed, and my emotions started to curl and attach themselves so strongly to what I was learning to love. I cried, A LOT, that year. Maybe it was out of frustration, maybe it was out of missing, maybe it was because I felt alone in a house full of people, but I really think it was due to shedding my skin and forming a new layer that no one else could feel. It's hard to describe, but when faced with something so great and out of your grasp, the overwhelming feeling of having no control almost frees and cages you at the same time. I don't really know what I'm saying or what the point of this is, it's just to say I'm moving on from a lot, I've learned a lot, I've had the best Summer I've ever had in my life, and I think that's the way to end one part of my life and lead onto the next. Because though this Summer has been amazing and pretty close to drama free, in the last few weeks-months I've gone through a lot, alone, and my ego's been bruised so much to the point where I've wondered how I'm not crying myself to sleep some nights. I've had a lot of time to reflect and wonder and I won't get into it, but in one aspect of my life I feel so prepared and ready and giving and all that's left to do is wait. So, I wait and I wonder and I'm not sure how much longer til I feel myself break in a way.
I'm leaving soon and as it gets closer that anxious, scared feeling starts to create knots in my stomach. Every time I leave I get the same feeling of independence. Like a moment to say "this is it" and before I know it I'm on new ground. This time it's not as interesting as a new country with new accents, words, and foods I've never heard of, but it's going to be something equally or greater to learn from.
In a lot of ways I'm ready to say goodbye to this part of my life and in other ways I've never felt so hesitant, either way though I think it's needed and whether I'm ready or not, here I go.
2009 22 August :: 10.01 am
...People say to make sure your last words are never anything harsh or untrue, but I don't believe that.
See, I think you should only speak what you feel in the heat of the moment, whether it be under a burning bulb or under the sheets.
'Cause in the end all we have is moments, and all we are, are humans.
And humans don't do well with emotions 'cause we feel them all at once,
and as they become a blur sometimes all we can do is yell, sigh, cry,
or laugh. Our reactions are passionate, be it good or bad.
And we should never apologize for not being an android,
we should embrace the crazy and unleash it ever so beautifully.
'Cause there's something breath taking about words that aren't constructed or drawn out in blue prints.
All I know for sure is that I never want to tell you I love you just out of habit and routine...
2009 15 August :: 10.48 am
"You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that... You do what you love, and fuck the rest. "
2009 8 July :: 1.16 pm
You can go through life disposing of people and then picking through the trash to pull them back out when you're desperate and ready. You can treat people as though they're renewable. You can laugh at others silly emotions while you keep yours bottled and to yourself. You can explode, alone. You can give false feelings that are returned with real feelings. You can mark your body with something you believe in, but don't bother to follow. You can keep acting as though your actions have no equal or greater reaction. You can sense someone is happier than you and use one sentence with intention of stopping that. You can be aged until you slip back into your group of fake friends. You can keep using big words until even those aren't big enough to hide behind. You can use people as much as you'd like and then drift around them as if there's nothing to feel one way or another about. You can fall into holes as soon as you've burnt your own bridges. You can blame every one and every thing else when something doesn't go your way. You can change depending on who you're around, never truly being yourself and later hating yourself for that. You can blame the honest and let them take the fall for speaking what you're too small to say. You can play the prey when you're the predator. You can give credit when credit is due, but you won't. You can search for the same person with a different skin, and you will. You can want the past, but you'll only get the future. You can play games with people as if they're toys, but they're not. You can then laugh at how much better you are than those toys, and you are. You've learned what buttons to press and how we're all wired, so you use your tools to break and not mend. You can learn to earn satisfaction through good, but you'll choose bad. You can think you're so grown and wise, but you have fields of growing to do. You can cry your own tears, but you'll assign others to do that for you. You can think you're above everyone and be much more informed, which you're not. But, no matter how many words you read, you don't speak them. And when you finally do it's going to be too late and no one is going to understand you.
You're no more than surface level garbage.
You should pick yourself apart and only keep what works.
If you're playing a game, you're playing with yourself.
And you win. You always do.
2009 16 June :: 9.31 pm
'One morning an elderly man was walking on a nearly deserted beach. He came upon a boy surrounded by thousands and thousands of starfish. As eagerly as he could, the youngster was picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean.
Puzzled, the older man looked at the young boy and asked, "Little boy, what are you doing?"
The youth responded without looking up, "I'm trying to save these starfish, sir."
The old man chuckled aloud, and queried, "Son, there are thousands of starfish and only one of you. What difference can you make?"
Holding a starfish in his hand, the boy turned to the man and, gently tossing the starfish into the water, said, "It will make a difference to that one!" '
2005 12 December :: 4.59 pm
When you're in darkness don't forget what you saw in the light.