NEWSFLASH: i am not a doormat.
i resent the fact that people think i'm weak- because i'm not.
just because i'm an easy target doesnt mean that i'm not strong enough to hold my own. fuck it, i do it all the time, just people don't see it. just because people make fun of me and tease me all the time and i refuse to say stuff back to them doesn't mean im too weak to deal with it. i deal with it inside, i let it weigh me down, and i spin it apart inside me until i can unburden myself.
thats just my nature. i can't talk back and say mean things in my defense that i don't mean. its not me to just say shit to someone's face just to make them mad because they made me mad first. and as stupid as this may seem, no matter how much i take, i just keep on taking, sometimes even without considering ever hurting the person for retaliation.
to tell you the truth though, i'm sick of it. its tiring to go through each day with certain people making sure that you don't say things so you can be safe from the mocking. there are some people that i can't even be myself around anymore, and having to act in front of them makes me upset. i shouldn't have to mask who i really am just to save myself from being beat up on.
there are people who look for things to make fun of in me, and they admit to it too. they've flat out told me that they make fun of me more than they tease other people because i'm the easy target who doesn't fight back. but i know, just as others who know me well know, that one of these days i'm going to be pushed too far. and then, everything that ive been dealing with inside all along will come out. the walls will break down and it'll crash damn hard onto whoever it is that pushes the wrong button. so much has been pent up the whole time, i just don't understand why people feel the need to take advantage of the nice guys. just because i'm an easy target doesn't mean that you have to take advantage of that. i am not a doormat, and i do not want to be walked all over. it may come off as vulnerablility, it may come off as a weakness, but its really not, you all just don't see whats going on underneath the surface, you don't know whats been brewing for years.
and one of these days i'm going to be pushed off the deep end, and the shit's going to hit the fan. its only a matter of time.
just something i wrote, exactly how i feel right now....
i sit at the big round table, staring straight into your eyes,
they absorb me, and i get lost in them quickly;
i can never penetrate that poker face.
stiff and still, i trust it always, without reason-
but hope: hope that this will be the time it's worth the risk.
i can only play the cards that i've been dealt.
please see the beauty in what they are.
and if you should win me over, do with them what you will,
but do remember to handle with care.
so many times i've laid my heart out on the table,
diamonds and spades insignificant in the game of love,
nestle it gently among the rest of your hand,
safe and sound- if only the cards weren't to be shuffled.
keep in mind, this is a game: i try to remember
with the queen of hearts in my hand-
"fold, fold, before you lose out, its all or nothing and both come at a cost..."
but somehow to me it's worth the gamble; 100 losses are worth the chances of a single win.
so pretty much, i fell off the face of the woohu earth without even realizing it.
i have so much to say and i just have kept putting it off because it keeps piling up and i dont even know where to begin, so for now, ill keep it short and sweet just to bring myself back into the world.
it was just tonight while talking to steph online when i remembered that this was somewhere to express my emotions, a real outlet (not as if i didnt already know that), but she made me reread one of my posts and i started to tear. its amazing how logging emotions and parts of life into this thing can be so strong. i completely forgot about half the stuff i wrote from last year:
POINT PROVEN- i need this, because if reading something from just 6 months ago could affect me so much, i cant imagine what ill do when im 20 and i read this stuff from high school.
2005 6 July :: 4.40 pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: Mikes guitar and Scary Movie 3.
This is Zacky G. posting in Dlit's woohu. BIATCH!
Zack on danielle:
Danielle is my girl for life. She really is the one person in my life i couldnt live without. Looking back on our friendship i really dont see where it first started.... It was like last summer something between us clicked. She was going through some tough shit and i guess i was just some one who understood what was going on with her life. The thing i found most attractive about her were her values. Unlike most girls at the time who were satisfied with hooking up with random guys she was more concerned with finding some one to loveand wouldnt settle for anything else. She really is a special girl. Her values and morals are so different than most ignorant shallow suburban girls. She is the deepest person i know. For some reason i am just so attracted to all these things that make her the person she is. I really am inlove with danielle, she is the one girl i love more than anyone else. I will go my entire life and never find some one as amazing as her. She is something deep and unique in a world full of shallow cookie cutter shaped individuals. Danielle, you will always be number one in my life.
life is a highway...
i havent written in this thing in the longest time, i guess thats not an unfamiliar concept to our woohu world, though. i keep on waiting until i have something to write about, and finally, i do.
as far as lives go, mines been pretty damn good all these years. as far as lives go lately, i find that statement fits well also. i think this is due to a bunch of things, but mainly because there has been such a turn around in terms of how i treat myself. since the beginning of last july, i had no idea how to respect myself in terms of guys. i went the first fifteen years of my life waiting and expecting my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet to some far off happily-ever-after. finally i realized that that was never going to happen, at least not any time soon, so i started to just hook up with a bunch of different guys that i liked, yet every time, my heart was broken. i guess deep down inside i was still holding out for my soul mate, and just decided that by handing my heart out to every guy i had a slight attraction to. time after time i would be pushed to the ground, and time after time id stand up and let it happen again. it wasnt that i was naiive to what was happening, it was just that i simply didnt care, to me at the time, the chance of emotional pain was minimal compared to the chance of happiness. i had no respect formyself and didnt even realize this was the case. the turning point was jlew. i let him do it to me too. but unlike all the other boys that i let take advantage of me, somewhere along the line i got fed up with being a doormat. after jlew, i was hesitant to do anything until i figured out exactly what it was that i wanted and needed, and eventually, i did. recently ive harvested the fruits of my experience. i took the things ive learned from my mistakes and realized that all i really need is someone i care about and trust, and the ability to take things at a steady pace without rushing and obsessing. still, more important yet, as soon as i realized this i found it in someone. things with jon have been so awesome lately. ive found that happy medium in him, but more than anything ive found that trust that ive never encountered before in any other guy. i can be myself around him without thinking twice about what im doing and making sure that its considered acceptable or normal, just as long as its "danielle". when the time is right to fully and completely hand my heart over to him, ill have no problem with it at all, i know he'll handle my heart with care and i know hes the one i want to have it.
while ive found such an incredible balance and completeness in my life with jon, ive been struggling with other relationships in my life a lot lately....namely, my mother. we've always had a rough relationship in terms of communication and sometimes treatment of eachother, but lately things have been worse than usual. while on the outside to all of my friends, she seems like the sweetest woman, and she is to them, to me and my dad she feels like she doesnt have to try to be nice around us. shes always struggled with the problem of knowing how to deal with anger, and everything, every little thing she says comes out with an attitude or ends (and starts) in a screaming war. according to my dad, shes always been this way. her mother was this way to her, and now shes the same way as her mother was. time after time we've told her "its not what you say, its how you say it" but nothing ever gets through to her. she doesnt listen to what you have to say, because when her mind is made up, sometimes its best to just give up and forget everything that you wanted when dealing with her.
im sick of doing that, though. im sick of not doing things i want to do because its easier to not argue with her. im sick of watching her run certain aspects of me and my dad's lives because theres no other way to deal with her.
she also claims that shes my friend. as far as im concerned, thats the biggest load of crap ive ever heard. if she was my friend, she wouldnt treat me like she does. if she was my friend, she would be nice to me. if she was my friend, she wouldnt just assume that i have to like her because she has to be in my life so she doesnt have to try to treat me nicely. but shes wrong. she has to try. because to tell you the truth, if i werent her daughter i wouldnt like her. i dont like her a lot of times. i think this partially comes from the fact that i dont understand her. the woman is scared of everything. its what holds her back from the world and what holds me in from a lot of things. on the top of her list is people. the reason she loves animals so much, i think at least, is because of their inability to hurt her emotionally and their need to be cared for. theres nothing to be scared of, they dont have the capacity to hurt people, and they cant tell her shes wrong or go against her. because they need her. she's scared of everything, i dont understand how anyone could go through life fearing everything, always asking "what if..." and always considering the worst case scenario and assuming that its a possibility. what kind of a life is that?
my dad kind of wants to go for counseling, considering shes never going to change. thats so hard for me, because she took after her mother...and i dont want to travel down that road.
with every good, comes some bad, i guess life cant be completely perfect at any time.
"cause everybody knows you've got to breathe..."-dmb
holy crap---last time i updated was...a really long time ago.
its not that i havent been doing it because im "too busy" or "i forgot", its actually quite the opposite, ive been wracking my brain for something to write about and i got nothing. i dont know what it is, my life hasnt been painfully boring or anything lately, just that i find theres nothing for me to write about when i sit down to do it, but i guess ill just give it a go, some random stuff thatll make for a bad entry:
-today i finally got the fruit of my hard work--an a- on my euro essay. thank god for small favors, possibly getting a c for the quarter now?
-dont u just love when you come across people who are 100% genuinely good hearted, nice people? and even better, when you realize that you dont have to seek them out, but that theyre already in your world? i love when you find people like that, when you find that genuinely good person in someone you've always had around. and its not even that i didnt know that side existed, because i always did, but for some reason i just find it shining through more lately. sometimes i feel totally blessed by the people around me--its a wondeerful feeling.
as far as im concerned, this weekend could not come any sooner. and we've only been in school for 2 days. and look at that, only 2 more to go....i can do it, right??
maybe one of these days this writers block will relieve itself and ill come up with something better than this crap that i just wrote
there are times when you get yourself so worked up over something that you say things you don't mean. we all know it happens, and this is not me trying to excuse myself from the things i wrote in the previous entry.
after getting all of those comments, i just went back and reread what i wrote and swear to god that i didnt even remember half the things i said because a lot of it was my rushing emotions talking, not me. i sounded like a pompous asshole. and for that i'm sorry. i didn't mean to pass judgement on anyone, especially people im friends with, and for that, im sorry too. because i dont even believe half of the things i wrote when im thinking straight.
gabi was right on target. i need to work on fixing what could potentially be wrong with me and her and not get so scared that i throw my problems and point fingers to other people. i put the entire weight of my fears on my other friends, and offended them in the process, and did so without even realizing this.
but all of this stems out of where she and i used to be, not even the drinking, but the fact that when we were little, it wasnt her and me, it was her and someone else. and i wanted to badly to be her best friend, to have the best friendship they had with eachother. but they would push me away and make fun of me, and be mean to me. and last year when i lost her this whole not being wanted thing resurfaced. you all have your siblings and other constants in your lives, but shes all i have. you know ur siblings will always be there for you, and thats who she is to me, but for me, i have the chance of losing her. and thats a scary reality.
im sorry to anyone i offended, you're all important to me, just remember that.
2005 9 February :: 5.38 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: fool to think- dave matthews band
okay. you wanna play like this? we can play like this.
just keep it up. push me farther, closer and closer with every action you take, with everything you say, til i reach the edge until i explode. you like to flirt with boundaries dont you? you like to push buttons. you like to be the cause of tension. you like to make other people miserable- dont you?
just because you cant find a happy place for yourself doesnt mean you have to antagonize other people around you who have been fortunate enough to find theirs, or able enough to create one. i know its a form of comfort to see that other people are miserable, but why do you have to be the one to cause other people's problems? shouldnt that make you more upset at yourself, knowing that you're the cause of other people's problems for the sake of creating waves?
ooooooh what i wouldnt give to just go up to you and tell you what everyone thinks of you. what i wouldnt give to show you that the whole act you put on to cover up who you really are is totally transparent. everyone sees right through you. everyone knows you're fake. everyone knows that you talk behind peoples backs, mine included. how you manage to affect my life in this way is beyond me since you and i arent even close, but jesus, STEP BACK AND TAKE A LOOK AROUND ONCE AND A WHILE, because you could use some major adjustments.
1. i do not care what anyone says, this school that we go to is not esteemed because of the teachers, its as awesome as it is because of the drive of the kids in it. and as far as im concerned, perlman can go fuck a dog in the ass and then burn in hell for the rest of time. i dont think that once this entire year ive ever sat in her class and learned something thats valuable to me when it comes time to take her awful, heartless tests. we had a test in there the other day and we got them back today, and theres nothing like having your teacher stand at the front of the room and yell at you because of how poorly everyone did on the tests, like it was our fault. "i'm so disappointed, these were horrible, i dont know what happened, you tests were all terrible, especially the ones where people got more right than wrong...." she went on forever, making everyone feel like we fucked it up, like she had no role in my failure, or anyone else's on this test. as if the fucking 45 on the test wasnt bad enough, she had to make a statment in front of the whole class about people who got more wrong than right. and even though the majority of the class doesnt know that i was in that category, i know...and she insulted ME when she said it. fucking bitch. and im sitting here now and all i can think of is erica's pin "oh mother, is it worth it?" and im feeling like the answer is no. NO. things arent supposed to work out like this. as much as i hate the typical edgemont "im going to fail" and then doesnt, i wish i were that person right now. the person everyone hates because they draw attention to themselves for saying things like that. i'd rather have that than be the one who actually did fail...and failed miserably. euro can kiss my ass and burn with mrs. perlman in hell for eternity.
2. who the fuck do some people think they are? do they do what they do to purposely create tension and irritate people? or are they actually as stupid and oblivious as they come off? there are obvious, clear things that will piss me off, and not necesarily stuff that only applies to me, stuff that would rub ANYONE the wrong way, so why would you go out of your way to shove something in my face to make me this frustrated? why would you come up to me and say something stupid, that would lower my spirits, and act like a totaly airheaded idiot? do you want me to be mad at you? because god knows that you get agitated easily and god forbid someone did something like this to you, you'd be just as frustrated as i am. sometimes people step over the line, and i hope that you know enough not to exaserbate the situation further by exceeding the limits you've already pushed. brie84b983g4823y498giugu89348923gh482g94g82g89WHATTHEFUCKAREUTHINKING?rieb79wgh9889h45hio4h5o3.
and thats enough of my rants for now. i had to get that out.
"cuz everybody knows you've got to breathe..."-dave matthews band
2005 3 February :: 7.01 pm
:: Music: roll to me- del amitri
just some stuff.....
some things you know about me if you know me well:
1. i know what i want.
2. i know where i want to be and how i want to get there.
3. i know the type of people i like to be surrounded by.
4. i know what i believe in and i dont sell out those beliefs for anyone else.
5. i know myself. and i know myself damn well.
....but sometimes i wish i just knew were i was supposed to end up. im all for the whole "you create where you're going, where you are, and where you end up" thing, but at the same time, i feel like theres a place where we're all destined to end up, and just having this idea back in the way back of my mind all the time, makes me wonder if sometimes the things i do, the things i say, the way i act or carry myself, is wrong, or is going to make me take a wrong turn. and this may be stupid and it may be a contradiction of myself, since what i said was that we all have a life thats been predetermined, im still always hesitant, thinking that what i do is going to mess up how things are "supposed" to be.
and then again, along the same lines as what i was just talking about, i wish that there would be some way to know whats going to happen. rreading through my past entries always makes me dig deep inside myself where i find stuff like these queries. i read one before where i had been mad at john for not hanging out with me, and the last part of that entry is about me finding someone, because theyre out there- around the next corner or a couple years down the road of life, i have no idea, but what i do know, is that theyre out there, and thats for sure. and its things like that, that i anxiously await, that i wish i could see the map of my life to find out how many more mistakes i have to make, how many more times i have to hurt myself, hurt other people, how many more wrong people there have to be before i find someone whos right. and i wish i could know if i were wasting my time on stupid nothings that will never amount to anything. i wish i could know if all this time ive been holding myself back for nothing, when i may have missed a sea of opportunities. and in that sea of opportunities, may have been what i was always looking for. but sitting here and going through every "what if" i can think of wont do me any good, because no matter how much i put my heart and my mind into the things i wish for, life is a mystery until you've lived it. presents and futures become pasts quicker than we realize. but like they say, a watched pot never boils, and sitting here waiting, wishing, drags seconds to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days and days to eternities.
"life is a mystery until you've lived it."-----but my question is, how do you know if you're living it right?
2005 22 January :: 12.24 am
:: Mood: rejuvenated
tonight was awesome. not only did i have a really great time, but i realized a lot about the people in our grade and about myself.
i remember when i was 3 years old, the first day i walked into scarsdale ballet and signed up for my first ballet class. i remember i picked out my leotard and my little skirt and my first pair of ballet shoes. i remember how i walked around my house and used to stand in front of the mirror in my parents' bedroom doing first and fifth position with my feet all the time. after that day, i took dance classes for 10 years, until i messed up one of my feet and i had to stop, and its nights like tonight that remind me of why dance was my passion---why dance IS my passion. i spent the entire night dancing my little heart out in my danielle fashion, and i just get this rush from it. i have such a great time. i wish i had just healed my foot when it happened and gone right back, but instead i just let it drag out, and every day that i let it drag out longer that i didnt dance i just became lazy and kind of let it sink into my past. and its nights like tonight that make me regret that so much, something that used to be one of the hugest parts of my life, something i enjoyed and used as my outlet for a lot of stuff---killed, all because of me. someday........
before i went tonight, i must admit i was kind of nervous that it was gunna be awkward for me. i felt kind of like the odd man out. there were mainly 2 groups of friends there tonight, jelkegs, and nekmek. and then there was me, and i was afraid i was going to be out of place between the 2 groups of such tight friends. i was actually nervous that i was going to be out of place. and for the first little bit of the party, i kind of felt the division, but as the night went on and as people danced and warmed up to eachother i found that we all just danced together in one huge group, no divisions, and no awkwardness. i was so impressed by this, that even though we divide ourselves with names and labels and circles of friends, when we're togetehr in a group, we're capable of acting like a whole. this was so comforting to me, and i loved that about tonight. i just had so much fun with people i wouldnt normall get to hang out with, and i really liked that.
i started to write this entry at 12 o clock and its now 1:40. whats wrong with me? and why am i even still up? gosh danielle, go to bed......signing off- dmlxoxo
2005 10 January :: 6.19 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: sexual healing cover- ben harper and teh criminals
how just when something comes up once in life, within a short timespan, it becomes the focus of your mind and proves to be true. as i stated in my new years post, one of my most unique qualities is my endless amount of faith in the human race which i came to realize and learned to appreciate just 2 weeks ago. every time i lose all faith and respect for one person, a small amount of that faith just-shatters, and i realize that as you continuously get let down by people in life, you start to put a guard up around you because you've experienced this horrible side to people.
ive recently learned that one of the people i used to consider one of my closest friends has one of the most viscious horrible sides ive ever encountered....and the fact that i never knew up until this weekend makes this revaltaion hit me that much harder. its literally like someone just came up to me and took off the rose colored lenses i was wearing and showed me what his personality really looks like, and i was finally allowed to see, that while i always viewed him as mature and good hearted person, that he is exactly the opposite. he acts like hes five years old, getting his friends i dont even know to gang up on me. he is one of the most ill mannered people ive ever met, and couldnt give a damn about what kind of impressions his actions and words leave on people. he constantly insults me, telling me that people cant stand me but hes the only one who will "say it to my fucking face", to make himself feel superior. he can never let anyone win but himself, hes the best thing since sliced bread, he has the best hair/face/body/anything in his posession ever and will hold an entire conversation based around those things if you let him....and i dont.
and i think thats one of the reasons he resents me so much. i talk back to him. when he tries to go on for hours about his own pompous ass i dont put up with it. he'll ask me about stuff and when i tell him he'll ignore me and tell me he didnt actually want to know and then tell me that im obnoxious and whiney. this all started in one of his "competitons" that exist no where but in his mind, in which he called something homosexual which in reality cannot be, and when asked what that means he told me to "shut up, ur just trying to defend that fag you hooked up with" and went on to tell me how i act like i know everything and how he hates people like me. but to tell you the truth, i couldnt care any less, because i cant stand people like him. i cant deal with his arrogance and his snide comments and his random pms outbursts in which he curses me out for no reason and acts like hes in kindergarten-- and i drew the line.
we're not talking anymore. i want nothing to do with him because im mad, but more than that, disappointed in who hes become. ive been let down by the person hes morphed into since the summer- or by the person thats surfaced since then. looking back on the summer i realize that he may have always been like this- always as ignorant and obnoxious as he is now...but in smaller doses, and never directed towards me.
....and once again change has scarred me. the person who i once felt i could tell anything to, the person who i spent many a day at the beach with, who i laughed, and cried with, who i helped out with advice, and who used to help me---has fallen to ashes. yeah, its painful and yeah, its unpleasant, but sometimes you have to experience things to be able to see the flaws in people, and the pain that this has caused me is just one more battle wound in the journey of life.
okay fine, enough requests finally push me to clog up my journal with another one of these questionaires...
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:(depends on who you are)
danielle, danyelly, GOLDBERG!!(to like one person but i ran out of names)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
-my ability to be very understanding
-my ability to express exactly what im feeling
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
-my excessive chattiness which gets me into trouble
-my blindness to the fact that although i may not agree with what my friends are saying at the time, theyre usually just looking out for me and making sure i dont get hurt, which by not listening to them, i generally do
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
jewish, but barely, and nothing else really
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
-george w. bush
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
-fire island sweatshirt
-penguin pajama pants
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE ARTISTS:
-the dave matthews band
-the goo goo dolls
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
crash- the dave matthews band
stuck in a moment- u2
i'll cover you (reprise)- rent
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
-be more dedicated to schoolwork
-be more aware of whats actually happening in attempts to protect myself from emotional pain as a result of my blindness/naiivity
-be less lazy
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE(In no particular order):
-dance is one of my favorite things to do
-i have the best friends in the world
-ive never lied before
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
-good fashion sense
-good music taste
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
-be angry without yelling
-give up on people when i know i should
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
-spending time at the beach (bc i really dont have n e hobbies besides those two haha)
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
-something in communications
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
-fall madly in love
-learn to play the acoustic guitar
-camp out on the beach
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR ELSE...
i dont think anyones left....