2010 20 April :: 3.41 am
i really hope Morgan does not tell Kathi what she just saw- i will loose my job.
And if she says shes just doing her job ill be happy for her. I'm so close to tears right now it sucks- 8 more min of work and then i can go home and cry.
2010 17 April :: 2.02 am
I have kept a girl from committing suicide for the past 9 months. Last night i just happened to have amazing timing.
I wonder when i wont have the good timing.
I hope it isn't till im 79.
2010 26 February :: 11.45 pm
Please go away.
I had another dream about Scott- he had lost wieght and hand long hair...we were dating again...it was weird and just made me sad :(
I need to move on- i texted him a while back and he never responded so its good. i did move on. i just had a dream.
2010 9 February :: 2.11 am
It makes me sad how much i miss you.
Cause i shouldn't. But i feel like im not part of your life anymore.
2010 19 January :: 1.14 am
Stupid damn men.
GODDAMIT- i should so know better by now.
2010 7 January :: 11.48 am
oyu know whats adorable?? The missed connections section on craigs list.
Now its usually all bout sex. but.
The thought that someone could be so taken with someone else in a few short moments freaking makes me giddy with hope :)
2009 21 December :: 10.39 pm
Its always interesting when i go back and look at old entries- cause i've morphed so much they don't make much sense.
Its really funny, because on this very page there is an oath i made to myself that came true without copmming true. I told myself i was going to lose my weight if it killed me. Really i just finally fell in love with myself after something else killed me.
Anyways i was about to scurry off to more social networks of communication but i've decided to stay and do my end of the year update that i always do somewhere.
SOOOO since last decemeber....damn this year has been nuts but here we go:
I became a college drop-out and re-enterd.
I attempted to forge my way into Seattle and gave up when i saw how tall the wall really was.
I learned to love and escapes a cycle of love.
I had an epic adventure to Vegas with roxanne.
I learned to love myself and in a sense have bloomed into a new girl.
I fell for love with someone who was in love and burned us both for it.
I watched tiowers burn for the first time in years.
I am an artist.
I got published!!!! yay for the cover
I came to a maturity where i can live with my parents.
I found my brother.
I bonded with old pals and made new ones.
I found myself.
I found my power.
a bulimic chick told me i was beautiful.
I had a one night stand that lasted aprox 17 m inutes.
I had 5 dates in one week.
I gave up pop.
I lost 30lb and gained it back.
I found out im a 40DDD.
Looking back on the year as a whole I have grown so much. I figured out i am a person liked by many but know by few. I have figured out how strong i really am.
Its funny becuase people keep telling me i am so confident and i exude confidence and i'm so self assured and blah blah blah but im not, i kinda just gave up on caring about what they all thought of me. Why do i care about the gossip? I don't care about what others have that i don't. I could give a flying fuck about what anyone thinks i lack.
So in a sense i found happiness.
Really: WHY do people care about who has the best stuff? What other people choose to do with their lives especially if it dosnt effect you? Why do people want to destroy other people to better themselves when it only betters them in their own eyes? Why do people give a flying rip about what the chick/dude in the corner is wearing?
What is the point of all that? Why would you mud up your life with all that nonesense?
I've found something that finally works for me.
Because i don't need the best things in life to be happy- i have a fucking 8 by8 tv in my dorm that plays vhs tapes- that makes me smile :D.
Because i don't care about who fucked who and why it was a bad decision unless they are a lifetime friend.
I don't care who is the handsome guy. For me looks come after a long list of attrributes that make me happier then their face, beauty is very easy to find in anyone , honesty, integrity, humor, a dash of chivalry and a pinch of dumb boy is hard to find. I find beauty in my loves in their hands, their eyes and the emotions they spark in me- thats what i want.
Because i give people advice but don't think they are obligated to follow it. People make their own god damned decisions and they will suffer the consequences-not me.
Because i just really dont care anymore- why do i need to? If they don't matter to me i refuse to get wrapped up in their nonesense. I don't have time for that.
Oh this also needs to be said
I am fucking tired of walking after you and picking up your messes, im tired of having to baby you, im tired of the "stupid act" you do, im tired of having to be more mature then you, i fuicking hate your abandonment issues, i dont need or want your fucking advice and god so help me if you try and analyse my love life again i will walk away and never look back.
I adore you but if i want yuour advice i will ask you.
Its not to be mean but really- i dont take advice unless i seek it out.
I dont care that you think because roxanne is moving in that i will leave you because if i do then im a bad person and you shouldnt want to be my friend anyways.
I'm tired of your stupid fucking games, your dumb little seeds you dont think i see you trying to plant. I am not easily manipulated by people so transparent as you.
I hate the fact that you are shallow. that fucking just grates on me. I hate the fact you want me to cradel you for your fucking dumb decisions. I hate that you lie to me and think its funny. I hate that you know you are making bad decisions but do them anyways and treat your long time friends like shit. I hate that you fucking cant keep a secret and then get pissed when others are pissed that you blab- what do you fucking expect? You betray people and that hurts asshole.
I hate your vengful ways. I hate how malicious you can be and really casey darlin i hate how fucking fake you are and how you think its entertaining. its not.
The casey i liked seems to have gone away. The casey who was awesome seems to be hibernating.
And well i think we need to take a break pumpkin.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. thats been my year and some well deserved venting. :D
2009 21 December :: 10.05 pm
grrrr....time to down load
Question: Is it bad that when hot guys like me i secretly want to know why?
Really why would a smokin guy pick me? I'm not "hot", i'm not "fit" im not a barbie so why would they pay any attention to me?? I don't get it! Perfectly hot delish men going after me kinda freaks me out and i think its because i know what they are really after and i'm not game for it.
CASEY IS KILLING ME!!
im soooooo not happy with him right now, its like taking care of a little kid- i need my space so bad right now and it sucks.
2009 2 December :: 10.52 pm
My friends in my vicinity seem to think i am forever perfect and happy.
Like i didnt lose anything from that stupid break up.
Well i did and thats why i can't really sleep.
As much as i was IN love with him i still loved him. and that counts for something.
2009 1 December :: 12.44 pm
I hate right now. just this period.
Scott pissed me off, but after all the shit and all the nonesense i came out feeling absolutly alone.
This is terrible. I'm so mad! Why the hell?????
WHAT THE FUCK???
HOly7 crap when he's not happy no one else is allowed to be!! Whats his malfunction?????
fucking. fuckity fuck.
2009 11 May :: 12.37 am
GOD DAMN IT!
What a fucking rat bastard of a boy!!! REALLY??!!?!!?! are you kidding me?
let this be a not to all you girls out there.
Not all boys are bad.
But some are.
Some are also not who they seem to be.
And if you arn't careful, know where you stand and are sure he really cares about you....you WILL get burned.
Its not uncommon.
And it sucks.
2009 8 May :: 11.50 pm
ME : age 20
to Anthony Guerrero age 24.
2009 3 April :: 4.32 pm
:: Music: Goodbye Love- Rent
So...as of late some things have happend. I'n one of my last entrys i said that i had walls still up...welll...those are gone.
Cause i got over one and the other feel down in an attempt to crush me but a good guy pulled me out from under it just in time haha.
So now what?
I'm free. :) Its a strange feeling, let me tell you, being able to e yourself and be HAPPY- its really new to me but awesome.
I dunno, i learning a ton about myself, which is good but i also think i'm losing a peice of myself at the same time. I'm terrified too.
I've had my fair share of crapy relationships and a chunch of that was because i was so wrappped up in a different concept that i really wasn't IN a relationship each time.
Anyways now i've developed a big intamacy problem. Like....i freak out a little. And its super frustrating to want something but as sooon as you get it your brain goes into overdrive and freaks out! WHERE THE HELL IS THIS COMMING FROM?
On top of that I've become very lonely yet surrounded by friends all at the same time. I havent been like that in a long time.I love the people i know, i love my friends but i really just want someone to cuddel with right now, no strings, no akwardness, no end game plan, just innocent cuddeling and talking.
Just someone to KNOW. I'm tired of stupid boys just wanting in your pants- thats really frustrating. Plus i dont really want a serious relationship- just a guy who is happy, kinda, and protective. No more project boys, no more bad boys (for a bit haha) just someone pretty well balanced and open minded.
A lot of that dosnt make any sense.
Ashley is trying to hook me up with the guy she commited adultry with. O.o WTF woman- that dosnt make anysense.
I'm really digging woohu right now. Its like this: my facebook/myspace/whatever-else is the packaging. The flash and sparkle and drama filled fun girl. But here...this is the real product, the ingredients, me. And only a few people know about it which makes it even better cause i trust those 2 the most and they uinderstand me more then most.
I love this little safe haven. :)
One of my favorite memories of the past months is driving back from Ryans dam with Casey and Lauren, Red Hot Chili Peppers blasting in the speakers and the huge sky above/ around us, wind blasting through my hair, sun beating down on my face and us belting the lyrics to "Shes Only 18."
That will stick with me for a long time.
I miss Jessika. and I miss Nick. and Paul.
They are the best people to hang with, low key, fun and they deal with my random wants. I got such a kick out of hearing how Nick dosnt care for bowling or skating yet he still goes with us. And the weird web thing jessika and i have going on and Pauls total and rediculous naive nature.
New Years Eve was awesome this year.
Actually this past year in general has been kinda epic in the way of change, decisions and trust.
I just hope it ends well.
2009 22 January :: 10.46 pm
So i have walls with 2 people.
2. Well you dont get to know.
Why? Cause i have a daunting fear of rejection and i dont trust those who have broken my trust ive given them. The reasons are not in the same order for the people. The first broke my heart and asked for forgivness and the second i think would if i ever took down my wall. ha....im never gonna get anywhere with this room around me. -_-
2009 5 January :: 12.26 am
Ok...so its official...almost every guy i can keep a friendship with is gay. Another one just came out of the closet....fail. I love them...but i also attract any within a 5 mile radius. eh.