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:: 2011 16 June :: 1.24 am
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Why is it empty? Who is everyone? Where should I be?


:: 2011 12 June :: 9.38 pm
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I had an incredible time last night. I was smiling all day at work as I thought back to different moments from the night and early morning. Nothing amazing happened in itself, by night out or party standards, but I had a lot of fun and it was a great confidence booster for me. I was surrounded by people that I care about and enjoy being with. I made a new friend, with whom I spoke at great length in one of the most frank, forward and successful early-relationship conversations I've ever had. I was thinking clearly and creatively, and I kept myself not only interesting, but fun, vibrant, honest, and attractive. This led to a slightly romantic entanglement which could not have gone much further than it did. It was small and quite insignificant overall, but points to qualities in myself that I've been forgetting lately, qualities that I needed to be reminded of. While I will likely not see her again, my ability to say everything that I thought without sustaining negative consequences, to hold her interest, and to impress her with only my natural qualities was an extremely positive experience for me.

I think this holds an important realization. When talking with girls that I may be attracted to, I find little success in what I think will be the right way to carry myself. I'm only noticing this in contrast to my most successful early conversations. I can't deny that I act differently when I'm around or talking with a girl that I may be attracted to, compared to one that I see no possibilities with. I've noticed, though, that the times I'm most appealing are those that I act as myself, when I'm around girls that I consider out of the question for some reason or another. This leads me to a few conclusions. One is that it's important to stay completely natural and be myself all the time. The truth is, if that turns someone off, it's better it turn them off initially than to surprise them later. Another conclusion is that if I have to consciously work to sustain a conversation or a relationship, no matter what context they are in, that means there is a fundamental incompatibility that nothing will really cure. There may be ways around it for a time, but nothing can get very far in the long run if I have to act differently or exert a conscious effort in order to maintain a level of normalcy. From here on out, no matter what, I think I need to keep myself acting like myself. If I'm looking for any kind of real connection, be it friendship or otherwise, I can't waste my time pretending to be more normal, more reserved, more or less of anything than I really am. If we aren't compatible people, then we aren't, and there's no effort that can reconcile such an issue permanently. Any efforts on my part will likely be transparent anyway, and probably be off-putting to my new acquaintance.

There are obviously exceptions to these rules. These rules apply to different degrees depending on what type of relationship you're attempting to forge. I don't mean friendly/romantic; those are in the same category. I mean personal and meaningful, compared to professional, or purely social relationships. For example, they don't apply with a boss, co-worker, customer, client, professor, classmate, etc. They don't apply to a casual acquaintance or, say, your best friend's spouse. Those are relationships in which you do make that effort to sustain some normalcy for something of a greater good. Whether it's the sustenance of a positive workplace or of a friendship that does matter, you make that conscious effort when necessary, and you keep certain things private and reserved, in order to make it work for this greater good, this reason higher than merely your one-on-one relationship.

Other thoughts: Downriver girls seem to like me, and so far almost all the time I like them at first and then massive glaring problems arise that prevent any kind of further interaction. I can only think of two cases to the contrary, which are the exact opposite, and are completely platonic. Those two cases, I didn't like the person at first, but the things I didn't like either changed or I got used to them for the sake of all the qualities that I later discovered and enjoyed.

For some reason, I find myself coincidentally attracted to girls from/that live in Ferndale. Usually they don't like me back, or not very much. I never know they're from Ferndale until I've already decided I like them. It's a really weird thing. These trends are strange.


:: 2010 30 December :: 12.21 am
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Is there a problem when you can sit idle and alone for an hour without noticing?The world is frozen & the lines are blurry. Treading lightly may prove as dangerous as the most conspicuous foot-stomping one can muster. It's a difficult and confusing grey area of appropriate behavior. In the end I will be my own saboteur. Once again the toxic mix of caution and inexperience ruin such potential. Conflicting advice and disparate signs are my bane, my downfall. Ultimately, these are only factors. These are compounding elements that will culminate in my very obvious, deliberate, almost resigned last ditch effort, something that will surely fall flat.


:: 2010 28 December :: 3.22 am
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"Hurt people hurt people." So cheesy. But never have I experienced this as much as I think I am now. I wonder if she even knows.


:: 2010 2 November :: 11.20 pm
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I don't know why anyone would continue reading this. Posts are months apart nowadays, and I think about this so infrequently that I write here not when I'm depressed or unhappy, but when I'm EXCEPTIONALLY depressed or unhappy. This must be the most frustrating, boring and upsetting thing that you could pick to read. But that's fine. I really would write in here when I'm happy, but when I'm happy I'm too busy doing whatever it is that makes me so. All of my happiness is expressed in my regular life, while my depression and pain have nowhere to go.

I was stupid to think it would work with her. I should have learned more from last time. I blame myself much less this time, though, and that might make it a bit easier. I was so careful with what I said and did. I tried so hard to keep it within what I thought were her limits of comfort. In fact, I did. I didn't do anything wrong. We made it exclusive after she spent 10 minutes telling me how bad a time she'd had with other guys and how she didn't want to see anyone else. That was not the wrong call. I feel so fucking betrayed and used and taken advantage of. She unloaded all this shit onto me and told me how hard it was for her to say it and how much she meant it and then a week later it was like she forgot and two weeks later she took it all back. The more I think about it the angrier I get but that's accompanied by an equal amount of hurt. I'm thinking that I hate her for doing this to me but if I truly hated her then I wouldn't care that she did this to me. One thing I'm quite sure of is that she did go out with another guy less than a week after we agreed to be exclusive with one another. She told me that she didn't care about other guys at all, of her own volition, completely without any kind of prompt from me, and then she spent two weeks fostering a relationship with some other guy and then dropped me for him. I feel that I am completely the victim here. I think I am generally pretty good at accepting responsibility and viewing situations from all angles and I don't think I did anything wrong. I think I was led to believe several things and then over the course of two weeks she just changed her mind. It's so frustrating and hurtful and infuriating and it sucks. I don't ever want to see her and it kills me knowing that I will see her out somewhere very soon and I'll have to be cool and act nice. It KILLS me thinking about that. I'm going to think about this every time I go out now and I just dread it. Not even to mention the idea that she'll probably be with that guy or another one. I dread this so much.

Why is it that the more I like a girl, the more she treats me like shit? I think there have only been three significant romantic interests in my life and only one of them, Kathleen, didn't fuck me over somehow. She put up with way more than she needed to or even should have. The others have been very in and out of my life and it always ends poorly. Sometimes maybe it's something I did, but sometimes it's not. These two other people both seem to always care about me and always like me but never quite enough to establish anything with me or stop themselves from hurting me. I think I'm too soft. I probably just let a lot of this stuff happen. It could probably be prevented. I wonder what the rest of my life will be like romantically. I wonder how things are going to be for me over the next few years.


:: 2010 17 May :: 4.41 am
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I'm getting a panicked feeling that I got last summer and the summer before and it worries me. Does free time bring me stress, now, because I feel guilty for not being productive? That might be it. Nonetheless it's a worrying and I hope I can overcome it by actually writing. I could start the short story that I've been mulling over for over a year, or I could try melding my experiences of this summer and those previous with my imagination and see what comes from it. Really I could and should do both. Any time I try the latter it ends up being kind of angsty and embarrassing and I hate it when I read it days later. Tomorrow I'll try and see what happens.

That prologue was really just a way to convince myself that I don't ONLY write in here to complain - even though it was kind of a complaint in itself. Complaining about complaining. Only one person reads this anyway.

New thought, unrelated to all previous. I'm becoming very uninspired and dispassionate about the way it is necessary to deal with women. Banish any childish thoughts, there is no homosexuality or deliberate abstinence in my future, but it worries me and kind of terrifies me the way that women must be treated for anything to come of it. Seriously, I don't even care about sex, I kind of just want to go on a few dates. It's maddening how complicated that is. I'm not Brad Pitt but I don't think I'm bad looking either, and if the bullshit didn't exist there wouldn't be a problem. I'm not ugly, I'm nice and I have a good personality, but I've never been very good at games. I can't throw a ball, I'm not exceptionally good at any video or board games, and I can't seem to make or keep a girl interested too often. It's always something. Always. Always some fucking thing. He offered to buy me a drink, but I said no, he asked if I was sure and I insisted, then HE LET ME BUY MY OWN DRINK?! Or maybe he talked to me on Facebook chat and that made me super uncomfortable because like, Facebook chat is so invasive. Or he texted me within three days of meeting me? WTF back off desperate! I honestly don't understand it. There are so many rules and regulations to the way I have to deal with women. I wouldn't generalize so blatantly if the statistics didn't force me to. I can think of one girl, Bonnie, that didn't put me through any of this. I suppose the roles were reversed a bit in the beginning, but I am positive that I did not make it difficult in any way. Straightforward the entire time. There was still some hidden rule that I broke which ended it, but that's different. It wasn't really so obscure; I should have seen that line miles before I crossed it. But it's upsetting how difficult this is and I think the only way to really deal with this is to not play the game. If I play the game, I'm going to lose. Some people understand it and play it well, most people are good enough to get by. I'm not. (I don't know sports well enough to make a metaphor, but if I did, I'd be putting it here.) I don't understand the rules and it just doesn't make sense to me. I'm baffled and confused when people behave the way that girls do in these situations. It's straight up deception and it's bullshit. I tell myself that I don't want a girl that acts like that, but that's obviously not true. Too many of them do this for them all to be crazy. But bottom line is this: you're a girl, I'm a boy, we're close in age, we find each other attractive, we're at roughly the same level of intoxication, we both enjoy the music. You're not going to dance with me because I didn't pay for your drink after you insisted that I not? I can't believe people think that that is OK.

Alright, I see your point. Maybe I'm just frustrated due to a low success rate. Maybe all of the mistakes I've made have been my own fault and I'm to blame. I'm frustrated about this and I'm blaming the system instead of blaming myself like I should. This could be true. This is probably a percentage. But no matter how calm or rational I become, my basic stance on this doesn't change. I may be truly defective, though. Who knows. You better than I.

So I end up at the decision to remove myself from the game. I will not try. I will do nothing. I won't text first, I won't chat first, I won't do ANYTHING. They say you miss every shot you don't take, but they also say you can't lose a race you're not running. The latter seems kind of like loser padding, but hey. I agree that it's better to try and fail than not try and still have nothing happen, EXCEPT in 99% of the mating world. If you try you lose points. So with girls, maybe it's better NOT to try, because in not trying you are somehow more impressive. Either way I think the only solution that will keep me from having an aneurism or keep me from being depressed from rejection every other weekend is to stop trying completely. I think I will try that. My chances might drop, but if something happens it will happen, and if nothing happens then obviously no one was interested enough. I'm not one to play hard to get but I'm not dealing with this anymore. I may be resigning myself to another long long time of loneliness and up-and-down depression but I think it's the best choice, considering. I wish things were easier but nothing can be forced and I'm not going to last trying to play these bullshit games anymore. Is someone bitter?


:: 2010 11 May :: 12.45 am
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Wow. I feel so miserable right now. Not like, actually miserable - not unhappy or anything like that. I've just had one of those days where I do absolutely ABSOLUTELY nothing at all. I'm glad I spent my day like that, don't get me wrong. I haven't had one in a long time and it's good to über relax sometimes. I slept until 3 and did practically nothing. Sat in bed and watched TV on my computer. I left the apartment for like 30 minutes to return some movies to Blockbuster. I haven't really eaten, nor have I felt hungry. My neck really hurts the way that necks hurt from sitting in bed and looking at a computer screen for too long. I talked to someone online for a while but after so long the conversation kind of dulls and by the end of it I felt like we were mad at each other or something, though I know we weren't, it was just boring and tense. On my part anyway. I tried reviving the conversation with a weird joke and it didn't work. Then I tried talking to someone else to make sure I'm not crazy and that person also did not receive what I was sending. Really bizarre night for me. I guess that's what happens when I have so little human interaction for a whole day. Pat and Griffin have both been sleeping for hours so I'm just bored and weird. I guess I get weird when I spend the day with myself. That's not news. I didn't even really feel like playing either of the video games I've been enjoying lately. I played one for a few minutes, that was it. I feel like I have no patience for anything right now and I'm not fit to deal with other humans. I'll probably watch a movie pretty soon. Weird weird day. So yeah physically I feel like shit but it was good to turn off my brain for a day.

That thing about turning off my brain... sometimes I do it when I'm driving and I'll realize after a while that I haven't consciously thought about what I was doing for several minutes. It's kind of scary, I worry what would happen if someone in front of me slammed on their brakes or something while I'm doing that. I seriously just zone out and miss entire songs on the radio and don't realize how far I've gone.

The poor writing of this entry is kind of a good example of how off I am today. Strange sentence structure, no direction, nothing interesting. I really just can't think today.


:: 2010 20 April :: 1.02 am
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I just wrote this for my Women's Studies class and I kind of like it. It's not that in-depth, because that wasn't required. Also forgive the mentions of Athena and Artemis, they relate to this dumb thing my professor really likes which connects the different Greek goddesses to archetypal women. I threw it in there because I knew she'd like the references. Athena is described as a man's woman, a daddy's girl, a tough girl that tries to make it in "man's world" and often throws aside femininity. Artemis is the feminist, independent, etc., all that shit. This is kind of fluffy but the class is kind of fluffy too.

I recently had the pleasure of watching the movie The Devil Wears Prada, starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep. I was relatively surprised to find that I enjoyed the film, though a few male friends had told me they liked it before. The movie follows Andy Sachs (Hathaway) as she struggles to move her way up in the world of journalism, working as an assistant to fashion magazine mogul Miranda Priestly (Streep). I thought this was a very positive movie for women, especially as one that many young women and teens would see. The many different kinds of people (specifically women) that carry the plot show the variety of directions and complexities one's life might have.
Andy is probably an Artemis – working towards her own goals, independent. She lives with her boyfriend, but she doesn't rely on him financially. They have a good relationship. She takes the job at Runway magazine as Miranda's assistant, hoping to make connections that will further her career in journalism (though she has no interest in fashion). She's very intelligent and hardworking, though somewhat shy, and she's determined to make her job work. Miranda turns out to be more than a handful, and as the movie progresses, Andy gains more and more control over her job and less and less over the rest of her life. She learns about fashion and how to do her job well, sacrificing her relationship, her friends, and any semblance of a personal life or fun.
Miranda is a woman that could easily be Andy 30 years down the line, should Andy stay on her path. Miranda is on her third or fourth husband. She has two daughters, and tries to be a good mother, but much of her touch is lost due to her time-consuming and stressful job. She treats almost everyone that she encounters like a lesser life form, save her art director Nigel (Stanley Tucci) and a select few people that she probably considers to be on her level. Though she does have personal time and a family, they are more like decorations on her life than actual priorities, and are often tossed aside for the sake of her job. We rarely see her do morally reprehensible things, but she could be considered a truly awful, terrible person just based on the way that she treats the people around her. She is an Athena through-and-through, and she is a perfect example to young women of what not to be. I think that slowly, over the course of the movie, as Andy gets to know Miranda better, we see little cracks and tears in Miranda's personality that reveal a lifetime of mistakes and regrets. She loves her job, but by the end of the film, I think it's safe to say that she sometimes questions herself, and longs for the family she should have.
As hopefully a lesson that viewers will share with her, Andy learns that she is on the path to becoming the mean, lonely person that Miranda is. She re-prioritizes and discovers what she really cares about having in her life – close relationships, a career with integrity, control. She takes life by the horns and quits her job, once again looking for her break in journalism, which she finds. Miranda shows her support with a passive-aggressive recommendation to Andy's new boss, another small peek at Miranda's inner good.
I think this movie shows women that being an Athena is OK, but not to lose oneself. Miranda may be an example of overcompensation. Maybe she felt so threatened by man's world that she became the woman that she is now, dominating but without any kind of emotional connection possible. In her attempt to make it in man's world, she lost her sense of womanhood completely. Meanwhile, Andy found the balance she needed to be successful but to keep herself intact. I think that's a very positive message, and the movie was fun to watch, to boot.


:: 2010 27 March :: 2.04 am
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Ugh. I'm so fucking down and I really don't know what the fuck to do about it. I need to be writing. I desperately need to write and I can only bring myself to write in this shithole - the least productive thing I could possibly do. I think about these three or four different stories all the time and I can't figure out how to start them or what to do with them so I just write bullshit in this journal that like one person in the world reads and it gets me nowhere.

It's not about her anymore. I'm dealing with that. I still think about it a lot, more than I should, definitely way more than she does, but it's really not about that at this point. I mean, that does contribute. It makes me really depressed thinking about the fact that she probably goes days on end without thinking about me at all and that she's probably seeing some other guy now and is just as happy with him as she was with me. But the only reason that that bothers me so much is because nothing else is working out either. Everything involving her is just hardcore salt in my unrelated wounds. I seriously am hurting inside. Like there is just this terrible feeling in my chest and it sucks so much. I wish school wasn't so painful this semester. I really need to have more money, but I will soon, but I don't now. I'm trying to go out and be outgoing everywhere I am and make something work but it's not happening. I've never been as motivated or tried this hard to meet someone new but it's just not working and it's making this whole thing suck even more. March is already almost over and I love that because it means I'm that much closer to school ending. But it makes me think. When I look at the calendar on my wall with almost all of the days crossed off, I realize how terrible this month has been. Week one: depressed and unhappy. Week two: nonstop homework, worst week ever. Week three: slept in, played video game, worked, did nothing. Week four: school, work, absolutely nothing happened. And a few days still to go.

I think the last time I was this unhappy for this long was the summer before senior year. I was in a similar place relating to females, and it sucked that summer because I didn't have real friends. My friends that summer sucked. They were barely friends. I had a rough time the summer and fall after I came back from Chicago, but at least I had real friends, and I did some fun things. I have real friends now. I do fun things now. But I do incredibly un-fun things also, and I'm just fucking unhappy. I don't know what the fuck to do about it.


:: 2010 26 March :: 4.11 am
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I'm sitting here in bed, about to go to sleep, and for some reason I started thinking about one of the stupidest things I've done regarding females.

It was my first week in Chicago, and I hadn't yet started school or work. I was at the new student festival thing, I don't remember what it's called. They held it in Grant Park and it had representatives from all the student clubs and organizations, a meet-and-greet type of deal, I'm sure every college has some equivalent. I know Wayne does. So I was walking around the tables with my roommates, but we got separated pretty quickly due to different interests and lingerings. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I was walking by the Christian club table and became engaged in a conversation with a pretty girl who was probably two or three years older than me, at least. She was trying to recruit me to the club and I told her that I was not a Christian. She asked me about that, and we ended up talking for a good ten minutes or so. This is very unusual for such an event, because normally you talk for a minute or two and then move on. Her cohorts kept looking over and wondering what was going on. Anyway we had a very nice, respectful and interesting conversation about our differing beliefs, and she ended up writing down her name and number on a piece of paper and giving it to me. She said if I wanted to talk more about it to give her a call. At the time I really thought she meant just that, and was still trying to recruit me into the club, but now I think she was plain giving me her number. I didn't realize it until about a year ago. She was older than me, smart, attractive, and fun to talk to. Her name was Dusty. What an idiot I was not to call her. I was still hung up on Elle at the time, but that whole fiasco was probably over with before my window closed. Oh well. I still have that piece of paper, because I rarely throw out things like that (I have ticket stubs from 2003). It really is so silly looking back. What was I thinking. That brings up a brand new point, which I've never considered before this second: I think the the majority of the most natural, free-flowing and in-depth conversations that I've had with new females has been about religion, and usually it's when they are religious. Weird.


:: 2010 11 March :: 8.11 am
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For the past four days I have been shut in my bedroom completely, only leaving for work and school. I don't feel like I know how to write anymore - I think every paragraph I've written this week has been worse than the previous. I'm afraid that I am broken and can now only write what I think and feel and not what I know. It is the loneliest feeling to be shut in a small room for four days reading and writing and watching your roommates come and go and live their lives, the only contact with the outside world being passing conversation and short exchanges over Facebook chat. I anxiously await the rest of today, when I will be thrust into the social situations of class and work and will feel like I am part of a real world and not trapped in some boring, poorly-written episode of the Twilight Zone. When I come home from work in 14 hours I will be barely human.

"I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger."

No I'll be fine. I've finished the last of my insane load of work due this week and the rest of my semester should be spread out a little better. I got my DTE billz paid and at midnight I'll get a new paycheck. Things are gonna change, I can feel it.


:: 2010 7 March :: 2.55 am
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I definitely don't like dubstep.

I keep buying packs of cigarettes and I think I smoke about 1/5th of them, the rest divided between Pat and Griffin. I started buying cigarettes to even out all the ones that I bummed from Pat and Griffin but now they just don't ever have them anymore and I keep buying them. I only want two or three per night and they each want at least three to five per night. I am starting to notice. I think I'm going to stop supplying them and see what happens.

The people that like dubstep are not people that I tend to want to be around. I also don't really like the music. I don't like the music itself. I don't like the dancing associated with it. I don't like the style associated with it. I do not have a good time in a dubstep setting. I was disappointed to come to that conclusion tonight, after having paid $10 to go to a dubstep show. I did not know it was going to be dubstep. I kind of already knew how I felt about it - I wouldn't have gone knowing it was dubstep. While I was there I thought a lot of things. I thought of a lot that I wanted to write about, but now I am really pretty tired and I've lost most of it. That's really disappointing but I'll get back to it eventually.


:: 2010 3 March :: 4.01 pm
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The past few days have been different. When I step back and out of myself I can see that the changes of the past few days are the best thing and that I need to become accustomed to them, but as I live and breathe in my own body and mind I cannot help but become upset and anxious at how things have been. We only talked briefly on Sunday night, after what happened Saturday. It was positive and made me optimistic. On Monday we had a relatively brief but nice and friendly conversation, followed by a shorter one much later. After that things became different. No more talking at all. She initiated no conversation with me at all. Same with Tuesday. Same with today, so far. And no text messages or anything of the sort. It appears that her interest in me in any capacity, friend or otherwise, has completely waned. If that is true, my attempts to keep things going will yield nothing and will only bother her, and put me in a sad, weak position. However, on the other side of that coin, it means we will just not talk anymore and that's the end of everything, and that makes me pretty sad too. I can't be the one to initiate the conversations at this point. Things are much too shaky and uncertain for me to text her randomly and start talking to her the way she did me all this time. Also, Saturday night was a confusing situation for me. She was drunk, and I would never have allowed anything to happen, but the fact that she consciously did not want anything sexual to happen but did want me to hold her through the night was a strange thing to me. She wanted me to hold her, she held my hands, she stroked my thigh, but still in the morning she maintained our distance, and after that she ceased contact with me. That is such a strange thing. That perplexes me so. I would feel so much better if only she would talk to me. Being fully aware of no romantic potential, if only we could continue talking it would help me to relax so much.

I know deep down that I should just forget it. The whole thing. The friendship, the more than friendship, whatever else. I should just let it all go and get the fuck over it. It's just really difficult because I feel like that's exactly what she is doing, and she seems to be having such an easy time of it, and it really fucking hurts how easy that is for her. The idea that my last two weeks have been the worst in years and that she is just having a good time and doing her own thing. It was nice, at least, when she was depressed and talking to me about it. It was comforting that she was unhappy too. I didn't feel so alone that way. But all of a sudden she has become this beacon of light and happiness, and with that she has lost interest in me completely. Even interest as a friend. That sucks. That's worse than it was before. It almost feels like she needed me when she was down to help make her feel better, and now that she feels better she doesn't care about me anymore. I've served my purpose. That makes me feel really shitty and very alone. What I need to do is what she is doing, or at least appear to. I need to appear happy, social, no problem here. That would be good for two reasons. One is the message that it would send her. The other is that it would help me meet new people, who would then help me get over her. If the latter actually works, then the former won't really matter. Vice versa applies. But I'd like for both to happen just in case. And you know what? I bet neither will. I'm not even close to being in a position to meet people and look happy, and I bet she wouldn't even notice or care if I were. This sucks. I hate this so much. This is the worst feeling to me. It's not the first time I've felt it. It's the worst feeling I've ever had and it's the worst position to be in. Of all the shitty things I've felt and all the shitty positions I've been in, this is the worst. I want it to be gone. I want this semester to be over. I want it to be May 5th right now. On the whole, at this very moment, I feel as though my life genuinely sucks.


:: 2010 2 March :: 1.23 pm
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Today I have not been able to concentrate. I can't sit still and I can't focus on anything and barely feel capable of communicating with others. I am having some trouble breathing as well. Last night I watched 500 Days of Summer. I have seen it before but watching it in my current state of mind was difficult and changed something. What it changed, I'm not sure. Whether it was positive, I'm not sure. Also difficult last night was a lack of conversation which left me feeling unsure about the state of things. Right now the things running through my mind alternate between the following: the really nice times I had with her and the things about her that I like, how I'm going to miss those things, how I wish I could continue to enjoy those things, how maybe I will be able to again, how stupid it is to think that, how she's treated me and what it means, what I could have done to bring this on, how it'll be easier for me to find someone else from here on out, how difficult it is to find someone else, how she will find someone else easily and I will have to deal with that, and so on. I'm basically switching back and forth between two opposing ideas. One being the regret, confusion and empty optimism of trying to work things out with her and what I should be doing to achieve that, which makes me kind of crazy and does not allow me to focus or relax ever. The other being the idea of totally forgetting about her, trying to find someone else, taking a deep breath and moving on. Clearly the latter is what I should be focusing my energy on and trying to accomplish, but as I consider it, I think of how difficult it is to meet someone at all, let alone someone that has the qualities that I really want in a girl. I also think of not only how easy it is for her to meet any new guy she wants, but the fact that she will indeed, and she will be just as happy with him or even happier. Those things just bring be back down to feeling crazy and I go back to thinking about the first idea. It's becoming a cycle and I don't know how to fix it.


:: 2010 19 February :: 2.17 am
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I'm having a really hard time right now. I'm working more hours per week than I ever have while in school and my classes this semester have the heaviest workloads I've experienced yet. Those aren't even the things really upsetting me. If nothing else were going on, those things would bother me but not like this. And I do like the extra hours at work it's just hard. And I've been pretty lonely for a long time but I've been managing it alright and not letting it get to me too much. But then someone was really interested in me and I was so unsure at first and I was so guarded for so long but everything that happened between us encouraged me to calm down and let myself really like her and so I started to. And we had so much fun and liked each other so much and then it just stopped. Somewhere between leaving her house Monday morning, both of us still glowing from the day before, and mid-Tuesday, a switch flipped and everything changed. Maybe it was because we tried to flip a different switch too early. Maybe that was my fault, maybe I misread her. Maybe I did a ton of things that I thought were innocent and fun and playful that actually really upset her. I spent Tuesday night and all of Wednesday and all of Thursday racking my brains trying to figure out what it was and I came up with several possibilities and it upset me so much thinking that those little things could have ended this so abruptly, that things I did because I got too comfortable or too excited or too confident may have completely ruined everything. And then finally she told me it was just not a good time and she doesn't want anything serious right now (but also doesn't want to go back to being casual, at least not with me) and assures me that I didn't do anything and basically says "It's not you, it's me" in every way possible without actually saying it. But it's obviously me because switches like that flip for a reason, and this wasn't the relationship switch. This wasn't her wanting to take back what we decided on Sunday - this was the end of the official relationship as well as whatever it was that we had before that. It's just so difficult to think about and it's honestly a little frustrating because I feel like she began and ended this entire thing at her own volition and I was kind of along for the ride and the hurt with no real control over the outcome. I was so reluctant and through her actions and her behavior and her treatment of me she convinced me to open up and to like her and then when I really started to she changed her mind and shut it down. I feel like it was a no-win situation. I feel like I was toyed with and made to chase my tail and do flips, like I was part of some experiment in human nature, and I know that that's not true, I know that she would not do something like that, and I know that her feelings were genuine at the time. But I can't help feeling like I was just a ragdoll in this. And the question "If I could take it all back, would I?" is also such a tough thing to think about because no, there were no real leaps or bounds brought forth from our time together, it was just casual and intimate fun, but it's something that I've had so little of and have yearned for so much that even having it for a little while was great. But that is probably why I can't get fucking Peter Godwin out of my head today. "It's images of heaven that take me to hell." I can't stop repeating that line in my mind. I wasn't the happiest and I longed for something more for a long time, but when I finally got it, it was so brief. It was an image, a snapshot, and now that it's gone I feel even worse than I did before. I've gotten a taste of what I desired so much and then the plate was taken from me. It's not even fully about this individual. It's about some sort of intimate companionship in general that I desired, which was to be supplied to me through someone that I was quite fond of. I don't feel like there is much more that I can say but I don't want to stop writing.

I have another major problem and concern in my life which began literally on the first day of this year. I can't even say what it is. Only one person that I care about even knows what it is. I feel so much pressure, I feel like everything is filling me up inside and has no way to get out. I can't say the whole of what I feel on any given subject to anyone. People know that different things are bothering me but I will not let them know really how much I am bothered. I'm embarrassed to let anyone know how upset I am about my current situation because to everyone else I was dumped by someone that I only saw for a few weeks anyway. There is no one that I trust with the idea that I am just so unbearably lonely and that is why this upsets me so much more than it should. And I have so much trouble with this because this is one of the areas that I feel truly and completely inadequate. Unskilled and helpless. There is so little that I feel I can do to change this situation. When I try, I either fail or I feel so uncomfortable with my actions and behavior that I make myself stop. No one can help me with that and no one is comfortable hearing it. My family members would feel for me but have no way to help and it would only upset them and make them uncomfortable. My friends are the same way. I don't want pity and I know there's no real way to help. I don't even know what I want. I just want an unbiased and objective listener. I just want to say how I really feel, how I honestly, deep down, truly feel on these things, without some kind of judgement or pity or loss of respect. I guess that's why I'm writing it here. I doubt anyone will see this. I just can't open up about this because I want so much to be a strong and self-reliant person, I want to be able to handle on my own anything that I'm dealing with, and I do that so often and have been for years but my problems now are becoming so great and overlapping so much that I just can't take it. I want for summer so desperately because I know that all of these things will be over when summer starts. But summer won't be starting for a long time still and these things are not gone. I feel so alone. I wish there were one person that I could open up to completely about everything. Even a romantic interest or a real girlfriend I could not tell, because I think my real feelings would scare her or overwhelm her or make her feel pressured and then that switch would flip and I'd be back where I am now. I don't know what to do.

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