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Futile Fluctuations in Time

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:: 2004 2 December :: 4.33 pm

i'm not going to use this anymore
and i can't delete everything unless i do it seperately so...

bye :)

:: 2004 11 November :: 12.41 am

I look forward to the day when realize I have fallen in love with you

:: 2004 9 November :: 3.49 am

I exist as I am.
That is enough
-Walt whitman (i think)

:: 2004 7 November :: 12.56 am

I hate that _______ pisses me off all the time. He just says stuff that would be rude to say to anyone, mostly me. For example i know i can't spell and i have trouble typing without screwing up. but i am not going to change it and is pisses me off when he constantly tells me how i screwed up. and he knows it pisses me off and yet he continues. and he never has any kind of emotion towards me at all, which for being my best friend sucks. yet he gets all sappy and crap when he thinks that this will be the last fall play for some people. and starts to talk about how he wants to cry. and it made me mad when he said that. because when was the last time he cared about anything i did? and when was the last time he talked to me without criticizing something about me?




:: 2004 6 November :: 12.31 am

Things you might not know about me: (stolen from rachel because she is so damn hot and awesome
- my middle name is mallory

-i have always wanted a little brother and still do

- i care to much about other people's problems and drag them with me through the day

-i know too many single moms

-i refuse to fantasize about someone i know, or even a real person. because i feel bad, like i am disrespecting them

-i worry more than most people i know

-i love flowers so much i think i should become a botanist

-when i disagree with someone immensly i hold it in to avoid conflict

-i am really good at figuring out the things people want you to know but are afraid to tell you

-I can be a real bitch

-i am not a morning person. i can't talk until i am fully awake otherwise i start to get pissy.

-i used to make fun of my sister's middle name: randal

- my star-gazing buddy moved to New Mexico and i have been looking for a new one for the last year.

- i fell in love for the first time when i was 11

- Every single actual boyfriend i have ever had has been or became a homosexual

- I love people really easily

-i trust people to the point of being gullible

-and when i get mad or upset i get so emotional i can't think and i start to cry and so i leave the area. Because i hate people seeing me cry. and that just makes people think i am immature and running away from an argument, where i really just need to controol my emotions so i am prpoperly able to communicate

-i get mad at one of my best friends alllllll the time

:: 2004 5 November :: 7.21 pm

things i found out today:

-my cast has been collecting dust

-when i type my password i can sing a song like this: boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo boo... the last boo is where i press enter.

-tiffany's party tonight

-Jessie has the best senior pictures i have seen

-RACHAEL has senior pictures and neglected to give me one... cough cough... hemm.

-my dog ate another two pair of my underware ><. now i have to go out and get more.

-Rae is wonderful

- I can't think of any major accomplishments in my life

-I nEEd to finish my paper for msu

-i have one hot calf and one that is really just the texture of a BOOB by now

- i should never forget to put deoderant on

-i love older people.


:: 2004 4 November :: 9.34 pm

Blood rushing, head thobbing, body being still.
Controlling, demanding, soft, it touches. Turns cold skin pale.
Every movement, every Chime, kills the mind; it shows no shame.

A scream, a shreak, the emptiness grows within her,
the persistence showered her sight with tinted distortions of men.
yet all stood still. no notice given to the agony of the numb.

The silence, the empty presence of a woman shallow loved.
Cried out! in a stare.
This flower, being wilted by untamed power.

my poem

:: 2004 3 November :: 3.37 pm

We have one chance.
One chance to get everything right.
We have one chance, one chance.
And if we're lucky we might.

My friends, my habits, my family,
they mean so much to me.
I just don't think that it's right.
I've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again and go off sinking.

I'm just a box in a cage.

Didn't mean to laugh, didn't know I had.
Didn't know the better part of what you said
cuz in your head you are not home.

Didn't get the joke. Didn't mean to poke another,
just to save myself
from some something something or another one.
Well walk home.

I'm just a box in a cage.

We have one chance,
one chance to get everything right.
My friends, my habits, my family,
they mean so much to me.
I just don't think that it's right.
I've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again and go off sinking.


so i walked into my english class and was feeling fine and dandy and was talking with mr.watson. suddenly i felt light-headed and i honestly think i was about to pass out. It was scary and i got big head ache afterwards.
i went to the nurses office to lay down.
i was trying to figure out what exactly had happened. Maybe a combonation of a very irregular sleeping pattern, likewise diet, and an irregular emotional pattern. i thin kpart of what brought it on was talking to mr. watson. he was talking about all the things we had been doing and how i didn't really miss anything from the three days i was gone the week before. He said we had our presentations, the in class essay, and the native american paper we wrote. That's where i freaked out and almost passed out.
I think it was due to how i have been in school 7 days in the past 3 weeks and have missed a lot of school. so i don't know for some reason i had thought i hadn't written my native american paper, just like it completly slipped my mind.

it was weird. i feel like i am under a lot of stress but when i think about it, i might just be being a pussy about everything.



i love you all

:: 2004 2 November :: 2.25 pm


:: 2004 26 October :: 11.00 pm

I;m sick of people getting extremely depressed over the silliest things in the world. Getting upset, frustrated, and stressed are understandable emotions. Honestly though!....

I don't know i can understand to a point. I mean people have their strengths and their weaknesses. A reaction also depends on the expiriences one has gone through.

I think everyone should have to go through a pile of shit situations, because they make you stronger and more sympathetic.
end rant

So I follow a lot of Christian beliefs and have many christian values, but i honestly know practically nothing about the bible

:: 2004 23 October :: 11.21 am

my cousin died of alcchhol poisoning last night...

If you are going to drink, do it resposibly and know your limits.

:: 2004 25 September :: 12.52 am

i am really upset i fell like i have no friends. number of people who have called to see how i was doing? 2 on monday.

my family has been wonderful though, my aunts and my grandma called to check on me ^_^

my break was worse than i thought. i guess most people just get a splint or maybe a cast to help the bones grow back together. where i had reconstructive surgery 4 hours after i broke it. the nurse at school said i shouldn't try to work so hard.

a lady was telling me how her daughter got hit my a garbage truck when she was riding her bike last year at msu. she fractured her ankle and didn't even get a splint. i fell at most 10 feet. i have bruises appearing all over


:: 2004 20 September :: 7.32 pm

I broke my ankle late friday night.

i was downtown at the caulder, where the big tire swing is. It's supported by a bunch of beams. I was climbing on it, lost my balance and slipped. I probably won't be around for a few days.

Using crutches is really difficult because i am out of shape. it takes a lot of tricep muscle and chest muscle. it also takes a lot of hip muscle and sjhoulder muscle. i can barely get around. ><

It won't last too long though. I'll be better at longest christmas. i think i am going to try to do both crutches and wheel chair in school. i know i will run out of energy.

well don't feel bad for me, it was my stupid fault anyway. but when i get back hugs and massages are welcome ;)

<3 amanda

:: 2004 11 September :: 12.29 pm

Ashley and I taught my dog how to roll over! i am so excited! YAY

:: 2004 9 September :: 11.36 pm

I fell in love with the man who's skin was stained with hope | Random Journal