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:: 2007 20 March :: 11.42 am
:: Music: Yann Tiersen - La Valse D'Amlie

Long time no see
I forgot I still had this thing up...well not really forgot, just didn't know what to write anymore. I can't keep up with the shit in my life, it's going way too fast. It goes fast, but it doesn't end fast...bah.

I'm seriously screwed now though, I dropped out of school again. Their whole system of teaching the students messed with my head, I couldn't take it.
The whole idea of being THAT independant...that's not for me. I need guidance... But still when I looked for that, there wasn't any on that school so yeah. But do I really need to clarify myself for that on here? No. I've told that to many people now, they were curious why I dropped out of school again aswell. Fuck that shit man.
Now I got no money and I'm looking for a job... I went to a ehmmm what to call it in english ehhhh..... I call it tour-day at a school and there were also this police people recruiting. Which I was kinda interested in, you know police...arresting people, keeping stuff in order. Would be kewl I guess and you don't have to spend all day behind a desk unless you want to...

ANYWAY! So since I was 21 years old they said I had some more live-experience then other people...(not the older people ofcourse) so it would be best if I joined them right away instead of taking and orientation course. So they invited me to be shown around their police academy where they train their people. Which is I think pretty awesome, I'm going there on march 26st. If it's gonna be really cool then I think I'm gonna be a cop. It has nothing to do with the thing they stand for, I just need the money and I guess it could be exciting sometimes.

Other then that I had ...a new girlfriend. was going on and off all the time with her. She's the girl I cheated with on Gaby. I felt so bad when that happend. But Gaby is gone, all the stuff I got from her are thrown away, trying to think of her as less as possible. Thought Petra is NOTHING like Gaby.
She says she shy but...considering the fact that she loves to go out, hang with guys (more then girls) and dresses in a way that would seem sexual to any guy and ass if she's shy. So anyway, as jealous as I can be I never could stand the fact she was always chatting to these guys on MSN and shit, I tried my best to just ignore it and not be bothered by it which sometimes went just fine...but she goes on MSN so much...
Then there were these times that she had these guys on MSN and then went to visit them you know just like friends, not a date or anything and then all these assholes tried to kiss her or more... then she came back to me crying... But it's not like she learned from it, she did it about 3-4 times.
It pissed me off fucking good... I just had enough of the whole jealous thing and the way she is. And she didn't like it that I was so jealous over stuff. All in all we were just TOO different and it ended. Now she want's to be my friend...but I don't know if I can take the fact that eventually she'll walk with a new boyfriend again... Can you blame me???
We even talked over getting a house somewhere and become like room-mates or something, I dont know seems awefully risky. I don't think I'm gonna do it eventhough I so wanna move out of this fucking house.

Stuff is just fucked up, so fucked up I'm even gonna see a psychiatrist about things. On april 3rd I'm gonna meet this other girl Iris. We're just gonna watch a movie (Ghostrider) together. I don't take it as a date, just fun. I hope she does aswell cause I'm not really into any love/dating-scenes yet.

I'm sure ill post on this journal again when I feel like, just needed to get this stuff of my back for now.

4 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2006 15 November :: 1.13 am

Who gives a flying fuck about you anyway? Aslong as they got something/someone to put their shit on. And if you tell them how you think about it, ITS YOUR FAULT! YOU MADE THEM FEEL GUILTY! YOU HURT THEM! It

Yeah well maybe it is my fault and it happens over and over and over and over again cause I always seem to hurt people.

I tell them "I think it's best if I should stay alone". But they say "No of course not ^^".

But what do they know....

Eventually they will bugger off. Cause mostly what you want, is not always what's best for you. Then again.....what is best for you?

I don't wanna face it all alone. I wan't someone I love with all my heart. I want someone to hold. I want someone to sleep with me at night. I want someone that makes me feel like I don't have to face everything alone. I want to stop being jealous. I want to stop hurting people...

But all of those things are like miracles and will never happen.

Understand why live sucks.


:: 2006 12 October :: 9.55 am

It's been forever since I actually posted something here.

Things have gone downhill so much, after Gaby left I lost love aswell. I will can never love Petra as I loved her. I don't think I can love anyone like that ever again and it bothers me.

School isn't coming along very well either. I got through the first year, but the second year just went bad again...
I'll probably drop out...again. I wish everything could just be good for once. Having a nice girlfriend that I can say I love her without wondering about it if I'm not sure about it. An education which I actually like or a well-paid job that doesn't make me feel like I live to work. But none of that will happen anyway.

It would take a fucking miracle. So maybe hell and heaven don't exist.
A good life is heaven and a bad life is hell. That would also explain the reincarnation thing if you ask me. I just wish I could feel without worries, that everything would go smooth. I don't know what else to do.

3 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2006 13 June :: 9.54 pm
:: Music: Rammstein - Te Quiero Puta

Im growing fatter....yay...gained like 4 kgs and it shows on my body. Hate it. The hair cut bitch cut my hair too short and everyone is mentioning I'm gonna be bald when I grow older. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT ASSHOLES!
There's just never a happy ending in anything. I do everything wrong don't I? I almost wouldn't give a fuck anymore.
"Just think everything will be alright and it will." Bull....shit.... how can anyone tell me that? Do they know the rules in life and what is gonna happen in the future, do they control what is gonna happen? I've been sure about something that everything was gonna be better and I really believed in it. Still it ended so bad... why should I believe now that it's gonna be alright???

I just don't get it how people can actually be happy. Maybe it's just cause they do not know what's going on. I do. I know that people can't be happy if they knew about other people. And if they still could be happy then... how can they ignore it.

I don't think I even wanna be happy anymore. I mean what's the difference in it anyway. Ignoring everything bad around you? I wish I could solve it but everytime I try it just tends to get worse.

I don't know, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do. I'll just have to keep walking a nd see where I end up so I get something to hold onto again and try to get a grip from there. But what if there never will be anything to hold onto anymore.

Just let me drown.

4 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2006 23 May :: 10.33 pm

To say it really easy:

I cheated on Gaby,
I lost Gaby,
I got a new love?

Besides that live pretty much keeps on sucking.
Being filled with feelings more then one can bear, it just keeps on coming. Doubt, jealousy, insecureness, anger. Whatever.
I know I'll never be all right. People have killed themselves for less.
Feeling like I'm not needed anymore for anyone. That's ok. I still got myself....what's left of it. Did I lose myself?

5 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2008 14 May :: 10.14 pm

I've sinned, and it's not just the feeling of guilt. I can just feel it in my whole body. I can feel it that I will end up in hell for this...

Gaby --> Petra --> Gaby... what the fuck happend...

Every man has its boundries...its limits. I don't think I can take much more untill I give up everything. What's the use. Love really isn't worth it. It's better to have a really good friend then anything else. Sex sucks... Love sucks...

Friendship is the best.

Consider yourself lucky if you have a GOOD friend...not just some friend...

She was happy when I was with her, I had the power to just make her happy and put a smile on her face. But I just blew it all in trying to make someone else happy aswell. And then hearts shatter. One person?

Three Days Grace -Animal I've Become.mp3

I can't escape this hell,
So many times I've tried,
But I'm still caged inside,
Somebody get me through this nightmare,
I can't control myself.

So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

I can't escape myself, I cant escape myself
So many times I've lied, so many times I've lied
But there's still rage inside,
Somebody get me through this nightmare,
I can't control myself.

So what if you can see,
The darkest side of me,
No one will ever change this animal I have become.
Help me believe it's not the real me.
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become.

Help me believe it's not the real me,
Somebody help me tame this animal.

Somebody help me through this nightmare,
I can't control myself.
Somebody wake me from this nightmare,
I can't escape this hell.

So what if you can see,
The darkest side of me,
No one will ever change this animal I have become.
Help me believe it's not the real me.
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become.

Help me believe it's not the real me,
Somebody help me tame this animal.

This animal I have become.

1 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2006 29 March :: 11.14 am

Slowly but surely it's comming to an end. What end it is I don't know but it doesn't matter. I just want it to end aswell no matter how it ends. Guilt is a very very very powerfull weapon. I hope no one is ever mean enough to actually use it. I was so stupid enough to use it against myself. is my fault afterall. For everything that has happend to anyone at these times is my fault.

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