2004 27 January :: 8.29 pm
I am soo confused.
2003 5 December :: 7.03 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Nickelback - Never Again
the wheels will stop and the entire kinetic energy of the system will be used to accelerate my head toward the ground
2003 26 November :: 1.35 am
:: Mood: passive agressive wood elf : )
:: Music: Linkin Park - Numb
removed due to confusion
2003 12 October :: 10.44 am
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: The Unchosen One Vertical Horizon
"If you see a stranger follow him"
Yeh, i was told to update
I guess it has been a while since i've updated my journal
So what has been going on in my life... at first glance, nothing......
Since school let out my senior friends, the few i desided to obtain, have been unseen. Other than LB of course.
After school let out, I hung out with a range of lower classmen. I had most of them mad at me for a while, (although none of them would say they were mad, they would just tell me how the others were mad, and i followed it in a compleat circle twice, then let it be.) After they were seemingly unmad, they stoped hanging out with me, or did i stop asking.. ah well.
So the other day i read a short poetic line, about how how the best thing in life is when a stranger a friend, and the worst is when a friend becomes a stranger. I gave it a secound look, and thought weather stranger or enemy was worse. I concluded to give the writer the benifit of the doubt.
I have recently made a friend of a stranger in my math class (rarely does a friend make a stranger of me, so i kinda figure the writer (above) should have delt out a hint or two about who has to make the stranger friend thing happen, otherwise people may lay the responsibility of others... which works for the beatiful 12% of america) *desides to go off topic a little more* i've found that people prefer a strange friend, to a friendly stranger, sometimes im dislexic about it, and get people mad at me : )
Okay, so i hung out with my new friend, and had a jolly old time, I like what i see in her eyes. It reminds me of those mirrors in the funny house. 1/1000 has a chance to make you look better through them.
They day before, I was juggleing in a hallway, that i only get to go in at that time, like 10% of the days, and only go to half that many, i often sleep longer, if i dont have my first class. aproximitly 4 minutes into juggleing(juggleing time is liable to be off by hour's, i appologize to anyone who cares :) ) anyways right about then, this dazzleing beauty sits across the 4 foot (narrow) halway from me. and smiles, she smiles as if to say, look im smileing. I glance over at her, (I dont really know if it was 'over' cuz i prefer to get into a daze, when juggling) and I'm a little shocked, because its been a while since i've been smiled at by someone of this surRealItty, and it's been even longer (back when i started to make my own callenders) since i've been smiled at like this. well i look, blush, and let out a giggle with consealed nervousness. and she says, with a pointing jeschur in her face, "better than i could do." It takes a secound to hit me, and i remark with an inquizitive nature, "You juggle!?" she tells me it was a while ago, and she never got this good, and i try a few times to strike up conversations about classes, and what she plans to do for her career... Then the time comes to talk to my eng, teacher for a few minutes, she would be there when i got back, and when i got back i sat down *rather than juggleing,* allowing me to concentrate on conversation easier. and i talked to her for a little bit, and another guy comes up, and i observe them, because i rarely have anything to say beyound 1 on 1 conversations. she had mentioned a brother who had the same job field as him, but she flirted with him, i would estimate she had been single for half a month, (or is in a distanced relationship) i would also say she had only known him for less than two weeks.
She apears single, beautiful, and admires my clown handing(juggleing), i consider giveing her my number, and asking her to hang out, despite the other guy *i've learned to ignor those who would be in my way (this will get me in trouble with-in the next 2 years) * but i deside to review first, and i play back the last 20 minutes, and take a closer look at her eyes, and i a reminded of a friend that has left me twice, and was very demanding as a person, she was never impressed(this would be the one percive-able difference) and she treated me as if i was supposed to be perfect *that or 'i take jokes to seriously'* . either way it was quite stressful. So i deside i will let the stranger remain, and bid her adue, ^shake her hand^ and go on about my day.
Then i remember, that my days with that stressful friend, were some of the best days of my life, and deside i may have to run into this one, at least once more
Regretting not making a stranger a friend, reminds me of just 4 days before that. I was playing Hippy stix *which has become a rareity, ever since i've started with juggleing*, i was exsplaining a few of the basic tricks to my art friends. *after giving Linn a pair of hippy stix, for her b-day^which was the day before^* and in my periffial vision, i see a lady, around my age, with blue shoes, verry blue, not that stripes crap. I pause my session, and lean backwards to make sure her shoes were really blue. all my friends claimed i was checking out her butt, and one of them called me a tippicle boy. they seemed to beleave me when i explained. one even joked that i should catch up with her, she might be my destiny. the next day, i kinda wish i had at least found out who she was. since then my favorite quote has become a quote from Cowboy Bebop. Edward(a very odd young girl) said " Lesson Lesson, if you see a stranger follow him " *or her in my case*
and yet again i am led to be a friendly stranger, in hopes to become yet another's strange friend
2003 20 June :: 12.04 am
You are Psychic!
What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla
i am arnt i,, you should see me at cards!
You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
and i thought they didnt like being attacked
2003 19 June :: 11.52 pm
:: Music: None saddly, need to install winamp again
Look its me!!
No really its me!!
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
2003 22 March :: 4.19 pm
:: Music: Thinking over
On my computer i seem to have problems opening any sites that open in new windows, its crazy... i cant go into woohu chat, but its not just php stuff, and its not that gunny banned me or anything *at least not that i know of* infact i cant even open a window by right clicking on a link and saying *open in new window* the window just freezes the picture of what ever is behind where it opens...
Also i have recently been handed a ThinkPad 600 laptop *not to keep just to fix* and every where i go for the error it tells me to reformat and reinstall windows, or to through the peice of crap away. However there are Anonomous files on this tp600 that the owner wants badly, however i she 'can't' tell me what they are... there are a serise of errors though...
1) I9990305 meaning that there is a problem booting up the OS
2) while intelizing SHELL it has problems finding and/or loading KRNL386.exe
meaning that there are conflicting System files
3) 109 which probibly just means that the battery died *happened just now* i had charged the battery for a few hours, it showed green when i got back from work... i had it on for approximately 20 minutes and the thing starts complaining. it has no problem staying awake and running when its charging and in use... *plugged in* but if i have it unpluged i can usually get it to start windows properly.... it experiances errors 1 and 2 while its plugged in, but usually not when its not.... This computer is driving me a little bit crazy, and so does its owner.
I am having a good day :)
i hope all of you are too.
2003 5 March :: 6.19 pm
booted by gunny yet again
18:14] Error : Closing Link: Frost[tc2-grr-088.wmis.net] andy ([irc.woohu.org] Local kill by andy (and i stopped talking. you didn't.))
he really likes to build up those local fraggs
guess it is a nice way for him to get the last word in...
and yet he doesnt care if the room is filled with people talking about testicles, and fat people they dont know...
one day i may learn, but i hope not.
2003 25 January :: 11.25 pm
:: Music: Incubus - Warning
Jan 25 2003
I awoke today, and stretched as is alwaays desireable. I continued though my dayly morning procedures, of eating and all exspected higine duties.
I had planned on spending the day reading... A LOT.
and after eating i enduldged in writing a plan for a music video i have been contriving in my head, hopefully the cast will not have any problems with it.
Then at about noon i started my reading...
it is now 208 pages and 11 hours later.
I feal this acheivement is better than my other options for the day
not to mention it rates me at a page for every 3 minutes
which is more than 3 times faster than what i have found before.
but i feal is still likely to be considered slow.
I enjoyed reading Treasure Island. I found it was much like the movie untill near the end.
In a way i wish i read the book first, because i couldnt get the voices or pictures portayed by disney out of my head... and i perfer the images i conjure in my own mind while reading a book.
I do agree with an article i read. in the disapointment in the portrayel of BEN
I am also glad i seen the movie first in my own way. It helped inspire me to read the book with such attentiveness.
I am disturbed by how cross eyed i am after reading for this long. not to mention i feal the need to stretch now more than i did this morning. ^testing my vision^ I cannot stay consitrated on any detail for more than 3 secounds without my vision doubleing, and only blinking seems to fix it.
2003 24 January :: 9.57 pm
:: Music: DMB : Crash Into Me
\'I have no concept of time, other than it is dieing.\' (Alantis Moreset)
\'You cannot leave foot prints in the sands of time if you are sitting on your butt, and who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time.\' :
( I read it all by my self!!... somewhere... :) )
There is a certain pain that comes with each day that passes me by. I am constantly updating a \'stadard relivence\' for what i have spent the day on. When this standard is not met, it hurts in side. The pain is partially for the seemingly waisted 24 hours, but more so for the lowered standard. Other days far surpass the standard, then i am happy for the moment, yet filled with the fear of falling back down.
Despite all this, i rather enjoy the ups and downs, for it is better to have to joy and pain, than to not feal at all.
*Frost, To be cold and unfealing. Numb to the world, and often in the way. But when morning comes and the sun does rise. I shale thaw, and become once again the nector of life... Must i fall to the ground?*
I have been asked a few personal questions about my fealings recently. While dwelling upon how it is I wish to reply i learned more about my self.
My greatest fears:
1) That fear of #2 will make it a self fullfilling destiny
2) To lose someone important to me.
3) To not fear #2. (if something so important to me is no longer important, where does that leave the rest of the world?)
It was also mentioned that i deal with my emotions quite well. (i assume the meaning to be focused on anger, and maybe even stress) On my attempt to observe my calmness, i found my beleif in (what i used to think was called) \'transendence\' ^i thought it summorized the idea of \"what goes around comes around\", but uppon a closer look at the dictionary, its not even close.^ anyways this style of thought process leaves me less upset with many situations than the average person.
I have found something that disturbed me, during this time of analisis.
That being how loosely the average person uses the words Always and Forever.
One minute someone could be telling me that that we will be friends \'forever\', the next the internet it taking \'forever\' to connect. Thankfully they are still my friend.
Also i have been told to \'just pay more attention\' in order to know what bothers a person. however. My attentiveness leads to my actions that bother them... I also must work on avoiding the words \'I sorry\'&\'I appologize\', and i must find other words to exspress my sympathy for a situation that has little to do with me.
I have rid myself of \'I\'m sorry\'s in the past, however with no insentive left afterwords, for those who cared had exited stage left from my life. Perhaps unconcously i blammed it on the lack of appologies, or perhaps i gave up on fixing myself after that. Either way, they have returned, simply to be \'fixed\' again.
--Through-out my life i always here \'no body\'s perfect\' and at times even \'nothing is perfect\'...--
Recently i took a few steps back to look at the world. In my perseption the world is perfect, for with out no downs there would be no ups... and with-out flaws to fix, and dreams to chase, life would be far less fullfilling. ^lets hope i state this last part in an understandable way^ This world/life is all im sure i have, what comes after is unsure to me... So with all things in this perspective, If this is all there is. How could it not be perfect...
I think that is the end of my opinions today.
well i guess i would also like to point out my captivation in the style JediBumblebee is useing in her journal entrys
2003 2 January :: 12.57 pm
:: Music: DMB - No Rain
'you and i've got something but its all and then its nothing to me'
1) If you could be instantly fluent in one other language that you currently do not read or speak, which would it be? Japinese, It would open job oportunities, and allow me to play untranslated games with ease.
2) If you could have the starring role in any film already made, what would it be?
Jim Hawkins from Treasure planet.
That would be just awsome.
3) If you could receive one small package this very moment, who would it be from and what would be in it? I would like some time to think about this one.
4) If you could own one painting from any collection in the world but were not able to sell it, which work of art would you select?
I dont know many of the famious ones. I suppose i would like the fuzzy poster holly colored with the puppies...(although its not a painting, its very cool)
5) If you were instantly able to play one musical instrument perfectly that you never have played before, what would it be? some sort of cool sounding guitar, I'm trying to start a band... although the piano is very buitiful sounding... *looks distressed* i suppose i would chose the piano.
6) If you could possess one supernatural ability, what would it be? passing through inanimate objects would be interesting and fun, but would ruin reality mentally. I suppose i would like to move as fast as Neo from the matrix. Time is so uncomprehensable, i dont think it would mess up to much.
7) If you had to choose the most valuable thing you ever learned what would it be?
I would say, learning how to make different people smile. although im still working on that one, some moods are nearly impossible to break.
8) If you could have only one piece of furniture in your house, what would it be?
an extra large bean bag. Multi purpose.
9) If you could read the private diary of someone you know personally, whose diary would it be?
If I know it is ment to be private, i dont think i would read it. Sorry.
10) If you could have one person you know as your slave for one month, who would it be? i dont think i would want a slave.
11) If you could choose the way you will die, how would you want it to happen?
firstly, i wouldnt want to know my choice, if i was forced to chose. Secoundly i wouldnt want to chose.
12) If you could wake up tomorrow to learn that the major newspaper headlines were about you, what would you want them to say? Brian celibrates his 140'th birthday, and has lived a very happy life, with his wife by his side. ( I just threw in the 140 so it could be a headline. But i dont want to live quite that long, unless im still perfectly healthy and happy, then i suppose it would be quite grand. but would not like to live forever, at least i dont think i would. It would lead to alot of bad things, such as either WAY over-population of the world, if everyone lives for ever. Or constant lab studies on me, if i am the only one. and watching all my freinds die of old age while i live forever, would suck.)
13) If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do? Start a business. and update my comp to WindowsXP
14) If you could choose the music at your funeral, what would it be, and who would play it? I'm Still Here, by the googooDolls i think, but i dont know who i would want to play it. I would hope its someone i dont know, at least i think that would be better on everone. Maybe its not even a good song because it may lead to denile, wich is supposed to be a bad thing.
15) If you could take away the vocal cords of any person, who would it be?
No one. at least not perminately.
16) If you had to describe your idea of the perfect mate, how would you do it?
Able to follow confusing pointless conversations (not nessisary but nice), someone who rarly critisizes people, someone who appreciates doors being open for her, but never demands it or looks like she expects it. Someone who likes who I am (most important), someone rather spontanious in the way they talk plus changing topics seemingly randomly is nice at times. I would like her to be beutiful. I would also like her to pay attention to me while im around. and be happy. Plus i would like her to socially challenge me to say everything just right. (The constant pull to do and say things better makes life seem more... like life), I would like her to spend a good amount of time with me, and to talk about her interests and back up her oppinions. Showing up unexspectedly cant hurt, and complements mean alot to me.
im sure theres more i would want, but really alot of it is not even important...^looks destressed, thats a tough question^
17) If you had to have a personal friend redecorate your house, who would you pick to do it? Holly, Im sure it would turn out pritty awsome.
18) If you had to choose the worst home you've ever lived in, which one was it?
Define lived in... I supose i like them all in there own way anyway, but if lived in includes just one day visits, it would change a few things, but i dont think i hated any place.
19) If you could have prevented one thing from happening between you and a friend, what would it have been? I would have stayed friends with Holly after she left arby's even though she upset me verbelly, and never returned my calls. (secound to that i would have avoided the foot picture incident.)
20) If you could learn the total number of hours you have spent in your life doing one thing, what would it be?
Reformating or devirusing my computer.
21) If you had to describe yourself as a child in one word, what would it be? Day-dreamer
2002 28 December :: 12.38 am
Whats wrong with playing video games, and understanding computers, and coming fully equiped with writing utencles?
I can still be cool!
Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.
2002 28 December :: 12.27 am
find your element
2002 27 December :: 11.32 pm
Take the What Type of Friend are
You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com.
2002 24 December :: 2.40 pm
:: Music: LifeHouse - Everything