2007 19 October :: 1.44 am
:: Mood: confused
My thought process.
How the heck can I like him?????????? Seriously. I'm a weirdo. I knew it wouldn't work out into anything in the beginning. I believed it, I knew it, I didn't let myself get too attatched... or so I thought. And now I'm jealous. I'm jealous of another girl even though I encouraged him... I was his friend... I was "happy" for him. I'm an idiot. But I still have to know nothing can happen. It would be too complicated, wouldn't it?? It would never work... I think. No, I know. I know it wouldn't work. But what if it did... what if it worked really well?? Because it could... maybe. No... no I'm just wishful thinking.
But what if it could? What if it was perfect? He's amazing. I know he is. He'd be worth the trouble. He's not even close to what I imagined would be my next 'guy'. He's different. Really different. And he has a brain... and isn't too dramatic. He's normal, he's cool, he's mature.... well usually. But it's never gonna' happen. We're never gonna' happen. I just need to get that through my head.
But if we did... oh man... it would be amazing...
1 wanted to dance. |
2007 26 July :: 8.46 pm
Josh and I are over forever, and most the time I'm okay with that. He was such a jerk in the end that I know I can do better... or I hope. But I still get upset when he wants other girls. like, gorgeous was what he always called me, it was our thing. But then he just called some random girl that he barely even talks to gorgeous... like it didn't mean a thing. i can't help being a little offended... and sad. i try to ignore him and i remind myself constantly how stupid he is, but sometimes i have an overwhelming feeling of sadness that i'll never hold him or kiss him or hear him say "i love you" again. i guess that's normal though. i'll get over it eventually. i just wish eventually would come sooner. it seems like i keep taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back though. i wish it could just all move forward instead. meh, i'm so sick of being sad and missing him... or us as the case may be. i just want to forget it all. i'm trying so hard to eliminate all memories, but i know i can't ever do that. he'll always be a guy i loved, whether or not he's a big dumb jerk. i hate breaking up, i hate feeling sad, and most of all i hate feeling like i did something so wrong. hmm... whatev. i just need to stop thinking about all of this and move on.
if only all that was as easy to do as it is to say!
1 wanted to dance. |
2007 22 June :: 5.48 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Random
UGH!!!!!!!! I'm pretty sure I'm right. I'm pretty sure he's just being controling and I don't need that. But I'm also pretty sure none of that is worth losing him. Not going to a damn club where it really isn't the safest, is not worth losing him. I'm not going for the guys, but after the recent incident I can see where he'd be nervous. I just want this whole day to be a lie, I want to go back in time and change everything. I don't want to lose him. I love him. We were just talking about marriage and when it would be appropriate for him to ask me "for real" like two days ago. This is so not fair. I don't want to live without him. I pray that this will not last. If I could just talk to him again, maybe I could apologize and make life better, but he won't answer and he's at work. I just don't know what to do. I'm going insane, seriously.
Ugh... maybe I have an idea. We'll see if it works. Probably not, but we'll see.
I'll let you know.
2007 3 June :: 8.05 pm
:: Mood: crushed
Sometimes I just want to kill some people, myself included. I'm sick of not being treated like an adult. Everyone thinks I need to be taken care of, but that's just not true. I can handle myself... trust me. I understand the concern for my wellbeing, that just shows love, but there's a line that needs to be drawn. I am 18 years old, I'm going to college in the fall, and I'm not going home every damn weekend to see my family. I want to stay and have the full experience, have some fun! I have a feeling that may be my first oppurtunity too, since the more I'm home this summer, the less I am allowed to do.
Ugh, I don't know. I just want to be a teenager, live life to the fullest while I still can. For real... why is that so wrong? Whatever... I'll live. I always do.
2006 20 December :: 10.53 pm
:: Mood: loved
I love Josh. I was talking to him tonight and he said "Come home baby... Please." and I knew if it was even close to possible I would have in an instant. He is my everything and I honestly believe I'm going to marry him. It never seemed logical before, it never sounded like fun or like a happy life. But I've been thinking about it and I can't wait to have that with him. To wake up next to him, to be with him all day, to have his support through hard times, to even do chores with him. I just can't wait to be with him forever. I haven't been this happy in... well, ever actually. He has completed me somehow. I am madly, deeply, and truly in love with Josh. I'm going to marry this kid, and nothing in this world will ever change that.
2006 18 December :: 8.47 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
I am confused. If he was in a state 3000 miles from me, and I said I would call, I would just call. I don't care what I was doing... especially if it was random homework that isn't due until after the break that hasn't even started yet!! So why isn't he calling me? Honestly. I'm overreacting and I know it... but I really miss him and I want to talk to him. And he thinks he's simple... no, he's more complicated than I am. Boys, ugh.
2006 30 November :: 10.16 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Nickelback -Follow You Home-
I am an idiot sometimes
How is it that the same day my boyfriend gives me a beautiful promise ring and tells me that he would give everything to be with me forever I can still be all jealous because he's talking to another girl? Because I'm stupid that's why. Jeezz, I need to get a clue and get over it. I will never be the only girl in his life, I'm just the most important and the only one he loves. Duh.
So why doesn't that make me feel any better?
5 wanted to dance. |
2006 18 November :: 12.54 am
:: Mood: peaceful
If I could have one wish right now, it would be to have Josh in my life forever. He is everything to me and more, and I hope that I never have to live without him. He means more to me than any guy has ever meant before. The way I feel when I'm around him is at least a hundred times greater than the feelings I've had around other guys. Josh is basically perfect. He and I don't really fight, although we do argue once in a while, we always always say sorry two seconds later, and usually we figure out who was really right too. We handle everything well, no need for all the drama. I love that about our relationship. I can be me with him, he doesn't expect me to be a certain way all the time. He listens to me, and I enjoy listening to him. He makes me happy just by being there. Even when I feel like complete crap he can make me feel better by just sitting next to me. I sleep the best when I'm with him. I feel the best when I'm with him. I am the happiest with him. Life is exactly how it should be and more with him. I hope that I can keep him forever and marry him, but if anything should keep that from happening, I at least hope that he is a part of my life in some way. The Marines may take him away for awhile, but they can never take him out of my heart. I love Josh, and I hope that I can someday make him feel as perfect and as loved as he has made me feel for the past 103 days. I don't care if what happens, I'm not giving him up without a fight! I love him... end of conversation.
2006 9 October :: 9.50 pm
:: Mood: crazy
No quiero hielo
No job, no tennis (after this week), no boyfriend (at least not to just hang out with), no powderpuff, no nothing. This is gonna' be a WAY boring winter. At least until B-Ball season comes along. And that'll only be fun if Josh can go. Hopefully his parents quit being retarted real soon. That would rock.
Anyway, I'm outy. Love ya'll. Chao hommies.
1 wanted to dance. |
2006 22 September :: 2.57 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
I am a fucking homecoming princess, and that would be WAY hott, except that I have no PRINCE!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!! Stupid parents. My parents are letting me go to Homecoming still, and to Red Flannel. HIS DON'T EVEN WANT HIM TO GO TO FUCKING PROM!!!!!!! NOT COOL!!
I'm so pissed right now, it's unbelievable! I should be happy, I should be freaking out and telling everyone, but I'm not! I'm MAD. I want to be with Josh, I would give up all this crap just to be with him. Screw homecoming, I was only excited because of him! I love dances, but I wanted to dance with HIM... that's it. No one else!!! Now I'm gonna' have a nice dress, a nice sash, and no date. Fun.
2006 21 September :: 7.52 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: 89.9 Way FM
I told my parents. I couldn't help it. I couldn't explain to them why Josh's parents didn't want us to go to homecoming without lying or telling them. And I am SO sick of lying. I'm sick of all of this. It's exhausting. Luckily my mom said that this feeling is punishment enough. She said it's easier to be punished by someone else than by yourself. That's what she likes about Steph and I, we punish ourselves before she even gets the chance.
My dad wasn't home when I told my mom, though. So I have to figure out what he'll say when they get home from the store. Josh scared me by saying that my parents were "there". I thought he meant his house, but he meant Meijer. I was FREAKIN' out! I do NOT want my parents and his parents to be talking about all this. I somehow think that'll make things worse. So yea, it was scary.
Anyway, I should go before they get home and freak out on me for being on here. Love you all. Hope to see you tomorrow, not dead.
1 wanted to dance. |
2006 19 September :: 9.06 pm
:: Mood: drained
Forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head.
So things were a bit better today. Josh had his car back. The notebook wasn't the one with the songs, his dad just wanted him to think it was. He had his phone back, and now he's just grounded. He went to taco bell with Ron after school and was SO excited. He said if his parents found out, though, he'd be shot. He still has to move out immediately upon turning 18. I don't get it. How can you be that terrible to your child. Especially after the crazy terrible mistakes you made? Honestly! It's just stupid!!
I didn't tell my parents. I couldn't do it. I kept thinking "they love me and are proud of me now... they won't be if/ when they find out." I guess Josh told his parents that I told mine though, and they made it sound like they'd talked to my parents already. But they haven't. They couldn't have, my parents would not be the type to wait for me to admit it. That flat out shoot me. I don't know what to think I guess. I just want everything to be back to normal. I almost stopped by his house on the way to work to say "hey" to Tyler (he was in the yard with Zeke), but then I realized I'm not allowed there at all anymore. So I waved as I passed, it sucked. It sucks that they've lost all respect and love for me. It sucks knowing that I lost what I'd just recently gained, and it sucks even more because it was over something stupid that I didn't need to do.
Ugh, I still shiver when I think about it. I can't stand the tone that his dad had, or the look of dissappointment on his face. I hate the scared and sad look in Josh's eyes. I hate the look he had when he was trying to pretend that everything was okay, when I knew nothing was. I hate remembering all of it, but I can't make it go away. This just sucks. I love him, and loving someone should not cause this many problems.
Anyway, I should jet. Love you guys. Thanks for the support, I really do appreciate it. You rock.
2006 6 September :: 9.39 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Acoustic #3
What's the point in all this screaming? No one's listening anyway.
Josh and I, ONE MONTH tomorrow. Seems longer, but shorter at the same time. It's weird. I like it though. I love him. I love the feeling when I see him for the first time of the day. And then the feeling everytime I see him after that. I love that we don't fight. Our first official argument was over him not going to the doctor. His wrist has been hurting him for a while now, but he refuses to see a doctor. He finally said he'd ask Julie (a nurse and family friend) about it. I agreed to that compromise. Anyway, the point is that I love him. I really can see this lasting. It's different than JD and I... it's more real. He makes me better, and I do the same for him. He's like my gaurdian angel or something. It's amazing.
Yep, pretty much awesome.
I should probably jet though. Can't go to sleep late anymore... not when I have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning. So check ya' later peeps.
Mucho amor a todos,
2006 1 September :: 10.16 pm
:: Mood: thankful
:: Music: Whose Line is it Anyway
In this river all shall fade to black...
Josh is perfect. He told me that if he ever found out someone made me cry he'd beat them. He said I have never and will never deserve that pain. He told me that I'm amazing, and that he never wants to leave me. We never fight, we never hurt eachother. We'd never do something stupid that we know the other would dislike. We love eachother. When he looks at me I know that he doesn't want anyone else, he just wants me. And he doesn't care that I'm a dork, and that I do stupid stuff. He just cares about me the way I am and wouldn't have it any other way. I like that a LOT! He is the jealous type, but he doesn't care that I'm friends with Cory. He even told me to keep a picture of Cory and I from prom, up in my room. Of course it is next to what will soon be a picture of Josh and I from Homecoming this year. Hmm... perfection.
So Josh's family is coming over on Sunday for a lunch/dinner. My Dad is making this thing called beer can chicken. Very redneck... but very good. When Josh told his dad about it he said "Oh, we're goin'!" I thought that was funny. His Mom's all nervous though, she said she's weird around new people. I doubt that though... she's SO outgoing. It would be odd to see her be shy. Anyway, I hope it all goes well. I think Rob and my dad will get along, but I'm not completely sure about the moms. They're a bit different than one another. We'll see I guess. If all goes as planned they'll be friends and be much more comfortable with Josh and I being together. ROCK ON!!
Anywho, I should get going now. Gotta' do absolutely nothing and wait for the fam. to get back home. Peace out home skillet. Love.
2006 30 August :: 12.09 pm
School starts in 6 days. 6. That's it. No more summer. Just one last year of high school. One last year in Cedar. One last year safe, secure, at home. One last year with the people I've known my whole life. One last chance to make lifelong friendships. One last chance to prove myself. One chance to make this the best year of my life so far. It's starting out okay. Hopefully it'll keep going. My goal is to have at least a 3.9 GPA this year. I want to graduate summa cum laude SO badly!!! You don't even know. And I'm retaking my ACT's, again, in February just to try to get a little bit higher. Right now I have a 27. This year is all about school. Luckily Josh feels the same. He said he's gonna' do all he can to get to bed by 9 o' clock every night just so he won't be tired at school. Plus he wants to get good grades, he wants to have a 4.0 in college for goodness sakes. The kid is crazier than me!! And I like that. Hopefully between my goals and him pushing me I'll get a 4.0 or higher this year. I have a 3.67 right now... so I have some work. But I can do it. Especially since my new thing is that I DON'T lose. Josh told me that one... and I like it.
Anyway, I should get going. Mucho amor a todos.