People, places, and things
Over the weekend, I hung out with Steve and this kid Ryan. He's only 15, but he seems like he's my age. We all took cough pills together Saturday and Sunday night, but it really didn't do anything for me, so I really am done with that shit, and thank God for it. Besides the fact that it's disgusting, there are better drugs out there when they're needed, and all the rest of the time, there's real, clean life, which is enough to give anyone a fucking mind trip. Anyway, I have a crush on Ryan, which I know is fucked up, but whatever. We probably would have had sex this weekend, but Steve was sort of in the way of that, which I don't really mind too much because I might have regretted it BIG TIME (even though I sincerely doubt that I would have regretted it). So maybe he and I will hang out alone some time, and maybe not. Who knows? Anyway, today I went for a walk and I ended up going the way of my old route and I spent some time at the Park. I was just swinging and listening to my music when all of a sudden it occurred to me; I was doing the EXACT same thing that I was doing FIVE YEARS ago. And then I started thinking about how since then, I had kind of gotten everything I wanted. Not everything, but a lot of things. A guy who wants to marry me and start a family with me, an older man who actually does want to sleep with me, and I've sort of become the person I've always wanted to be. And I started thinking about where getting all of these things had gotten me. NO WHERE!!! I ended up in a worse position than I ever had been before! So when they say be careful what you wish for, I guess they mean it. There's still one thing from high school that I REALLY REALLY want that I will never in a million years lay my hands on, but I'm sort of FINALLY coming to terms with that. It sucks, but what can I do? I guess that no matter how much I didn't want to believe it in my childish teenage stupor, he and I really never would have made sense as a couple. I think now we might, or we would make really good friends because I would totally poke fun at him and kick his ass (in a nice way) all the time, but some things just never will be, and everyone has to accept that. Anyhow, it was ironic that I realized all this while I was listening to the Cars song " It's All I Can Do " because one of the lines is " And once in a moment/ it all comes to you/ As soon as you get it/ You want something new " and that is TOTALLY how I was feeling. And there's another line from that song that I would like to dedicate to every man I have ever loved/ been infatuated with whatever the circumstances and that line is " When I was crazy/ I thought you were great. "

God damn it!
I know this sounds childish but NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR!!! I want to sleep with Steve's brother, and I think he wants to sleep with me, too, but I don't see any way it could happen unless Steve wasn't here or if he fell asleep or something. Steve has told me that he doesn't care what I do, just to please not sleep with his brother. But HOW TEMPTING IS THAT!?! First of all, since he told me not to, I TOTALLY want to, and second of all, how awesome would it be if I fucked a guy AND his brother!?! He's here till Tuesday, and then it's back to Florida :(. We were snuggling a bit earlier, which was nice. Ah well. We shall see we shall wee. But I'm tellin' ya'; whoever's had the chance to sleep with me and passed it up (especially older guys HINT HINT), totally does NOT know what they're missing!

Finally, life is going.....somewhere....?
Well, SO much fucked up shit has happened over the past few months. I don't even know where the fuck to begin. Well, right now, at this present moment (which could, of course, change as earlier as the next five minutes), life is actually sort of how I've always wanted it to be. Well, not really, but I am finally in a place where I can be happy about it if I want to or be depressed about it if I want to. I finally broke away from Steven, which is good except I feel really bad because he's a REALLY sweet guy and I know he loves me a lot. I love him a lot, too, but it just won't work right now. I also found out that I have bipolar disorder, so woot to that! I don't have a boyfriend anymore right now, but my God, I do NOT want a boyfriend right now. I have my Man Candy (friends with benefits), and that's all I need right now. The main person I fuck wouldn't be that great of a boyfriend anyway. I love him to death, don't get me wrong, and I would marry him in a heartbeat, but that's more for a constant companionship than anything else. I don't even WANT to get married. At least not at the moment. I do want to have kids, though. That's the most important thing to me. I don't give a fuck if I have a husband. As much as I love my boys and men in general, they are SO much more trouble than they're worth. ALL OF THEM!!! I mean, there is one I would actually marry for love, one I would marry for infatuation (Robert Smith from the Cure, who is the most beautiful man alive!), and the rest, I'll just fuck for fun. Or ignore completely. Jesus. I don't think I will ever understand life, love, or men, but whatever. As long as things are interesting, they don't even necessarily have to be fun. I think I'm growing up. It sucks and makes me a bit sick, but hey, at least I'm not a fucking teenager anymore. I really miss it. I mean, I never thought I would because I wanted to kill myself the whole time, but guess what? Now I'm twenty, a lot different(ish), and I STILL want to kill myself! Oh well. Life carries on no matter how much you don't want it to, so you might as well accept the fact that it sucks, move on, and just have as much fun as you can. I guess.

I should form a band called " The Disease "
Anyhow, I am back again for what probably appears as more bitching and whining, but is really my feeble attempt at self-expression. As with any journal entry I try to write these days, I never know where to begin. Well, for a while I've been in this God-awful funk that I can't seem to get out of no matter what I do. Everything in life (including the words I am writing right now) seems so fucking pointless. I was reading my psychology book from Quinsigamond (~laughs bitterly~), and I read a section about what's called the " Crisis of Question " which is a stage that people go through while developing. It said that during this stage, people frequently ask " Is this it? Is this what life is about?...........Seriously? " They begin to doubt their position in life, become dissatisfied in their marriages, and kill themselves. Well, suicide isn't really a part of it, but I thought I'd throw it in for dramatic effect. They may make career changes, pursue different hobbies, and test out different lifestyles to see if there is one that can make them feel like life isn't a waste of time, as the lifestyle they're living used to do. That is exactly what I am experiencing right now. Minus the career change because I don't have one, and changing the word " marriage " to " relationship. " It's not that I'm not happy with Steve, it's just that my love life seems like every other fucking thing does; pointless, gray, and dull. Anyway, the weird thing about me going through the " Crisis of Question " stage is that it doesn't usually hit until people are in their late thirties and early forties. I keep reminding myself of things that generally make people excited to be alive, but even those things I once dreamed of (having children, for example) just seem.....muted, in a way. I just don't care anymore. What's the point? I don't even feel much anymore. Well, that's not exactly true, but I don't get excited and I never get an adrenaline rush from anything anymore. One of the things I've realized is that I didn't really start feeling like this until I stopped doing drugs. I still get high once in a while, but not anywhere near as much as I used to. Which is good, but at the same time, it really sucks. I think that part of the reason nothing seems as good as it used to is that everything seemed so much better on drugs. I keep trying to tell myself that the longer I stay away from them, the better things will seem, but the fact that it's been months and nothing's changed kind of discourages me from actually pursuing that. It's like, I won't be feeling anything, I'll smoke pot or something, and then I'll feel great, but as soon as it wears off, I'm right back where I was and nothing seems worth anything anymore. I'm missing out on those natural highs where something exciting happens and I get an adrenaline rush. Life is like one big anticlimactic event after another. I'm afraid it'll stay like this. I don't want to fucking live like this. It doesn't help that ever since I finally left high school, the place I so despised while I was there, I've been wanting to go back. It was such an amazing safety bubble. It didn't prepare me for the real world at all. In that bubble, you can fuck up as many times as possible, and there's always something to fall back on. In the real world, a phrase I finally understand, if you fuck up, then that's it. You fucked up, and you're on your own to do what needs to be done to fix things. Know one knows how truly lucky they are to be there until they're out. It sucks. I really can't figure out how to begin my next subject. Let me start out by saying, I know someone who has a crush on someone who it is literally impossible to be with. This person gets upset because he/she feels it's pathetic. Well, if that person happens to read this, I have a message. You may think that's pathetic, but consider this.....well, hang on. Like you, I don't mention this to ANYONE anymore (and mean anyone- not Steve, not anyone who was around me while I was going through it before, and not even my therapist), because what more is there to say about it, and as far as " accomplishing " it goes, I'm as fucked as I ever was, if not more, and for the fact that although I think about it often, I'd rather not drag it to the fucking surface bringing with it an inevitable tornado of emotion that will surely push me towards suicide (again). Now that I am writing about it, I am starting to cry because....well, considering who you are, you'll understand why, and I needn't waste my time searching for an explanation. How pathetic/bad is it that even now, two years later, I still think about the person I was in love with for three years in high school? And not just in casual passing thought every once in a while, either. Just back then, it is many times a day every single fucking day. I don't want to say I haven't given up hope.....well, alright, I'll admit that I haven't, but I still have enough sense not to pursue it more than I already did because I'm sure the result would be frighteningly similar to those in the movie " The Crush. " You know; the one with Alicia Silverstone and Cary Elwes? But anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the place your heart takes you that makes you say, " Wow! Maybe suicide really IS a good idea!?! " Well, maybe you don't feel that way, and it's only through denial and surpression that I don't feel that way, but I know that thought is in my head somewhere. Anyway, that's all for right now. Peace.

A Piece Of My Hand Written Journal
I got back from a walk about twenty minutes ago. They say walking clears the mind, but it made my head spin more than ever. I was doing a little cleaning before that. I ripped up all of my tenth, eleventh, and twelfth grade erotica stories and used them as confetti. It was very fun and it made me feel better about hating my past life. I found my journalism folder, and I was going to look through it one last time before throwing it away, but then I got all sentimental and shit. So on my walk I was thinking that when I got home, I would just throw it away without opening it. But then I thought of how much more fun it would be to douse the thing is gasoline and light it on fire. Oh, the symbolism.

Fuck This
I am thinking I would rather kill myself than be here right now. Steve is going on a tour of Project Coffee in Oxford right now, so I'm stuck in the computer lab with his fucking sister who's been an annoying bitch all the way down here. Not that she can necessarily help it; that's how she is normally. If she's bitching at her parents over something stupid, she expects us to be all loving and comforting. But the fact is, no, she doesn't deserve it. Her mom took away her TV because she wasn't listening and she kept swearing at her, and of course, she thinks, as all young people do, that it's all her mom's fault and her parents are horrible for actually disciplining her instead of letting her get away with whatever she wants. I hate her muchly. She can be nice sometimes, but mostly she's just annoying. I can't wait till Steve and I get our own apartment so we can both be away from her. God damn it. Not to mention I'm pissed about a bunch of other stuff, too, but whatever.

My God
By " awake ", I mean awakened to my true destiny. Or some such shit. It has been SO long since I posted on here. The reason I've come back is because certain feelings never really disappear. I was thinking about that earlier while I was walking. I haven't been for a walk in a long time, either. What the hell was I thinking!?! It was tough(ish), but worth it. I had a revelation. Well, thinking about everything was making me crazy once again, and then this song came on (Kiss Me Deadly). It was like a sign. A good sign. It was amazing. I am still working at the day care. But I might be getting a new job, and I really hope I do. I start a summer course for college this month. That will be crazy. I hope my boyfriend doesn't mind if I sleep with one of my college professors while I'm there. I think that's something everyone should experience. Not really. I haven't changed one fucking bit. It's awesome! Woot! I'm done for now!

God damn it
I am SO stressed. I can hardly feel it, but oh, how I know it's there. Wouldn't you know it? I find someone I love who loves me back and he won't deal with it. I'm SO sick of waiting for people. That's my life. I went to the Park earlier. As much as I do like it, at the same time, I kind of want to blow the place up. Too many memories. I used to go there as a lil' kid, I remember shit from sixth grade, and a lot of SHIT from years after that. I capatalize " shit " because a lot of it sucked. But I realize, lately, when I'm listening to certain music, that I would give anything to feel the way I used to. About certain people, I guess, although I don't know why because that sucked, too. I guess it just sucked less because I could fantasize without REALLY believing that something might happen. Actually, I did believe it, but I was a moron. I still am, but in a different way. Anyhow, I've been thinking about high school a lot lately and I do miss it. I was lying in bed at like, six last night, and I felt like I was back in tenth grade. I knew I wasn't, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I think I had a dream about CW, that penguin bastard. I will go back some day and say hello. Probably some day soon. I feel like I'm living in a different world now, and even though I miss high school, I don't think I'd want to go back. I don't know what I think. I'm so emotionally fucked up lately because of drugs and a certain asshole that I love with all my fucking heart. FUCK!!! There doesn't seem to be a point to ANYTHING anymore! I fantasize about suicide often, but I can't do that. And it kills me that I can't do it. I have to leave for work in ten minutes, and that sucks, too. I need like, a day to not do anything. This weekend I'm not making any plans. Of course, when Friday, Saturday, and Sunday roll around, people might call, and I'll hang out with them. If I could just do nothing with someone else, that would be good. I hate being alone. Kind of. I'm alone now, and it sucks. Oh, and I watched " Welcome To The Dollhouse " earlier. If my life was a movie, that would be it. But only in terms of Heather Matarazzo and Brendan Sexton, Jr. Fuckers. Oh, and I recently saw " Fatal Attraction. " You know it's bad when you can relate to the character Glenn Close plays in that movie. I was never that bad, though. But I could see myself being that bad. Another reason to kill myself. Or just continue therapy, but whatever. And I hate the holidays. I am stressed out from Halloween, and I could go without Thanksgiving and Christmas this year as well. New Year's can stay because it's a great night to get drunk. And New Year's is funny because everyone makes a bunch of commitments that they fuck up within the next 48 hours. Fun! I'm out for now. I might be back later, but who gives a shit?

Broken heartedness and suicide
I am broken hearted once again and seriously contemplating suicide. I still don't know if I have the balls to do it, but I've never been this close to trying it before. I thought I was back with the literal love of my life, but he fucked me over again. I'd still take him back, and I love him more than I've ever loved another friend, teacher, boyfriend, etc. For the past six fucking years. I cut the shit out of myself last night, and I really wouldn't mind doing it again. I did get together with Thiago earlier which made me a lot happier for the time I was with him. But things are just so fucked up. I can't fucking take it anymore. I fucking need him. I'll probably write to him or something, which I always fucking do, but what the fuck ever. ::kills self:: I wish. I hate him because I love him, and I hate myself for letting myself get hurt ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!

Dear sweet Christ.
I've been devastated by crepes. They've ruined my life. But that's not important right now. I've been reading my hand written journals from tenth grade, and can I just say, God damn. I think I just found the sex story that my teachers read on here. Jesus. It's really not bad. The ending sucks, though. My endings always suck. But the point here, kids, is holy shit, that's funny! I was watching TV the other day and I heard this techno song and it reminded me of this really hot substitute that worked at the High School a few times who was REALLY awesome and who I got along really well with. I'll probably never see him again, and that is sad. But shit happens. I've live with it, and wonder what became of him for literally the rest of my life. I really miss CW. I have all summer, but now, reading in my journals about how I loved him and wanted to rape him and all this shit, well, I still feel that way. I haven't changed as much as I would like to think, but that's okay. I dated a lot of people in tenth grade. Well, three, but that's a lot for one school year. I miss some of the stuff that happened, but, as I told my father, I would rather kill myself than go back there because I do NOT want to relive everything that happened. No thanks. I'd end up killing myself, anyway. I miss Peter. I can't tell, though, if the pain has lessened or if I've just numbed myself to it. I've been really wanting a kid again. I keep having dreams about the kids at work. And speaking of dreams, last night I dreamt that I was dating this fat Spanish or black guy who thought my name was Emily because that's what I told him it was. I was also hanging out with Lisa, Bobby, and some other random people. Lisa and I were in this restaurant place waiting for a bus or something to come and take us on a tour to the High School. I think it might have also been a trip to go back in time and see what we were like. I ordered a certain meal, and they gave me a couple plates of food. While I was eating one of them, they would keep replacing the other one with something else. I was pissed. I was walking around looking at the rest of the place and this woman from work kept screaming at me so I kept screaming at her and we REALLY wanted to kill each other. She was apparently Bobby's mother. He kept helping me to try and get away from her. There was this one candy store or something where if you went inside, when you walked out, it transported you to a different part of the building which was in a different world. That happened to Bobby and I, and I was flipping out because we couldn't find the candy store to get back. He was trying to comfort me, and suggested we just look around to see if we could at least find something to do, and that we could look for the store later. I agreed and we got in line for some rollercoaster/ flume ride/ God knows what. Oh; but as we were walking up to buy tickets, I told him something like, " At least we're away from Lisa, now. Maybe she won't be able to find us when she comes looking for you. " He said, " Too late. " And gestured to the ticket counter. Lisa was there, and we all started talking about God knows what. So that was a very strange dream. I've been having a lot of dreams lately when someone's younger brother has to comfort me. Odd. Anyhow, I really should go to bed. I won't, but I'm leaving anyway. Fairwell. Who knows when I'll write again?

A very nice summer
This summer has been really great, surprisingly. Even though it took until August, I found my " summer love ", and hopefully we'll last through the other seasons as well, and I kissed him for the first time last night. I'm so happy I could really scream right now. Then I had this really weird dream where I was going to have sex with this guy who was a combination of my love and one of the parents at work, and the parent is REALLY cute, but it makes me want to vomit just the same. But that's okay. It feels really weird not going back to high school, but if I'd stayed there another year, I really might have killed myself. Now I'm free to do what I choose to do. I'm an adult (at least legally), and I'm free of school. I'll go back to visit, of course. Those poor teachers will NEVER be free of me! Mwa-ha-ha! Anyway, yeah. This summer was really good. I enjoyed it muchly.