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2005 4 January :: 10.24 pm
wtf.
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2004 4 September :: 12.18 am
"The Spirit Carries On"
Dream Theater
Nicholas:
Where did we come from?
Why are we here?
Where do we go when we die?
What lies beyond
And what lay before?
Is anything certain in life?
They say, life is too short,
The here and the now
And you’re only given one shot
But could there be more,
Have I lived before,
Or could this be all that we’ve got?
If I die tomorrow
I’d be all right
Because I believe
That after we’re gone
The spirit carries on
I used to be frightened of dying
I used to think death was the end
But that was before
I’m not scared anymore
I know that my soul will transcend
I may never find all the answers
I may never understand why
I may never prove
What I know to be true
But I know that I still have to try
If I die tomorrow
I’d be all right
Because I believe
That after we’re gone
The spirit carries on
Victoria:
Move on, be brave
Don’t weep at my grave
Because I am no longer here
But please never let
Your memory of me disappear
Nicholas:
Safe in the light that surrounds me
Free of the fear and the pain
My questioning mind
Has helped me to find
The meaning in my life again
Victoria’s real
I finally feel
At peace with the girl in my dreams
And now that I’m here
It’s perfectly clear
I found out what all of this means
If I die tomorrow
I’d be all right
Because I believe
That after we’re gone
The spirit carries on
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2004 2 September :: 10.32 pm
Closing credits
"I am the Highway"
Audioslave
Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel
(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel
(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
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2004 27 August :: 1.23 am
Don't want to feel like this anymore.
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2004 16 August :: 12.23 am
:: Mood: indescribable
How the hell do you choose, out of everything you own—all the things that you've saved in your life, every meaningful object that represents a moment and experience that defines you, all your memories, the good, the bad, and everything in between—which things you should keep, and which you should just...let go?
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2004 11 August :: 2.26 am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: gave up on music
You ever get that feeling, like somebody's stepping on your stomach? It's not an indigestion thing, and it's not an illness thing. It's deeper than that. It's not a sharp pain, and it doesn't vary in intensity. It's just this dull ache that has no physical reason for being there and won't go away. You can know how or why it begins, but you never know how it's going to end.
You can be thinking about everything, or you can be thinking about nothing at all. You can be home listening to music or out trying to have fun with friends. The feeling is still there. It gets harder to laugh, to smile, to perform even the basic tasks required to live, such as eating and breathing. And when you hope nobody is looking, you show it in your face, because you can't possibly hide it all the time.
You wake up, and somehow, before you're even aware of why there would ever be a rock in the pit of your stomach, your old friend is back. You ache, and you sigh, and finally you remember at least a little bit of the something or someone that you continually torture yourself over. And you wonder if it's ever going to stop, and if today will be better, and if there's some way you can just go back to sleep for a while. But it's hard enough to fall asleep at all, let alone during the daytime. So you face the day, you get through it, you hope not too many people notice, you hope you can get to sleep, because everything else sure as hell doesn't help.
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2004 5 August :: 1.37 am
The Common Good
Read this very carefully. I know that very few people actually see this journal. That is why I implore you to tell your friends, your boyfriends, your girlfriends, what I am telling you. I mean that. This is not to complain, this is not to get attention, this is for the common good. If people want to speculate, conjecture, surmise, call it what you will, at least do it out in the open, so it can be cleared up. I also suggest that if people want to draw conclusions and make inferences about anything at all, they need to do it in their heads and not think out loud so much. Whatever happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? This may seem like common sense, or it may seem like idealist nonsense, but either way, I believe it can be done if you simply spread the word. I trust you. That is all.
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2004 7 July :: 12.48 am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: still Audioslave
I wish I could be found
As lost boys always do.
I walk the hallowed ground
To see there’s nothing new.
As Never Land’s in bloom,
An absence at my feet.
My shadow only looms
In lamps that line the street.
A sad silhouette in the night—
If only it were another man’s.
I wish it would take flight
And dance like Peter Pan’s.
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2004 13 June :: 6.43 pm
:: Music: "The Silent Man" -Dream Theater
For all the times...
For all the lonely walks
For all the bothered looks
For all the stomach knots
For all the thoughtful nights
For all the late, sleepless hours
For all the fallen grades
For all the skipped meals
For all the pounds that were lost
For all the new belt holes
For all the bloody, bruised, scarred knuckles
For all the dents in the wall
For all the best friends that used to be
For all the solitary basketball games in the rain
For all the many lonely walks
For all the aimless driving
For all the howling songs
For all the sad poetry
For those tears I didn’t know I was even able to shed…
I am leaving on the 4th of September.
-Kevin
4 comments |
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2004 26 May :: 12.18 am
:: Mood: not applicable
I don't know. Take from it what you will.
Whatever of it is left.
No fitting place to start.
Of humor and wit bereft.
I miss the times when I
Thought not of what I miss,
When I didn’t have to try
For some small amount of bliss.
When “empty” just meant space,
Not lying awake at night.
No hope do I embrace.
No will have I to fight.
A smile was something more
Than saying I’m ok.
I had things to smile for;
I wanted to face the day.
Every time I dance
With feeling incomplete,
There’s always the slightest chance
Fulfillment and I will meet.
But now I’ve reached the point,
This void can never leave.
How truth can disappoint.
Those moments you can’t retrieve.
And the future that unrolls,
Be it happy, be it sad,
Can only fill the holes
You never knew you had.
Words from the heart—
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2004 12 May :: 10.30 pm
last entry?
Take a stand
Bite the hand
That feeds you every day
Reprimand
Things you planned
That block your every way
Understand
My demand
And say what you will say
Make it grand
Nothing bland
And make me want to stay
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2004 29 March :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: Ben Folds Five
Just got back from Iowa and visiting my brother. He has an apartment on campus that he shares with a few friends. They're nice guys, went to VHHS. So I hung out with my brother saturday and sunday, and Killinger was there, too, for those who remember him. He's still awesome, only now he lives in California. He came to dinner with me and my family. That was a good time. Later I got to see some more restaurants, stores (Best Buy), and apartments, meet lots of people, and see some old friends. I got back to the apartment between 2 and 3 sunday morning, and I was pretty tired. I fell asleep, and when I woke up a couple hours later, my brother had gone back out. So I took Jeff's blanket and a spot on the couch and I retired for the night.
I woke up sunday morning, my dad and sister came and got me, and we all went to breakfast at 2 pm. There's nothing like a little french toast early in the afternoon. The ride back was long (4 hours long, to be exact), and it rained the whole time, but my dad and i talked and listened to music, so it was ok. He was out of town all last week, so before this weekend I hadn't seen him for a while. It'll probably be some time before I see him again, and a long time before I see my brother again. Hanging out with him was really good. He's a lot like me, but taller, darker, significantly heavier, and displaying that classic laid back college attitude. Everytime we see each other, we just pick up right where we left off. It's nice when conversations come so easily. It's also nice to relax, unwind, take a shower, etc., when you come back home. I guess now that list includes writing in your journal, too.
-Wender
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2004 25 March :: 1.20 am
The girl whom everyone knew,
Reflected for all to view.
When no one was there,
With no one to care,
She broke her mirror in two.
-Wender
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2004 20 March :: 7.20 pm
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
-REM
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2004 18 March :: 10.33 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
hmm.
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