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Stay OUT of here RICHARD!!!!

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:: 2005 9 May :: 9.56 am
:: Mood: fine/at school
:: Music: Crossfade

Well dad can't have sugar and mom can't have salt (sodium). ... all that money I got from paychecks is GONE! I'm BROKE! But I have ACT fees to pay for and proactiv... but anyway bell rang. So I gotta go!

Close the World |

:: 2005 2 May :: 11.04 pm
:: Mood: cold/tired/fine

Well, parents found out about... the fight.. mom is mad and dad is upset i lied to him... my sister told on me... brat.. i really can't trust her now can i? ....... but anyway... ... mom has really highblood pressure and is gonna have a stroke (quote unquote) .. so i have to stop yelling blah blah.. but anyway on the brighter side I've been reading Fruits Basket and watching the DVD's (you gotta love younger kids with money) and i Love it... I also am getting my paycheck at beeson's tomorrow ($30) plus my tips for the day (10-20$) so I'll be raking in like 45-50+$ so... I'm happy. And Wednesday I get my paycheck of oh say around 120$ and... I work at beeson's that night so that is my tips too so another 10 or 15$... so... that's 120 + 15 + 15 + 30 = what? Did you say around 180? Good job... so yeah, i am way happy since i still have i think like 40 or 50 bucks in my checking account ^^...

... my stomach is killing me...too much sugar... ...
... umm... .

... had and EOY biology test today (end of the year) ... and i enjoyed it... it's so easy.. just reading graphs... man all that studying for nothing. Unfortunitly tomorrow is the history eoy test... i have a bad feeling that i'm gonna bomb it... -_-' i never pay attention in class... i don't even know what year WW|| was or anything ^^',\ horrible right?

Well, time to... i guess... go...

.... i'm talking to javier again.. he never remembers anything. He wanted me to know that he wasn't mad at me.. and i told him why i was upset with him but he told me that it was my fault because i mad him mad that night (saturday, fight) and... ... well anyway he is childish... really... i can't believe he wouldn't worry over being mad...

I bought me a purse... ^^ it has cherries on it and they are smiling or surprised :D it's really cool! Javier hates it but i said fuck him to his face... i'm tired of him.. i'm tired of this school.. and really tired of my brother...

... i've been tring just to drink flavored water... no sugar... i kinda like drinking water... my stomach doesn't hurt as much i've noticed and i drink more... so that is really good... less sugar (controlled) gives you more energy too..

I've thought of a good yoai story .... it involves a pizza place n.n ... yeah i know...

but anyway... blah blah....

I hit my knot on the back of my head on the edge of the counter today... so now it's even longer -.-' i felt like an idiot.. damn did it burn too..

.. my mouth is too dirty.. and people are beginning to speak about it...

.... jahreee were are you? trey? ....

thank you hiei, i still think about all of you every day!

Close the World |

:: 2005 25 April :: 9.27 am
:: Mood: head hurts/fine
:: Music: so far away- crossfade

Well, a few people know about the fight saturday night... ... well ... that night... i told him on the phone he was lazy right? .. well sunday i was up around 12:00 ... (i gone to bed at 3:00 am ) ... .. i ate and went to the store in the truck, dad said i could.. it's only like 5 blocks away.. well anyway.. remembre me saying there was this cute mexican boy named joseph (a different one) that lives down the street from me and has just the cutiest smile? well.... his dad works on cars and he was at the store.. well anyway he started to talk to me and i told him that i wanted a mustang gt 5.0.. and he wrote it down and said he would look around for me.. well when his dad left and i was left to get me some juice (for my dad and i) i heard someone run into the chips around the corner and i tiptoed and looked over the isle and found out that joseph was walking to the counter.. in other words he was easedropping on his dad and i talking lmao he is so cute.. but yeah. (the juice was exp: Jan, 2003, so i took it bad and had no trouble)
But anyway.... I was putting on my makeup Sunday.. around... 2:something (i work at 4 at the pizza place) and... javier and christian came in (i had the door cracked with music playing in my room so i could hear it) .. well... javier and christain came and got my brother to play basket ball and left.. javier didn't even say hi, bye or ask how i was.... ... so... fuck it.. i'm tired of this bullshit.. he is fucked up.. he has something wrong with him and you can't change someone who doesn't want to.... he never tries.. he's lazy.

Holding on is harder than it seems,
when you're reaching for so much more
Seems so much easier to just give in
when you're reaching for so much more

.... The Deep End- Crossfade....

.... .. i don't know .. i'm at school so.... time to go to neopets....

... i don't want to be alone... but oh well.

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2005 24 April :: 12.32 am
:: Mood: hurt/scared/cold/tired

... I got in a fight.

Fucking.. Javier's aunt (josephs mom, not really his aunt) thought i was wanting her man, his name is Aaron. I never met the guy except for tonight... man... she wanted some indian ink so i gave javier mine to give to her.. and the tatoo gun my brother made for javier is over there too... but aaron was supposed to give javi a tatoo.. and... well anyway i just told a friend so here it is what i told him :

BudaFalL87: i got in a fight
BudaFalL87: like at... 11
HIM: about what and with whom
Buda: with this woman.. i was at the apartments... indian housing.. and ... this guy named aaron was supposed to give my "guy"friend a tatoo, javier, and he was drawing and .. his woman, these people like in their mid or late 30's.. she thought i was hitting on him, she was drinking.. and before i was gonna leave, he was drawing a picture for me since i brought over some art supplies, i said i might come get it tomorrow because he wanted me to have it and i had to leave before he was done with it... and.. javier
Buda: was in the bathroom and... this girl named patina was at her house (she was gonna walk home with me and javier and his brother christian) so.. it was just me christian her and aaron... so... she fucking got up, grabbed me by the neck and threw me back on the couch.. her grabbing my neck didn't hurt and i thought the couch wouldn't hurt either but the couch is really thin and my head hit the wood and.. i passed out... and her and her man aaron got in a fist fight... and... man.. i was the only white girl..
Bud: i should of known better... i ain't fucking with indians no more.. they are lazy fucking bastards.. all of them
HIM: wow you seem really upset lol
Buda but they got her off me.. i was gonna hit the couch and push her off with my feet but.. i didn't know i was gonna hit my head.... but.. i didn't do anything to her.. she's always been nice with me because i'm friends with her boy.. ... and... she just.. was drunk.. so i didn't go after her...
Buda: i have a huge knot on the back of my head. I can't put my head back without a really sharp pain... i'm afraid to sleep...
Bud: ait's not bleeding it's just swelling alot.. it's like three inches horizontal and... like an inch and a half virtical and.. like probably an half inch think.. or so.. i don't know.. i took three tyneol and.... fucking i'm dizzy and shit...

But yeah.. javier got back and... christian is the one that got her off me.. she is weak.. she didn't even hold me hard.. or push too hard.. i just hit the couch bad lmao.. that is fucked up.. my head is killing me.. i can't touch it at all... ... i'm afraid to sleep because it's all swollen... my parents don't know.. but anyway.. she tried comming after me again so i went outside and javier and christian came because that lady's mama came in and was wondering what the hell was going on.. .. but... javier was apologizing so much.. he had some to drink too he was buzzed.. i wasn't buzzed, not even close... i only had a few sips.. but... he left me to go pee and i got hurt... he is always leaving me.. walking away.. me walking after him... he's hanging up on me... to when he called.. i called him lazy... and that i won't ever get with him... i'm tired of this.. i'm tried of fucking dumbasses that are lazy... i want someone to take care of me .... he does but he is lazy... he can't prove shit...

... but anyway.. i really wanted to talk to trey tonight..... it says your on trey.. but you won't respond.. you need to stop falling asleep on the keyboard... i got to work tomorrow... .. but...

... i'm really hurt... with javier i mean.. i really like aaron.. he draws great... been in prision for 15 years... straight and.. fucking people are out looking for him.. they are the only indians i know that lock their door... .. but i don't know if i should sleep yet or not... ... i think i'll call the hospital... ... and ask them what i should do...

.. that would be smart..

... i'm straving...

...i guess i'll go... ...

.... .... i'm ... i don't want to be alone.. but... i can't rush to find someone... ... fuck brook.. fuck javier untill he shows me he is responsible and can take care of himself and his family... and... damn.. just fuck guys period...

Close the World |

:: 2005 18 April :: 2.10 pm
:: Mood: fine/stomach hurts
:: Music: crossfade-CD

Yo, I guess it does work. I know I haven't updated... just.. so much. I made a fool of myself Saturday night. Friday night i went to my first real party I guess you could say (since I got real close to drunk). At Anton's house. Saturday was another one, same place, block away.... well... i sat down on someones drink.. then left because i got pissed at javier because he went there when i was at lenka's and... he was just... not even gonna care about me. Friday he wouldn't leave me and i was falling all over the place and I was really happy that he stayed with me.... at my house we were gonna have sex.. just as friends.. i made him say to me 'just as friends' but then i broke down crying.. damn... i cried alot... i was out of it. You know that Breaking Benjamin song, Firefly? Firefly have you lost your light now i hate your ways cause they're just like mine? Well.. i always thought of brook when i heard it.. but never really could understand him because i wasn't like that and never got as bad with drinking like him... but friday he was only on my mind... that and how much i've hurt javier. But anyway saturday was aweful.. i made a fool of myself.. i walked 5 blocks to javier's house... alone with alcohol on my breath... smart huh? I was supposed to be home at 12 and it was only like 10:something. ... I just sat down in his house w/his mama there... ... and went to his brothers room and he left his room, christian.. he didn't want to be near me... so anyway i hear (after awhile) the front door slam open and here runs javier to me and yell's where have I been..... (he said he would never leave me but i left anton's house saturday by myself and ... it was a good 30 minutes atleast before he decided to find me.... of course i was calling johnathin on a girls cell asking him to come out to see me but that's besides the point! he told CC that I was stalking him! bastard! he said he didn't say that, he said what he said was that when he goes to see my brother i pull him out of the room and make him go to my room.. like that sounds better than stalking him! >_< moron... i was pissed) but... anyway mom and dad was looking for me. Mom was in the truck with javier and.. they came to get me at his house.. papa was on the proch... what it was was that once i left the party, the people were making fun of me and javier got pissed at what they were saying and so he went to my house and i wasn't there so mom freaked, called anton's, threated to call the cops... great right? called lenka's then came to find me... i didn't say a word... and mom went inside the house with papa and me and javier stayed outside but i wouldn't talk to him and he held my arms tight so i couldn't walk away and kept asking what was wrong with me.... i just couldn't talk ... i didn't want to ... but... anyway... i ending up laying in the grass and he came too me.. i talked and talked and he didn't say a word and he got pissed, hit our wooded fence, busted up his knuckles ran off, i ran afte rhim, he kept fighting me so i tripped him and pinned him to the ground...... ... he says i don't care but i do.. he got up again and was going to anton's house.. and... i went after him once again and told him to stop walking way from me that i care about him too... i made him realize that he doesn't care about school his family and stuff like that.. and... well.. jsut me.... he needs to fix that shit.... ... but anyway... i told him i'm tired of having to chase after him... so..... Sunday i went to town with papa,... then went to work and didn't hear a word from javier... he is too much trouble for me.. too much.. (oh, i took him inside Saturday night and bandaged his wounds, jerk) so... he was there when i got home from work.. and he came in my room at 11:00 and asked for a hug and i asked why.... but i told him if he wanted one i'd give him one but... that he was too much trouble fo rme.. i can't take care of him and run my life and take care of myself too... he doesn't think about all i do.. he doesn't respect me... not truly.. he is just growing up as am i... I got another job.. making pizza... i work from 4 to 10:00... i have 2 jobs and i get maybe 2 days off a week... i do alot... damnit and.. he just .. wants attention attention attention .... ... oh well.. i haven't talked to him today yet.. and that is fine with me.... i have to study hard from now on... ....
i played DDR with two 7th graders... they are cool.. fun.. anime freaks... game freaks... reminds me of me when i was their age... ha ha... so they are cool, their mama's are cool too.. we should be starting a fan-manga of inu yasha i'm sure with our own twisted characters.... they draw pretty damn good... aslong as they are looking at something.. which is the same as me but when they just draw freehand then it still looks okay.
I like my second job.... i miss takling with my friend in TN and... Hiei... I do think bout you guys. ..... I'm at school so I don't feel safe writing here... but that's okay since i need to update...
... i need a friend...and i think i really don't have any here... i'm beginning to hate this place more and more.. i have no money saved up and mom got hurt and can't work at her job... workman's comp wouldn't take her case but finnaly after what like 3 months they are taking it so... she will hoepully get back pay and treatment...
.... well time to play on neopets..
i love you hiei and yusuke... and jahreee.... love you guys... please... please email me..... .. please.... i miss you all....;_; ... i really do...

... ... later.... till next time.

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2005 18 April :: 2.09 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: crossfade-CD

does this work anymore? someone email me please

Close the World |

:: 2005 21 February :: 10.08 am
:: Mood: fine

Boy does writing in this thing feel weird.... I've heard Brook has been calling people saying he's in Tulsa.. good for him. As for me, I get no call from him and I'm not really sure if I want one.
I have fishies now, not doing the best job of taking care of them but 2 are still alive and Javier loves animals so he knows about fishies.
As for me and Jaiver...things have taken a different turn. We are now together... he hasn't asked me out yet but.. last night he told me, as his voice was cracking because of his tears, "Buda...... I'm sorry...... ........ ... .. but I love you... " I love him to but I just don't know which way yet... He always dedicates that Mario song "let me love you" and I asked him how he'd love me and he says he's still trying to figure that out.
We've had unpretected sex a couple of times (I know I don't learn) and I'm comming off my period so that is good, no baby. And I've found out. that Jaiver is WAY WAY MORE expericenced in that catagory than I... he's had 4 partners and he gave me their name, age, and how many times he's done it with them.... then he cried afterward because I said I just didn't want to be like them other girls... he did it when he was 13 and a half years old.. damn! You guys are fucked up. And he's always had an older girl.
He's changed.. he'll do anything for me. I"m having troble at work now.. did I say I got a bank account now? Had $400 in there but I'm sure I have none now... No car for me.. and mom can't help me out with her taxes because she doesn't have a job now and workman's comp she ain't gonna have either.. I don't have time for her story.
Anyway.. Javier comes to my job and helps me clean up everynight now.. and he is over everynight and I cooked while his brother was over, Christian (him, Javier and my brother were playing Halo 2) and Christian loved my food so he is nicer to me now ^^',\ Javi was my Valentine and he was mine and... it's been fun... but I'm bored now with writing so toodles and I forgot tons already... my e-mail only had 11 e-mails in it, and I haven't been on for a month! lol damn I am so loved right? Since all those e-mails were just subscriptions. Ya'll need to check out


1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2005 21 January :: 9.16 am
:: Mood: fine

well I'm at school right now... boy have I not done this in a while. I'm just afraind someone will stumble along this so i'm tring to passward everything but, like hiei, I'm fucking lost at how andy redid all this shit. Well, Jaiver and I have had plenty of talks... I told javier that I couldn't have a boyfriend, not after Brook, that I just really didn't want one anymore.. I snuck out of my house at 11:47 and went to his house.... stayed untill 3:20 or so.... I got locked out of the house (dad lets the dogs out and he locked the door) and so I had to wake up my brother to get in. it was fine. but we talked alot that night and when we fool around things are getting too fucking hott... He told me that he was trying to forget.. and I asked him what, and I was thinking about this girl, well it turns out this girl, his old girlfriend for 1/2 a year told him he was worthless and would never be good enough for anyone, i told him she was lieing... I told him... that he wasn't a stoner, not an alcoholic, not stupid, not ugly, and not useless. he cried.. really hard... that was in my rom. But when I was at his house he told me that he was trying to forget so I thought it was gonna be about that girl.. but he said no.. he was trying to forget what he wanted... me as a girlfriend.. do you know how much that hurt me? ... he is such a friend and he said he wants a girlfriend to forget her and hav esomeone really care about him and accept him on the inside. .... I do love him but only as a friend, a brother... someone close... ... I'm sorry but that's all I can do.
since then I was hoping things would cool between us but he still is over EVERY night and... well.. we can't stop fooling around.. lastnight I told him he doesn't carry anything with him.. and then i asked if he knew what I meant.. he said yes.. and then he said 'but I can' in other words he's gonna start carring a condom with him I guess.. gahh.. damnit what am I doing?
lenka had a fight with her host family so hopefully she'll be comming to live with me! ha ha right? oh well it'd be really cool.

Hopefully mom'll get her taxes (W2 form) in soon so she can help me get that car because they keep borrowing money from me... so mom said she'd help me try and get the car...

... I don't feel safe writing at school....

If you fucking read this anyone from school... then you better let me know you little shit...

... Jahreee where are you? Yusuke? Hiei? ... anyone?

Close the World |

:: 2005 14 January :: 2.43 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Marilyn Manson

Dammmn I haven't updated in a long ass time shit. I'm laughing right now damn. Well, for starters 2 days after I heard about that thing with Brook, he called. Yeah he called me of course when Javier was over. He was saying that he heard I was looking for him and this and that and I really didn't say anything I told him I wasn't looking for him however.. but next time he calls, I'm gonna say I ain't playing a game no more and hang up on his fucking ass, damn. I am way off the Brook subject.
Javier now, he is over EVERY night, EVERY night, d-d-damn. I mean for real but it's strange without him here... he got sick, I took care of him at my house, till 10:30 of course, and he got me sick, somehow dad got sick. Dad can't get sick. He has liver cancer, cmo, hepititus c, all kinds of shit and because of his meds he takes his immune system sucks, he's gets sick easily and even a cold can kill him. Okay this was All like Monday, and Tuesday mom took him to the ER because he was coughing up blood (we found out just cause like either it was his throat all dry and scratchy or a blood cell in his lung popped, nothing big) and I went home around well before lunch at like 12. Was there until 5, I called Javier who was home sick and I called him from a payphone at the hospital because they wouldn't let me back in dad's room yet untill he was strapped in in such, he was also having chest pains. I was crying on the phone with Javier he was about to get a ride down there to be with me.. he is really sweet.. everytime he makes fun of me or I pout he'll kiss me on the forehead and hug me tightly... and at school this week he came up and gave me a hug in the hallway... awww. It was sweet. Well, turns out dad has a lung infection. I came home after my tests 1st and 3rd hour yesterday to take care of dad cause mom had to work. Today I stayed home to take care of him and Javier was home sick and came over around 11 and Lenka walked to my house during lunch to see me. How nice. She was surprised Javier was there. I forgot we had a fieldtrip today xD I'm so stupid, why skip on a fieldtrip day? It happens all the time when I deside to skip, ha ha. Shit that sucks. But anyway mom took dad to the VA I think in DDR town to get his bloodpressure taken. Something. His coughing's horrible. Javier has an aweful cough too. No fever here for me. Oh and when I was sick and I stayed at javier's house, I fell asleep in his arms... he rubbed my back, my head, he was just too sweet, kissing my forehead and asking me if I wanted a cold rag... aww. He said he liked how I took care of him when he was sick. But yeah. Long time ago Dad's feet swelled and his Doctor gave him more bloodpressure meds, because my dad has high bloodpresure. Well, it turns out that dad was taking 3 pills when he should of been taking 2, meaning his bloodpressure was way too low and it made him tired and stuff.. mean. lol yeah, so I don't know I just hope everyone gets better.
School's alright, I was really pissed when I got my report cards >_< missed all A's by getting an 89 in algebra 2...

Javier is all nice .. right.. and.. sweet.. but.. I don't know.. sometimes.. it's like... when I'm with him.. it feels.. weird, like wrong. I think I'm still asexual but.. I dunno sometimes I can get a little freaky..

Javier's met Jahsem and Lenka met him too. They both like him. Javier is short lol way short compaired to Jahsem... lol.

With Javier .. it's fun wresling with him, it's fun playing Halo 2 with him, Bubble Bobble with him, ... this is all friendly stuff... ... maybe that's all I want him as.....

... I'm so confused and dad getting sick has sucked away my money, I couldn't go to work Tuesday and I didn't work again till Friday which is today and... My money... my car... I don't think I'm gonna have it by Febuary 14 like Tonna wants....

My face is looking better, that proacti and then some kind of face lotion stuff that is making my face soft.. well..

I don't know....

No one write me.
No one calls me.
No one coomments.

... damn where has my life shifted?

Close the World |

:: 2005 1 January :: 12.56 pm
:: Mood: nice
:: Music: Korn

... Happy New Years to everyone.. Javier says I talk seriously too much... Thursday Charles... said to me "I'm not sure if I should tell you this or not. Might make you sad, or gald, I don't know"... I got it out of him, he said "well, your ex is dead. Got shot in the back of the head at a A-town's bar" (A-town = name of town (code name)) ... he looked serious... ... it sure as hell stopped the little hop in my step for that day... this town is west of here around 30-45 minutes.
I told my mother about that.. in the car.. and thing is she said that she read about a shoting in that same town at a bar weeks ago, that a man also got killed there it didn't give his name... I called all the people in bulldog town that i knew, everyone is trying to find out if it's true... but no one knows anything.. I called Amy and Daniel... I talked to Daniel and he said that no one can find out anymore information.. Before all this calling people I asked Javier about it.. he knew about it but never told me! He first heard from a guy up at the school who asked him if he knew anything about a shotting.... he said no.. then at a party a few days later at Creig's house, Jaiver said a indian guy was stareing at him then asked him about Brook... so.. he Knew about it and never told me.. that really hurts me. Daniel was saying that the person who ever found his body found a little black brook (which he does have) with a note that wrote: If I die, these are the people I want contacted- ... and Stormy's mother, (carrie's mother aswell, that girl at gasmart that Brook worked with) was one of the people contacted... now Daniel also said it could just be a bunch of bullshit someone just started.. and I think I'd go for that because if Brook really did die it'd be in the paper and someone would of surely told me.. they just would have to.. right? I'm thinking it's a load of shit that Brook himself probably started... now Jaiver said that he heard Brook was at the bar that night... that's all he knew.. so he says... if Jaiver isn't telling me things anymore then I don't know if I trust him.. Brook always carried around that little pouch that had those 3 stones in them... the ones his mother gave him.. if that wasn't found on his body then.. it has to be just a bunch of talk.. because brook would of wanted someone to have those i'm sure of it. What is also strange is that that day at work.. the phone rang.. and stopped.. just rang once... then awhile after it rang again and I quickly picked it up.. no one was there... so a while after .. it rang again.. I waited and it rang second time.. and i picked it up... someone was there but they didn't say any words... all I could hear was moving every now and then and breathing.. the sounds were like papers or something.. ... Javier said it wasn't him and I don't know who else is fucking with me..
I was told this all could be a test... from Brook wanting to know if I still care about him... I do.. but.. I love him and hate him at the same time.. the first thing out of my mouth once Charles told me was 'oh well, it's not my problem".. he sure was watching my expression closely aswell too.. I dont' know.. I really don't know...
I've asked Jaiver for Don's number.. Brook's brother in law.. he has it.. but.. I just don't know about him... I really don't. I'm tired of bullshitting and I'm pushing Javier just like I pushed Brook, and I told him lastnight "i'm pushing you alot I know but that's what I do, I push untill you break and go away"... like Brook did. I didn't say anything about Brook though. .... I just.. I'm tired of fucking around with him... he tries so so hard to talk to me.. it hurts him that he can't talk with me ..but I told him the reason I stay with him.. is because I want to break his shell because I think it needs to be broke and someone needs to do it.
... I don't think Brook is dead.. he told me that.. if I looked up and still saw stars that he would be around... My mother, once we got home (she picked me up from work), we went through all the papers at the house we had... she said she wished it wasn't him .. for me; however, I don't know.. he was never there and .. if he is dead than... what would change?....
It's weird when people die for me... it's like.. they are just in another town under a different name and can't see who they used to associate with because it would break whatever was keeping them there and they'd go away for real.. I believe in reincarnation...
.. I don't know...

... ... Maybe I just dream too much

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 29 December :: 11.55 pm
:: Mood: fine bit tired

Did nothing for christmas, Javier came over and I really can't even remember. Christmas eve got an art case from Mrs. Brown and then Javier got me a pillow duck from wal mart and then his mama got me some candy.. no tree, no lights... just me.
Don't know if I've said this before but Brook is still on my mind... I don't like it either.... at wal mart with javier and anton... there was this baby infront of us, her mama said her name was Brook... funny huh? then a few days ago at the cafe some lady's son was a libra and I was wondering if his birthday was in sept like mine, she said not.. Oct. 19 was his birthday... he was 24... Brook is 21 and that is the same birthday as his... .. ..
I might.. well. I was afraid of this... Javier... I think....I think I've really been playing with him.. I don't know I'm so fucked up in the head I just need to leave the guys alone. I think I'm looking for a friend not a boyfriend because. i don't know.. I can kiss him but... i ... don't want to get all hot with him anymore...
Tonna is selling a Mercury Tracer, 86, white for $900, it's gonna be my car. Nice and new on the inside and everything works but one seatbelt so.. yep.. I'm gonna learn how to drive standard and get a lisence and yep ... mine.
... drank lastnight with javier and threw the bottles at the church bell.. the bottles are broken and stuck on the roof because neither of us could throw worth two fucking cents.

A car... I can't wait.. it needs a bodykit.. despretly.. but.. yeah..

Got my first $12.50 tip today.. 4 guys.. Jakeeta was talking to them then stood by the cashresgester as they checked out so she is the one who really got me the tip... how nice ^^ really nice ^^!

.. Been playing Halo 2 with Javier and my brother.. that and Guilty Gear .. love that game! It's in Japanese! Haven't been learning much Japanese.. School be starting up soon.. great...

... I .. don't know don't feel like typing anymore.. I don't get on much anymore do I?

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 26 December :: 1.58 pm
:: Mood: fine/bit tired

I have no clue what I'm doing with this boy... I got him hooked on me... I ... god I can't believe I'm writing this but I made him come and I have that boy crawling all over me.. but I wrote him a letter... and... in my code... and... I taught it to him and it took him an hour and like 20 minutes to decode it and read it and I had fallen asleep behind him on my bed... when I woke up .. the look on his face... I couldn't believe it.. but he is comming over here in a bit so I'll write about it later... This was... not a week ago.. but.. mom took him home and he cried on her shoulder.. I was on the phone with his mother and she said they weren't back yet and it'd already had been 10 minutes if not more and it is only a minute drive... I told her to check outside and sure enough they were talking but Javier was crying and she yelled at my mother "what did you say to my boy! No one makes him cry!" and she was bout to kill my mama .. I was scared... but I hung up because Javier started yelling and... mom got home and I was crying and she took me over there. Things between our mom's have cooled.. but.. he .. was balling... I hurt him so badly.. He says I'm the only girl that's ever listened to him even his family doesn't talk to him like I do... since then... when I kiss him.. it feels different.. when I hug him.. it's tighter with more feeling... since then I can't stop thinking about him.
I apologized to him that night and.. it's alright now... we talk.. I really try and talk to him.. and he said he hates himself that he can't just say to me what he's thinking.. it's so hard for him.. it's even harder for me to be patient... I ended up crying more then him one night when I started talking about Ashley and Lenka and how I don't have many friends I like.. or care about.
There is more.. I don't know why I haven't been on this internet .. I really haven't had anytime to myself.. he's been over here 24/7 .. I'm dead serious.. The other day Anton took me and Javi into town and Javi wouldn't let my hand go.. he'd kiss me ever now and then on the back of the head, cheek, hold me.. hug me.. I couldn't believe him... He's.. too sweet...
Lastnight he stayed... for hours... like half the day.. in my room.. ... he feel asleep and I just watched him a bit and let him sleep ...
Brook isn't out of my head but I can't stand the fact that I still think of him...
Jaiver... is too nice and.... I just really dont' know what to do with him...

.. .but he is comming over and what should be 30minutes so I need to put on my face... ...

... ..

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 15 December :: 11.10 pm
:: Mood: fine/bit tired

Javier and I have become more comfortable..

like.. 3 days ago we was in my room and I can kiss him and he'll mimick me.. I suck on his tongue and he started to do the same for mine... I like it.. like training lol... I'll touch him and he'll touch me. I'll stop then he will so I like maybe rub his shoulder again and he'll rub my back.. it's kinda.. bad but also good... it's fustrating I can sure as hell tell ya that. But... I was laying on my bed and he finally began to slowly get ontop of me... I encuraged him by rubbing his back and gently pushing on me. So I finnaly got him ontop of me.... it got pretty hot.. (I remember now, it was Sunday) ... okay it was hot.. he was fucking hard (I know you don't want to know but sorry) and I felt bad that I was hurting him but he said that no, he was fine. Time ran short and it was time for him to go home but since that night he just can't stay away from me. Monday night came and he was on me again. Thing is his hands stay on the bed or... maybe touch my hips but he just ... is a dead stick unless I tie my string to him. It's cute though... Lastnight.. Tuesday night... I had written him a note at school, asking him what did he truly want... about his life, what was important to him.. and it really got to him.. so at my house he came over drunk and I talked to him the entire time.. for more than an hour... ... told him about how someone told me (Jonathin) that the people who sit around and do nothing all day and don't have jobs, and smoke, give smokers bad names so.. ... I told him that and... that I really didn't have a reason to drink.. and that I used to think people who used drugs were weak and still am uncertin about it... I told him that right not the most important thing was my education and Japanese and my family and stuff.. and.. that boys are not included in it.... ... but.. there was alot said.. and I kept asking him if he wanted me to just shut up but he thanked me instead... saying that it was deathly close to what his uncle told him a few years ago... And I mean it. I didn't touch him... just held his hand.. his alcohol had worn off... so... yeah... ... It was time for him to go, so he said goodnight and kissed me... I pulled him down.. I want to kiss that boy so bad... damnit.. and he has a hunger for me now too.. I can always feel the tension with him.. sometimes when I kiss him, I pull away and his mouth'll just follow me... I tease him.. I love it. But ... I stood and we kissed and he finnaly left.. and today.. he really thanked me.. he said thanks for talking to him and explaining it... ..
Then today.. school was fine.. Javier is nicer now.. comes up to me now.. it's nice... ... Javier also wrote me.. that he needs to stop smoking, either that or hang with a better crowd.. I think I really got to him... he listens... I'm glad.. He said he's really gonna try to get what he wants and try to play basketball.. .. went into town after school with Antony, Javier, Lenka and me.. Anton drove. ... went to the mall played some DDR, kicked Anthony's ass and Javier was too chicken to play me... umm shopped around.. got me a Nike shirt at CHAMPS and bought Javier's mother a doll and my mother one too, an Indian doll. Tomorrow is Christain's birthday, so Jaiver bought him an AND1 ball, I helped pay for it. Got Anton an eyebrowl ring.. umm bought some chips and we went to BigLots after the mall then Wal Mart. It was nice. In Wal Mart and the mall and BigLots.. Javier was all over me, holding my hand, hugging me all kinds of stuff. We were gone for five hours.. it was nice. Lenka bought presents for her family too.. it is nice. Went to Javi's to hide my present for mom... Jaiver took the first chance to kiss me on his couch... by the way he was breathing I could tell he was getting worked up.. he ripped the bottem of my toungue I think it was Monday night maybe Sunday.. so he doesn't suck as hard, which is good... damnit.. he was touching my neck tonight too and gripping my hair.. I .. there is just something about him, he wants me bad... I love it.. I have a control over him.. it's odd but nice...

Can't wait till I spend time with him tomorrow (spent all of Sunday with him, from 10-12) I work all week (x-cept 2day)

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 8 December :: 11.48 pm
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: My Boo

Well, went to a school this morning, a college course school on a field trip. Javier came. We road in the bus in the back together .. sat with each other.. rode back with each other.. yeah.. Laura was the only other one around my age that went. ... School was fine. We are making Ginger Bread houses in Geometry.. Work was alright.. umm.. got some Rum Spice in my room.. I had some and chuged it down, almost made me puke. Got my Proactiv free Trail shit today.. i just got threw using it.. my face feels dry.. ..
Monday ... I passed out. I haven't had anything to drink, as far as alcohol goes, since.. that night Nichole mixed me that drink. But, Monday, I was late for school, got to work and was just zooming around staying busy and then got home and went to Javier and he came over and then we took him home at like 11 and I talked to him on the phone till 12 and then fell asleep. I tried to stay awake since I had school work.. but I woke up around 1:00 and forced my self up to shower. Went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, my head hurt a bit, and then went back to my room and fell back asleep. The fire alarm went off because of the shower so I jumped up, grabbed my nearest book, and went into the hallway to fan the alarm off. You know how if you get up too fast your head hurts and you get dizzy? Well, my head started to hurt and I leaned up against the wall after the alarm quit and .. just.. got really dizzy, shut my eyes and was out. From what my mother said, I slid down the wall to the floor. I heard my mother yell "she's having a seizer" and it woke me up. I was so dizzy, everything was moving in and out and my head hurt real bad and my body just got so hot and my face, arms, and legs were numb. How does your face get numb? I didn't know where I was. Mom was yelling and running around, saying to take me to the doctor, I said "no" I could bearly talk. .. but.. It was strange.. I couldn't move. My legs were wet noodles and my arms felt so heavy and my face was all tingly. I stayed on the floor for atleast 10 minutes. I just couldn't move. But I finnaly made it to the couch and my brother got me some ham and a drink of juice and made me eat. I was surprised he took care of me with both my parents there. Mom was in shock, it scared the shit out of her. Dad was just.. bitching because none of us eat right here.. there is no food.. at all. Mom said that I slid down the wall and my eyes were wide open, not blinking and my arms came up and I started to shake. I don't remember any of it. Dad is hyper glacymic and my grandmother on my mother's side was dyabedic and my mother contracted dyabeties durning preganacy with me so i could have dyabeties. Mom said she was afraid I was about to go into a dyabetci coma..... yeah. So.. yeah.. My arms were so weak. Tuesday I couldn't even hold a tray. My arms were so weak, my legs too. Today I was alright but I'm still feeling a bit weird, I can't hold anything for too long.
Javier is more bold in his kissing now. Monday he was reallllly high. I mean... He opened his mouth and you could smell it.. god for some reason it smelt good to me (I also smoked a cigerate at work Monday) .. but he was just hanging all over me.. bad lol I liked it though but I told him, warned him "if you pass out on me, just once, that will be the end. I had enough of that with Brook".. and he remembered it Tuesday. But yeah, man lastnight we was on my bed laying down and he fucking.. lets just say I could feel his "sexual tension" lmao but .. I need to be careful because Javier really cares about me. He's worried about me, since I passed out, and doesn't let guys bully me or anything. Tonight he wanted to lay down on me and he did. He was a bit high. And.. I was just.. ... I know so many of his spots and hit them all and ... he just shivered and reached for my lips.... .. .. .. I wish he'd touch me though.. it's just kissing ... and.. his hands.. tonight went to my neck and head so.. he is getting there. .... .. but.. He's huge.. so much bigger than brook. I have to watch where my legs go because I don't want to offend him and trust me it's hard. He's so heavy too! His arms are like a ton a piece! So he's always holding himself up... sigh.... I need to get to bed ealier... like now.. but I have homework so I'm screwed.
Dad says I turn into a pumpkin at 10 so.. that means I have to come home or they have to leave at 10. Javi's mom says 10:15 now... Oh well, works out well enough.

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:: 2004 5 December :: 5.04 pm
:: Mood: fine

I have some free time so I thought why not the hell update? Javier is over just about everyday, he's maybe only missed 3 or 4. My room is clean so now he goes in my room with me, I just cleaned it 2 days ago I think. Joseph had come with Javier and fell sleep on my bed, woke up twice coughing like hell, fucking all the weed he smokes, spit up shit all over my pillows... yeah disgusting, I turned to Jaiver and yelled at him "you let him smoke when he's like this!" I was pissed. It was 12:45 and they had to go. I painted Joseph's nails and ear with silver nail-polish and woke him up. I changed my clock to 5:45 and he really believed it was that early when he woke up lol it was funny. He just woke up said geeze rubbing his head and walked to the bathroom like it was his house! But we drove them home that night. Now that same night before hand, I walked up to the school (this was Friday) because I wanted to get Jaiver and say hi to Lenka because there was a b-ball game going on. I see them outside and walk inside with the, Joseph and Javier. Said hi to Lenka and on the way out... a old brown car drove by and honked.. it was Don and Sunshine, Brook's half sister and brother-in-law. Don said hi to Jaiver and Sunshine was just walking away only waiting for Don.. I said what's up and they did too.. they seemed not to want to talk to me.. I asked them "so have you heard form him?" don said every once in awhile. ... yeah.. (eailer that day Javier and Joseph came over while I was cleaning my room and had a bag of weed with them, boy I fucking kicked them out of my yard and at the game Jaiver still had the bag and... he gave it to Joseph and I told Joseph he wasn't comming over with that. So he stayed at the game. On the way to my house, me and Javi walking, I fucking yelled at him again. Saying never, NEVER bring that shit in my yard again or bring someone who has it on them in my yard. I told him that if he is smoking it or if we are somewhere and they start passing it around, to never offer it to me, NEVER. That even people in Bulldog town pass it over me. He didn't like being leatured but his fault. Got home and just laid around till Joseph got there, then yeah, ya know.
Yesterday mom, dad and I went to town and went to Simons then Walls then to eat at the Chinese resturant with Beybey and then to Country Mart and home. Went to Javier's house around 7 when we got back and his mom said he was at Joseph's, spending the night. So we drive by there and he and Christain are playing basket ball, well Christian is and Javi is laying down on the ground. He comes up to the car and bums a ride to his house to go get an electirc heater because that house has no propane. His mom wouldn't let him have it because she thought I'd cause a fire so yeah, he had to eat there then he said he'd walk to my house. Joseph said he had to be back by 11. So blah blah time goes and it's like 9 something (he is already over) and we are just laying on my bed watching TV. Joseph came over and said they had to be back by 10. Yeah, so it was fishy because he said 10:20 then 10:30 and then 10:45 and then 10 till 10 and just blah blah so Yeah they left at ten and Jaiver and him came back after "begging" joseph's mother to come back over. Played Mancala with Joseph and Speed and then a dice game called Phrase 10, which neither understood, and yeah.. time was up so we went outside since they had to be back at 11. Javier hugged me and Joseph said that he didn't need me, that he had other bitches to do shit for me then he said he didn't call me a bitch that he was talking about other girls, boy I stepped down my steps and slapped his face and told him not to talk about girls like that. I got pissed and walked past javier and slamed the door. Went to my room and watched Ghost in the Shell on CN. I was just watching TV and completly forgot about being upset and around 12 mom yelled at me saying someone was at the door, I thought she was joshing me. So I went to the door and it was Javier. I was wondering why he was by himself. He said he came back because he didn't want me to fall asleep angry. How sweet. Damn.. I think he really cares. So we went to my room and just watched the anime and this and that and then I ate me some soup and mom came in and asked Javier when he had to go home, he said that Joseph's mother didn't say when. So mom said "oooh so you spent the night over there knowing she wouldn't care how late you stayed over here and you know your mother doesn't want you out this late so that's why you stayed the night with that cusion of yours" xD I never thought about that! Mom was right too! Lmao dork. But boy did he light up like rouldolph xD lmao he was caught! We teased him, saying we was gonna tell his mama. But he stayed till.. 2 something I think.. or close to two.. I dunno. But yeah... nothing.. just under my black light I lifted up my shirt a bit to show him my stomach and his eyes windened "damn, you indian" and lol i let my shirt go and he leaned towards me and lifted my shirt up again to see, lol i slapped his hand. XD he wistled xD lmao at me! ha ha. It was awesome. But yeah.. took him home and he gave me two kisses in the truck, little pecks and went. Later that night fucking dogs got into it around 3 and dad broke them up but in the process he got his arm torn up by G-man. .... like 9 puncure wounds... I scrubbed his arm with alcohol lol bet it hurt, oh well. . bandaged it up with an ace and had to claw things so I used hair clips... -_- I wanted to kill those dogs... I still do. ... I didn't go to bed till 6. Got a call this moring at like 8-9 asking for me to go into work at 11 XD lmao grreat right? But I did... it was alright. I was in the kitchen and Charles just came up behind me and hugged me.. caring like too.. it was so sweet lol I love playing with him. Playing with a man who knows what the hell he's doing... I hadn't talked to javier at all.. work was fine.. like $17 in tips.. we closed at 2 like always on Sundays.. ... I drove home.. umm.. mom said Javi had come over and he said he'd be right back.. and like 30 minutes or more pass and he comes again and I'm sitting on the couch eating and watching the 5th eliment. He came in and sat and i took his cigerates out of his pocket and threw them on the table and then there was a knock at the door after around 15 minutes (i told javi what happened last night with teh dogs and dad and he said he'd never let me doctor him lol, dad said i did a good job!) I yelled "go home!" thinking it was Joseph. I went to the door and found out it wasn't Joseph, it was Christian and his mama's car in the road. Christian said that mama wanted him to go get a hair cut and buy new jeans. He didn't want to go, he ran out to the car to talk to his mama and wanted to stay but she said no lol what a dork. I told him just to go. ... but Javier wanted to stay with me... aww.. So.. he said he'd be back when they got back.. so yeah.. that was like and hour ago or more I dunno and yep.. I gotta go pee and.. I'm bored..
Nichole owes me for covering for her so tomorrow night I might be able to bribe her to take me home... ha ha .. drinks.. damnit.. I just.. want alcohol.. I want to chug some down till I'm stumbling.. I've had 3 at one time.. made me a bit sick but.. 4 is comming up next.

Bacardi Silver

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:: 2004 25 November :: 1.01 am
:: Mood: fine
:: Music: Nelly, Tim- and it's all in my head, play it over and over again

Well, lots and lots have gone on... me and Javi.. did I ever say I kissed him? Mr. French style? Well, I've had a couple of times. Boy he is little virgin boy... worse then Brook was.

But I .. there has been so much going on that.. I just.. it's gets too much to write..

How about an outline?
A-Javier and I see each other pretty much every night
B-Still drinking
C-Found a school I'm applying for for my Jr. And Senior years.
*D-Brook called me...

Yep still drinking.. there is a school in OKC I'm gonna apply for... I'll probably not get accepted but.. it'd be cool to be a finalist..

Brook had called.. Saturday night.. Javier was over at the time.. I went outsdie to talk to Brook.. he got so jealous.. he seemed drunk. Mom made me get off the phone.. poor javier once I got inside he went dead quite and refused to look at me for the longest time..
But I don't want to go into detail too much right now. He had called twice was javi was there and then called me when i got home from javier's.. i went out to the truck and talked to him for an hour, when his phone died. He first sang some linkin park songs, one sorry then I"m done with you i dont' need you so I dont know. But he.. was yelling and .. whatever, it was 1:00 when i got off the phone, rmeember his is saturday night. ... I took a shower and was out at 3:20 and this is in the AM too... and I had a feeling that he would call again so.. i kept the phone with me and at 3:40 he called and i said that it was his mistake, he had me when he had me that was his chance and he blew it so we are friends and that's it, hung up on him and he called me back, 'well believe what you want to believe and that's all i'm gonna say, just believe what you want to believe' and hung up on ME. Then he called me back again and we talked till the phone died which wasn't but a few minutes. He tried to tell me first that the house and car he has now was my surprise, it was all for me and shit and how he likes his new life and how he doesn't need me but then wanted me to come and wants me to have a better life with him when he's thinking i hate it here.. that's partly my fault .. always sayingf i hate this place.. it feels like home now ya'know?
But.. then the 6th time he called, his last call, he all said he loved me and blah blah. But I"m done with him.. Javier is his cusion in law and he said i'm going out with him .. and brook was saying that car driving by me and watching me was creig... i dunno.. but i'm tired...
today jaiver came over.. this morning then i had to work at 10 and then tonight i went over there and bout feel asleep and we kissed in the truck but at his house he touched my face on his own, i was surprised..

... it's strange... i.. tonight.. i felt.. like.. i didn't like him and needed to stop but then... i do like him .. but what as?

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 19 November :: 1.58 am
:: Mood: fine/tired
:: Music: some beach- blake shelton

Well, .. Kyle is supposed to be making me a tattooing gun aswell. Kyle's girl acts about like me lol. Yesterday was fun. I don't remember if I typed it so I'll type it again. I went to Javi's and watched Kyle get his tattoo on his back finished and then his KDB on his leg done. They wanted me to draw drips on the Old English letters.. then his girl wanted me to making something of her playboy bunny aswell... but I couldn't think of anything on the spot. Javier wasn't allowed to go to OKC on that fieldtrip.. turns out he did steal stuff the idiot, like a bag of chips or something. But nothing big.
Stayed over, it rained all day. I got over there at 4 and didn't get home till 9. Tickled him till he was sweating so he went and sat outside and I sat on him out there.. we were out there for probably at tleast an hour. .. It was nice.. the rain .. he was warm... it was nice. Went back inside on the couch and I just wanted to kiss his neck so damn much.. but I didn't. Dad came to get me so at the door I kissed him on his cheek and he looked at me like 'wha?' and cocked his head so I kissed his other cheek, then he looked at me like I was crazy. I was holding a waterbottle and I went to the door went back to him and pecked him on the cheek again and dropped my whater, my que to leave. So I did. He was laughing at me.
Today.. Jakeeta broke her foot and Jon got fired yesterday, there short and sweet enough for ya Hiei? (I just got through typing my 1,101 word essay, thats' why it's so late/early) (oops that Justin dude who wanted me to date him came by again too. Talked for like an hour and a half. When he left he's like 'well did you give any thought to what we talked about last time?' and I said 'yeah.. sort of .. i'm kinda .. seeing someone right now' and he said.. okay that it wasn't the end of the world, sorry bud )But .. Charles.. I was.. just.. blah.. well Nichole went and bought me some Barcadi Silver Raz and.. I downed one.. and then.. another.. yeah.. I get buzzed easily... and.. she had to go take the money so she left us.. and.. I went back there and hug me baby lol and he wanted to kiss me I pulled away and he grunted like damnit lol he wants to but if I pull away he will to. And then he grabed my ass because I was pulling the back of his hair and I don't know.. alcohol makes me want to be in someone's arms, and everytime I drink, it makes me hate Brook even more. Charles was really sweet to me. In short we kinda kissed on and off.. I kept not wanting to but did anyway and.. yep..
Brought 2 drinks home for Javier and talked to him on the phone at work right after I downed them so I was just zoned out. But yeah, got home and had homework on my mind but I just wanted Javier's touch so bad. (I made him walk with me to the store today at lunch and then sit with me during this bulling cimanar)So I called him and I couldn't go anywhere because it was nine but he could come over so he did. ... I met him in the road and he's like 'gahh you drunk, I can smell it on your breath' I was freaking out. I showed him were I threw the drinks over the fence and now in the morning I have to go get them so my mom doesn't see them... yeah... But I hugged him right when I saw him... freaked him out he didn't do anything... god I really dont' want to scare him off.. why am I drinking? It's a weird feeling. But he came inside and I was all slouching on him. In short, later one, mom was on the computer, dad watching TV, lights out, glow of the TV screen and CPU screen... my back was across his chest my head under his chin by his neck, my left arm across his chest playing with his face my right hand wherever his right hand was. He tickled me at first.. on my neck next... and then.. found my spot... Brook found it before.. always kissed me there... Javier's tune changed once he found out he wasn't tickling me anymore. Could it of been the fact that everytime he did that my lips inched towards his? God my face got so damn close to his and I kept it there... I love making him nervious... all his facial hair.. soft and fuzzy ^^ ha ha but yeah... god did it feel good. I put my hand uptop his and kept him doing that... he was nervous as hell thouhg I could tell. (I also held his had during that assembly thing and he moved his fingers, rubbed my hand a bit! Yes basic I know! But big step for him) I nibbled on his hair just below his lip then pressed my lips on his and he just didn't move lol I was like 'oh god, damnit.. fuck.. dont' tell me he isn't going to kiss me' lmao but yeah he was like frozen lmao.. but i got him to turn my way and it didn't take long but i know he has no clue what he is doing lol but... i got to taste him finally ha ha ha xD god and 11 o'clock rolled so fast that damnit it left me hanging i wanted more of that boy damnit xD ha ha we had to take him home though. So at his house i gave his mom some beef stew and went to the kitchen with javier who was putting it up in the fridge and... he came up to me and leaned down and i kissed him a bit... just a bit.. and... walked to the door kissed him again... >.> pulled on his lip and boy it was like tugging a lease, he came down to me lol and he took in a sharp breath and i did to and said softly 'tomorrow' and left, about slamming the door behind me lol damnit... .... grrr... I want to attack him lol.

OH and btw I loved the way charles grabbed me. He grabbed my ass and picked me up and twirled me around lol it was fun. I have fun with him but... damnit he wants to fuck me, he even said so.

.... mmmm Bambie.

Close the World |

:: 2004 17 November :: 12.12 pm
:: Mood: fine/bit tired
:: Music: My Boo-it started when we were younger you were mine, my boo...

Well, Javier just left. Someone wrote BK all over the floors in our school.. Christain I believe. Blood killers and another thing on the wall, Pyroo, which is a ... Blood gang.. anyway a cop came to school and talked to Javier because he is a suspect. that was just the other day. Alot has happened I haven't filled in... Went to Javier's and finnaly tasted Corona.. Light though... nasty.. smelted great though.. umm today at work got a guys number, some white rich dude who just baught a house in DDR town.. remember me talking about him? And yeah he asked me out for Friday night but oh well I said I was busy... with my hair but also with Javier... him and Drew and I are supposed to be going skating maybe... Yesterday at work I got Nichole to go buy me some drinks... Bahama mama, some pinnapple drink.. it was segnata's or something.. I dont' remember.. but it was alright, drank 1 and a half at work and it got me quited down lol charles had some too.. he sucked on my neck for like a spilt second, I swear if he gives me a hicky i'll kill him. But he kissed me again that night and i pulled away and he said Ooo like damnit stop teasing.. and again that night too i think.. i don't know.. it was fun.. but.. then tonight... got my hug... always getting my hug.. and he always goes for my neck and nips me.. yeah.. umm .. Javier.. I called him and he asked what i wanted because he was giving kyle, the black one, a tattoo... I said i wanted him to come over "oh, let me finish this up and I'll be right over okay?" I said okay and an hour later ... no show then 20 more minutes i give up and shut the door. But I thought since it was a tattoo it'd take a long time so whatever but then there was a knock at the door.. yep. It was him so he came in, wet. It's been raining 24 all day for the past 2 days.. foggy as hell at night.. it's strange but i love the weather, so does charles.. he's cool, I like charles. But I put his sweater in the dryer and he was sweating, he sat down on the couch and i just sat next to him and he put his hand on my knee.. aww.. lol but yeah.. just whatever.... did a cross word... then he tickled my knee, i warned him, and i freaked and first elbowed him in the mouth then he tickled my back with his chin and i hit him again and then later i elbowed him again and the other day at his house i kneed him in the forehead lol and we broke their love seat lol ha ha i pushed him and he put his arm on it and his weight just broke the wood lol but you can't tell from the outside ^^'
listened to music on tv.. he was quite and different tonight.. smelled like kill too... (weed) but yeah.. it ws fun... he came over at like 10:30, and he said he could stay for an hour.. so... 11:30 mom and i drive him home and he gives me a hug like always but this time gets in the car and hugs me with two hands.. awww... that was werid... but he calls me and I find out he's high lol.. pisses me off.. ... .. well.. he put in a game and i was just ranting aout something then stopped becaus ei was done with my story and he was playing a game and then he said 'talk' and i was like 'i'm done talking' ... and he just said talk and i didn't have anything to say.. ... and.. it .. reminded me of.. when.. i talked to brook.. how he was 'in the zone'.... ... javier was talking to the tv.. ... i just was about to cry.. i told him i talk to him tomorrow at school.. he said okay.. i said goodnight and he sai dbye... i couldn't talk to him anymore.. i just couldn't.
tomorrow is a fieldtrip to OKC... humanities class and the art class... well.. javier had no money so today after school when i called him on the phone before work i said for him to come over since i brought a drink home i'd give it to him and give him a 5 for tomorrow.. .. he came with chris... they downed the drink and i gave him 10$ and told him to buy me something from there... .. shit.. i dont' know..
I'm growing fond of him but.. shit.. i don't want another brook...

... i have too much work to do.. in school.

What other shit has been going on? Hell if i know... too much.. i can't even remember..

Alcohol.. .. i'm just downing shit.... god... oh.. .. ah nevermind.. nevermind the nevermind i'll go ahead and tell, javi came over like last week brought a drink, threw it under the surburbine.. did i already tell ya this? But anyway because he was going in side my house and then he left it there because we gave him a ride home and later that night i was with lenka and i got the drink and drank it on the way to her house. it was a twist drink.. those new ones.. it was rasberry... yum .

.. i think chalres got me sick again...
.. i dont' know it's weird..

.. oh saw risa too.. i know 30 characters... and.. have like .. 20-25 more to learn from what she gave me. She said i'm catching on quicker then her 6 year old brother. lol she cooked curry too... it was alright.. she looked like she was about to cry when i wasn't eating it... oh well.

.. but yeah.. my grades are dropping so are my hours at work...

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 13 November :: 12.17 pm
:: Mood: tired/sick/tired

There was a school dance today.. Brook Brook Brook on my mind. Last night Nichole bought me some Barcardi Silver and I drove home a bit then she drived. I hide them one by one in the tall grass in our backyard field. ... today.. Javier walked me home... .. I picked one up, stuffed it in my bag, got inside and went to town with my father. Drove home and went late to the game. .. Lenka was Queen candidate... for the Juniors.. ... I drunk a drink on the way there... just before Lenka was to do whatever, like 20 minutes or so I was gonna walk with Jaiver to my house to get another drink then come back to see her... Justin was there... (Bethany was also at the homecomming game and they heard, her and her friend Jenny, Jose's old girlfriend, that he got beat up with a bunch of beer cans and had to leave town, but anyway ) Justin was there and said all Hi baby and to cut it short he gave us a ride there... to my house.. ... got a drink and downed it, stuck the bottles in some trees and walked back.. I was so buzzed already, I had to go pee so bad and after lenka walked, i went and bought feel down when i went to sit down on the pot man.. i was fucking buzzed... I .. I couldn't believe it... 2 bottles... .... I .. Brook.. the ENTIRE night he was on my fucking mind... I couldn't believe he liked feeling this way.. stayed and lenka could tell i was buzzin... walked her to her house and got ready for the home comming dance.. she wanted me to wear her shits but i said no.. so i had jeans on like everyone else and.. we went.. Javier was there... oh.. i never said anything about javier huh? his mom made him ask me to the dance kinda sorta.. but yeah.. this tatoo is drying out like hell.. umm.... ... got to the dance and.. sat by javier.. the speakers went out and blah blah finnaly lenka left. I told her it was gonna be gay.. but anyway, javier and i walked to my house again and it's fucking freezing cold.. i mean that wind was blowing and all kinds of shit... .. and.. he asked for another drink.. got one for him and one for me... fricking downed it and.. walked to his house... after sticking the bottles in another tree.. ... i .. was bout.. buzzing when i got to his house.. damn i can't hold alcohol.. .. got on his couch and was sick.. my chest hurt.. it did before too.. and i just felt so heavy and got warm and fuzzy and was just about to pass out, found out it was 11:46 i have to be home at 12 and have to walk back... ... umm.. anton picked us up after like fucking 3 blocks of walking .... so now i'm here.. and.. i got sick.. got 2 more bottles in the back yard.. got a party to go to tomorrow.. kylee's...... and.. brook.. i cannot believe he likes doing that... i guess it would be ok if i was home and knew i could crash.. but... having to walk and walk and be near teachers and this and that and..... i was.. fucked up.. falling down the walls.. i can remember it too.. i need some sleep though.. i'm okay now.. i got okay and then that 3rd one and now i'm okay.. javier called it weak.. he said 'oh yeah, girls drink weak' and.. in the car... .. when i said by to javier i almost kissed him... i patted him on the shoulder and got closed and said 'oooOoh i almost kissed you.... ha ha' and left... ... i'm going now...

.. Brook.. ... i miss him so fucking bad... ... ... ... bastard.. fucking bitch god...

2 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 7 November :: 10.40 pm
:: Mood: tired/fine
:: Music: Marilyn Manson

Well, woke up, got things started and Amy picked me up, we picked Lenka up around 10:10 and we was on our way baby (I didn't go to sleep around 3-4) Make things short, got to town, the arcade was not open yet so we went to hastings, got me some devil ducks and a dead duck (so CUTE!) and then a Marilyn Manson mOBSCENE shirt hell yeah baby! Be obscene be be obscene, be obscene baby and not heard. ... Yeah.. went and played some DDR, BJ from that 40 minute way town was there.. remember, those guys we checked their ID's with? Yeah, him and the other guy Jeff, but jeff wasn't there... bj said he was mostlikely with his girl. But anyway, there was this other guy Michael with him, I wooped his ass in DDR, he had feel off the machine too right into that glass window, cut his elbow up ha ha dork I laughed my ass off xD poor guy. I wooped his ass, he didn't deserve to be on standard. But anyway, amy got some shrits and lenka got a jacket.. we also played that claw game with the stuff animals, i won 2 and amy got 3 and lenka got like 4 or 5 of those things xD ha ha it was fun. Left and ate a pizza and played some pool. left and went to wal mart and amy went and saw her mom while me and lenka shopped. Got me some spray gel, floss, and some chap stick stuff and a whole bunch of junk. Met up with amy and we continued to go down my list of shit. Bought mom a frying pan, and some butter and softener, got me some plasic cups and plates.. ah.. got 3 juices... umm... and we checked out and the lady thoguht we were college students living together.. ^^ cool. ... Ritsuko was there i said hi but when i came back she was gone so.. yeah... went home and.... i was putting in my eye rings i bought too.... and stuff and the phone rang a while later (i got home at like 6:40 or so) and... javier called. ... he said that jorden said he stole some tshit so now he isn't allowed at joeys or jorndens or anyones... ... i said that was bullshit.. so now he says he isn't allowed at alot of peoples houses because of hteir parents.. mothers i mean... ah.. so anyway i said for him to come over b ecause my parents were gone to the casino ... so he came and we walked to his house, i snuck out without my brother knowing and ... he got out his tatooing stuff and i freaked out but ehn calmed down and really looked at it and we walked back to my house to get me a clean needle and my parents got back. They let me go back over, so i did ... got the stuff ready over there.. i was just poking myself with the needle but i didn't break the skin. So I used his needle after i heated it up to de-germ it. so I drew blood and i didn't really hurt at all so I put some ink on it made a dot on my wrist and.. did 2 more into a triangle... .. a small one.. xD i have a tatoo... gaw... lol then i made a dot on him. God, that shits' addicting! I"m gonna fucking tatoo his ass, i'm gonna make up a design, indian ink is fun, i like poking him.
but yeah i'm tired.... god.. this shit really shows up on my white ass... gawwwww

No word from Brook...

Close the World |

:: 2004 7 November :: 1.47 am
:: Mood: cold/tired/achy/in thought
:: Music: Never meant to be so cold, what i really meant to say, is i'm sorry for the way that i am, never mea

Well, I'm really writing this reguarding Saturday night although the time is sunday morning...
... I woke up with a sore throat.. wanting to call Javier to apologize for being rude.. well.. never did because he had left.. and went walking and I saw him down the road but I didn't call for him..
Another guy, Jakeeta's husand's bestfriend's dad, died lastnight. So no one but me and teresa was at work.. it was dead... and no one came in from like 6-8 and I wasn't feeling good, so jakeeta knew, I didn't do anything but I was fine later in the day, my throat didn't hurt too bad, ok not really at all. ha ha i faked a lot. .. not too much though. .. but.. I called javier again and he wasn't home.. so .... around... 6... something... he called and.. I said I'm sorry and he asked why and i said becasue he was mad at me because when we was walking theother night i asked him why he went the other way and he said he got the vibe from me that i didn't want him around... I said i pissed him off and he said yeah that i did.. then he said he was just playing...
Well all the guys give themselves tatooes with needles and indian ink...I had drawn javier's name many times very cool.. and.. well.. on his right hand in that area by your thumb.. is his intials how I drew them >_ But at work.. after javier called.. like.. 5 minutes.. it rang again, i thought it would be javier again... it was brook, "I'm sorry" first words out of his mouth.. and all day all day long i was bitching and bitching about brook not showing up how i was gonna call gasmart and cus him out saying untill he got his shit straight and his head cleared that i didn't want anything to do with him, not be involved anyhow.. and once i heard his voice... it all went away.
"why are you sorry?" "because i didn't show up, I'm sorry"... I didn't know what to say, "what happened?" "alot of shit happened before I was about to leave so I couldn't.." he said that.. and he was really sorry... I didn't say anything... .. he says.. that.. he's in.. a city close to tulsa... .. that he's stayign there... for awhile... remember how ... he was gonna go away for .. 2 or so years for school adn this and that and save money?... well... he says.. he's doing that... something about it taking 1 or 2 years... he is staying with his mothers.. cusion.. he says everyone is nice there and looks out for each other.. that he doesn't know anyone and has more family he hasn't even met yet there... he says he loves it because everyone points and says 'there's mona's son'... his mother is burried there... he says he feels closer to her.. he also says he doesn't evne want to drink or smoke anymore, since monday when he left he hasn't and he is gonna really try not to... so he says... also something about getting scholar ships and... starting school in January and.. working at this machinery place till there... putting together stoves and coffee pots and shit... he is.. also getting his name changed to his mothers madien name.. that and... he said he's looking forward to meeting his father... ....
He says he's waiting for his blackeye to heal before he goes looking for a job.. ... he said he's ... setting himself up.. he said he went outthere because he has a chance of getting a car and a house.. he said that.. creg was thinking of moving in with him in a while... if he can get a house... he said that this will all give me time to finish up my school and family stuff here and move out there... bullshit.. i said that's unlikely.. he said if i wanted to...
I told him... well i asked him if he remembed the time i told him to get his shit striaght.. he said 'yeah, why do you think i came out here'?' ... so.. i told him he really needs to try on it and he insists that he is.. that... he is only comming back to bulldog town and my town only to get what he needs and visit the people he cares about like his sister, creg, and you, which was me... me... he said he liked me more then creg... he said that creg partied too much and that he wasn't into that anymore... I asked him about that girl .. he said what girl.. that girl that he todl me about in the email about comming back and wanting to talk to him.. he said 'oh that was just a one night deal.. she came up to visit family and left back to california, pause, or wherever she came from, and to visit me'... yeah.. ..
I just.. I didn't.. I could'nt be mean to him, i coudln't say shit to him.. I couldn't say fuck off till you get rid of your white jacket... I coudln't find the heart...
... he said well he had to go because he was about to meet some new family..but he didn't get off the phone.. we talked more.. he called this place a blackhole, not to worrie about it because he would come back.. I said why... and.. he said.. 'because he can't stay away from me, that frankly he loves me too damn much'.. his exact words...I'm the only one that will accept his ass when he crawls back.. ..
He even made me laugh sometimes.. and i hated it that I laughed.. once I did.. it reminded me of old times.. and i let my guard down.. and just.. tried tired to be light hearted and remember the times he always made me laugh on the phone, all the many times i talk to him.... but once I did... i hated myself for it.
He had told me to take care of myself.. stay out of trouble.. ... but .. he said it.. many times.. take care of yourself... I also had asked him about that brown old car following me around.. he said he doesn't have eyes anymore, no more connections... .. and hta the doesn't know anyone with such a car... he said he'd keep in touch... and he'd.. talk to me later.. then he said 'no i'll see ya later' .... and i said yeah... talk to you late.r. and we said taht about three times each and... he said ok.. bye.. and i said.. bye.. and... i was waiting on him to hang up and he was waiting on me to hang up and i heard a small sigh and a click.... he had hung up.. i had had tears in my eyes and was praying no customers came in... none did. ... he said it was a large town, ddr town, bulldog town, and my town all together and then some... he said he lived behind a wal mart... .. i .. i dont' know why i still love him... but i do.... and i beat myself up for it..

... not a minute later the phone rang and it was jakeeta bitchign me out for being on the phone so long, saying he tired to call for a solid 30 minutes... oops..

Charles came with a joint, they smoked it in the back and... fucking she was throwing knives at the wall, he was cooking, and she was chasing me with ketcup bottles and throwing onions and raw eggs at me, i was running accross the street and everything, then she calmed down. lol terresa is crazy.. she was also crying today, saying how depressed she was.. how she is too young to be alone forever..
... it just.. all this.. what i'm donig to javier isn't fair and tonight.. he walked by two times with some other guys and he just stopped and said 'what' to me.. an dkept walking and.. then came over with one guy, same one from last night. My bad his name isn't Aaron it's like.. Josh or something... no no Jacob! yep jacob.. but they were both acting high and i was about to kick them both off my yard and then i found out they were just being stupid.. he' stoo young. ... so they left because they went to ton's and he asked if i wante dhim to come back.. i said that i didn't care that i wsn't gonna stay up much longer so whatever, and he asked it again, and i said i wasn't gonig to wait long... ... 10 minutes later he was there.. i was surprised so soon and he dind't leave untill about an hour ago.. naw like 30 minutes... ... it was like.. 10 when he came over... and... around 1 or whatever.. he was laying on his stomach on the turck and i was on his back keeping him warm and i asekd him when was the last time he had a girlfriend.. and he said last year.. and he said it could be from bulldog town ddr town far way towns... and i asked what he did with them.. then i said 'talk on the phone' he sai dyeah... and i said what else he said it was none of my buisness then laughed it off... .. but.. i said.. 'how long did you know themn before you went out with them' and he didn't say anythign so i suggested, a few days a couple of weeks and he said yeah, i said i wasn' tlike that... and went on.. to make it short since this typing is bugging my mother, i said that i wasn't looking for a realtionship like that in him, that i just wanted to be friends and that.. i ddin' want it to get so far on that i'd hurt him.. if i hadn't already ... that and... how i didn' t nessasarly want all of this comming over to stop... tha tthat i wasn't wanting a relationship but that didn't mean we could be real good friends... .. i said i was sorry...
... he didn't say ANYTHING... I hurt him... i mean that damn tattoe..he wants me to design him one.. he said his next tattoe can be by me.. he's gonna teach me how.. i don't know if i can do it.. poke someone with a needle.. eeee... i can't i think.
.. but.. it was late and he had to be home an hour ago.. so.. i pulled him off the car and.. said sorry and i said what he had to say about it and he said 'it's okay, i felt the same way sort of' ... i said 'damn, that's fair enough' I think he just said that just to get back at me.. but.. i ... i hurt him.. and i .. feel aweful.. i walked him a block and sent him on his way.. no hug.. never looked back.. didn't say a thing but bye...
.. i feel like a bitch
not to mention about charles tonight.. fucking.. ass.. i pissed him off bigtime and.. he desevered it..

.. amy is picking me and lenka up early in the morning.. around10 to go ddr.. anton is supposed to go into town too... with joey.. javier might go.. i have no clue.. but me and anton made a bet.. if he beats me at ddr i owe him a game.. if i win he owes me 3 rides... ..
tonight teresa was gonna buy me some drinks i fi came an dpicked them up.. i wanted to real bad but anton wa at work.. sonic...
... my legs are killing me i'm cold and tired and.. i just.. ... brook.. and poor javier...
... but brook.. this is waht he had been waiting for but damn.. saying me comming mvoing up with him and all this giving me time to sort shit out here and finish up.. and.. i was about to say why was it me always going to him... cha..

.. oh well i need to go

Close the World |

:: 2004 6 November :: 11.03 pm
:: Mood: pissed/thraot hurts/tired

today sucked ass. Javier... god.. at lunch we got these little bags of apple slices and well javier collected his friends ones and dropped them on the table next to my trey.... not long after everyone from all the tables were throwing me their apple bags! I had a pile a foot high, no joke! It went on for like 5 minutes. But yeah.. he was.. I don't like the boys he hangs out with... they act stupid.. too stupid...
Mattie is going back out with Jose.. since last night... .. ... but .. ... I had brook on my mind add fucking day.. all day and filled lenka in on everything... that and I treated javier prety much like a little kid... just brushing him off.... ... .. i .. brook was on my mind.. I just .. I don't know. Why not just say fuck them all and leave them alone?
You know why I say this? Because.. Javier gives me attention and ... god.. anyway after school lenka walks to the store, well i walk with her and then we walk to my house, watch some marilyn manson because mom was at work and my brother and father went in town... javier drove by like seven times honking his horn... there was that basketball game... so around wahtever, five, i did lenka's hair and she left around five thirty and... i started getting ready and she had to get there before me becasue she was on the team and i got there around 6:20... and... anyway.. javier .. was there.. and... i saw him but he said nothing i said nothing i stayed away from him and he popped up here and there... ... but.. i just.. was in the back of my mind knowing brook was comming....... to make it short he never showed. Girls played first and then boys, druing half time me and lenka walked to her house and javi had been outside so once we left her house there was someone down the block walking on the road we were.... some tall guy and a shorter guy.. it's dark and you can't see but they was walking like javier... so I whisted and we stoped and kinda waited for them and then the tall figure leaned by the shorter one so.. i thought javier was talking about me so I just kept walking and they turned.. so I didn't know where they was going... so we got to the school and javier was there.. so it wasn't him! I have no clue who was walking! .. it could of been brook.. he's tall and walks like that too.. i dunno.. but i just.. i was mad and took it out on javier because when me and lenka walked to my house.. javier and some other guy.. aaron, a fat white guy who has an indian last name who's new from bulldog town, followed us. Jaiver started acting stupid... and.. i just pissed me off.. i hate it when he acts like that and.. talks nasty around them... pisses me off... it really does. disgusting.. i won't get into detail. but that guy woudln't stop asking lenka questions so i got pissed and told him just to write up a goddamn survey for her. Dumbass said he wooud... something else about them acting like kids and i said yeahoh, i said that they were all the same, aaron and jaivers' other friends because i couldn't remember any of there names and i idnd' tlike any of them.. joey and cody, javier had asked me who was worse.. i said they were the same and that he wasn't but 2 steps behind them.. it.. pissed him off... so they walked a different way then us so we just walked home... i havne't heard of him since..
i have a sore throat from who knows what, it's dry and shit and i'm tired as hell and i just want to cry... i can not stand brook anymore.. i really can't. all he does is lie... fuck him and i need to stop playing around with javier's feelings...

Close the World |

:: 2004 5 November :: 11.44 pm
:: Mood: cold and tired/pissed off/ tired/pissed off/fuckin

..... Where to start... well remember how chrarles told me about brook getting hit with a beer? well... school was ok today.. normal. Just got a shit load of homework and a major test tomorrow, still i am continuing to get in a shit load of trouble in biology... Javier paid more attention to be in school today... But the real one thing that... just completly has pissed me off and has me thinking is.. ... at work.. it got busy... kinda sorta at one time.. and the phone rang while i was in the middle of taking an order... I go to it and.. ... ... "Hey, wad up"... B-Brook... it was b-brook... I just a long ass shocked pause... 'hey' ... I was so quite... he just wanted to tell me, he said, that he was out of town, he had to skip out town Monday.... and was calling long distance ... he just wanted me to know because.. he didn't know if I had tried to e-mail him or not, I said I did... he said he'd keep in touch.. He said he'd fill me in on why he had to skip town later... .. I .. my stomached knoted so much.. I was just .. so quite... .. when he said he was out of town.. i thought he moved... and then he said that he didn't need to really come back but he was talking to himself... bethany said she didn't know what really tired him to bulldog town but.. there is something and he always goes back to it..... I said sorry I'm really busy right now... and he said okay.. and... he said he'd just keep in touch.. and I said thank you.. and okay.. and.. ... he said well byez. and i said ... see ya later.. and... I .. .... went in the back and cried xD lmao I just started crying when i got those peoples order and went in the back to make my salads... and.. I just.. god I had to stay back tehre for awhile.. well... I sat down and talked to some people and got everyone everything and someones order was about to come out and... the phone rang... and.. it was Brook again... he said.. that he heard there was a basketball game tomorrow.. I said yeah.. he said 'you know my brother don right' ... I said yeah.. he said that he'd might be with him tomorrow.. and... he.. he said.. that he might see me tomrrow at the game.. and.. I said.. oh.. arlight.. and I said for him to hold on or either whatever because i had to take out an order and he said whatever and I told him to hang on.. .. so.. i took the order and started adding up tickets while on the phone with him... i didn't want to get in trouble. .. he asked 'so who is this guy you are hanging out with?' I said javier.. and he laughed.. .. asshole... but... ... brook.. he said 'can you believe it? i got a black eye' and I was like 'so I heard' and he's like' oh you already heard about it huh?' i said maybe, and he said 'well yeah i beat up five guys too' bullshit.. .. damn.. what a lier... .. that and he said.. that he's been hearing about me getting in trouble in work and even in school alot, and he said yeah i know i have connections.. .. didn't I write it in an email to him? ah yeah i think so.. but.. anyway.. i said I really had to go.. and thanked him again.. and.. he said alright, guess I'll see you later and I was like yeah ok see ya later .. and.. he said no, I better not say that, I WILL see you tomorrow evening.... and I said ok... and.. bye and.. that was that... ... t-that ws that... h. he called me.. ... ... Teressa told me that he had asked how i was doing or still wroking at beesons last week end .. she jsut rememberd.. .. .. Brook. .. called me.. and is going to come to the game tomorrow.. how did he know i dind't work? everyone wants me to go to the game tomorrow... I guess I will..
I called anton and said i needed to talk to him.. he asked what was the matter and i sai di'd call hjim later.. .. at home kylee was there... so i got the phone and we went to my room.. .. anton.. said for me not to tell javier.. i called javier from work and told him i needed to talk to him tonight.. i didn't tell him more then that.. and.. anton told me not to tell him anything tonight... and IF brook showed up.. that.. then I would play like I didn't even know he was gonna show up... .. god I got so sick in my stomach.. .. anton said i was going to break javier's heart, he said he didn't care if i didn't go out with him but just not to get back with brook. Anthony was yelling and cusing at me.. ... ... he said... that brook wanted a second chance. He got me thinking.. since when the first time brook called I wasn't all.. freaking out .. i was just shocked and quite and when he said bye I really said bye.. then.. when he called me back a second time saying he was gonna see me then.. that he might want another chance. Anton said he could respect that but he said he was raised by his mama and she didn't take shit from guys. One came crawling back and she accepted him but then he turned around and beat her again.. .. he saying that about brook. that he'd do shit again.... .. what if he just not got a slap in the face? Brook? Anton said that he apprently liked the way i teated him and wants it back.. wants me back... course he said that one night to his friend that i was there whenever he wanted me to be so .. i don't know.. ..
.. i relaly dont' know.. javier came over when sis and kylee left, i was on my way to anthony's house to get help with homeowkr and talk to him but javi was on my front porch when i went out so.. he walked with me .. we didn't talk at all... we stayed there fr like 45 minutes doing really nothing and.. anothy told me i really had a choce to make..
It didn't feel righ tnot telling him.. but the way anthony said.. If.. like if brook would really come.. it made me think.. ... .. damn.. .. .. brook...

... i hav eso much to concentrate on.. schoolwork.. and now.. he's screwing with my head once more.. great.. just fucking great.

I have to get up early to get help with algebra 2.. javier is supposed to be calling me in the morning to wake me up...

.. damn.. this is fucked up. he came over tonight afterwards and.. christian came.. while i was ontop of javi... and.. said he needed to come home.. it was like 11:30 ... and... we drove him home and his mom yelled at him.. stupid ass he told me he could stay out late but he was supposed to be home 10:30.. ha ha.. oh well.

.. bu tshit.. i need to go...

I am the little stick
you stir me into shit
i hate therefore i am
goddamn your rightgious hand
goddamn (oh lord) goddamn (oh lord)

marilyn manson...

1 |Opened the Next | Close the World |

:: 2004 3 November :: 11.54 pm
:: Mood: fine

That boy Javier is comming over too much lol, naw he ain't. He came over lastnight, and the night before.. and the night before that I believe. God I haven't updated in forever... Javier and I.. well after that night at the Carnival.. I don't even remember really. I'm all over him though... playfully though. I met his mom Saturday night.. she likes me. She kept telling him to offer me stuff. He put on his glasses too, took him forever though, I about shoved them down his throat. .... Christian is.. alot different then I've precieved him to be.. Javier is aswell. He really takes care of his Mama. Javi's come overhere alot too. Just hung in the backyard the other day and played Tetris and Christian came over and when me and javi was outside we heard the school alarm go off and we had saw joey and christain drive by. So when Christian was over here he said it was him that brook in to it and spray painted some shit on the lockers and floor, some gang shit 'K-Swis" kill slobs when i see slobs, shit like that and KB and shit. And Javi said that they'd think it was him because mr. givens knows javi wrights that so.. anyway christian was just playing a nasty trick, thank goodness.
But everynight I've seen Javier he's givin me a hug... damni't... he likes me.
I paid for my mommy's car tags.. some other shit too... got in some trouble at work but it's ok. Before Charles had a sex dream about me and he said he liked it XD lmao and today he would'nt put in my ear ring (for the past 2 days he's put it in his lip and eye brow) and it pissed me off. So he sat down and I sat with him and said he was pissing me off. He asked why and I said some days he wants to play and other days he doesn't and it's pissing me off. He said every day he wanted to play but not infront of nichole... ::sigh:: he said his girl treated him good too.. I need to back off. But he patted me on the butt later, oddly that made me feel better -_-
... Javi is still brushing me off kinda at school, like.. he's stopping but not saying anything and just walking away or comming up behind me and tripping me... today on the phone (he told me to call him when I got home from work) I told him he needed to get his shit straight and he didn't say anything.
... ah... I also heard Monday that Sunday was the spagetti social. ... William said brook was there, jeff said he was too. With Don fixico... Brook was there Sunday around 2 they said just watching the basket ball or something... .. I got home at 4... Jon.. sunday.. was trying to mess with me.. oh yeah! They, him and teresa, was drinking pepsi and brandy back there XD me too! fucking for like an hour. I got pissed and they told me to lighten up, I sure as hell did lol But I got home and Javier came over and.. Brook was there just hours earlier or could of still been there... my stomach turned when I thought about just missing him and thinking about why he was there...
Monday night at work, Charles told me my ex got fucked up in the face. I froze and inched closer to him 'what?' and he said 'you know how he likes to tell lies and change his stories all the time? like .. lies and lies?' I was like 'a habitchual lier?' and he was like yeah and.. he said that brook was saying that this guy that got robbed a while back well that it was these guys that he was living with that did it.. so the guy asked brook about it and brook keep changing his story. this was saturday night at a party... and the guy got pissed off at brook changing his story all the time and picked up a full, unopened can of beer and smashed it across brook's face, his jaw kinda and then punched him and brook was out like a light and they all just left him on the floor. My stomach knoted...... he said brook didn't show up for work the next day. Charles was laughing so hard... I was just.. shock.. i didn't know whether to be like well he finnaly got what he deserved or oh my baby got hurt! lol.. I was just fucking shocked. ... Thing is.. that gets me thinking is that This was supposed to of happened Saturday night and he wasn't supposed to of showed up for work the next day which would be sunday which would be the same day he was supposed to of been up here... thing is jeff said brook's face didn't looked fucked up and if what charles said really happned then there would, i'm sure, be somekind of mark on his face. I mean the boy is indian but come'on now. So I have no clue.
Thing is I've been thinking... I'm done with Brook. I've put up with his lies and shit for too long.. and Javier .. I'm not sure whether or not I want to give him a chance. ...
... I'm going to bed though, I'm dog tired and I have tomorrow off.. that and firday and sunday. ...

Close the World |

:: 2004 27 October :: 3.11 am
:: Mood: fine

Well, school was fine. Took Pre ACT this morning.. well I guess it was Yesterday morning since it's so early and it's really like nighttime for me.. Javi trips me in the hall and ignors me the rest or the time... I said bye to him after school and at work today I found out that Wes kicked Terressa out of HER house, now she's staying with her son who, even though Wes kicked his mother out, still talks and hangs with him. Work was slow and fine, I had to clean alot of shit.. mom called like around.. probably 6 something and asked who was working, wondering if someone could take me home so she could borrow money from me and go to the casino in that hour away town. She said my brother wasn't gonna be home either, but Terressa was working so I had no ride so she got my sister to come get me. .. Well, Kylee was introduced to everyone, and when she found out Tina was pregnant and had a baby in her stomach, Kylee wanted to see and looked up her shirt lol it was funny. Mom said to be in at 11, and Javi could come over but we had to sit on the porch. Well, when sis drove me home Javi was outside playing Bball and me and Kylee went outside to play and sis was just muching and talkin on the phone. Our phone rang like 30 or so minutes later and it was Javi saying he wanted to come over.. so I told him he could and he did and he was just standing outside for awhile. Sis left and said to be careful and if I needed anything just to call. ... she didn't trust Javi, that was cool though. Well, once she was gone, I cranked up Marilyn Manson and we had the door open and we wrestled and I fucking was messing with him on the steps and my shoe got stuck under his feet and it came off and I flew back flat on my back! Hit my head on the ground too! He was cracking up! -_- xD but thats' ok because he hit his head on the pole not but 20 minutes later and has a knot on his head xD ha ha that's what he gets. His lighter's somewhere out in the yard too. .. but yeah.. we went in the house to get him a drink and some paper towles because he was sweating and was outside and my brother came home.. blah blah blah about his car parts and did you feed the dogs it's 10 30 blah blah , 10:40 comes and I get up to leave. He fucking yells at me saying to get my fucking ass back to the proch and stay there till 11 and come in.. bastard.. well to make it short we just hid when he went in side and ran after he looked for us.
We just went to our propane tank and just sat, the fog was gathering and it kept on gathering and now you can't see half a block away from you. Time went by but I didn't want to go home because I didn't want to hear my brother bitch. .. Well, a cop drove by too and Javi hid so he just kept on rolling by. Time went by and I found out Javi likes this girl named.. Sabina. Yeah lol that and we was all messing and I smacked my head good on that fucking tank! He was trying to hold my head down and poke my stomach and i hit my head and he let me up and was all Ooh Oohh scared lol and started rubbing my head like I was a little kid who just feel. I knew he felt bad T_T one way or another he's always hurting me XD but it's mostly my fault! Well, anyway it hurt. Lol no bump though.. feels like I got a hang over or something though.
... it got to like 12 or something and Javi's mom drove right by us but didn't see us. I got cold and I was wrapped in Javier's arms. He had on his hoddie, he already offered it to me but I declined, i had my arms in the big pocket his his arms around me. I was between his legs >.>' . .. but it got later and later and we ended up walking a bit, waiting on my parents to get home. His mom wanted him back at 11.. oops lol.. damn I was feeling really bad. I had also teased him REALLY bad... about 1, 2, 3 and oh now there is 4.. yeah he was doing something and his hands went up and brushed over me boobies lol and he just froze lol xD ha ha but yeah he didn't mean to xD it was funny. That and I was like , Sa Bi Naaa lol teasin him bad lol .. but yeah, he got mad at me but I could tell I was right. ... ha ha.
He was doing something, oh threating to touch the back of my earrings.. he ended up doing it but then his fingers ran up behind them and boy did I shiver! I never let anyone touch my ears because of all my earrings but.. OoOo I liked it xD I was bout to ask him to do it again lol!
We was gonna go sit in the backyard and wait but.. the dog started to bark and we heard the door kinda open so we made a run for it lol we ended up siting on the porch of an abandoned house around 2:00. I was between his legs inside his hoodie with him with his head on my shouder and his arms around my waist along with my arms.. he feel asleep and I dozed off a bit too. .. it was wonderful.. and a load off my chest when I found out that he had a crush on Sabina.. aww they'd make a cute couple.. .. I didn't tell him about me missing brook though..
But yeah.. parents drove by and i waved, meaning javi did too lol, but they kept on driving (this house was just at the end of the block, not but 2 houses from my house) So we started walkin and I whistled so my parents could hear me and we drove him home.
My brother told a fucking lie, saying he was all nice and shit and.. whatever, I couldn't stand listing to his fucking voice, I had to go outside and I told my dad to get me when he went to his room. .. Oo he pisses me off. I can't stand him. ... Oo.. But yeah.. it's all good though. I need to get to bed though, gotta wake up in 4 and a half hours and I still have to shower and do homework.. i'm gonna be dead at school, good thing I don't work ^^
Found out though that Javi's mom called my house.. looking for him.. shit.. .. I feel bad for doing that to his mother. ... I need to meet her...

... .. Brook hasn't emailed me..

Close the World |

:: 2004 25 October :: 12.41 pm
:: Mood: tired

.. I'm tired... Went to town with Lenka.. Javi was supposed to come over this morning but he left when I called so I hadn't gotten ahold of him again so I called Risa and she said I couldn't come today, which was fine with me, and went to town around 4 after waking up at 12. Got Marilyn Manson's greatest hits CD which comes with an awesome, music video loaded, DVD with it..
Got 2 new pairs of jeans too. Long ones. Spent bout $60-70 bucks today...
Called Javi when we got back around 8 (yes I played DDR) and he came over.. he gave me a piggy back to Cody's, he's like riding a camel xD ha ha and .. umm. went back and I triped him and layed on him.. rubbed his back while sitting on his ass. I told Lenka about what happened in the surburbine.. one two three, lmao. But yeah, I asked Javi how it went again and he said he didn't know what I was talking about lol poor guy.. but yeah.. got him to touch me ^^ kinda rubbed my back, he just stayed on my spine and freaked out over the bra straps.. weird-o. ... He has alot of grass stains on his white shirt now..
We was just laying on the ground me on him, he is so warm and .. just whatever.. but.. he finnaly just put his arm around me like it was now a rule, or habbit ^^ yeah. Was sitting on the steps him between my legs, him smoking a cigerate and .. he feel asleep and his head all fell and he woke himself up.. and he asked if I wanted to sit down there.. and I said if he wanted me to and he said If I wanted to and blah blah so I did. He did that back thing again lol but I all leaned back and he is warm.. i just curled up in his lap kinda and he put his arms around me keeping me warm and offered me his hoddie, which goes below my knees so you all know, and.. I declined his offer since I knew mom was about to come out and bitch..
I am so tired.. time for bed...

Close the World |

:: 2004 24 October :: 1.34 am
:: Mood: fine but tired

... Javier... showed up at my work.. stayed for a bit.. and came back later that night and just waited outside in the dark.. then I made him come inside and fed him a salad.. he had to eat something so I wouldn't get in trouble. Once everyone left I made Javi help me clean.. he swept and kinda mopped.. I won't ask him to help meh again.. .. .. but.. anyway.. he was dropped off and so he was left there and we had to take him home.. dad came in the surburbine because sis came to get mom for bingo...
Boy was Charles Jealous! He said 'one of your boyfriends are here' and pointed out the window and ha ha so ture it was javi! Anyway I was busy so charles goes out the door smoking a cigerate xD checking out the competition.. ha ha javi was smoking by the ice machine and charles went the other way lol it was pretty funny... ha ha
Anyway, got home and me and javi just stayed in the truck.. messed around.. I got him to put his arm around me and then his other one.. I said he was hopeless lol and.. i was One, two, and three, and put my nose on his and his leg would move, ya'know shake it, move your foot up and down.. he sdid that when he was nervious lol .. but yeah. I did that like 6 times and finnaly went, 'one, two' and by three his fucking mouth was on mine but his tounge was out and i pulled away lol xD and he is so damn shy, he kept hiding his face and it was so cute, but yeah he just lunged at me XD ha ha ha I so was calling him on everything lol. It was halirious, poor guy was so embarrased.. but yeah I just embarrased him all night long.. and.. it reminded me of brook.. I can't get him out of my head.. being with javier reminds me of brook.. they are so different.. javier is so shy.. so so shy... .. but yeah.. I .. was all over him.. I cant' keep my hands off him... I'm trying to slow it down but.. I dont' know.. some car drove by over and over again chunking rocks at us.. I have no clue who found out it was us in there.. ..but yeah.. I told him not to feel me up, it cought him off guard, he wouldn't talk so I said I wasn't a free fuck either and he said 'damn' and looked really shocked... .. .. but yeah.. he said being shy was bad.. I said it was good.. that it made him true.. I also called him on his virgin thing.. and he insists he is not a virgin.. I said it wasn't bad.. I .. i need to keep my mouth shut.. I can't keep in mind that he's only 15 .. makes a world of difference.
... but yeah.. after I tied his wrists together and put my legs over them, and tickled him till he bout threw me out of the car, we just laid there.. he was bent sideways and I was just on his side.. he's so big.. 220 something lb... .. he was so warm ... I told him too.. ... he feel asleep.. i just about did too.. until I hear footsteps and saw my dad making his way other.. meaning that was goodnight.. we stayed out in that truck from 9 to 1 in the morning.. wow.. .. but yeah.. he said I'd see him tomorrow.. .. .. I dont' know what is up with Risa.. I'm tired though.. and I'm watching Rose ann so I ai'nt really paying attention.. .. .. ah... .. .. I'm so.. .. low.. .. so low.. ... ..

Close the World |

:: 2004 22 October :: 1.27 am
:: Mood: heartbroken

I'm in tears... I can't stop crying:

There's another thing my old gurl from long time ago has returned to cache and she has asked me to talk with her. To let you know i was ingaged before while i was "still in love w/bethany" but now it's different cuz she has returned. TO let you also know i don't know whats going to happin so let's wait and see.


Well i alway sorry for not being there with you and I also wish i could go back in time for that. I think till we both know it's aight to be with each other but i think now it's pretty dang differcult. To let you know i will always be waiting for you but intill then lets go do our own thing. It might sound like i'm leaving even though i need to i will wait till i see you at my front door Aight.

Love intill then,

I thought about taking the truck again.. ..

... I can't stop crying... I can't..

Close the World |

:: 2004 21 October :: 9.53 pm
:: Mood: fine

Brook had me in tears this morning.. an e-mail he wrote me.. it's my fault... :

I mean i don't want this anymore of this aight i'm tried of you lisiting to other people say-ing shit i didn't do. And another thing i'm sorry but i'm going have to except what you said to me at tha window at Gas-Mart. I still do really Love You but if you don't like tha things i do and tha people i hang out with's gotta stop. To let you know and you might throw some stupid shit at me even though i don't think it's shit but you throw things at me that was said from some-body else instead of your own boy-friend welll....................................i don't know but shit SORRY for treanting you that way but whut i have is whut i have and nothing will change that aight !

LOve always,
p.s.f.s. always and forever there will be something bout you

..... I was in tears.. repeating to myself 'no, no, no, no' I just couldn't believe it.
When I was on, someone IMed me.. an unfamiler name.. bethany also IMed me so I thought it was Brook.. but it was Justin... ... he asked what was wrong, and he said to let me be called by him.. so Justin called and we talked... he said that.. I nee to give him another chance and we talked for quite awhile.. and I wrote an "I'm sorry" email... ..

Was called into work.. Amanda never showed so she bout to get her ass fired.. that and I called Javi and .. he said he'd come see me today.. at work since he was gonna go to that football game.. he never showed.. so yeah.. I wonder how the fight went.. I'm bout to go to Lenkas...

.. Brook.. this is what I wrote to him:

Brook... I'm sorry. There's something about you I don't want to let go of... I love you and I'm sorry for pushing you.. I'm always pushing you, I'm sorry. I've been wrong for pushing you so much.. I see now that you have ... your own life and I have my own life.. and. it's hard to find time for each other.. I'm sorry for expecting so much of you when you are so busy... I never really took the time to put myself in your shoes fully.. I jumped on what other people said too much only because when I told you about it, you didn't try to prove them wrong.. and I'm sorry .. You don't have time to prove every little thing I hear wrong.. I should just believe you and from now on.. I will believe you.. I believe in you Brook I really do... I'm sorry for questioning it. I was jealous.. of your work, your family and friends.. I just wanted more time with you for myself.. I'm sorry. I was selfish babe.. I'm sorry. My head's been all screwed up and I got used to you being there.. and when you weren't, I freaked out.. sorry. I'm not really sure what all to say.. I know I love you.. that I miss you .. and others can't understand our relationship.. I bearly understannd our relationship.. I'm sorry for 'calling you out' all the time.. like I said, I've been selfish.. You mean alot to me Brook, I wanted you all to myself but you have your own life.. I'm sorry for feeling and treating you that way... I made it hard on you I'm sure.. I just wanted to make things easier and I didn't do a good job of that.. sorr.y. I just want to be with you! I'm sorry, I want to be here for you and I haven't been doing that good either.. please.. I want to be here for you.. I know it's hard, it's hard for me.. You're the only one that makes me feel so damn crazy.. I want it just to be you Brook.. ... I miss you... ..... .. . .. ...I'm sorry... I love you.... .... .. always.

Love and Always yours,
~ Baby-girl

... .. ::sigh::

Close the World |

:: 2004 20 October :: 9.26 pm
:: Mood: fine/bit tired
:: Music: Your right, everything else in my life just might be wrong your wrong all the timeeeee some- I don't

Well, Mr. Elf or Lurch just left again. I got in trouble at school again.. twice. Once for hitting BJ on the forehead and another for sleeping in Boi... stupid osborne.. He has this stick and he hit the heater and it was loud.. and then hit underneath my desk. .. But yeah. I was like 'just write me up so I can go talk to mr givens..' and he didn't, he gave me this paper that said 'when i want to be rude, i will raise my little hand and wait on the nice teacher to call on me before i do anything rude'.. and I had to write that fifteen times. -_- better then listening to him. I enjoyed it.
After school Javi and I just stood in the hallway and everyone left so I just sat down in this little disply window thing without glass that is like a sunk in bench and he sat and we stayed there till like 4:37 untill my mom came and got me worried as hell. Lol it was just so much fun though. Just sitting there and others came and we just talked and chilled and everyone said we was hooking up and blah blah. I asked him if I would see him tonight and he asked me if I wanted to see him then yes and what time. He made me choose... I said seven. So I go home with mom who is pissed, I knew I should of called. Got grounded for this week end break shit and got pissed and we all talked and.. I learned how young and childish I've been once again! I was even crying. .. But.. I live in this house, I don't just stay here... I should help out around here... and mom keeps making me come in at 11 and I was like, 'boo hoo I get my self up i take myself to school i keep A's and I do everyting myself, you don't think I know when i need to come in and sleep?' and.. then I realized, I should respect them and come in side so it doesn't look bad... or disturb them.. But yeah. Cryed and.. just.. damn I've been so spoiled. If I'm going to be more then 30 minutes late, call. And if I go anywhere, ask and tell.. so yeah. I know my rules. ... so I was pissed.. and when Javi came mom said I had five minutes and I had a cigerate and was all ready to just light it infront of him, hand it to him and said he had to leave lol but mom pulled me in the house and said she'd give me another chance and he could stay, but only till 9. So.. I lite it up and handed it to him.. and then put it out before he was finished because smoke was getting in my face ^^. It got dark and we just was messing with each other, tickling.. and we walked and.. I tried to trip him and ended up popping my knee really bad and it hurts lol But I got him down and sat on him... umm.. not sure what I sat on though >_>' .. kinda didn't want to know.. ... but yeah.. we just chilled and talked.. his last name is different from christains.. and.. so is his retarded brothers.. he said his mother won't tell them why, she just wanted it that way they said. ..
Javi's getting in a fight tomorrow.. him and a couple of other guys... they are beating up these goths that socked punched them at a party in Bulldog town. They are doing this around 7:30 tomorrow night at a football game.. how great.
But yeah, .. went in the backyard a bit later and sat down and i was all rubbing his head and shit.. his head with eyes and ears and a mouth and nose.. that head. .. yeah. I made him move his chair infront of me and he had his head rested on my shoulder while i played with his hair.... but yeah. mom came out yelling it was time for him to go so..we went in the front and.. i was just standing there and he's too shy to hug.. he wanted to i think but didn't.. ha ha. He lets me do what i want with him.. but yeah.. have to make it short because mom wants me to rub here and i kinda hafta. Javi walked back down the street when I had to go outside to lock the gate.. he said I could just call him tomorrow since I couldnt make up my mind when i wanted him to come over and i said I wouldn't come over.. so.. .. i have his number... yep..
I dunno.. he is young.. shy.. tall.. 6'3... his lashes go down not out.. cute... big eyebrows.. ... ::sighs:: he ain't dreamy.. but.. hell.... I don't want a kiddy relationship and.. I've realized brook is full of shit and he stinks. He don't give a shit, he might, but he ain't mature enough to be putting me first so i din't really mean that much to him. Javi.. I want physical contact but.. I just.. i dont' want to screw things up with him and me but damn I mean 2nd day i was already touching him and now what day four or five and .. just.. gah.. what am i comming off as?

... I've already screwed things up i'm sure i've been meaning to talk to him.. but i'm tired off my ass, my knee hurts, i have to rub mom, i'm hungry and ... i need a shower and bed!

today we also, mom and me, counted my piggy bank money.. coins coins coins.. %54, wow... we are starting me a savings account tomorrow supposidly.

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