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:: 2005 12 December :: 6.48 pm

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 22 September :: 2.46 am

I give up. I'm sorry..

Just know that I love you, okay? I love you. I love you..

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 17 September :: 5.42 pm

I want to be with him, but I think old feelings for another are coming back. I can't do that to him..

Why did you do this to me? Why? I was letting go.. I was becoming happy with my life again. I was falling in love with someone who loves me back. I've been locked inside your cage for years, and I've finally squeezed inbetween the bars.. and instead of letting me go you lock me back up again.

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 1 September :: 8.36 pm

I've looked at my past entries carefully.. and I notice how stupid, how cliche, how immature they sound. I have a journal I write in. One with paper, bound in between two pieces of cardboard.. and within it's covers lie such deep, thoughtful musings. I wish I could write that way here, but I can't.. knowing that practically anyone, given the will and want to come and enlighten themselves about my life, can read this.. I feel the need to saturate my thoughts and write them in the manner I have in the past. I hate it, and I probably can help it.. maybe I don't want to. I don't know.

He told me I'm beautiful and he loves me. Two guys tell me they love me, now. One, I've chased for over a year.. another, out of the blue. What am I going to do, only my heart can decide..

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 25 August :: 10.30 pm
:: Mood: cynical

Sorry for the lack of updates..

So, I told * that I thought I was falling for someone.. and for whatever reason, he started fighting and being an asshole with me about it. What the fuck..? I thought he was my best friend, why the hell is acting that way? He HAS a girlfriend-- no, a fiancee. I chased after him for such a long time, if he wanted me he should of taken me then. Am I not allowed to date someone..? Does he just want me to chase after him and be misreble for the rest of my life?


television makes you buy it

:: 2005 12 August :: 6.29 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

I think I love him.

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 11 August :: 1.26 pm
:: Mood: GANG-STUR.
:: Music: Gangsta, whaaat.

Your Inner Gangsta by crash_and_burn
What is yo name?
Yo gangsta name beShazam, the Man
You ride around in a2004 BMW 530
Yo gangSeƱor Padre's Las Personas Malas
Yo shoes beRed and white Nike Dunk-Lows
Yo dubs be dis big, fool2,066
How much money you got?$7.65099816474924e+25
How gangsta are you, bitch?: 77%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 1 August :: 9.24 pm
:: Mood: calm

Lmao, my new userpic.

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 25 July :: 6.23 pm
:: Mood: unsure

Are we going too fast..?

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 2 July :: 6.19 pm
:: Music: Modest Mouse

I haven't updated in a while.. oops. I blame summer.

So.. I kinda met someone. Call it a hunch but I think he likes me? Maybe? Or am I getting my hopes up all of a sudden?

To be honest, the thought of having someone liking me scares me. I'm so fucking disgusting, fat and ugly, and I only have so much time before he's going to want to see a picture of me and well..
..I kind of like him too.

Showing him my picture = he'll stop liking me.

television makes you buy it

:: 2006 1 June :: 2.18 am

Yeah, I know my journal entries are boring.

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 25 May :: 9.14 pm

I've reached my weight "goal". I'm still going to work on it, though.. so, next year I'll work on getting.. 120-130.

In other news, I'm actually feeling kind of happy, for once. I think I'm finally letting go of him. I'm meeting a lot of new people--online and offline--, family life is slowly getting better, and I'm looking towards getting a job.

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 1 May :: 6.45 pm

I think it's time I start to move on.. I'm going to get nowhere if I keep chasing him when it's obvious he feels nothing for me.

Plus I'm getting the impression him and her don't even want me AROUND.

I'm sorry..? Sigh..

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 3 April :: 6.10 pm
:: Mood: crushed

..They're engaged.

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 25 March :: 3.09 pm
:: Mood: lethargic

Rest in peace..

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 11 March :: 11.08 pm
:: Mood: sad

One year from today, I'll be 18.

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 1 March :: 12.06 am
:: Mood: grrrrrrrrrr..
:: Music: Stupid Disney theme songs will NOT get out of my head.

Now I have a question. Why the heck do I check my e-mail over one hundred times a day? And why do I check it five minutes after the last time I checked it? Note to self: NO ONE IS SENDING YOU E-MAIL, AND IF YOU GET ANY, IT'S ADS FOR PILLS AND ENLARGING YOUR PENIS!

I like my penis how it is, thanks.

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 15 February :: 6.04 pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: Nine Inch Nails - We're in This Together

So.. him and I talked, and this time he seriously knew something was wrong. I had done alot of sulking and crying the last three days.. unable to shake this feeling whenever I thought of him. We talked for a long time.. what he told me surprised me. I saw a side of him.. I never saw before. I feel so much closer to him now.. I know he loves her, and I told him I'm okay with that. All I want him to do is to be happy.

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 12 February :: 11.11 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I told * my feelings for him. I did it. Him and I have gotten so close over the years, and I got this vibe he really liked me. He always seems so happy to see me, and he puts me before everyone else it seems. Him and I talk for hours and hours on end.. and when I realized my feelings for him were flourishing, I started to hope his was too. He asked me if I ever had a crush on him, and if so, who.. I told him yes and it was a secret {stupid}, so he asked me if I liked him. I denied it at first.. but when he asked again, I thought, "What do I have to lose? Maybe he does like me?".. so I told him. He then went from some really mature, supportive guy to a really immature kid, and gave me some childish responce. I would rather trip and land on my face and have people point and laugh than the feeling I got from that.. I ended up leaving.

I haven't talked to him since. I was wrong about how he feels.
I hate this..

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 12 January :: 5.54 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Speed of Pain - Manson

What goes up, must come down.. right?

television makes you buy it

:: 2005 1 January :: 12.53 am
:: Mood: bouncy


television makes you buy it

:: 2004 29 December :: 2.04 am
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

My Aunt Judy made me something for christmas that involved my late dog, Tizer. I broke down in tears and I've been in a depressed mode all night. I sort of feel bad.. since she made it with good intentions, and instead I cried, but.. I couldn't help it. I miss her too much and it hurts to think about the last time I saw her.

..I'm almost about to cry as I type this. Life can sometimes suck just a bit.

television makes you buy it

:: 2004 26 December :: 5.50 pm

That last entry isn't directed towards anyone, just.. sigh. This song makes me sad everytime I listen to it, yet even so it's still my favorite christmas song. That and the John Lennon one. I think I have a thing for sad songs..

My stomach has been hurting so bad, bleh.

television makes you buy it

:: 2004 25 December :: 11.47 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye. Tell me baby, do you recognize me? Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me. I wrapped it up and sent it with a note saying "I love you." I meant it.. now I know what a fool I've been. But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again..

television makes you buy it

:: 2004 23 December :: 3.12 am
:: Music: U2

So, because I'm a pathetic sap who sleeps all day, it's three in the morning. and I'm not tired. How cool is that?

Man, I was in a sad state of affairs a year ago. Maybe I still am, what with current events and such, but I expressed it more publicly back then. I was also much more vocabulary centered in my updates. Now I don't quite care anymore. But hey, at least I'm not typing like a retard. Typing correctly will pay off someday.

television makes you buy it

:: 2004 12 December :: 5.44 pm
:: Mood: apathetic

I'd like to think that all of this constant interaction is just the kind to make you drive yourself away. Each simple gesture done by me is counteracted and leaves me standing here with nothing else to say. Completely baffled by a backward indication that an inspired word will come across your tongue. Hands moving upward to propel the situation have simply halted, and now the conversation's done. There's no home for you here girl, go away. There's no home for you here. I'm only waiting for the proper time to tell you that it's impossible to get along with you. It's hard to look you in the face when we are talking, so it helps to have a mirror in the room. I've not been really looking forward to the performance, but there's my cue and there's a question on your face. Fortunately, I have come across an answer, which is go away and do not leave a trace. There's no home for you here girl, go away. There's no home for you here. Waking up for breakfast, burning matches, talking quietly, breaking baubles, throwing garbage, drinking soda, looking happy, taking completely stupid. Just go away.

television makes you buy it

:: 2004 5 December :: 8.40 pm
:: Mood: down

Maybe if I was thinner and prettier, he'd notice me. If I had cut and dyed hair, hot clothes, tan/dark skin, and so on.. he'd like me.


television makes you buy it

:: 2004 25 November :: 1.38 pm
:: Mood: sick

FREAKING AHH I don't know what I did, but my hand hit the keyboard and everything I typed went away. Curses.

But um, to recap.. I think.. I really don't like being sick. I can hardly breathe out of my nose, and my throat is on fire. Anytime I breath or cough.. pain. Feels like hot lawn furniture is being forced down my throat. sgkjdfgkjhk

television makes you buy it

:: 2004 17 November :: 5.33 pm
:: Mood: anxious

My room is all packed up.. it's sort of sad. I really liked living here.. it's been the first time in my entire life I've lived outside the city. I love the country so much, however.. any place is better than here.

So.. I've also decided. I'm closing in on 185 pounds. I think it's time I lose some weight. :\ By this time next year, I plan to be.. 145-150. I start un-fattifying myself tomorrow.

television makes you buy it

:: 2004 31 October :: 11.45 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: ughhhh

Lindsay's birthday is today. All she's done is TALKTALKTALKTALKTALK about HERHERHERHERHEHRET JE;ALKJ;LKJ.

On a lighter note, we're moving out of this hell hole. I haven't been this happy since March.. holy shit.

Oh, by the way. Happy Halloween, everyone! I'm off to watch my favourite moooovieee.

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