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:: 2011 7 December :: 12.25 am

"somebody has to like me best."

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:: 2011 2 October :: 1.13 am

this is all that i am!

i wish joe never wrote that story, because i keep getting this look from all the people who've read it and i don't want that look. for fuck's sake just stop identifying with me, you assholes, i'm trying to get past that point in my life, i was the same person before you read that story.

and i don't want to watch videos of daniel and jacob playing Blackbird together. and i know everyone knows i've dated both of them. and fuck

i'm talented as most fuck and i work hard as all fuck and i am more than these very small elements of my life, so let's just all mooooove on cause i can't do no more!

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:: 2011 16 September :: 2.47 am

i am only here because i need to say that

i have never worked so hard i am working

slept less than i am sleeping

drank more than i am drinking

and everything is going to be fine because i am me. just me and i can't be no more and i can't be no less.

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:: 2011 27 August :: 3.01 am

HAVING A COKE WITH YOU

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irun, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

—Frank O'Hara

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:: 2011 12 July :: 4.10 pm

EURYDICE
Suddenly nothing is as it was
Where are you now, Orpheus?
Wasn't it always the two of us
Weren't we birds of a feather?

HADES
Hey, little songbird, let me guess
He's some kind of poet - and he's penniless
Give him your hand, he'll give you his hand-to-mouth
He'll write you a poem when the power's out

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:: 2011 13 June :: 3.23 pm

oh my little darling

you won't be mine forever

you weren't made for me

you were made to be free

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:: 2011 6 June :: 9.00 pm

i've got to take the GRE.

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:: 2011 31 May :: 1.49 pm

last night i woke up from a dream reaching for you and when i found you i realized that when you go, i won't be able to sleep without you for a long long time.

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:: 2011 21 May :: 10.36 am

bbbbbllllllllleeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggg

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:: 2011 17 April :: 6.30 am

hm.

well i've just got to remember to breathe. this incessant headache will leave me soon and at dawn i will hopefully be asleep.

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:: 2011 12 March :: 6.18 pm

last night was a haze of cold cold cold, walking, an iron tin with a dangerous fire, line dancing, so many stars and dancing my poor brains out to the fritz beside ashlee jared joe gabbi mom and jonathan. i am so lucky. i know i'm a scratched record about this, but god damn i am so lucky.

and i don't want to have a girlgasm over this but for five years i have wanted this, outwardly and inwardly and last night in the freezing cold, my hazy memory is of jacob and myself reminding one another that we are always on the same team regardless of social complexities and unrest, and he said god damn, i have fallen completely in love with you, and i was lighting a cigarette and could see his face in the flame and i asked again: "jacob." "yes," "do you love me?" and i pulled inward on the cigarette he had rolled for me. "you stupid, beautiful girl, of course i do. you knew that before i did."

and then the two of us walked the long way back to the campsite, full but not too full of people and a warm fire and laughter, and you know what, if i wanted to be any happier i just couldn't.

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:: 2011 15 January :: 8.46 pm

HOLY!

what a fucking week! i'm sitting here under the influence of tons of post-op pain killers and i have a boyfriend and is name is goddamn motherfucking jake and EVERYTHING is coming up roses now.

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:: 2011 6 January :: 2.18 am

there's a bandenna on my bed a broken watch on my bathroom counter my bed smells like dirty hair and i wish you were here

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:: 2010 2 December :: 4.13 pm

WHY IS IT SO SCARY TO HAVE MY WISDOM TEETH OUT?!

I hate to say that I don't trust Joe to get me. I've asked Lise and I hope she can, but I really, REALLY wish that Ashlee were coming. I asked her and if she can get that day off work, I know that she will lovingly clean my puke if there is any, and coddle me until I am better.

Daniel would have helped me.

This is the problem when you give up a stable relationship-- you don't have many options for a ride home when you're going in for standard oral surgery. I don't feel comfortable asking many people to sit around in an ofice for 3 hours and take a woozy girl back to her apartment.

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:: 2010 16 November :: 11.05 pm

a morning filled with 400 billion suns
i fell asleep that night to the sound of your heart 20 feet away from me, your big upright bass in the middle of the night like a lighthouse for my soul to follow to shore.

i wish i could be mad at you but all i feel is tenderness. you are an ephemeral thing and i want all of you while i can have it.

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:: 2010 7 November :: 11.12 pm

I remembered a dream and it was awful.

He was asking me to come back and showing me his wallet, he said I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I want to marry you, look at how much money I made for us. It's just a start but please come back.

And I couldn't say ANYTHING.

Last night was terrible and tonight is worse. Please let this stop sucking.

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:: 2010 25 October :: 2.51 am

EURYDICE

Orpheus never liked words. He had his music. He would get a funny look on his face and I would say what you are thinking about and he would always be thinking about music.

If we were in a restaurant, sometimes I would get embarrassed because Orpheus looked sullen and wouldn't talk to me and I thought people felt sorry for me. I should have realized that women envied me. Their husbands talked too much.

But I wanted to talk about my notions. I was working on a new philosophical system. It involved hats.

This is what it is to love an artist: The moon is always rising above your house. The houses of your neighbors look dull and lacking in moonlight. But he is always going away from you. Inside his head there is always something more beautiful.

Orpheus said the mind is a slide ruler. It can fit around anything. Words can mean anything. Show me your body, he said. It only means one thing.

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:: 2010 23 October :: 4.37 am

i miss that stupid greasy hair the stubbled face and your one slightly wandering eye, that bloodshot patch on the white of the other eye, your gaptooth, the way you only wear t-shirts with your tiny gut pushing out from beneath. i miss having to explain the plot complexities of movies and tv shows, and i miss the way you don't understand my love of the office or the alfred hitchcock hour from 11-12 on the local station but support it nonetheless. i miss the way you could only cook mexican food and only wanted mexican food and sometimes meatballs or chicken curry. and i miss the way you saw me as all that was good in your world, your beacon of bright happy sunshine, that is until i took it and ripped it to shreds and made it so that you couldn't go more than two days without seeing whatshisface. whatshisface with his own brand of misshaveness, a scrawny frame filled with beer and the desire to be bukowski, but who laughed with me and challenged my brain and asked it to RISE to the occasion, which is something i cannot miss about you, because it is something you hardly ever did.

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:: 2010 17 October :: 11.24 pm

I am so lost and cannot shine in the land of darkness anymore.

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:: 2010 30 September :: 12.06 am

CROWDED LOUD BUSY DEATH at least i'm loved and never bored.

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