2009 24 November :: 9.18 pm
:: Music: nostaligic music
wow so long
so its been forever, havent done these things in so long. It was a trip reading back through all that i have been through. so much that i have shut out. so anyone reading this knows, i actually moved to florida. have been talking to my mom happily. I go to school at florida gulf coast university and i am seriously still as confused as i ever was.
here fgoes nothing, maybe i will keep up with this,....
2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |
2006 13 July :: 11.35 pm
sometimes you are granted the privelage of taing a step back and seeing yourself... maybe not literally in you but seeing something that just makes you realize soemthing that youve needed to see forever...and sometimes things can change and can grow and you can learn... because learning is so important... learning how to love and how to care and be with someone... to worry about them and pray for their success...im not sure what im even rambling about... but i know you understand... maybe im reading all the signs wrong... maybe there arent even any signs....whatever the case may be.... i saw myself today... and i saw myself loving you...
2006 1 June :: 10.05 pm
so its been a while since ive typed in here
alot of things have changed...
i guess daner and are closer... and went to see my mom in florida... and bonnaroo is in 2 weeks!!!
so me n danas anniversary i guess is officially september 7th haha
hmmmmm its tough trying to catch up on things when so much has changed.
just went camping in the cape with jimmy dana timmy jimmi christina stacie ryann sarah keri lindsey tristan and a bunch of other ppl it was fun lol
hmmmmm well idk right now thats about it
prom! haha daner and i went it was fun i love him
2006 12 January :: 9.50 pm
so yeah im cute..
i took dana out yesterday to dinner at a little italian restaurant in newton called appetito it was cute haha a little fancy tho! (i could barely say the names of the food haha)
well i had a good time, and he seemed to as well... i adore him...
2006 1 January :: 11.25 am
so i couldnt have spent new years a better way... i had such a good time being with him we just relaxed and played with eachother... i love it i love it when he touches me when he tells me things when he holds me when i fall asleep in his arms.
i love him.. and i know he loves me too..
sarahs party was fun i basically just sat with dana teh whole time but i finally had someone to kiss on new years! my first kiss of 06' horrrayyyyyyyy
well im lazy so ill write more later
2005 28 December :: 1.20 am
the best christmas present i could have recieved
the time we have had has been good-shitty. i look at the times when we first hung out and i remember maine too. i wish life was like the week in maine. at times i hate you i want to just leave you on the side of the road and drive off you make me mad at times. i wouldnt trade the times we have even though i hate the bad times. i like you and i cant hide it, but i'm just scared to "commit" to you. i care too much to take you, and then hurt you. but i never would do that to you. lol you told me to write that i care about you. lol no but really i do, and when your out with ppl i guess i am jealous. but when your with those kids i hate it. i get really jealous and i cant stand it, but who am i to say anything. i dont know anymore to say ive said alot. im sorry :( but i <3 you
2005 28 December :: 1.20 am
i love him.....
uhhh i probably shouldnt but i do...
and i somehow think he might love me too?
2005 7 November :: 7.57 am
MY DAD WALKED IN ON ME AND DANA!!!!!
2005 5 November :: 9.44 am
so shits kinda fucked...
im sick of people... and im sick of my emotions i wish i could hate you.. i wish i could get you out of my head i wish you werent all i think about i wish that you would treat me rigth and i wish we coudl be happy together...
well last night we went to the BU hockey game it was funnnnnnnnnn <3 ah...
2005 25 October :: 11.05 pm
I saw the stars begin to appear in the night sky, I counted each one and found one which shined brighter than the rest. I closed my eyes and made a wish. My mind rifled through millions of thoughts, and wants until it found my greatest wish. My dreams to become an actress. As I laid in my bed pondering my wish I somehow dosed off.
The morning sun peaked into my windows and woke me up. Just another day, and just another wasted wish. I went about my daily routine, ate breakfast, got dressed, and went to school. On my long walk home I thought some more about my dream, and decided maybe I should just give it up. What use was wishing on a star anyways? I arrived at my house to find a package on the front steps. It was addressed to me so I opened it. Inside the box was another box, and inside that another, and another and another. Finally I opened the last box and inside was the business card of a talent agency. Puzzled and excited I ran to my house phone and dialed the number.
A young woman answered the phone and explained to me what had been sent to me. They told me that I had been reffered to them by an unidentified source which told them great things of me. After meetings, and many delliborations they asked to fly me to Las Vegas. I packed up everything and left my entire life. I performed in small venues and plays making a substantial amount of money. But it wasnít enough for me. The hunger for fame and money enveloped all of my thoughts.
I found myself lost in my empty home, filled with glorious art, and trivial objects. 3 years had passed from that day, and Iíd yet to talk to my family, or any of the loved ones from back home. It was an empty feeling, but still I trucked on to fulfill my dreams. It wasnít long before a major production company heard my name. flown once again away to a new location. California was different, walking down the streets I felt out of place. I had come from a small town, and ended up in the lonely city of L.A. I didnít want to be alone anymore. As I walked the boulevard that night, I saw the stars begin to appear in the night sky. I counted each one and found one which shined brighter than the rest. I closed my eyes and made a wish, just like before, but this time I knew exactly what I wanted.
I fell asleep that night with such hope, and elevated expectations. The sun peaked into my windows once again and I woke up excited to see what my wish had to bring. But I didnít find another box, or any other sign. I didnít find anything, the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that. It was then that the reality hit me, I had received what I deserved, and felt more alone than ever.
2005 17 October :: 6.08 pm
i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
i need youuuu
were weirdos together.. i love it and were okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
itll be okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
2005 15 October :: 12.59 am
you dont have any worries
about where they are
or what they feel
cuz all that matters is that second
when you just laying next to eachother
and time just seems to fade off
like the rest of the world
when your together
the house your in could fall
and the entire world could be closing in
but when you turn to see their face
you forget and rember you safe
and how hes gonna keep the walls
from falling on you
even if the walls did come tumbling down
it wouldnt matter anyways
because what you shared in that second
is more precious
than any material possession
nothing else matters
you look around and see all the walls
and the world just burning
everyone running around crazy
and he grabs your hand
and walks you through it
on a path that has no bumps
then you relize your not walkin at all
your still in bed hugging
its been four hours
and hes still there
hours which passsed like seconds,
trailing off into a dusty bed of memories.
the superficial veil of a world
melts away under the blankets.
and your eyes closed now,
holding tighter to one another
you hear nothing
except his heart beat with yours
beating as one
and you feel something
greater than any feeling in the world
the feeling of knowing your wanted
something more powerful than hate,
and deeper than lust
something that cant be bought or made
someting that had to be shared
something thats pure
and never touched
your almost scared
its almost too much
but you listen,
and you flow along
with the cadence of the moment
like two parts of a song coming together
void when played alone,
together create music like no other
create an emotion
running deep within your veins
lost in a moment
looking in your eyes
i need your drug to live
you need to heal my addiction
Loving and the caring for that person
that you experience.
Their pains become yours, their joys are shared.
routine days become void without their smile
are empty without their kiss like a drug
like i need you to be sane
to be normal to feel right
you feel not real with out them
like your in a movie
like everythings just fake
and your living your days
waiting for them to return to the way they were
and every one is on fast forward
and you cant keep up
your falling down,
falling behind, everythings moving forward
as you regress
your slowing, and the worlds moving faster
spinning with no regards to you
and you need your drug,
you need you toxins to get by
like some one has erased only half of you
form the paper
you look down and you cant see your body
cuz he was you
taking what they wanted,
and leaving bewhind an empty shell
washed up on the shore
waiting till you gave them everything,
to take it all.. and leave you empty handed
building you up to let you fall so fast
your hurt is seen by all
a once hidden fear comes crying all too loudly
bleeding through your ears
like all the wasted time
and all the wasted words
all the night with out sleep cryin for him
something he'll never even hear
a cry heard only to those who have loved and lost
those who can embody you,
and feel your breaking heart
whove tasted the bitter salts of deciet
the tempting fireds of desire
and the sweet of sudden romance
but your too scared to tell them
so you put on a mask to hide for a while
a day at most so ppl will believe
that your fine
and can go on
your living your days alone,
when in a crowd of people
trusting no one
feeling empty in a room of smiling faces
the faces blurr,
and you cant see very well,
you dont know whats real
and what youve conceived inside your mind
what you want to believe
and whats really in front of you
you start to trip over your own feet
and right when your about to hit the ground
his hand grabs you pick you up
brush you off and walk away
in a haze you wave goobye
but as you do
some one new, fresh, comes up
and grabs his hand
the one you once held on to in the rain
and he smiles the same way he smiled for you
and your whole world goes black
suddenly he hits the pause button,
and holds my breaking heart in his hands
im frozen in this moment,
and i see an icey stare
that hovers over your expression
some sort of want some sort of need,
if you want to leave then go,
what tie holds you back here?
something must have called you,
something must have tempted you
did you see it in her?
did you feel it when you kissed her?
or did you see my eyes?
did you feel my skin
when you touched through taste
he came back for that moment
to let you know that he has moved on
and slowly puts your heart back on the ground
wet and slowly beating, not normal
does he not feel?
how could he turn you off like a tv
he has to know what feelings you felt
and how strong they were
your world slows down,
then suddening reverses,
you watch the words on the screen,
seeing your tears played out in movie form..
your rewound back trailing through time,
and suddenly its stops.
Loving and the caring for that person
that you experience.
Their pains become yours,
their joys are shared.
and again i need your drug to live
you need to feed my addiction..
2005 26 September :: 9.52 pm
everythings down the drain..
i love him...
i had the worst night of my life onm saturday...
everyone is fake, and i knew it all along.. but i guess i just forgive too easily.. im easily duped.. and im an idiot for even believeing that ppl can change..
we havent seen eachother in going on 3 days and its not that much but from going from being together everyday it sucks.. when all i do is shit i dont wanna be doing and i just think about if hes even thinking of me.. he didnt even call me back today like he said he would..
i wandered around in the rain..
2005 16 September :: 11.37 pm
so i havent updated in a long time.. school sucks like i dont think ive ever hated school this much.. but i hate it and i dont wanna be there.. but i decided what i wanna do with my life in a more realistic manner.. ill go to college for production and then produce myself ;-)
well i feel so amazed by having what i want.. i love it and i love being with him.. and its all so overwhelming
we fight every second but i wouldnt trade it for the world.. i love getting mad at him and then making up 5 seconds later..
write more later
2005 28 August :: 11.20 am
well.. scott left for college the 26th.. i havent updated in weeks.. cuz uh nothing really interesting has ben happening.. i guess i am alot happier now.. hm...
and uh i guesss thats it..
2005 14 August :: 10.28 pm
damn did i fucking miss you or whattttttttttttttttt
2005 1 August :: 12.29 pm
hmmmm well i had a horrible day yesterday and i didnt feel better until i finally got fucking high with dana thank god.. humph shit is getting fucked it feels like back in fucking school.. god damn i dont want to go back i hate it here i hate natick i hate this life..
2005 30 July :: 2.48 pm
i miss your arms around...
2005 25 July :: 5.11 pm
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sooo maine was fucking awesome :-) it makes me never want to come home to shitty natick ever again cuz its 50 million times betterrrrrrrrrrr ahh it was great jimmi had his own cabin so me dana and jimmi slept there lol jimmi got his own damn room lol and me and dana had to sleep on the damn pullout couch with a whole in the bottom lol but it was fun i went swimming in sebago lake "laid" on the docks stared at the stars wished ona shooting star.. roasted marshmellows n made smores.. drank some arbor mist with nancy and had girly conversations while paul was dressing dana with knives and guns to be a pirate lol i relaxed and just had a well needed stress relieving vacation away from natick.. "you are now ever maine: the way life should be"
NEW SONG <3
everyday is sadly the same
im waking up empty im feeling insane
your arms are around me but its like your not there
cuz you dont even love me, no you dont even care
if i turned to you and told you id stay
would you take me with you when you ran away?
when you left the life you hated here
when your done with the bad news the drugs and the beer
sip me baby itll all go away
ill kiss your sweet lips and then maybe youll stay
[i just wanna be your drug
cuz there goes another day..]
the time is wasted here in this town
try and speed up but you end up slowing down
you never said what you really wanted
silence speaks louder and its still haunting me
will you ever miss me will you need my touch
when your hands on the stick shift and your foots on the clutch
when your speeding away spewing sand in my eyes
will it hurt you to hold me as we say our goodbyes?
i, i just wanna be your drug
something you could rely on
i, i just wanna be your drug
something you need
but my days are wasted
2005 22 July :: 1.13 pm
Sometimes this beauty is choking me
but at least its your hands at my throat
Your lashes brush against my cheek
coupled with your breath on my neck
The world around you falls away and I will still be there
I know my words are like daggers but they cut me too
And I am sorry for all the fucked up things I say I didn't mean it
And I never realized that I can be what I hate
Lets be happy with what we have, enjoy the beauty in these days
Sometimes we'll laugh sometimes we'll scream no one said caring was easy
I know there was a time when emotions felt like pulling teeth
Sometimes I felt so souless I couldn't even look at me
It's pathetic to hate who you are and it feels like hell to change
But I'll be damned if I push you away
I remember when my dreams were dying
and I damned the sun, I damned the sun to pieces
I carved hateful thoughts into my chest
then you took my hand and nothing, no nothing has ever felt the same
2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX |