Though I love you and my body it leaks like a sieve.


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:: 2009 13 February :: 2.12 pm

Cats have nine lives, the saying goes. You have one; and somewhere along the thin, tenuous thread of your existence there is the black knot, the blood clot, the stopped heartbeat that spells the end of this particular individual which is spelled "I" and "You" and "Sylvia." So you wonder how to act, and how to be - and you wonder about values and attitudes. In the relativism and despair, in the waiting for the bombs to begin, for the blood (now spurting in Korea, in Germany, In Russia) to flow and trickle before your own eyes, you wonder with a quick sick fear how to cling to earth, to the seeds of grass and life. You wonder about your eighteen years, ricocheting between a stubborn determination that you've done well for your own capabilities and opportunities ...and a fear that your haven't done well enough. You wonder if you've got what it takes to keep building up obstacle courses for yourself, and to keep leaping through them, sprained ankle or not. Again, the refrain, what have you for your eighteen years? And you know that whatever tangible things you do have they cannot be held, but, too, will decompose and slip away through your coarse skinned and death-rigid fingers. So you will rot in the ground, and so you say, who cares? But you care, and somehow you don't want to live just one life, which could be tossed off in a thumbnail sketch: "She was the sort of girl..." And end in 25 words or less. You want to live as many lives as you can...



:: 2007 10 September :: 4.37 pm

i gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
You could've called if you'd needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked instead
And you let me down
It's one thing being cheated
But you took her all the way through your bed
And now you're coming home


:: 2007 7 September :: 11.14 pm

the average person daydreams every 19 seconds.


:: 2007 24 May :: 11.54 pm

"Oh you dear sweet girl. I do love you."


:: 2007 2 May :: 7.37 am
:: Mood: tired

right now i kind of feel like he's the only one who really cares.



:: 2007 28 April :: 7.20 pm
:: Mood: sad

i have to write this down before it drives me crazy.

im upset
and i hate it
because i feel like there is no good reason.

i just feel so helpless and alone. and i feel like when he moves he's just going to leave me behind and forget about me. and im so scared because i really like him... seriously.
i think its more than just an infatuation.
and god damnit.
i just wish he didnt have to move and that i could see him more.
and that i could have seen him last night.
i feel so bad about last night. so fucking bad.

but i dont know.. i just feel like i'm going to be stuck here with a broken heart while he's hours away, smiling and living on without even a second thought about me. i dont want him to forget me.
and i dont want to be this pessimistic, because i know thats not how it is.
and i want to know why i keep thinking this though.

when i'm with him, im happy.
and i love that.
and i dont have to worry about anything.
and i can be myself.
and i dont want to lose that.

i dont fucking know...

god, i feel like a jerk.

and i dont know what i should say to him.
or what i should do.


:: 2007 18 January :: 6.39 am
:: Mood: determined

i just want to see his face.

1 shot | bang

:: 2006 30 April :: 9.14 pm

there's one thing i have to say so i'll be brave
you were what i wanted, i gave what i gave
i'm not sorry i met you
i'm not sorry it's over
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save


:: 2005 25 September :: 8.29 pm

call the cars, fuck the stars

1 shot | bang

:: 2005 14 August :: 11.43 pm

Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you


:: 2004 25 April :: 6.01 pm

dont turn around, i'm sick and i'm tired of your face

4 shots | bang | Random Journal