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:: 2004 5 February :: 8.36 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Eraser - Smile Empty Soul

He's still ruining my life.

On February 1st i called my brother because it was his birhtday. We talked about what a lot of brothers and sisters talk about: what new rumors are going around school (him and i dont go to the same school anymore but just about everybody knows me and i like to hear what ppl are doing and saying), what hes been doing lately, what major events are happening soon, and what are the new dramas in the family (i am technically not a part anymore, the only person that i talk to on my dads side is my brother. i refuse to talk to anyone else). But this time it was a little different. He nearly came to tears while begging me to apologize to Dad for something that would be pointless for me to apologize about. He said that he knows that Dad wont apologize cuz ''Nothing is his fault." He said he knows that Dad had absolutly no right to do what he did to me, but Dads reason was because I Made Him do it. He said that he is tired of getting caught between all of my step moms and Dads arguments cuz of everything that Dad has to done to me.

Again, I feel that it would be pointless for me to apologize for something that i didnt do.

But I also feel that i have to save my little brother.


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:: 2004 20 January :: 6.08 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: tv in the background

dont look back... you can never look back
k well, this sux. cuz i think that i just pissed someone off. not that i am 'real good' friends with this guy, but me saying that i was different triggered somthing in him. "everybody says they are 'different'. everyone says they are 'unique'. if thats the new trend, i wanna be normal again."... dont get me wrong, I TOTALLY understand what hes sayin. but i do have a wild, crazy, WHO CARES personality. i am also an accident waiting to happen... dad.

If you would like to make a call, plz hang up and try again

:: 2004 5 January :: 5.31 pm
:: Mood: indescribable

::hey to those who care::
yeah, my last entry was quite long and i know that some ppl dont like to read a lot... so i am sry to bore you with that. i also apologize for all of my 'naughty' words. its just that some ppl really piss me off.

how do you feel about being back in school??? me: heh, it could be worse.

how do you feel about life??? me: its not worth living right now.

with that said - later


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:: 2003 30 December :: 8.10 am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: the stuff thats playing right now

two days ago my brother -shadoe- was over cuz he wanted to see me(we havent seen eachother in awhile) and my dad called my relatives house to see when my bro was gonna come back home. he told my dad that our grandma was on her way to pick him up and bring him home. my dad asked shadoe if i was coming to see him, so he relayed the message to me (i was lounging on the couch about 10 feet from the phone) and i said 'no'. my dad asked shadoe why, and i said cuz i couldnt see him unless somone was with me - a rule i made on my own-. my dad got pissed and hung up the phone so that he could call my mom and ask her what the deal was. so the next day my mom calls me and tells me that my dad called to talk to her. she said that my dad said that:
1)he talked directly to me over the phone. - i gave my brother the answers to tell to my dad so that i wouldnt have to talk to him on the phone.
2)i said that my mom wouldnt let me see him unless i had someone with me. - again, i made that rule for myself a while back.

--this might help--

mom: andrea made that rule for herself.
dad: why would she do a stupid thing like that?
mom: cuz she feels uncomfortable even talking to you.
dad: i never did anything to her to make her feel that way.
mom: uh, yea you did.
dad: like what?
mom: you were physically abusive towards her.
dad: Shadoe says the same thing... and i dont know where you guys get this bull shit from.
mom: well than you better talk to your wife.
dad: what the hell does luan have to do with this???
mom: as far as i know, luann was there on one of the occasions when you got abusive.
dad: Bull Fucking Shit!!! i have never gotten abusive.
mom: yeah right Michael! luann even said that if you ever hit her, she would kill you. and how is shoving your daughter into walls and on the ground, then pinning her arms, choking her, and hitting her not abuse.
dad: i never have done anything like that to her and i think that she should apologize to me for saying that i did those things to her.
mom: no, she feels that you owe her an apology.
dad: Fuck That!!! i can live my life with out her in it. fuck this, fuck her.

*click* yeah, my dads a real man huh. how can he say that he never did shit to me when i have had picks taken of the bruises, welts, cuts, stretch marks... and hanging up shows that he cant handle anymore of his shit thrown at him. GOD!!! if the fucking bastard dont want anything to do with me then why doesnt he just fucking disown me!!! i would even pay for the court visits and papers. theres goes my half million dollars that i was supposed to inherit... but i dont give a shit. as long as i dont have to ever worry about him. i am gonna have a grand time calling him and 'speaking' with him. i havent in a long time, and after this, i wont ever again.

If you would like to make a call, plz hang up and try again

:: 2003 13 November :: 7.54 pm
:: Mood: BLANK!!!!
:: Music: the other side - smile empty soul

well, i talked to my brother again today. he wants to move out here really bad but he says that he is afraid that it will hurt my dads feelings. i dont believe him though. i think that he is afriad that dad will get mad at him(and i dont see why he wouldnt wanna hurt dad anyways... i mean, how many times has Dad HURT us???). after i talked to my brother, i talked to my step mom. her and i havent talked for a long time because of one of the many problems that i have had with my dad. she asked if i really like it out here... i obviously said yes, but for the wrong reason. i told her that life was great even though i really dont know how life is. what is a great life? anyways, i got done talking to her and i started to talk to my brother again and he said that i had to talk to Dad. i said no and that if he put my dad on the phone that i would hang up. i really want nothing to do with my dad, i love him cuz hes Dad, but i hate everything he is. so i guess that he is gonna send me a letter. i swear to God that if he sends a letter about how he was right and that i should apologize, i am gonna kill him!!! when i fly out to michigan this winter i dont even plan on visiting him... i will hangout with my step mom and my brother but not if he is gonna be anywhere around me. anyways... i got off the phone and thats when the drama really started. my mom asked me why i personally wanted my bro to move back.... i told her that it was because i felt isolated from ppl my age. she was like "but you have a lot of friends. why dont you ever go to their house or have them come over here?". i said that i dont want to go anywhere or have anyone come over. she asked me why and i said that i dont wanna make REALLY good friends with anyone out here... She asked if i said that cuz i dont wanna betray my friendship with errca. i said "no, cuz errca told me to find someone to be able to tell everything to when i wasnt able to talk to her about stuff." my mom says that there is a reason why i am practically deciding not to make close/best friends with ppl. and i know what the reason is... its the same reason why i was afraid to go out with ryan... its the same reason why austen and i arent that great of friends anymore... the reason was created by my dad. and now that makes me hate him a little more. the Reason will never be healed... it'll continue to make be the way that i am towards other ppl. i guess that there is really nothing that i can do except for keep pretending.


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:: 2003 25 October :: 10.35 pm
:: Mood: down...
:: Music: bottom of the bottle - smile empty soul

nothing that important...
i am feeling down cuz i think that someone is spying into my life by sneeking into my buisness. i hate it when ppl do that... they obviously dont trust me... but hey, i am used to that.

to the persin getting on my journal and pretending that you arent :
you wanna know what... i am not as bad as a person as ppl *cough cough... my dad* tells you that i am... i dont lie as much as he says. yes, i have done some things that arent that great but its not like i am gonna get up and do them again... and when you hold those things against me, it pisses me off!!! you dont have to sneek around the way that you are doing... its just turning me more against you... and i dont wanna be mad at you... ok... just go back to being a role model... and i will continue to be your daughter. ok

If you would like to make a call, plz hang up and try again

:: 2003 24 October :: 6.03 pm
:: Mood: blah

please read errca...
Name:Andrea Lee Ignasiak... soon to be Ava Lee Staeven
Birthdate:June 25
Birthplace:Grand Rapids Michigan
Current location:Grantsburg Wisconsin
Eyes:brown/green... contacts-dark blue
Hair:light brown
Righty or Lefty:Righty
Zodiac Sign:Cancer
Your heritage:uhh.. Polish
Your weakness:Getting Tickled
Your shoes you wore today:pimp converse shoes
Your fears:Love, Getting old, Diseases
Your perfect pizza:Pepperoni and extra cheese... or a supreme DEEP dish
Goal you'd like to achieve:My goal physical appearance
Your thoughts first waking up:CRAP! i gotta wake up
Your best physical feature:Eyes... boobs (lol)
Your bedtime:930-11
Your most missed memory:My 'family'
Pepsi or Coke:Coke
McDonald's or Burger King:Burger King
Single or group dates:Depends
Adidas or Nike:Adidas
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:Lipton
Chocolate or vanilla:Vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee:Cappuccino
Cuss:when in fights
Take showers daily:yup
Have a crush:yup
Think you've been in love:UH-HUH
Want to go college:yup
Want to get married:yup
Believe in yourself:uhh... i think so
Get motion sickness:no
Think you're attractive:nope
Think you're a health freak:no
Get along with your parents:uh... i dunno
Like thunderstorms:yup
Play an instrument:yup
Layer.six - in the past months
Gone to the mall:1 time
Eaten an entire box of Oreos:0 times
Eaten sushi:0 times
Been on stage:0 times
Gone skating:8 times
Made homemade cookies:0 times
Gone skinny dipping:0 times
Dyed your hair:4 times
Stolen anything:0 times - ever..
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated:no
Been called a tease:YUP
Got beaten up:yup... by a 'man'
Age you hoped to be married:30
Number and name of children:2 girls - Erica and Tracey ; 1 Boy - Alex
Dream wedding:confidential
How do you want to die:In my sleep
Where do you want to attend college:Olympia (G.R. Michigan)
Dream job:Massage Therapist
Country you want to visit:Australia
Layer.nine - In a guy/girl...
Best eye color:Doesnt matter
Best hair color:Brown or dirty blonde
Short or long hair:Short
Height:5'8 - 6'0
Best weight:uhh...
Best clothing:anything but salvation army
Best first date location:Prolly the movies
Best first kiss location:Doesnt matter
Number of drugs taken illegally:0
Number of people I could trust with my life:1
Number of CDs that I own:Prolly 30
Number of piercings:5
Number of tattoos:0
Number of times my name's been in the news:1
Number of scars on my body:Way to many
Number of things in my past that I regret.:1

Layers brought to you by BZOINK!


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:: 2003 20 October :: 9.00 pm
:: Mood: numb... absolutly no feeling

this is so funny!!!

what do they really think of you by purple
lj name
your best friend thinksyou fancy her
your family thinkyou're a slut
strangers thinkyou give good head
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

lol... i crack myself up!

this would be cool...
F A M E by spazyspag
Youre famous for:Coming out of the closet while making your Golden Globe acceptance speech
You get famous:September 23, 2068
You make $$ per/year:$756,382,868,767,074
Do people like you?Everyone loves you
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

If you would like to make a call, plz hang up and try again

:: 2003 20 October :: 5.22 pm
:: Mood: happy

this last weekend i met a guy... he is really cool. but, guys cause most of my problem so i think that i am just gonna stay friends with him.

guys are losers... and they should learn to mature faster.

hey erica, i saw your guy on his webcam yesterday... lol...


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:: 2003 18 October :: 5.01 pm
:: Mood: happy


my best friend errca wrote me a poem.... aww... its so sweet... here it is:

Im responding to what you wrote to me,
to that poem that made me cry.
I miss you more and more my friend,
with everyday that passes by.

I can still remember that night,
when we had to say goodbye.
The pain in our hearts seemed to grow,
with every tear we cried.

We didnt want to let eachother go,
saying goodbye felt so wrong.
But I know your safe from danger now,
and we both have to be strong...

Cuz no one will ever keep us apart,
we are BEST FRIENDS till the end.
And we'll always have our memories....

...till we see eachother again.

*tears of joy* i feel loved.

thank you errca... :)

If you would like to make a call, plz hang up and try again

:: 2003 14 October :: 5.33 pm
:: Mood: PSYCHED

i get this thursday and friday off AGAIN!!! wahoo... i am going to rochester minnesota. its gonna be funn! :)

hey jess, i got you some stuff for christmas!
hey errca, i got you STUFF for christmas!
you all should love me!!!

i need to still by for alex, shadoe, jaeger, and my mom. then i will be done!!! wahoo...

tonight i am babysitting again... and that money is going to christmas funds... lol. i still need to find out exactly what alex was wanting. but i will call him later and find out. i hope that he isnt mad at me cuz i was supposed to call him last week and i never did. oops... he still loves me though.

everybody say hi to my mom!!! she is cool... and you all should love her! cuz i said so.

hmmmm, i found out that austen has liked me since the first day of school. i was sitting next to him in math today and we were doing our assignment....
austen:you are so pretty
me: *smile*
austen:and you have a pretty smile.
me:awww! *blush*
austen:whats the matter?
me: i am not used to ppl giving me compliments and really meaning it.
austen: well you better get used to it... cuz you have a lot more soming.
me: oh...
austen: oh??? this coming from someone that flirts with me all the time.... that i have liked since the first day of school... since the first time i saw you.
me: OMG!!! fer real??? that is so sweet...
austen: heh.
me: *silent*
austen: wats the matter?
me: nothin
austen: i know when something is the matter... hmmmm, you are worried about something.
me: heh... ya
austen: wat are you worried about?
me: a lot of things
austen: you know that you can tell me.

then i listed out a few of the tings that worry me... including likeing someone, cuz i dont wanna have a major thing for a guy cuz all they do is let you down.

guys, in my opinion, are the leading cause of depression and suicide. wat do you think?


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:: 2003 10 October :: 5.42 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

this is more directed towards erica than anyone else... but y'all can still respond
hey... wats up. i am so pissed off at brad and his little ho that is probably dicked whipped by him!!! grrr... you probably have already found that out though if you(erica) read your journal. ppl DO NOT talk to my best friend like that!!! crap like that doesnt float on my lake... lol. well, i love you erica (dnq) and i cant wait till i come back out to michigan this winter!!!


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:: 2003 9 October :: 11.19 am
:: Mood: bouncy

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

~*~ COOL! ~*~
see ppl... practice does help... lol

If you would like to make a call, plz hang up and try again

:: 2003 4 October :: 1.09 pm
:: Mood: crappy

today my mom should be getting a letter in the mail from my school saying that i was disruptive in class... and then i am gonna get into trouble.

heres what happend:

on thursday in math i asked my good friend austen if i could use his math book to get started on the assignment, he said what, and then i asked him again. but in the middle of me asking again, my teacher turned around and said "austen, quit talking"
austen said that he wasnt talking... and then my teacher said "i didnt ask for your comment". i said "dont yell at austen because i was the one that was talking"... but my teacher didnt listen to me and kept yelling at austen... finally austen got sent to the office for not cooperating. i got into an argument with my teacher about how it wasnt austens fault and then he said that he didnt want to talk about it... throughout the rest of the hour there were a whole bunch of other ppl talking... so when the teacher had the class work on their assignments i asked why he picks and chooses students. he said that he doesnt and that he yelled at austen cuz he wasnt facing the front of the room earlier... and i said that he was lying cuz he was yelling at austen for talking, which he wasnt doing, i was. and anyways i got tired of my teacher changing the subject so i asked if i could leave and go into mr johnsons room, the teacher said that i couldnt. so i finished my assignment (while the freshman were talking) and sat there and said "i bet you if i start talking i will get into trouble and have to leave"... so my teacher sent me out of the room into mr johnson classroom and i was talking to him about how folz(my teacher) chooses his favorite students and how there are only a few ppl that he decides to yell at when they are talking but it is okay for the rest of the class to talk. and mr johnson agreed cuz we could hear the class talking all the way into johnsons class. so mr johnson set up an appointment for me to be able to talk to the principal the next day.

so on friday during first hour i went down to the office... and to my suprise mr folz was in there. he wrote up a stupid report about me only cuz i brought him to the principals attention. so now i am probaly getting it in the mail today. mr folz knows that my mom thinks that he is a good person cuz i told him that... so he is hoping that i get into trouble and not have anything be brought upon him.

i am so mad!!


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:: 2003 3 October :: 6.14 pm

somehow someone knows my email addy and my password and they keep getting on my msn messanger and deleting or blocking my contacts!!!! perdy scary...

i dont feel good right now, my stomach hurts really bad all of a sudden... :( sad.

and i think that i shall be going so that i can go take some allegra for my allergies.



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:: 2003 28 September :: 12.25 pm
:: Mood: irritated

hello, heres the deal. today i went shopping and i found a whole bunch of clothes that i wanted, the thing is that i also went shopping the day before and spent all my money. I was told that i was punishing myself by "awwing" over the clothes that were just out of my reach. finally i decided that i would leave and come back another day when i had some major money.

fashion is such a major thing to me... what would i do with out it.

hey erica, when i come back out to michigan this december, i want to go to good will to buy some messed up clothes so that we can come up with our own styles. great funn.

and dont you just hate it when your parents are like, "ooh, (your name), this is nice!"... you say "yes" but in the back of your mind you are thinking 'you can wear it and look like a nerd'.


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:: 2003 26 September :: 5.26 pm
:: Mood: annoyed

hey ppl... i am sad becauz i dont think that i am gonna be able to hang out with troy tonight. here are my reasons...
1) erica never sent out my dress that i had asked her to about 2 weeks ago... *its ok, i still love you*
2) my dad never sent out any of my stuff, which would include two of my other dresses and my shoes

i didnt really wanna go anyways... i wanted to hang out with troy. but i prolly wont be able to do that cuz my mom has me on a really short leash. she is drving me crazy and its pissing me off. why cant parents realize that they "babies" grow up and need to get out and experiance things on their own?


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:: 2003 25 September :: 5.25 pm
:: Mood: weird

hey... wats up... nothing here. just sittin around. i have to babysit tonight, other wise i would be going to the school bonfire... IT IS SOOOOOOOOOOO BIG! :D... but i cant. its all good though.

i am going through a phase right now that iam quite fmiliar with... the whole feeling sad thing... depressed... BLAH! i feel like crying... but i cant....

luvz ya... bye!

If you would like to make a call, plz hang up and try again

:: 2003 24 September :: 5.48 pm
:: Mood: sad

...this isnt good...
ok... the bad stuff first. there was a school shooting about an hour away from my house. a freshman was getting teased by peers, so he shot another freshman and he killed a senior! poor ppl :'(

now bad news about me:
1) i forgot to bring my pill to school today to take it!!! :( NOT GOOD!
2) i am on a few different meds now, and hwen i take them i start breathing fast!!! SCARY!!!!
3) i miss everybody out there (there meaning mich)
4) i dont think that troy likes me like "that" yet... <--- yes, i said yet.
5) i dont have a dress for homecomming! ERRCA!... but its ok, i still love you. i aint going to the dance anyways.


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:: 2003 22 September :: 5.43 pm
:: Mood: Psyched

GUESS WHAT GUYS!!!! i am going to homecoming with Troy!!! WA-HOO!!! but my mom doesnt know cuz she thinks that he's a very bad person... he's no worse than i was when i lived out there. was i seriously that bad though??? oh-well, I AM GOING WITH TROY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D


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:: 2003 20 September :: 3.36 pm
:: Mood: Crazy in Love

EEEK... thank you so much for talking to him jessica.... you so made my day!!! :D :D :D :D... i am so happy and when i get off of the comp. i am gonna call him, but i am gonna wait for erica to get back on cuz chel told me that she got off cuz dusty went to her house. i am psyched... cool. I love you so much!


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:: 2003 14 September :: 9.15 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: into you~fabolous

i wish i knew what he felt
i wish that he would quit gettin into trouble
i wish that we could grow up,
and start that happily ever after thing
but then again...
these are only wishes
and wishes dont come true


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:: 2003 13 September :: 7.34 pm
:: Mood: depressed

hello.... wat is up??? nothin here.. just sittin here. today i went shopping and got something fer erica... i found out that i was going to go Major christmas shopping for peeps, so i am looking forward to that. whoopy!... -eh-

i was once told that it is better to have loved, than to have not loved at all.
but why??? i mean... loving leaves your heart crying and torn. if you dont love at all you can still flirt and have infatuations... right? wouldnt ppl much rather have that?
unless... EVERYBODY was guaranteed to be loved back by the person that they loved...

and then love is very confusing as i have just showed you... so wats the use.


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:: 2003 8 September :: 10.27 pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: ... all by myself, dont wanna be, all by myself, anymore...

hey ppl that take time out of their busy day jsut to check up on my boring life... thanx. i am feeling really bad, i dont know how to describe it... its just REALLY bad. i feel like just bawling my eyes out for no reason at all, or picking up the computer and throwing it across the room untill it breaks. i feel so alone and scared and hateful. I dont know if i am feeling this way cuz i am finally realizing that i am for really living here... or if it is because i am not taking my prozac anymore. i feel really bad cuz my mom is afraid that if i get the chance i am gonna move back, and i dont know how to tell her that i really want to and that i do plan on it. it is gonna totally crush her. and i dont want to hurt her. i wish i knew what to do. i am very sorry that this is long... and i thank you for taking time out of your day for reading this... i luv you guys very much.


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:: 2003 2 September :: 5.47 pm

GUESS WHAT!!! i am flying out to michigan!!! all by myself!!! my mom is paying for my ticket!!! YAY!!! (vrooom)

*** by the way... what day is the new years all nighter???

luv you guys & girls


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:: 2003 30 August :: 10.25 am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: anything playing right now on MTV

hello, mall of america was fun i guess. it would have been funner with you guys though. and if i had money... well, i had money but i am saving it for christas gifts for people.

I AM FREEZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you would like to make a call, plz hang up and try again

:: 2003 28 August :: 9.44 pm
:: Mood: crushed

hello... how are you... it is so lonely out here in wisconsin... there is only two things that i am really looking forward to...
1) i am going to the mall of america this friday
2) i am coming back to michigan this christmas to visit everybody.

get this...
my dad told dawn that i had to move back with my mom because i was getting into a lot of trouble! K... so he lied and he totally left out the part that i threatened to call the cops on him for abusing me... thats why i am back here... stupid dad... i dont even think that he is my dad anyways... i did that whole genetics thing that they teach you in school... there was like a zero percent chance he was my dad.

I miss all of you guys out in michigan... luv you... and hope to see you in December!


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