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:: 2007 17 September :: 12.30 am
:: Mood: I'm internally screaming and ripping at my flesh
:: Music: Stabbing Westward - What Do I Have To Do?

I'm losing it.
I'm really losing it.
I'm stumbling closer and closer to my breaking point.
I think I'm going to fall.
And I can hear the laughter of lunacy escaping my lips.
While my ears are about to burst from the screams ricochetting inside my head.
My whole body is in agony.
I can't take this.
I think I'm going to vomit.


For me

:: 2007 16 September :: 11.53 am
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - The Noose

I don't feel..
I don't feel like I'm a part of anything anymore.
I don't feel like I have a meaning or purpose anymore.
I don't feel like any of this does..

So what do you do with the meaningless..?

[Get rid of it]


For me

:: 2007 12 September :: 2.34 pm
:: Mood: hopeless
:: Music: Deftones - Passenger

I can't.
I just can't do anything right anymore.
I'm ruining everything.
Why can't I just shut my fucking mouth and go through the motions?


2 hugs | For me

:: 2007 1 September :: 11.01 pm
:: Mood: Like that little star getting sucked into oblivion
:: Music: Evanescence - Give Unto Me

It's not that I don't have anyone I can talk to
I have everyone to talk to
But I don't have any I feel like I can talk to
Not about this.
I don't have anyone
And I have everyone in the world.
Anyone I want
Just not the one I want
The one I need


For me

:: 2007 10 May :: 9.16 am

So yeah.
Life's amazing right now.
Not really.
I don't know.
But I want this rift between Emily and I to go away.
I don't know if she knows it's there, but it's there
I mean, I don't want to take away from her friendship with Naomi.
I just don't like feeling so distant from her.
And my mom needs to grow up.

1 hug | For me

:: 2007 25 April :: 6.00 pm
:: Mood: =/
:: Music: Raver's Fantasy - Tune Up!

So it's my birthday tomorrow.
And there's a possibility that I might not see my Muffin.
Surprise surprise.
I don't really feel like having a birthday anymore...
It's just...
I just can't shake the feeling that nothing is going to go the way I want it.
That it's just going to be shitty.
Like last time.

3 hugs | For me

:: 2007 8 April :: 12.13 pm
:: Mood: Happy/Well-fed
:: Music: VNV Nation - Beloved

Hey you!
Happy Easter!
I'm gonna go get Malic an Easter basket now.
Love you guuuuise!!!

For me

:: 2007 6 April :: 3.42 pm
:: Mood: Yeah, okay
:: Music: VNV Nation - Dark Angel

The Queen of Bitch Moves and Keith's obsession
LotusLE98 (2:32:51 PM): Weee
deathbyjisatsu (2:33:39 PM): Hiiiiiiiiiiii
LotusLE98 (2:33:45 PM): Hiiiii
LotusLE98 (2:36:49 PM): Hm, how many vnv songs do you have
deathbyjisatsu (2:37:01 PM): 34
deathbyjisatsu (2:37:08 PM): I don't think it's all of them though
LotusLE98 (2:37:10 PM): yea
LotusLE98 (2:37:15 PM): Let me weed out my duplicaters
deathbyjisatsu (2:37:17 PM): VNV's site says they have 35
LotusLE98 (2:37:20 PM): They have more
LotusLE98 (2:37:25 PM): Remixes, anyways
deathbyjisatsu (2:37:29 PM): Yeah
LotusLE98 (2:43:26 PM): Aweoms
LotusLE98 (2:43:28 PM): w
LotusLE98 (2:43:31 PM): Awesome*
LotusLE98 (2:43:31 PM): XD
LotusLE98 (2:43:35 PM): I'm getting a new computer
LotusLE98 (2:43:36 PM): For free
LotusLE98 (2:43:40 PM): Well, it's not *new*
LotusLE98 (2:43:41 PM): New to me
LotusLE98 (2:44:15 PM): So I'll now have an extra to run for specific things only
deathbyjisatsu (2:45:00 PM): ....?
LotusLE98 (2:45:35 PM): lol
deathbyjisatsu (3:31:32 PM): Keith
LotusLE98 (3:31:35 PM): yo
deathbyjisatsu (3:31:46 PM):
srpgoaliegurl (3:30:32 PM): but i didnt do anything

srpgoaliegurl (3:30:40 PM): we hung out thats all

srpgoaliegurl (3:31:15 PM): he was the one that was rubbing my leg and grabbing me and hugging me

srpgoaliegurl (3:31:19 PM): i didnt do anything

srpgoaliegurl (3:31:23 PM): i have brittany
LotusLE98 (3:31:53 PM): Bull shit
LotusLE98 (3:32:00 PM): I didn't touch or grab or hug her
deathbyjisatsu (3:32:13 PM): I know
deathbyjisatsu (3:32:16 PM): She's trying to save face
LotusLE98 (3:32:25 PM): In the mall when I was sitting on the ground, with her and sarah, I grabbed the bottom of her jeans and tugged, that's it
LotusLE98 (3:32:30 PM): and that was just figiting
LotusLE98 (3:32:33 PM): Not sexual in the least bit
deathbyjisatsu (3:34:37 PM):
deathbyjisatsu (3:32:53 PM): I don't believe that.

deathbyjisatsu (3:33:48 PM): So I'm going to end this conversation right now before I put you in tears

deathbyjisatsu (3:33:54 PM): Bye
LotusLE98 (3:35:26 PM): LotusLE98 (3:34:43 PM): Not she's telling Jade that I was the one "flirting"
LotusLE98 (3:34:45 PM): now* (3:35:00 PM): yeah she sent it to me, too
LotusLE98 (3:34:57 PM): ..
LotusLE98 (3:34:57 PM): LAWL (3:35:06 PM): she's trying to save face.
LotusLE98 (3:35:33 PM): Haha, you both said Save face
LotusLE98 (3:36:23 PM): <3 Jade
deathbyjisatsu (3:36:49 PM):?
LotusLE98 (3:36:50 PM): <3
LotusLE98 (3:36:51 PM): xD
deathbyjisatsu (3:36:57 PM):?
LotusLE98 (3:36:59 PM): just
LotusLE98 (3:37:00 PM): <3
deathbyjisatsu (3:37:53 PM):
srpgoaliegurl (3:37:14 PM): but i didnt do anything...

srpgoaliegurl (3:37:29 PM): but whatever if u want to b mad about something i didnt do whatever

srpgoaliegurl (3:37:31 PM): bye jade
LotusLE98 (3:38:02 PM): ~.~
deathbyjisatsu (3:38:15 PM):I know!
LotusLE98 (3:38:18 PM): lol
deathbyjisatsu (3:38:20 PM):Like, wtf?
deathbyjisatsu (3:38:28 PM):Fuck her.
deathbyjisatsu (3:38:48 PM):Is she still online or did she block me/
LotusLE98 (3:39:15 PM): No idea
LotusLE98 (3:39:16 PM): I blocked her
LotusLE98 (3:39:19 PM): Yesturday
deathbyjisatsu (3:39:53 PM):Whatever, fuck her
deathbyjisatsu (3:40:01 PM):If she wants to play liar with me
deathbyjisatsu (3:40:03 PM):Fuck her
LotusLE98 (3:40:09 PM): Yea
LotusLE98 (3:41:00 PM): Hm
LotusLE98 (3:41:02 PM): I think this calls
LotusLE98 (3:41:04 PM): For..
LotusLE98 (3:41:06 PM): SABRINA
deathbyjisatsu (3:41:16 PM):xD Wtf?
LotusLE98 (3:41:19 PM): Dude
LotusLE98 (3:41:22 PM): You don't understand
LotusLE98 (3:41:26 PM): I love Sabrina the teenage witch
LotusLE98 (3:41:27 PM): xD
deathbyjisatsu (3:41:31 PM):xDDD
LotusLE98 (3:41:39 PM): No, it's like.. beyond love
LotusLE98 (3:41:40 PM): xD
LotusLE98 (3:41:46 PM): I record every episode
LotusLE98 (3:42:03 PM): There are 2 on weekdays (4 and 4:30pm), 0 on saturday, 4 on sunday
LotusLE98 (3:42:05 PM): lol


4 hugs | For me

:: 2007 17 March :: 5.24 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Tool - Rosetta Stoned

This week has been the worst ever
I just want to scream my guts out, rip all the remaining hair out of my scalp and dive through a fucking window.
Jesus fucking Christ..
Just shoot me in the face already
Get it fucking over with

For me

:: 2007 14 March :: 3.36 am
:: Mood: Crushed
:: Music: Stabbing Westward - Shame

I'm so stupid.
I'm the stupidest person that ever existed.
I deserve to fail
And I deserve my mother's contempt
And I deserve my father's neglect
And I deserve Mark's abuse.
Because I'm so stupid.
I'm so, so stupid.
And I hate it

For me

:: 2007 13 March :: 9.58 pm
:: Mood: Depressed
:: Music: Stabbing Westward - Shame

I can't do this anymore
deathbyjisatsu (9:44:14 PM): My mom is so annoying
Lucifer Ann (9:44:24 PM): Orly?
deathbyjisatsu (9:44:41 PM): "Have you ordered the phones yet?"
deathbyjisatsu (9:44:49 PM): "No. I've been really busy"
Lucifer Ann (9:44:58 PM): Lawl
deathbyjisatsu (9:45:47 PM): And I'm thinkin "Oh gee. I know. It takes forever to send a little email saying we want this phone, this phone, and this phone."
deathbyjisatsu (9:46:28 PM): I'd take her less time to do that than it would for her to go outside and chain smoke while reading some pointless mag
deathbyjisatsu (9:46:45 PM): I didn't say that to her because I didn't want to get in a fight
Lucifer Ann (9:46:57 PM): Truth
deathbyjisatsu (9:46:56 PM): So I asked her if she'd like me to do it
deathbyjisatsu (9:47:06 PM): And she said "I need to find his email"
deathbyjisatsu (9:47:20 PM): And I asked her if Mark had it
deathbyjisatsu (9:47:29 PM): And she was all "No!"
deathbyjisatsu (9:47:57 PM): So I said "Well, surely Mark has his number, I'll call Mark, and call the guy and tell him what phones we want"
deathbyjisatsu (9:48:01 PM): And then she blows up at me
deathbyjisatsu (9:48:15 PM): I can't even fucking talk to her anymore
deathbyjisatsu (9:48:40 PM): And here I was
deathbyjisatsu (9:48:43 PM): Being the mature one
deathbyjisatsu (9:48:53 PM): And not naggin her for not doing
Lucifer Ann (9:48:57 PM): =/
deathbyjisatsu (9:48:54 PM): it
deathbyjisatsu (9:48:59 PM): But offering to do it for her
deathbyjisatsu (9:49:03 PM): What the fuck?
deathbyjisatsu (9:49:37 PM): I can't wait until I don't have to live under her roof anymore
deathbyjisatsu (9:50:14 PM): She's gets harder to fucking live with and deal with as I get older
deathbyjisatsu (9:50:25 PM): Hell, Mark's easier to deal with than her at this point
deathbyjisatsu (9:50:57 PM): I can't even carry on a normal conversation with her without feeling like I'm sucking up to her now
deathbyjisatsu (9:51:08 PM): That's how bad it is
deathbyjisatsu (9:51:39 PM): It's like she'd perfer it if Asja and I weren't seen nor heard
deathbyjisatsu (9:51:51 PM): Always did everything we were supposed to
deathbyjisatsu (9:51:56 PM): Got straight As
deathbyjisatsu (9:52:00 PM): Never did anything wrong
deathbyjisatsu (9:52:30 PM): There is no room for error with her
deathbyjisatsu (9:52:49 PM): When that's all her life has fucking been
deathbyjisatsu (9:53:02 PM): I hate how she makes me feel worthless
Lucifer Ann (9:54:12 PM): <3
deathbyjisatsu (9:54:09 PM): I hate how now that I'm not some depressed mute who has no friends and who always gets good grades I'm not good enough anymore
deathbyjisatsu (9:54:33 PM): Suddenly, I'm not acceptable
deathbyjisatsu (9:55:39 PM): I hate this Emily
deathbyjisatsu (9:55:52 PM): I wish I were 18 this April instead of 17
deathbyjisatsu (9:56:00 PM): I don't think I can take another year of this
Lucifer Ann (9:56:29 PM): Just try, dear =/


For me

:: 2007 2 February :: 9.25 pm
:: Mood: a square surrounded by triangles circles and stars
:: Music: Astral Sleep (?) - Angel

And another thing.
I don't really feel like I belong anymore.
I don't feel like I fit in with Emily and what's left of the posse anymore.
I don't feel like I fit in with Bill and Adam and their cohorts.
And I don't fit in with Malic, Dylie Josh and the "Family" either.

I'm not as tame as Emily and them
I'm not as out there as Bill and Adam and them.
And I'm not a raver
And I don't enjoy parties.
And I'm not social or out there.

So fuck it.
If bore you or disappoint you for you then go find another Jade.
Cause I'm tired of everyone making me feel like I need to change because I'm not good enough, whether or not you realize you're doing it.


4 hugs | For me

:: 2007 2 February :: 9.06 pm
:: Mood: sleepy/depressed/sad
:: Music: Assemblage 23 - Let Me Be Your Armor

I went to the mall last night.
And I bought a lot of cute clothes.
Mostly gothic lolita stuff from Rave and Forever 21.
But there was this one item that my mom told me I just "had to have"
And it reminds me of a gray Inspector Gadget trench coat.
Now all I need is that hat and my favorite pair of jeans.
And I'll be the sleuth of the town.
And it'll be awesome.

On another note I'm really tired of being treated like a child.
"Well, if you don't want to be treated like a child, don't act like one."
Well, you know what?
I follow my own rules.
And that's what adults do.
Outside of the law, they really don't have to answer to anyone.
And I want that.
Well... Maybe not even that much freedom.
I just want to be able to sleep in Diego's arms without someone telling me that it's wrong.
That it's not proper.
Fuck proper.
Since when are my mother and Mark the authority on PROPER?
Fuck the "I'm the parent" bullshit
Don't expect me to live by morals that you yourself don't live by.


2 hugs | For me

:: 2007 25 January :: 10.05 pm
:: Mood: resentful
:: Music: Sero.Overdose - For You

Got a question for you.
When was the last time you said "Come on, let's go do something together. Just you and me. I really want to spend time with you."?

Let's see if you can answer that.
Because I surely can't.


For me

:: 2007 25 January :: 9.20 pm
:: Mood: resentful
:: Music: Seven Mary Three - Cumbersumb

WTF is WRONG with her?!
MAKE me come stay with her at MARK'S HOUSE?!
What the fuck?
She gives him another chance
She considers/leans towards moving back in with him
When I'm supposed to get a chance to enjoy myself?
When I'm supposed to be able to relax?
When I'm supposed to be able to be somewhere I feel AT HOME at?!

And somehow doing THIS is doing the right thing for our family?
You have never done the right thing for this family!
All you have ever done is in the pursuit of your own happiness!
And it's always fucked us over!

Fuck you!
I hate you!

For me | Random Journal