<center>pathos

:: 2008 2 June :: 10.21pm

I'm thinking of moving away.

I don't know where to, I just want to leave.

1 = | +

:: 2008 2 June :: 7.44pm

I didn't say it would be easy.. I said it would be worth it.

:: 2008 1 June :: 9.48am
:: Mood: tired as fuck

MSI
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways...
1. touching Jimmy Urine <3
2. getting a signature from Kitty <3
3. playing faggot <3
4. playing never wanted to dance (which I had in my head all day) <3
5. well... everything pretty much. it was the best concert ever.

:: 2008 29 May :: 6.53pm

three and a half days until high school is behind me

2 = | +

:: 2008 28 May :: 11.40pm
:: Mood: down and broken

I can't.
He left this morning for North Carolina. 5 days shouldn't feel so bad but yesterday feels like light years from now and it's like I've been away from him for all eternity. The empty missing feeling grows and grows and I feel like there's an oval-shaped hole in my middle. It's gushing blood and I'm screaming for help but no one can hear me... Because yesterday was just yesterday and not light years away... so I have no logical reason to feel this way.
love isn't logical.

I can't fix it.
I can't help.
I can't be the friend I once was.

Here I am crying about not being with Ryan and here you have no one.

I'm selfish and empty. I want my best friend back.

Sometimes it feels hard to call you that. I mean... I want to, you just probably don't. I know how you like people who spend time with you to be your best friends. And here I can't only I want to so bad.
And then there's Anna. I can't be her best friend because she doesn't want to be mine.

It's like I'm screaming for someone who won't ever be there.
Again, I'm selfish... But I really want a best friend.
And no one is it.

1 = | +

:: 2008 28 May :: 9.16pm

I miss me...

I miss so much about me.. I miss the way I used to look... The way I used to feel... The way I used to think...

Now I'm just bitter and cynical and I hate everything and everyone... And It's so disgusting... I do horrible things when I'm alone. I make bad choices and I do things that would hurt everyone... I just don't know where I went...

I feel like the second I left Spokane the first time is the second I let go of everything that was good about myself. All I do is tease people here... And make them feel horrible about themselves. I just point out their faults and never give them an inch to make mistakes.... What am I doing? I'm not helping anyone when I'm like this...

But I don't remember how to be the way i was. I've been hurt so much, by me and by others. I'm just so stupid to think I was getting better. If anything I've become a person that I would have hated...

Come to think of it.. Jason was a lot like me. And I really do think I hate Jason on some level. Every time I was with him he made me see everything that was wrong with me in him. He was just like me, cold, heartless and doing bad things, but not caring. He had lost any semblance of justice or goodness. He was just a hollow person hiding behind some ideology to make himself feel better about the person he had become... I don't really have anything to hide behind, I just fake ignorance to the bad in me. I just don't acknowledge it as a character flaw...

But now when I'm really honest, the whole of me is a flaw. I've lost all my beauty and I hide behind my hair dye and my makeup and my tattoos, hoping that somehow, everyone will be fooled by this fakeness I build up on the outside of myself. I don't know if I have anyone fooled except myself, but no one here has said anything about it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore...

I've been searching since I've moved to Bellevue for something that makes me happy. For something to take up my time and to help me forget about all the bad things that have ruined my heart... And everything I try feels so fake. It makes me feel guilty. I try to fill my body with art, I try to build things, to cook, to bake, to paint... All those things make me happy, but they all make me feel fake and guilty. I feel like maybe I shouldn't enjoy these things. Maybe I'm just trying to be normal...

Maybe I am just normal and I can't deal with it. Being bad is easier than being normal. But my friends here all assure me that what I do is normal. And that I'm just like everyone else my age... But why don't I feel 20? I feel like I've lived forever and I'm just waiting to die so I can go and burn in Hell.

I feel so stupid saying these things... But I don't know where else I can just get all this stuff out without risking Kirk seeing it... Or being interrupted.. I just have so much frustration and anger towards myself for changing everything I liked or should have liked about me.

What the hell does anyone see in me anymore? Or they all still here because of sweet memories of me? Or am I just being completely stupid and I haven't really changed that much?

I'm so diluted. I should just stop now...

peace&love <3 amelia

3 = | +

:: 2008 24 May :: 4.41pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: random stuff

nothing is right
i dyed my hair today. i smell pretty.

i think my parents will hate me when i visit. because i'll have more body art. and i really feel like it will alienate me more. but i like it and i don't want to not get it just because of my family.

do you ever feel like everything you say is completely trivial. why the hell am i even talking about anything? i'm having one of those days.

my days off are pointless. i don't do anything and it's so boring here. it's beautiful outside, but i don't want to go out alone. what's the point of adventuring if you have no one to go with you?

i miss having friends. i miss having people to hang out with and talk to and feel and want to touch. people here... they make me happy that people don't like touching me. i don't really want them to touch me. maybe i'm sick. idk, but the people here aren't people. they are... something else... adults. but really crappy adults. they have all the crappy qualities of adults and teenagers mixed together.

i think i'm very harsh with the people here. but i can't trust them and i certainly don't want to give any part of my heart to them. i know what they do with hearts like mine.

except... my heart is fuckered up now. and i'm so cold and mean. i push everyone away. i don't get it. i'm so alone and desperate for friendship, but i push everyone away because they aren't what i want. what do i want..? not these people. not the people at work. i had a dream about jason the other night. he txted me telling me he missed me. hahaha i'm so fucked up.

i've started talking in my sleep on a much more regular basis now. i have no idea why. i can't even remember what i would have been saying.

oh well.
what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

sigh.

3 = | +

makhan

:: 2008 15 May :: 1.15am

Well, as I'm waiting for the intense burning under my armpits to go away as a result of the extremely strong chemical antiperspirant, I think I'll write a document a little bit about the happenings in my life.

lets see now. I have been dealing with this Nicki situation STIll, yes, I know, fucking long time now. But things have progressed since I last wrote about her.

She is now my girlfriend. Thats right, my dream and 11:11 wishes come true. But am I happy? Well, lets analyze, shall we?

We have now been going out officially for 4 days. We finally came to that conclusion as a spontaneous decision, and well, I loved it. But she doesn't seem very into it. Why? Well, at first, I was very hesitant about it, and about the whole thing at school. Because I don't want the Russians to know about it, I have been keeping it on the low, not holding her hand, stealing a kiss her and there and just in essence not being real. Being two-faced.

Well, hate that so much, that I decided FUCK IT, I have 14 days left of high school, and I'm going to make the most of them. I don't need the approval of people I'm likely to never see again. I don't give a shit about what people think.

I just really didn't want my parentals find out before prom, because I could SO see them absolutely freaking out and not letting me go.

I just realized that I honestly don't want to even write about this anymore. the burning under my armpits is becoming a little too much.

:: 2008 14 May :: 6.04am

It feels good to conquer what you're battling.

Now all I have left to fight is Jeff Reyburn's College Prep English class.
Haha?

1 = | +

:: 2008 13 May :: 10.28pm

Do you ever feel like...
other people are more glamorous than you?
I don't stop thinking about it.

2 = | +

:: 2008 9 May :: 12.05am

Sometimes I just start laughing, I never know why.

Crying too.

4 = | +

:: 2008 6 May :: 12.04am

One more... before I leave...
My finger tips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Every scream went bleeding through these paper walls and all the
make-up in the world couldn't hide the scars
I leave today, I'm packing light: a suitcase, some toiletries
The rolling hills and willow trees of Carolina wait for me

You never learned, the rules have changed since we were nine
This isn't school: boys don't assault the girls they like

The taste of blood, the claim of love: these two will here on cease
to be sprouting from your fists and tongue 'cause Carolina waits for me

Fields of grain go whipping by from the window seat
I'm drifting in, I'm drifting out catching up on sleep I couldn't get
Indentured since the very crest of 17
I left my keys and broken dreams 'cause Carolina waits for me

I will never forgive a single day
Mile markers seem to call my name and say, "you're safer now.
Through every town, we'll light your way in reflective green all the
way" The entire state of Carolina waits for me

:: 2008 5 May :: 1.35pm

To All of you
I'm going on an Internet hiatus for a while.
Recent happenings in my life have lead me to believe that the internet is the most evil thing in the world.
I'll be off all my regular sites including Myspace, woohu, gaia, lj, facebook, etc.
I will only be available through phone, hotmail, and IRL.
If you don't have any of those available, too bad.

Bye.

:: 2008 5 May :: 6.46am

this was pretty much the worst weekend ever.

:: 2008 30 April :: 10.45pm

Today...
I just want to cry.

3 = | +

:: 2008 27 April :: 10.06am
:: Mood: exhausted

"When you're in darkness don't forget what you saw in the light."

:: 2008 27 April :: 9.17pm

probably heading home this weekend...
or next weekend.. to see the dentist!
huzzahh!

idk, i just hope it isn't snowy. i had to take off my snow tires... haha.

work sucks.. people sucks... idk, nothing really to be looking forward to right now..

adam's visiting in june! yay!
uhm... not much else to say..

my life is boring.
i made some brisket. hella tastey.

it was my birthday a while ago.
hella great birthday.

hella cute kitty.

3 = | +

:: 2008 27 April :: 8.18pm

I just don't want to go.
Is that so hard to understand?

Stop trying to make me do something I don't want to.

:: 2008 25 April :: 11.37pm

Pictures from last weekend.

Brenan blowing a bubble as Jake looks on in wonder

A bubble I blew resting peacefully on the ground

Different angle, same bubble

Me, immediately after blowing the pictured bubble, and before exhaling the rest of my lungful of smoke

Alex popped ze bubble =(....well, actually it popped just before he could poke it.

:: 2008 25 April :: 5.17am

Let's hope I know what I'm doing.

:: 2008 21 April :: 10.06pm

Well, 'twas a nice weekend
I went over to Brenan's house around 1:30ish on Friday, turns out he's rooming with Albert and Jake, which is nice because they're both cool guys that I get along with well.

So we hang out and play video games and shit, after a while of this their neighbor Wes comes over and suggests the idea of partying it up, so we're all like "hellz yeah", so that's how it came about that I'd be staying late there.

So after Wes leaves Sarah shows up and then Albert, Jake and Brenan all leave for different reasons, leaving us alone, I'm still a little awkward around her, it's been a few years now, but I dunno, still in the realm of awkward, so we just looked at some art books and ate popcorn while waiting on them.

After a while of that Brenan and Jake came back and brought Wes with them, so then Jake, Wes and I walked over to the Shell station so Wes could go in and buy a bunch of High Gravity (Horrible, low quality, high alcohol beer) and have us carry it back.

So the rest of that night was basically just being drunk, had a few kinda awkward moments, but overall it was a nice night of drinking, lots of people came and went.

Woke up saturday around noon and watched a few tv shows with brenan and jake, then brenan suggested going to the park to check out the Earth Day festivities, so we walked over there and found out it was just stupid hippies being stupid hippies, so we walked around riverfront for a while, then walked over to Value Village so Brenan could buy pants, he ended up buying like, no normal pants I'm pretty sure, but he got a suit jacket and a full set of scrubs, so we got back to their apartment and I took a shower and they ordered pizza while I was in there.

So, a bit after the pizza shows up, Alex shows up and we're like "Woo, Alex", because he's a fun guy, and he notices Jake's hookah and suggests we buy some shishah and coals, so we walk over to the smoke shop by the plaza to get those, and then get back to the house and smoke copious amounts of hookah, it was pretty fun, we were dipping a piece of vacuum cleaner tube into some soapy water and blowing smoke-filled bubbles, which bounced on the floor and would then sit on it as perfect spheres for a bit before exploding into a perfect ring of smoke, it was really pretty.

After a while of that Alex left, and then Jesse and a couple of her friends showed up and put some marijuana in the hookah, I honestly didn't feel anything from it, but Jesse and her friends were pretty high, so I took that chance to give Jesse an existential crisis by explaining nihilism as the only truth in the universe while she was totally stoned out of her mind.

So after they left Wes came down and smoked some Hookah with us, then we all drifted off to bed.

Then Sunday, Jake, Alex and myself basically just smoked hookah the whole god damn day, we hotboxed the kitchen at one point.

And then today I came home a few hours after waking up, yay.

2 = | +

:: 2008 22 April :: 5.24am
:: Mood: blah

Because days come and go..
But my feelings for you are forever.

:: 2008 20 April :: 11.01pm
:: Mood: pleased

New Old Favorite
I've recently gotten addicted to an old addiction of mine I had back in the day.
Star Wars has come back into my life full-force.
I feel like the biggest geek ever. But it's all true.
I now watch Star Wars Sundays on Spike religiously.
And I bought Ryan a Star Wars sweatshirt from work that I've been eye-ing since Christams.
And I have been listening to Weird Al Yankovic's parody songs of Star Wars stories.
I think I'll buy Episode 1 and 3. I used to have 1 until my brother "leant" it out to a friend of his along with Point Break and we magically never heard from him again. Ryan has Episode 3 but I think he let me borrow it and in the move back from Cheney, I believe it got misplaced along with my Napoleon Dynamite (GOD DAMMIT I WANT TO WATCH THAT TT.TT). So yes, that's the story. I could possibly buy all of them on DVD. My family has the trilogy of the earlier chapters on VHS and I have the 2nd Episode on DVD. But I think I want them all for when I move out... Just so I can waist my life thinking up Jedi fanfiction.

GAWD I'm the biggest geek ever.
Yay! ♥

1 = | +

:: 2008 13 April :: 5.32pm
:: Mood: worried

Anna Bannana.
I'm really worried about Anna.
I've been trying to call her and chat with her but she never has time.
And then she txt me one day and said Nick thought she cheated on him... with Greg.
But of course she wouldn't do that. And neither would he.

Then she deletes her myspace.
Then she gets a lip piercing and a cat.
And Nick hates cats.

Then Nick posts this blog about how he's sorry he left all his friends for her and his hidden top friends are Zac, JuJi, Theo, and Molly.
And JuJi? Anna hates her...

I just hope... what ever has happened, that she is alright and not cutting herself and not sleeping with other people just to feel comforted (that is - if they DID break up... she would never do that to him while they were together of course) She's never had sex with anyone else...

So we've made a date to hang out on Wednesday... And there is MUCH to talk about. So so much.

:: 2008 11 April :: 5.05pm

it seems i was wrong.
and that the me in the past was right.
and now i really want to just leave.
and stay away from humanity forever.

4 = | +

:: 2008 7 April :: 9.45am

"Piazza, New York Catcher"

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we'll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase

San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we've got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue's crying too and well he may

I love you I've a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the wider family net absurd
"You'll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job"
Maybe, but not what she deserves

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll drink ourselves awake
We'll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960 style
We'll comment on the decor and we'll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we'll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he's praying for
a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside the diamond is a wrench

I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn't come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You'd settle for an epitaph like "Walk Away, Renee"
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
Meet you at the statue in an hour

:: 2008 4 April :: 2.53pm

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
You're still driving away
And I'm sorry every day

I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was your turn to decide
~~I knew this was our time~~
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

:: 2008 3 April :: 10.32pm

"you're going to die in somebody else's arms and i have to live with that..."

the new armor for sleep album is okay... only some of the songs are really good, unlike the first album which rocked and the second that was slightly better than this new one... the new one isn't as... idk themed as the others, which is what i really liked. this music sounds a little more immature than the last few.

OMG I SOUND LIKE A RETARD.

anyway. i'm happy with the way my life is right now, at this very second. but i keep bouncing back and forth and i'm so confused. i wish that life would just tell me what to do. i hate making decisions. i really hate making choices like these. like i'm in the middle and i don't want to go either way. because both ways are good. and i'd really be happy either way. well.. time will tell which way i'll go because i know eventually i'll have to stop and just go one way.

which bites.

idk i feel a little lost. and like i should be doing more with my life. but w/e that'll come with time too.

5 = | +

:: 2008 2 April :: 9.20am

hella bored with no television
1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at?: How f'ed up my makeup is.

2. How much cash do you have on you?: a little more than $5

3. What's a word that rhymes with your name?: Bedilia i suppose...

4. Favorite flower?: Lily

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed/received/dialed call list on your cell phone: Attendance hotline

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: You could be happy by snow patrol

7. What shirt are you wearing?: stained up tank top

8. Do you "label" yourself?: Sexy beast

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?: i like wearing rocket dogs

10. Bright or Dark Room?: dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?: unknown stranger

12. Ever "spilled the beans"?: Yeah i do a lot.

13. What were you doing at 2 this morning?: sleeping hXc

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?: Yeah? You working though right?

15. Do you ever click on banners or pop-ups?: Nope

16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: He's a douchebag

17. Who told you they loved you last?: Jay

19. How many drugs have you done in the past three days ?: zero. unless you count sugar.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?: zero

21. Favorite age you have been so far?: 4

22. Your worst enemy?: uhm.... myself

23 What is your current desktop picture?: a drawing but some random little kid of a dinosaur saying "they are cool" or something

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?: uhm verbally most likely i love you baby or good night sweetie or something like that oh! don't stay up too late

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?: money would get rid of the regret i'd bet hahaha

26. Do you love / like someone?: yes