home | profile | guestbook


pathos

recent entries | past entries


godessalthena

:: 2018 19 July :: 8.49am

need the secret to mind reading

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 18 July :: 10.22pm

everything feels so empty

I put on a smile and crack a joke to calm those around me

going through the motions fake it til you make it

i want to be spoiled

+


shroudofrain

:: 2018 17 July :: 9.57pm

I Kind of Hate Being a Dad
Kinda weird to read, right?

Weirder to write.

Don't get me wrong here, it's not that I hate my kids, that's farther from the truth.
I hate being a dad.

I have four kids, and I guess the term is "stair-step"?
They are 5, 4, 3, and 5 months at the time of me writing this, and it's hard to imagine life without them.

I have this tendency, though, to not get the best of my emotions... and sometimes those emotions drive.
I'll yell about stupid stuff like cleaning their room, I'll punish them for having an attitude or talking back; it drives me crazy when they ignore what I'm telling them or when I'm trying to get their attention.

All this time, I fail to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3 (the 5 month old doesn't know that part of me yet, or at least has not been on the receiving end).

I sent my kids to bed tonight angry because they weren't going to sleep... again, failing to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3.
I yelled. They cried. I yelled some more; they went to sleep, and I feel like trash.
So I did what every parent does then they want to figure out why they are such a sucky parent: I Googled "why am I angry all the time?"

What I found shocked me.

An article popped up that caught my eye: Irritable Depression: When Sadness Feels Like Anger (I'll leave a link at the end).

What I read took me off guard. I am angry, and on a hair-line trigger in my home... because I'm depressed.
I'm depressed that I didn't think I'd be at this point in my life -married five years with four kids at 29.
I'm depressed that I'm not where I saw myself being ten years ago -holding a steady and well-paying career, with maybe a kid or two. I'm depressed that I have a beer gut and barely drink beer. I'm depressed that I feel like my four kids hate me... and I hate that.

James 1:19 - "So then, my friends, let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them and train them in admonition of the Lord."

It is clear in scripture that God does not want us to let anger control our actions. We should have control over what we do, and when we say we love God, our actions should reflect that confession of faith; when any emotion is taking the helm of our actions -whether it be anger, sadness, anything like that- it's not a good thing.
It is also clear that it is hard to understand the character of God that is defined as a Father, until you become a father yourself.

We, as God's children, do things we know we shouldn't do over and over again -a lot of the time the same exact thing, over... and over again. It's one thing to experience this dynamic when you are the one constantly needing mercy and grace... but when you're the one who has to constantly give it, we find far too often that we are like that servant to the king in one of Jesus' parables where the servant owed the king an unplayable debt, but the king showed mercy and grace by obsolving the debt, but when the servant was the one collecting a debt, he showed no grace, no mercy, and in fact was angry and sinned.

As I'm writing this I feel like crap for being this way to my children.

What I have done is let my emotions get the better of me and control me; what I have done is not show the character of God to my children very well.
What I have done, is sinned: against my children, and against God.

I said I hate being a dad, and in a way I do.

I hate that my actions are being observed and absorbed constantly by carbon-based copies of myself.

I hate that I have to teach things like saying "please" and "thank you" all the while wonder where they got the concept of "mine" and "no."

I hate that being a dad is so hard.

And not that I abhor hard work, but being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I love my kids, though.
I hug them when they are hurt.
I give them morning tickles, every morning.
I make them coffee at church.
I comb and brush their hair.
I get sad when I have to go to work and give them a hug goodbye.
I get so happy to hear "DADDY!!!" when I first step out of my car getting back from work.
I love reading the Bible to my children every night.
I love getting pictures of the silly stuff my wife and kids do at home while I'm gone.

I could not imagine my life without my children.
I'd be sad if they were gone. I'm sad when they go to grandpa's for a weekend.

I say I kind of hate being a dad, but what I really mean by that is that it hurts being a dad. It hurts a lot: it requires so much of you, for so long.
It's stressful.
It's repetitive.
It's chaotic.
It's got high heights and low lows.
It's manic.
It's lonely.
It's depressing.
It hurts... bad.

But.... it's so worth it.

Tomorrow I'm going to make things right; expect an update.



https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/mood-disorders/irritable-depression-when-sadness-feels-like-anger/amp/


godessalthena

:: 2018 15 July :: 10.39am

I don't want to live because the pain in my heart often feels too much to bear

but I also kinda am looking forward to the grown up things

but I also have a very strong feeling I'm too sad inside to be a good mother. that this pain will make me terrible yo my kids and make them resent me in the future, or come out damaged like me. and how could I protect them from what happened to me?

there isn't a way. but if that happened to them? how could I ever forgive myself?

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 14 July :: 12.01am

the loneliness it's rather soul crushing

and it isn't for a lack of people who would listen

I just have no words to express my thoughts or feelings

I just want to fade into nothingness until all there is of me is a bitter memory... I feel so small and utterly insignificant because I am.

and so alone inside like I was made missing something I can never have.

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 12 July :: 7.35am

I know you won't ever admit it, but I know it's the booze.

seeing bill Burr this weekend with my bestie in Seattle as her day gift.

my cars timing cover is jacked, $700+ repair after the $1,000 I put into it since my bday. it's only a 2012 :( I should have done more research. apparently this cover issue could have caused all the other shit that broke so thankfully CarMax is doing these repairs for free!

also the lady who sold me my car did the warranty wrong so I got a bonus 25,000 miles on my warranty! hellaaaaaa

hopefully this is the last thing went with it for a while. I got this car to be more reliable than my last and now I've spent more money on this 2012 than my 1996 Nissan or my 1992 Mercury.

next car I get I want it to be an ultra smooth ride with no inside sound with as sun roof. it's going to have being inside and underneath. it'll be some time of El Camino or maybe just an Ute.

keep dreaming dreamers

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 9 July :: 10.58pm

my boss complimented my better attitude today

but said she wasn't sure if it was sincere and it's like what does it even matter I'm smiling I'm cracking jokes people are happy that's what you want so let's just don't worry about the deeper parts

everything that could have gone wrong cooking tonight did but it still turned into wonderful

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 2 July :: 1.57pm

my sleeve is FINALLY FINISHED

after 5 years and 48 hours of work this beautiful creation has all the pieces filled.

but he use two different blacks and half is in the new black and half is in the old (the old stuff looks kinda grew, like graphite). I kinda want him to go other all the lines again but fuuuuuck


this last appointment was definitely the most painful (possibly second after the elbow, but I don't quite remember if it was worse or not)

he also touched up my totoros and back stars so they look a lot more clean and vibrant!

I love all of them. I'm so happy it's finally done :)

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 29 June :: 10.47pm

why do I still try

don't try

it doesn't matter either way

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 27 June :: 1.51pm

I know how to cope with my depression, I know I can't dwell on my set backs, but I was really, really counting on at least getting an interview, and now you tell me they've hired everyone they want to for now.

but it's not ok to be upset about that.gotta just keep moving forward like a cold unfeeling robot arm.

I'm so fucking sick of all this. just leave me alone. I am shutting myself away so none of you have to feel compelled to give me any more advice I didn't ask for, or more negative words that I don't need, or telling me to do shit I'm not fucking going to do.

IM DRIVING MY OWN GOD DAMNED BUS AND I WILL BE AS FUCKING SAD AS I WANTO TO BE ABOUT WHATEVER I WANT TO BE SAD ABOUT.

I'm not asking for help. my experience is my responsibility. I'm not asking to be lifted up and told fluffy lies about myself.

just leave me be and let me rot alone in absurdity.

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 26 June :: 7.04am

finally got rid of my Facebook, feels good to get rid of Zuckerberg's robot lizard eyes in my life.

I got accepted to start working from home, so hopefully I will start feeling better about work. I won't have to try and dodge questions about how I am or how my weekends went. I won't have to wear uncomfortable clothing and starve all day. I will be able to go for a walk and a park instead of a huge parking lot next to the Comcast building.

what I really need is a hug and to be held. I wish someone could tell me everything is going to be alright, but I know it isn't at this point.

I'm trying to accept the facts that I will never feel rested again and that the world will always be a horrible depressing place as long as other humans exist in it. humans are the worst. we aren't special, so stop thinking we are.

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 25 June :: 8.45pm

sometimes I'd be nice for words and not just gifs.

idk. I both love and hate the internet.

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 25 June :: 3.12pm

my boss told me to keep my promotion I need to be happy at work

I told her to fucking take both the raise and promotion and shove it up LM's asshole because I'm not going to fake it so management can have the warm and fuzzies.

2 = | +


godessalthena

:: 2018 24 June :: 8.45am

when everything inside looks like everything you hate

there is no hope for change
there are no chances to take

I'm on fire burning at the absurdity

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 22 June :: 7.05pm

stupid piece of shit white skin.

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 22 June :: 9.51am

on vacation trying to have a good time

feeling like a piece of shit failure

I hate being alive

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 14 June :: 6.55pm

I want to offer my condolences to anyone who doesn't have a sister or isn't on close terms with their sisters...

because I absolutely love my sister and I would be so lost without her. it's a special connection between sisters, especially when you grow up close in age.

we might not talk every day or see each other all the time, but she always has my back and I always have hers. she helps me see insights into myself I wouldn't have otherwise, and always comforts me even when there isn't anything else to be done.

I just hope she knows that she is the most precious gem I know

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 12 June :: 10.51pm

you know you are pathetic when.....


you can't sleep because you are busy thinking about the shitty escalated call out you have to make because another senior representative couldn't do their fucking job.

why is she not held to the same standards as the newer seniors? why are none of them?

WHY DO THEY GET PAID MORE FOR FUCKING UP EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH!?!!

I need a fucking vacation... starting in T minus 3 days and counting down...

1 = | +


godessalthena

:: 2018 12 June :: 4.02pm

there isn't anything more than empty conversations filled with empty words.

I keep waiting for someone to save me. I know I have to save myself. I'm too weak. I'm too worthless.im too meek.

all these suicides in the news, and all I can do is longingly dream of the day that I might find peace.




my childhood and adult traumas have led me down this road where I constantly try so hard to have people love me and remain loyal to me. as a kid people told me I was creepy for trying too hard. all I wanted was a friend, to not feel alone,to maybe have the abuse stopped or at least have a sympathetic ear. now as an adult once I do find a friend I try too hard. I let my friends and lovers take advantage of my kindness, my generosity, my time, and I rarely get anything in return, I rarely ask anything in return.

I don't ask, because my needs aren't as important as everyone else's. if I try to cry in front of someone to maybe get a little sympathy, maybe not feel so isolated, I just get pushed even further away by harsh words of judgment. or they run away, afraid of someone else's feelings.


as a child I was cast away to the isle of solitude. there was no devil there waiting for me, a monster I could befriend. instead it was just an empty rock poking out of the bottom of the ocean, and here I still reside, waiting for the day I no longer count another day.

2 = | +


godessalthena

:: 2018 11 June :: 9.40am

let me paint in ultraemotion

let me set this thing to hyperfeeling

sentimentality is running high and we have a nostalgia super bonus saved up

just know that you did touch my heart deeply, I think about you constantly and I hope whatever pain is in your heart finds a little peace somewhere in this endless blue sky.

2 = | +


godessalthena

:: 2018 8 June :: 2.31pm

cicadas chripping in the heart of the day

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 8 June :: 9.50am

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky.

+


poisonedheart

:: 2018 5 June :: 11.22pm

A promise from me
Is just a lie I ain't told yet.
So I'm ready to die, but I'm not willing to watch
You watch me die here in our bed.

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 15 May :: 9.41am

it's a placebo kinda day

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 11 May :: 9.26am

every night I go to sleep optimistic that I will not wake up

every day I awaken to the same nightmare

the sets and faces change, but the feelings always remain.

worthless. lonely. isolated. absurd. pointless. grey. empty. devastated. crushed.

I'm just so tired, but sleep doesn't seem to rest my soul. do I even have a soul?

all I feel is blood and bone. no heart. no soul.

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 11 May :: 7.53am

I wish I had someone to talk to

4 = | +


godessalthena

:: 2018 10 May :: 9.47am

wake up
wake up

WAKE UP

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 3 May :: 4.06pm

honestly, I'm never completely honest.

+


godessalthena

:: 2018 27 April :: 7.09am

heading to Seattle this weekend to visit my best Frome I am so excited! last time I saw her we went to her best friends memorial at the state park it was very sad... this will be more fun!

we are going to explore whidby island! I've always wanted to go but never was able to. we are going with some mutual friends and their adorable twin daughters. I made some macarons which I need to ship off today, but the extras I'm bringing with (not that we need more sugar she went crazy getting me candyyyyyy)

my sweetie got a 2018 wrx, I have driven it once and I'm really jealous but..... I love my 35 mpg way more than his however many horses haha

maybe I'm too much if a grandma but being a passenger is scary. especially in the back seat.

1 = | +


godessalthena

:: 2018 23 April :: 11.46pm

all I really need right this moment is an encouraging word or a friendly face.

I just want someone to see me.

I feel so utterly and totally invisible.

+

Woohu.com | Random Journal