2015 14 March :: 12.50 am
If life could give me one thing before I die;
it's the wisdom to accept when it's time,
but in the meantime, the courage
to scream that I won't go peacefully.
2015 9 March :: 10.16 pm
You make it hard to breathe
It's as if I'm suffocating
And when you're next to me
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin
It makes me sad to think
This all could be for nothing
I wish there was a way
For you to see inside of me
I've never felt this way
About anyone or anything
What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
And, if I can't make you want me
What do I have to do?
I know exactly what you're thinking
But I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
That was a part of me that never made me proud
Right now I think I would try anything
Anything at all to keep you satisfied
God I hope you see what loving you would do to me
All I want is one more chance, so tell me...
What do I have to do to make you love me?
2015 9 March :: 11.30 am
Perceptions of truth aren't always the same as truth.
2015 23 January :: 12.04 am
Have the intense desire to increase my oddities collection. Time for more macabre and antique items.
2014 8 December :: 10.47 pm
Pretty certain that I want to try learning the violin. Dads response, your tone deaf. Moms response to dad, no she's just rhythm challenged. I guess that's their way of saying they expect me to fail but kudos to them for also supporting me through my childhood every time I tried to play an instrument and failed. Now let's see if I can defy these odds and actually do it.
2014 1 December :: 2.20 am
Ordered my first ever hair straightener/flat iron. I may have naturally very straight hair but I have to admit there is something about the silkiness it appears to have after going through a straightener that I just love. Pretty stoked. Probably should have ordered a blow dryer to but didn't feel quite like spending that much today.
2014 23 November :: 1.04 pm
I just want to take it all back and be yours again.
2014 22 November :: 12.42 pm
Newsflash: People aren't always going to be available at your beck and call. They have lives and you are not the center of their world, just as they are not the center of your world. Quit expecting them to be available at the exact moment you decide they should be. They may have plans and they aren't going to be rude to the people that they are currently with, unless it's legitimately a life or death situation. That does not mean they don't care about you it just means that they have manners.
* In case someone takes this as personal attack it isn't directed at anyone in particular just a re-occurring frustration that I needed to vent.*
2014 5 November :: 2.58 am
"Where is that at?"
"Corner of Go Fuck Yourself and Get a Map"
Things you hear in a call center environment
2014 15 October :: 3.44 pm
Making a "Bucket List for 2015" with PB. Super excited, we've already picked learning an instrument (violin for me, bass for her) and swimming with sharks at the aquarium.
2014 11 September :: 9.56 pm
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real ... Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
2014 28 August :: 9.34 pm
First session complete. Man am I drained and this was one of the easiest memory wise. The next few are going to get a little rough but I can do this.
2014 17 June :: 12.04 pm
Feeling a bit like the rugs been pulled out from underneath me. For the past 4.5 years my bipolar diagnosis has been an odd security blanket and today the new psychiatrist tells me she thinks I was incorrectly diagnosed and that I actually have PTSD, Panic Disorder and Depression. She doesn't focus so much on the labels themselves but the symptoms, and she says while this will be one of the hardest things I've ever done she believes with time and lots of hard work on both our sides I can heal. Here's hoping she's right.
2014 15 June :: 11.09 am
Slowly getting my apt all packed up. Currently have the stuff under the bathroom sink and the bare bones need it every day stuff in the bathroom left to pack. The kitchen still needs packed and then the last of my need it everyday stuff. Moving on Wednesday, hope to have all of my stuff out of the apt then I will have Thursday and Friday to clean the old place before it is back to work on Saturday. Here's hoping it all goes smoothly.
2014 12 June :: 12.07 pm
E and I decided that until her life get's back on track we are separating. We are going to try to relearn each other and be friends and then once life settles we may try again. I was borderline tears all yesterday and today I just feel detached from the whole situation. It has tampered some of my excitement about the changes in my life but I think this was the best choice for both of us since neither of us wanted an LDR and neither of us expected to be separated for a year or more, but life has a way of getting in the way of ones expectations.