:: 2007 8 November :: 1.00 pm

i want passion ... i want romance and most importantly, the truth.

are these the things that women leave their husbands over?

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:: 2007 9 October :: 12.32 pm

Well, I'm not pregnant anymore... and I kind of miss it.
so, I hold her 24/7 to make up for it.

She was born September 26th at 12:15 pm and weighed a whole 8 lbs. 9 oz and was 21 inches long.

I have no idea how she fit inside me.

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:: 2007 6 September :: 12.41 pm
:: Mood: crazy

baby
Wow... I can't believe how longs it's been since I actually updated either of my journals. How crazy life has been!

I never talk to anyone anymore and it makes me miss all those sad pathetic days of blink 182 and parties with the group.

I saw james about 4 months ago. He looked healthy. I think. I havn't heard anything from him since then.

I saw Joe yesturday while I was working. He's doing good it seems. Working third shift at family fare and his dad is out of the hospital.

I saw david with his very pretty girlfriend a month ago (yes while I was working). They both seem happy.

Everyone seems good but, you don't talk to anyone like you used to. I have finally been talking to Raych more. The problem was. I am poor and she is altell. I have verizon therefore talking to her takes up my whole 700 minutes that Jared and I share.

I can't believe I am going to have a baby. What is life going to be like? OMG it's so crazy. It isn't going to be just Jared and I. We are going to have a real family, all the time. I mean. Jared has a daughter but... it's different. I try to make it not different. But it is and it always will be. I just can't wait to bring her home and put her in her crib and dress her in all the clothes we got. And of course.. for me to loose all this stupid weight I have gained. A part of me is scared that she will turn out a he. Haha.. knowing my luck I wouldn't be suprised. Anyways.. I don't know what to write. Now that I have internet maybe I will keep this thing updated. doubt it but maybe.

If you want to look at any pictures or anything go to my myspace. You can see how fat I am now. :)

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:: 2006 21 November :: 2.15 pm

Well, I got my paper today and they scheduled my surgery for december freaking 18th. The day before my 20th Birthday. Hell no. ANNNDDD it's at carson city and they want to do it COLD KNIFE. HELL NO. Okay that is the oldest way of doing it and has the worst percentages of infertility and incompetent cervix. No Thank you. I am totally crying on the inside right now. Well.. almost on the outside. I'm holding it in. So... I think I'm getting a second opinion and with a doctor that is affiliated with spectrum health. Where they have actual freaking technology. Oh and you know who keeps fricking talking to jared. When.. they reason why we decided thursday to sunday pick her up at five.. is so we didn't have to talk to her. But yet she still texts and asks "can you do this, can we do this" blah blah. No.. it's 5 for a reason. It's always going to be 5, so we don't have to talk. WTF... could my life suck anymore?

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:: 2006 18 November :: 2.14 pm

First of all this is not a pitty entry. I just like to let people know what's going on in my life so here goes..

Well, I have to have surgery. I'm not sure when. Aparently I'm at a high risk for cervical cancer. From what was said by my ob-gyn I have pre-cancerous cells (severe dysplasyia). They called yesturday to schedule the conization (they remove a triangular portion of my lower cervix) and I was too chicken to answer the phone. I really don't want to do this, but I have to. Both of my doctors sugessted it because of the severe dysplaysia. I'll let you know more later. Like when I will have the surgery and all that information. It's also going to mak it difficult to have children. Which is my dream and everytime I think about it I want to cry. I mean I wish I was just stupid and didn't care and just got pregnant anyways. But.. I can't do that. There's too much at risk I guess.. I don't know. I just want to have a family of my own. Not jareds...

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:: 2006 13 November :: 2.14 pm

Ha.. sorry. It just makes me happy after what I heard from jared. ;) If you know me... you'll find out what I'm talking about. I can't say it on here because it's about you know who. Heh.. anyways. Morgan went potty like a lot this weekend. It was great and she finally got excited and realized what she was doing. That was really good. A breakthrough finally!

Jared has an interview on thursday for dispatch and we are excited about that one. HOpefully he gets it because he hates what he's doing right now. We really could use the money with our house payments being over 1300 dollars and him only bringin home a little over 1600.. we're screwedskis. I need a job.

Anyways, I find out by this wednesday if Jared and I can start a family. If they say no.. too bad it's the only thing that will make our life complete. It's what I've always wanted and Jared wants it to.

1 Please | respond

:: 2006 29 October :: 2.13 pm

Morgan
Well.. this weekend was interesting. I really just wish she'd swallow her pride and admit that she babies her. I mean.. come on. Every single person I talk to agrees. It's making it very hard to advance her. She's smart. Very smart. She can figure things out if you let her. It's just taking the time to do it that we believe is the problem. Either way. After about 4 months of trying she went potty in the toilet twice this weekend. We started using money. She likes to put it in her bank so yeah we "reward" her for using the potty. She ate everything that we gave her. Which we were just as suprised as last week when that happened. She ate lasagna hot dogs in buns chicken and dumplings, regular chicken breast... there's more. But man.. usually it's hard to get her to eat anything that isn't noodles, hot dog or breaded chicken. Anyways... things are getting a little bit better each weekend we have her. Maybe things will get better with the rest of my life huh?

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:: 2006 18 October :: 2.12 pm

Toddlers Mother
Alright, so saturday was like the worst night that I have had in a long time. And it's all because of one particular person... You know who. Yeah.. She ruined our plans and went to leslees wedding even though she wasn't invited and then wouldn't let morgan get over the fact that she was there and we wanted her to sit with us so she ended up sitting by me with morgan on her lap. Yay :| Anyways once we finally got morgan away from her she kept making matters worse by coming up and talking to morgan. She ruined our plans to begin with and then made them worse by making morgan throw the worst temper tantrum I had ever seen her through but... supposidly she was fine. She acted just fine. Yeaah... right. I'm done with it. If she want's to ruin our time with morgan then I guess she can succeed. She did it saturday. So congratualations. Oh yeah.. Her boyfriend also had the nerve to yell at me for what Jared said.That would be the second time. So.. hmm.. grow a pair and tell him yourself.

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:: 2006 8 October :: 2.11 pm

Well, I moved. So.. you probably won't see me online anymore. We can't afford it. The house payment is around 1491 now. WInter taxes are due in two months and we'll have to pay for the propane to be filled (minus 100). Yay. :| maybe we're in too deep.

1 Please | respond

:: 2006 4 October :: 10.32 am

I want a family of my own
I don't even know how to start this.

With Jared and Morgan, I always feel left out because well.. I'm not her real mother. So, things will always have to be discussed with another woman. It sucks that something so special that I waited to do. Jared has already done with someone else.

You always hear from people that the happiest day of their life was when they got married and then when they had their children. Jared's already had that and with someone else and I really don't feel like I should be a part of it. Especially not right now at that.

Jared always says you don't think our marriage is special. It's not that.. I'm just ready for the next stage in our marriage that he's already been in for 2 and a half years. I don't think he understands that we can't just pretend Morgan is mine forever. She calls me mom often with the occasionaly ada in there with it that (it's cute). The way I feel when she calls me that... man, I can't even imagin how it's going to feel when she/he is actually mine. I want that. But I can't have it.

For some reason going to get family pictures (I think) is going to make me feel like what we have is a real family for me. But it isn't. It never will be. There will always be someone else in the picture.

Does anyone understand how I feel?

4 Please | respond

:: 2006 26 September :: 6.33 pm

Last night I woke up feeling so sick and then I wake up this morning.. fine and dandy. It was really odd. Anyways, we get morgan tomorrow all the way to sunday. How exciting huh? We bought her so much new stuff in the past few weeks. Like a total winter coat and pants, snow boots, and fall jacket. OOH these way cute levi pants that have a button waist so you can make them tighter without using a belt. We already bought her a new pair of shoes. They are all pink and adorable. Also we got her a few new shirts too. We bought her some learning puzzles and a book too. So far she's digging the book more then anything else we bought her. Jared and I plan on getting a family photo done this weekend. We are unsure of what we are going to wear. I already have Morgan's outfit picked out though. Haha.. I'm pathetic. Let's see what else... Jared and I are also getting the house in rockford figured out because.. my dad is getting really annoyed with us. I was annoyed with him as soon as we moved in.. but at least he let us move in right? What else...

I'm still looking for a frick'n job. I need at least a part time job of anything so that we can afford the house in rockford. 1422 a month.. yippy :| That's if Lance is okay with letting us take it over. We asked today...

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:: 2006 25 September :: 9.46 am

This is not a request for compliments so...don't think that
*deep breath* Last night on desperate housewives I was crying inside for lynnette. Then, I did actually end up crying. Not because of that though. Well.. partly, but mainly because of how I feel about myself. I honestly believe that I am absolutly ugly. I told jared last night that, Once we get a house I'm saving all my extra money so that I can get the plastic surgery I've needed since I was thirteen. And, of course he said I didn't need it. But I do. I don't feel pretty at all. I mean I don't even think about it when I'm with just Jared but.. I'm not always with just him. I feel bad for him that he has to be seen with me. I try my best to look as good as I can. Cakein' on the make up and wearing (try to at least) nice clothes. I've felt this way since I could remember considering I got this scar at the age of 4.

Anyways, enough of my sad pathetic..ness. Jessica (morgan's mother) has taken away her friendship and says she will take away the nice things she's done for us ie. lowering the child support 70 dollars. She would prefer it if I delete my entry on myspace about Jared having sex with her and all the things she said. Her friend is sticking up for her and saying it's non of my business. How is it not?

I'm holding my ground for now. Needing a job, applying everywhere. Sending out resumes as well as filling out applications. Still no luck. I applied for a receptionist posistion at a company in cedar. That's the latest. I sent it out saturday so.. maybe I'll actually hear. I doubt it.

Alright, hope whoever reads this has a good/nice day.

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:: 2006 24 September :: 9.33 pm

I feel like lynette on desperate housewives. Her whole situation.

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:: 2006 24 September :: 9.28 pm

alright, just letting everyone know that I am posting under friends only from now on.

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:: 2006 20 September :: 2.05 pm

Well, a lot more has happened since I last wrote. I havn't been keeping up on this obviously but I'm going to try to more.

The cells have upgraded again and we will decide on November 8th if we will go ahead with the surgery to remove the lower portion of my uterus.

For those of you who didn't know, Jared and I planned to start a family of our own at the end of october. So, it looks like that probably won't be happening. I cried.. it was pathetic.

Over the course of two months Morgan's mother and I had been talking. Well that ended. Yesturday at that. Supposidly we're too much of a "great family" for her to handle talking to us. It makes her feel like a "bad mother". How pathetic is that. Oh, she says that she can't deal with us anymore and she's going to talk to friend of the court. About what... we already have scheduled times when we see her and who gets her on holidays... she's just jealous is what everyone is saying.

4 Please | respond