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:: 2005 18 May :: 8.13pm

for ever and always...
I always want to change the layout of this journal but eventually everything cycles back around and it just makes perfect sense. I will leave it alone. I thought I had escaped cycles by now considering how hard I worked last year to defeat them but they are always there I have some long term deep rooted personal traditions that I can't avoid and that's ok. I think I can work with it now because there are some things that you just can't fight and I don't want to. It's hard not to spend this time of year reflecting on how much things have changed over the past months. It's interesting, I almost want to say it's sad but I can't because it's not. It just is. I going to hold out though, hold on to the faith that there IS something out there, something coming for me that I can throw myself into without fear and without doubt. Just dive in with a naked soul and trust unconditionally, becuase the only downside to change is that you become hardened, desensitized to losing things and people because you have only been waiting for them to leave from the start. There are times when we can't even trust our own convictions but I DO believe somewhere in the depths of my twisted religion that there is something that will be worth it, that can penetrate the shell of experience. Until then there is change. Until then any notion of forever is a myth, it's a lie we tell ourselves. Forever gets us through the present but you always know that it isnt there, not really. We feign disappointment when the illusion doesn't pan out because it allows us to feel. If you believe that you never saw it coming then you don't have to face the fact that you knew it all along. I don't care who you are, everyone has an inherent cynnic. Despite all that I know that something is forever and that one day the upswing of the cycle will stick. But for now it's just another year and everything has changed.


1 Under the stars... | Where?


:: 2005 19 April :: 8.32pm

oh ,,, dont you love the negativity?
getting C's and D's are just... lovely.
i love it.

i absolutely love wanting to die.

2 Under the stars... | Where?


:: 2005 14 April :: 6.54pm
:: Music: azure ray

i hate life.

so i'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin.
i'll be alone, but maybe more carefree like a kite that floats so effortlessly.
i was afraid to be alone. now im scared thats how i'd like to be.
all these faces, none the same. how can there be so many personalities?
so many lifeless, empty hands. so many hearts in great demand.
and now my sorrow seems so far away,
until i'm taken by these bolts of pain.
but i turn them off and tuck them away,
till these rainy days that make them stay.
and then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs.
and the words still ring, once here, now gone.
and they echo through my head everyday.
and i dont think they'll ever go away.
just like thinking of your childhood home
but we cant go back we're on our own.

and i think i'll want to be alone.
so please understand that i dont answer the phone.
i'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls until i can see nothing at all.
only particles, some fast, some slow. all my eyes can see is all i know.



:: 2005 29 March :: 11.53pm




:: 2005 7 March :: 6.55pm
:: Mood: lazy

i love friends
i love fun
i love weekends minus sundays
i love driving
i love sunny beaches and hot boys that are found there
i hate school and all that comes along with it.
less than two weeks, and i will be driving to gainesville with my buddy sans parents.
that will be the high point until summer, a damn apex if you ask me.
get the ipods and radar detectors and car games ready, cause here we come. : D

3 Under the stars... | Where?


:: 2005 5 March :: 2.21pm

no one comes here anymore. i'm surprised i remembered my own password!

1 Under the stars... | Where?


:: 2005 22 January :: 6.23pm

There's so much about being happy that confuses me. Like I don't have stress or obligations or...anything. But I do have my friends and I love my friends and I love driving around in search of racist movies all day and doing random things but I don't feel like it's....okay to be content with that, like I should want more for myself but I'm not quite sure what. I think it's also my old feeling of paranoia which isnt completely unfounded because...shit happens. What if I lose my friends for some reason then what will I have I can't rely on just one thing in my life it's too scary idk if that makes sense at all I'm just so damn tired of being completely codependant in every aspect of my life : \

And I don't like how I am acting lately I feel like a bad person in general.

Aside from that the irony of it all is...I'm happier than I have been in so long. And now when I finally know how to be happy and not be so intense about everything, no guys in sight. I went from having too many when I wasn't ready to handle it, to none when I am finally in a place where I could probably pull off a normal low stress relationship. That's life I suppose I'm fine with it I guess.




:: 2005 18 January :: 5.55pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: mae- soundtrack for our movie

I started to ache when I started to think of you, Wondering how long it would take before I step into something new.
There's only so much I can fake, There's only so much that I can prove.
Well, do it in a minute, I could go play the fool for you.

Lights, camera, action, I think I'm going for it this time.
There's something you should listen to, Could I take you for a car ride?
This is the soundtrack for our movie.
Would you tell me when we get to the best part?
I'll play it for you.
Oh no, I think I've lost this one, Can we try again?

Well I'm a wreck.
I really can't explain it but I, I hear the music when I look at you.
Orchestrating the song to accommodate the moment.
Well, I'm so in love with you.

Are you looking for an answer?
Because I could really use a friend tonight.
We can make this last forever, we don't have to fear the sunlight.

I'll take a chance and steal away this movie moment.

I'm in deep whenever I'm with you.
I'm directing the scene that has you and me forever.
We'll I'm so in love with...




:: 2005 15 January :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: relient k

i'm don't have anything to say, except i like this cd, it could be their best yet. um. one more thing, i'm happy for friends that know how to make me keep going.

no i don't hate you,
don't want to fight you,
you know i'll always love you
but right now i just don't like you
cause you took this too far



:: 2005 15 January :: 4.29pm

so eljay is malfunctioning. GASP. how do i know what my friends are doing every second? i only wish i was being facetious :-/

the first week back was alright...thursday after NHS tina kat and i adventured to dunkin donuts. "are you hispanic?" ...no. lol. it was good spending time with tina :) she gets me. friday afternoon we all got very wet cuz...yea it was raining hard. i broke my shoe :-/ ...hey mom, do i hear new shoes? :D i just got new shoes tho....oh well! then at night christine, rach, danielle, jess, adam, armando, ari, and i met up to see a movie and eat at carrabas. we saw in good company, which i'll admit had its funny moments, but overall was just eh. the dinner was nice, a lot of comedic relief, none of which i really remember. lol.

today i feel alright, cept who went back to procrastinating her saturday away? i guess i can still salvage some of it though. JOY.

1 Under the stars... | Where?


:: 2005 12 January :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: Real Love - Mary J. Blige

Olympic: Day 2
the excitement from yesterday is gone..so today was an ehh day..i rode steph's bus to school and home..i'm getting to hang out with her alot now which is great..i had psychology today which was interesting the teacher is kinda weird but he's funny..then i had ap english..they just started reading The Great Gatsby..but that class was fun..avi's in there..crazy kid..i met a couple new people in there too..i realized today that jaqueline is in almost all my classes..she's cool too..i haven't seen her since middle school when we used to hang out together with raquel..she's straight..a little on the quieter side now..i guess that's good..lol..spanish was fun..the kids in there crack me up..mrs hart changed our seats around so now i sit by this dominican girl daisy..she's sweet..we just messed around didn't do much in that class..then it was off to american history..my PE teacher teaches that class..and he's the head football coach..lol.a little weird..he even admitted that he had no clue what he was teaching so he's gonna give us work like reading the chapter and taking our own notes and then he'll give us a test (the test is made by the other history teacher)there's a total of 10 kids in there..he said that it'll just be a free period..lol..whateverr..works for me..at lunch i ate with steph, evan, the other stephanie, ryan, camila and a couple other people..JJ's in my lunch too..so he came by and ate with us :)we talked for a while and he's sooo cute!!..i bought my locker and mine is right next to his..hehe..lucky me!!!..:)..he didn't get to play at last night's game (which we won) and he won't be able to for i think 2 more games..him and the coach don't see eye to eye..lol..that's what he told me..ahh!! but he's so cute!! tall, black, athletic build so he's got some muscles..and he's got the most adorable smile.. :: snapping out of it now :: tomoro's an even day..i just got through with my pre cal homework and im working on my pysch. notes..but get this, in history we're only on westward expansion it's so easyyy..so im happy about that..im soo looking forward to sunny weather..i wanna go to the beachhhh!!!..i need a new bathing suit too..time to go shoppinggg..hehe..well i guess im done for now..<3



:: 2005 11 January :: 4.07pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: O - Omarion

my first day at olympic..
ok..it went a little like this:
first i missed the bus this morning so my mom drove me to school..then when i went to pick up my schedule they said i was never registered..when we had registered yesterday..so whatever then i had to talk to my counselor and the data processor to pick my classes..that was so complicated because at ATL we do trig and then analytical geometry but at OH its the other way around..so they didnt know what to put me in..after bout a half hour they stuck me in pre calc..i soo cant do pre calc..im gonna get out of it..it's the middle of the year and im so behind on what these people are learning..i seriously dont get the point in being in there..but my counselor said that if im not picking up on the lessons that i just wont have a math class..i guess im going with that..but i saw ashley thompson..she's in my math so is avi..lol..we ate lunch together, she's graduating this year and going to UCF..the student aides that showed me around were all basketball players and they invited me to the game tonight i dunno if imma go though..we play river..but yeahh, stephanie buck is in my PE class..so we got to talk..she's madd cool..she's on the hip hop dance team..i think im gonna try out for that instead of cheerleading..there were a couple of cheerleaders in my 2nd hour today..and when the teacher asked me what kinds of activities i did at ATL i said cheerleading and they just grilled me..those cheerleaders in my class were madd stuck up and snobby so i know i wont fit in with them so i'd rather not go out for the team..it wouldnt be fun..so im gonna dance instead..i saw JJ!!!..he was in my lunch and we got to talk for a lil while..wowww he is just too cuteeee!!...and then after PE i was walkin toward the bus and he saw me and walked me to it..:)..i heard he broke up with his girlfriend too so heyyyy..lol..so all in all the first day went good..the class schedules are weird though..like there are regular days which are 1-7..then even days which are 2,4,5,6 and then odd days which are 1,3,5,7..so we have 5th hour everyday instead of 1st hour.

my schedule:
1. Psychology
2. Child Development
3. AP English
4. Pre-Calculus
5. AP Spanish
6. Team Sports
7. American History Honors

(my AP spanish class is definitely ALL native speakers..it was a lil weird for me..lol..but i saw this girl i used to go to summer camp with!! when i was like 9..lol..so that was cool) i was so nervous that i wasn't going to know anyone but it all worked out for me..another weird thing was that this one kid was like "u went to atlantic right?? u went out with carlos right??"..lol..i was like "ummm yeahh"..i was so confused i didn't even know this kid but he knew i knew carlos, avi and meyeong..he's a senior though and went to atlantic which threw me off even more..lol..then i met this girl shayah..she was like indian or something i dunno..but i swear she looks jut like nadia..its like whoaaa resemblance..with the little nose ring and everything..she's cool..we'll guys i will let u know how things go down tomoro: OH - Day 2..:)..i love and miss all my eagles and my bull..lol..meli



:: 2005 5 January :: 5.11pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: the postal service- nothing better

Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart that you're deserting for better company? I can't accept that it's over, i will block the door like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry. so just say how to make it right. and i swear i'll do my best to comply. tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together ?

I feel i must interject here. you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself with these revisions and gaps in history. so let me help you remember. i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear. i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave. so please back away and let me go.

i can't my darling i love you so... tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

don't you feed me line about some idealistic future. your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.

i admit that i have made mistakes, and i swear i'll never wrong you again.

you've got a lure i can't deny, but you've had your chance so say goodbye.

1 Under the stars... | Where?


:: 2004 16 December :: 5.30pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: How We Do- The Game

yo i am soo frickin stressed out right now!! i calculated my grades and i have to study for like allll my semester exams..not cool!!..this shit sucks!!..and mr davis has been really pissin me off lately too!!..err i effin hate him!!



:: 2004 6 December :: 5.25pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: Soldier-Destiny's Child

party ova hea..o0o0..party ova der..lol
yay!! the party was a success!!! sam was soo surprised!! it was great..she even ran away..haha..lol..thanks to everybody who helped out..amara meli eric amy heather for decorating..lol..that was fun..carlos for the music..lol..and thanks to everyone who came..we had alot of fun..dancing, music, food..it was great..after the party sam slept over and we just chilled out..altogether it was a great weekend..:D


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