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shroudofrain

:: 2018 17 July :: 9.57pm

I Kind of Hate Being a Dad
Kinda weird to read, right?

Weirder to write.

Don't get me wrong here, it's not that I hate my kids, that's farther from the truth.
I hate being a dad.

I have four kids, and I guess the term is "stair-step"?
They are 5, 4, 3, and 5 months at the time of me writing this, and it's hard to imagine life without them.

I have this tendency, though, to not get the best of my emotions... and sometimes those emotions drive.
I'll yell about stupid stuff like cleaning their room, I'll punish them for having an attitude or talking back; it drives me crazy when they ignore what I'm telling them or when I'm trying to get their attention.

All this time, I fail to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3 (the 5 month old doesn't know that part of me yet, or at least has not been on the receiving end).

I sent my kids to bed tonight angry because they weren't going to sleep... again, failing to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3.
I yelled. They cried. I yelled some more; they went to sleep, and I feel like trash.
So I did what every parent does then they want to figure out why they are such a sucky parent: I Googled "why am I angry all the time?"

What I found shocked me.

An article popped up that caught my eye: Irritable Depression: When Sadness Feels Like Anger (I'll leave a link at the end).

What I read took me off guard. I am angry, and on a hair-line trigger in my home... because I'm depressed.
I'm depressed that I didn't think I'd be at this point in my life -married five years with four kids at 29.
I'm depressed that I'm not where I saw myself being ten years ago -holding a steady and well-paying career, with maybe a kid or two. I'm depressed that I have a beer gut and barely drink beer. I'm depressed that I feel like my four kids hate me... and I hate that.

James 1:19 - "So then, my friends, let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them and train them in admonition of the Lord."

It is clear in scripture that God does not want us to let anger control our actions. We should have control over what we do, and when we say we love God, our actions should reflect that confession of faith; when any emotion is taking the helm of our actions -whether it be anger, sadness, anything like that- it's not a good thing.
It is also clear that it is hard to understand the character of God that is defined as a Father, until you become a father yourself.

We, as God's children, do things we know we shouldn't do over and over again -a lot of the time the same exact thing, over... and over again. It's one thing to experience this dynamic when you are the one constantly needing mercy and grace... but when you're the one who has to constantly give it, we find far too often that we are like that servant to the king in one of Jesus' parables where the servant owed the king an unplayable debt, but the king showed mercy and grace by obsolving the debt, but when the servant was the one collecting a debt, he showed no grace, no mercy, and in fact was angry and sinned.

As I'm writing this I feel like crap for being this way to my children.

What I have done is let my emotions get the better of me and control me; what I have done is not show the character of God to my children very well.
What I have done, is sinned: against my children, and against God.

I said I hate being a dad, and in a way I do.

I hate that my actions are being observed and absorbed constantly by carbon-based copies of myself.

I hate that I have to teach things like saying "please" and "thank you" all the while wonder where they got the concept of "mine" and "no."

I hate that being a dad is so hard.

And not that I abhor hard work, but being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I love my kids, though.
I hug them when they are hurt.
I give them morning tickles, every morning.
I make them coffee at church.
I comb and brush their hair.
I get sad when I have to go to work and give them a hug goodbye.
I get so happy to hear "DADDY!!!" when I first step out of my car getting back from work.
I love reading the Bible to my children every night.
I love getting pictures of the silly stuff my wife and kids do at home while I'm gone.

I could not imagine my life without my children.
I'd be sad if they were gone. I'm sad when they go to grandpa's for a weekend.

I say I kind of hate being a dad, but what I really mean by that is that it hurts being a dad. It hurts a lot: it requires so much of you, for so long.
It's stressful.
It's repetitive.
It's chaotic.
It's got high heights and low lows.
It's manic.
It's lonely.
It's depressing.
It hurts... bad.

But.... it's so worth it.

Tomorrow I'm going to make things right; expect an update.



https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/mood-disorders/irritable-depression-when-sadness-feels-like-anger/amp/


Whispers-to-a-scream

:: 2010 17 October :: 2.56am
:: Mood: indifferent

Re-Do
I move around the Internet way too much.

If anyone is interested in reconnecting, find me on facebook. Search "Meg Miley", based in Atlanta. (I previously said to search for "Megan" but FB blocked me out of that account.) I also no longer use Myspace, and rarely ever get on aim (meganlikespants) or yahoo (shirtzors). If you happen to be anti facebook, shoot me an email or something (meggmiley@gmail.com). Just be sure to remind me you're from this site. It's been so long!

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whispers-to-a-scream

:: 2007 14 January :: 12.27am

Hey.

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whispers-to-a-scream

:: 2006 12 October :: 10.52am

If I'm horrible at anything, it's being perfect.



i'm ready for change. : )

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whispers-to-a-scream

:: 2006 19 June :: 5.01pm


I'm an addict for dramatics
I confuse the two for love
"You can't tell me that you don't beg..."

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paperheart

:: 2006 23 February :: 7.43pm

New journal. It won't be hard to find me;;

Leave me a comment, and add me as a friend. But only if you will actually comment once in a while, please?

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paperheart

:: 2006 17 February :: 5.42pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Sarah Beth- Rascal Flatts

Yesterday we had a 1/2 day of school. I came home around 11:30am and helped my mom clean our house. Then I got a shower and went to Amy's. She was having a get together with just a few close friends for her birthday, which is on Monday. So Kristen, Randi, Jena, Amy and I had a pretty good time.

Today was senior skip day, so I stayed home from school, and I had the best day that I've had in a while. I had a long talk with someone, that was very much needed. It was nice.

Randi, Jena, & I might go out tonight. Maybe bowling or something. We're not too sure yet. Tomorrow I have Bridal Shower to go to, and I'm not too excited about that. I'll update some other time.

I love you.
Becky.



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paperheart

:: 2006 9 February :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Tonight I Wanna Cry- Keith Urban

I really don't ever feel updating anymore. I'm hardly ever on the computer, I always have an away message up on aim, and that's it.

So I guess alot has been going on. Numerous amounts of homework both in school and the class that I'm taking for the dual enrollment program. People that I were friends with before are no longer my friends, "friends" talking shit behind my back, and of course, the biggest thing-- me getting pissed off at everything and everyone. I don't even care anymore though. I just really don't care. I have my boyfriend, and that's all that I need.

The other night I was going to go shopping with Kristen & Randi, but that fell through. Then I was going to go shopping with Amy, but that fell through too. Then Jena and I were supposed to go but she wasn't able to get a car. So Sam asked me to go to Rite Aid tonight, and I went, and picked up a few things, then I went home. I was only out for about 45 minutes- big deal? Not really. Jena just called me though, and asked me to go to Rite Aid, but since I already went, I really don't feel like it. Not to mention, my mom hates when I go places. She says that I run to much. I disagree, but whatever. Her house, her rules I guess.

Becky.

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paperheart

:: 2006 2 February :: 5.36am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: I Wish You Were Here- Incubus

It's February 2nd already. Valentine's Day is coming up. It will be a year since my grandmother passed away; and I miss her like crazy. Nobody has any clue how much I miss her, and think about her. It's been 4 months since my grandfather passed away. [Different sides of the family. Dad's mom; but Mom's dad.] I miss him too. It's awkward without them being here.

Anyways, on a brighter note. There is one good thing about Valentine's Day. Actually having a boyfriend. But I have no clue what to get him. I'm on a budget of like $40-50. What a cheap girlfriend.

EDIT--[5:10pm]

We got report cards today. I have six A's and one B. Not too bad; atleast I made the honor roll. I got the B in Accounting, which kept me from making high honors. Blah.

I don't have much to update about, but I was bored; and just felt like saying something. I guess I'll go work on my homework for Medical Terminology. It takes forever to do.

Becky.

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paperheart

:: 2006 31 January :: 5.57pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Freaky- Juelz Santana

I guess you could say that today was pretty eventful. I've fought with Amy pretty much all day. I won't go into details. And no, I don't feel bad for fighting with her. She brought it all upon herself.

Randi, Jena, Kristen, & I always talk; and when we're telling stories or whatever, it comes to the point where we've caught Amy in a lie. It would be fine if it happened like once a month, but no, it's EVERYDAY. We are all fed up with her drama and lies.

Not to mention, Amy and I started fighting once I found out she's talking to my [older] brother. She's calling him, text messaging him, and talking to him on aol. It really bothers me. Maybe I'm taking it a little bit out of hand, but in my eyes, she's MY friend, not his. Do you think I'm overreacting? Honestly? I don't think so, but Amy does.

Becky.

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paperheart

:: 2006 29 January :: 12.47pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Believe- Brooks & Dunn

I've been sick all week and haven't felt like updating. I missed a day of school because I woke up with a really sore throat; not to mention I didn't have a voice that morning either. I still don't feel good, but I'm getting better. My ears hurt the worst though.



Today I went with my parents over to my grandma's house and made her breakfast again. Just as we do every weekend. Which is good considering she lives by herself. She needs the company.

School tomorrow; and class tomorrow night.

I love you.
Becky.





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paperheart

:: 2006 24 January :: 5.32am
:: Mood: tired

I started the medical terminology class at CCAC last night. I really liked it. It will be a lot of work; but nothing I can't handle. Last night we actually completed 3 chapters. I'm not used to that pace quite yet, but I'm still hanging on. We were also told that we have a test every week on the material we learned the week before. The class is from 6pm until 9:10pm every Monday.

I just wanted to update really quick. I need to go take a shower so I can get ready for school. Comment me.

Becky.

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paperheart

:: 2006 22 January :: 7.18pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd

This weekend was pretty much amazing. =]

Friday I came home from school and took a much needed nap. I woke up; and read for a while. After that I went out for the night with the best guy in the entire world. <333

On Saturday, I went to my grandmother's house with my parents, and we cooked her breakfast. I came home and then left again. After I got home, I cleaned my room and did some of my homework.

Today I was just laying around all day. I was waiting for 3pm to roll around so that I can watch the Steeler game. Which by the way was great. Steelers beat the Broncos; 34-17 and we're on our way to Detroit for the Superbowl. I'm not sure who we're playing yet; that game is still going on. It's probably going to be Seattle. I'm not too worried about it. The Steelers are going strong.

I love you.
Becky.

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paperheart

:: 2006 21 January :: 4.21pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Sarah McLachlan- Angel

When the broken hearts are mended and the many tears are dried, you learn. When you're over the old boyfriends and girlfriends and you realize you can live without your first love, you learn. You see that the world doesn't end just because you think it will, and that sometimes growing up means letting go. You learn what real love is, and you begin to see that one friend who really cares about you is better than a hundred friends who don't. You learn that you can be strong. Take each day step-by-step, and survive every sad moment. So feel the pain and cry the tears, go out and experience life. But when you're at the end of your rope, and you're ready to jump off that ledge, remember that heartache fades, pain subsides, and though life seems at times too tough to handle, it's also too precious a gift to waste. So keep living. Never give up, and remember: You Learn.

Becky.

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paperheart

:: 2006 19 January :: 12.21pm
:: Mood: pissed off

Ahh, I don't know why I haven't updated. Haven't felt like it I guess. Anyway, Amy and I went to the mall last night. After that we went to Wal*Mart and then went somewhere to get something to eat.

Today has been a really bad day since I woke up. Not to mention, Kristen and I are fighting again. We were sitting at lunch today; and she said:

Kristen- "Becky, I've been meaning to ask you something. What did Sam say about Randi & I being friends again?"

Me- "She didn't say anything."

Kristen- "You're lying."

Okay, so that's when I flipped and cussed her out. First of all, nobody will ever sit there and call me a liar to my face and not expect to get a bad response out of me. I'm not a liar, and I don't appreciate someone calling me one. Second of all, Sam really didn't say anything because she doesn't care. A lot of people are really self conscience, and think everyone talks about them. But actually, they are worthless and nobody could give a rat's ass about them.

Becky.





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