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godessalthena

:: 2017 29 August :: 10.27pm

in all honesty i probably am too hard on myself. i'm not even 30 yet, halfway to making 6 figure salary. i get 150 hours off a year and in 3 years it goes up to 180. im doing better than the average person my age i think?

so i don't have a house. so i don't have a kid. there's no rush to make those decisions even now. like everyone else i do have a lot of debt, like a revolving door. and yes credit cards get me in a little trouble but not like before.

i need to stop bullying myself over not being good enough compared to other people. i am good enough because my heart is large and i love and am loved. i an generous and i try to be there for my friends, even if there's static going on. i am not perfect and i do become self centered at times, but that is part of loving yourself.

itll be okay. the future is yet to be seen. hopefully the craziness that is our world right now settles and i can stop feeling completely out of control and pessimistic. i hate what america is doing right now, caving in on itself. it's terrifying what might come, but then again, what generation HASN'T felt that way?

so much stress.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2017 29 August :: 7.08pm

after 5 years of persistent hard work and dedication

i have finally achieved a goal i never thought possible

I JUST BLEW MY FIRST INTENTIONAL PERFECT SMOKE RING!!!!
omg omg omg

is like to thank marihuana cigarettes for making this all finally come true

through the sweet ganja goddess
all things are possible

give me props


koalalady

:: 2017 29 August :: 4.01pm
:: Mood: defiant

trying to listen to my intuition
I thought that I needed to master each lesson in turn before moving on to the next. But some lessons are absorbed over time, and you can't get the full meaning just by repeating the words until they're memorized.

I admit, I confess. But I also object, and I demand redress.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2017 26 August :: 9.04pm

feeling left behind or left out

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2017 23 August :: 5.21pm

starving myself hurts WAY less than feeding myself.

anorexia here i come!

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2017 21 August :: 5.52pm

when you have IBS is it like an every day kinda thing? or does it come and go like crohn's?

because idk if i can live every day feeling like this.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2017 19 August :: 8.48am

the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that a couple people would be devastated if i stopped

but another 50 years of this? another 50 years of living the same bullshit every single day.

the sad eternal sorrow lodged deep in my heart

knowing this stone in my chest will never start beating again

i am an empty husk of a person, bland, boring, vanilla

a waste to time of space of paint

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2017 19 August :: 1.11am

SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY

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godessalthena

:: 2017 17 August :: 5.39pm

looking forward to the future exhausts me to no end
thinking of all the days marching before me
looking at all the days that have marched past me
it's too much
it isn't enough
to keep me

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2017 17 August :: 2.09pm

i just want to know if i got the job

so i can tell this place fuck you very much

give me props


goodbye

:: 2017 15 August :: 9.54pm

Everyone is talking about how they want to punch Nazis.

Let me just say this, I would rather live in a country that allows me to protest for anything I want to say than a country that doesn't allow me to protest at all. So many of my friends hate that everyone is using freedom of speech but that is far better than running over the protestors and I'd much rather hear someone allowed to speak their minds than see people being thrown in jail for uttering those words at all.

I hate racists. They are the scum of the earth. My job involves getting rid of them and I love that... but violence begets violence. The reason why the Civil Rights movement was so effective was because of Martin Luther King Jr, not Malcolm X. Dr. King used his words and his reason to speak to the bistandards of the horrible atrocities and convince them of his cause, convince them to rally with him, convince them that his black brothers and sisters were not violent but were peaceful and just wanted a country to call home that would allow them to raise their families safely, freely, and with basic human rights: exactly the same thing the bistandards desired for themselves.

I don't think punching white nationalists is the right thing to do however completely it shuts them up. The point of America is not to silence the people.

At the same time, no one deserved to be run over either. That was such a terrible thing.

During the course of my life, I have had to learn the consequences of both racially-charged language and violence. I have learned. I have grown. I understand the gravity of my actions and I hope others do as well.

If we are headed for civil war it would be a tragic thing. I will continue to believe that a non-violent course of action is what is right. One day I may get punched for saying that myself but until I use self-defense, that is what I have hope for: a non-violent end to this conflict.

give me props


koalalady

:: 2017 15 August :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Explosions in the Sky

I miss working with D so fucking much.

For one thing, he was talented. Not as good as me, but he was smart, and passionate, and political, and he knew the game even better than I did. He knew what I could do, and he knew what I wanted. And for a little while, I thought I was what he wanted.

Honestly I didn't mind so much, the way that things ended in that department. But the fact that he stopped talking to me about his projects and ideas, the fact that we stopped composing and writing, that fucking killed me. I didn't care about losing a boy toy. But I really cared about losing my partner.

That's what he was to me: my creative partner. Do you know how fucking rare that is to find? Someone who likes you and shares enough of your headspace to collaborate on a project, let alone dream up a lifetime of projects?

And then he just...stopped...
...replying to emails, texts...
...and got married...


About four years ago (after we had already stopped talking, way before he got married) I was getting on a plane in the middle of some shitty weather, and I had one of those overhyped, irrational fear moments where I wondered maybe for a second if the plane might not land - that I might not come out the other side. So I pulled out my phone, literally jogging with my luggage down the terminal (because we also had like 5 minutes or something before the next plane was scheduled for takeoff), and he was the person I called with my minute to spare. Not my boyfriend, not my parents, not my best friend. I called D, and went to voicemail - and yeah, I left one of those sappy messages that's like, "... ... ..." but what could I say? I love you? I miss you? Even then, it would have been too much. So I just said something completely stupid like... "hey...I'm about to get on a plane...thinking of you..."

He told me later that he got it. But I don't know whether he "got" what I was really trying to say, behind the words, in that moment.

I never talk about him anymore, or think about him, really. But sometimes when I'm wondering why it's so hard to be creative on my own, without a structure, or a friend, I remember D. And I feel just a little bit better knowing that somewhere, a billion years ago before I got all jaded and empty, someone took my hand...and walked along with me and saw what I saw when I pointed up at the stars and said, "that looks like..." and "what if we...?"

give me props


koalalady

:: 2017 14 August :: 11.55pm
:: Mood: pissed off

-
I am not your friend.
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your family.

give me props


koalalady

:: 2017 10 August :: 2.26pm

We're moving out by next year. I could use a change of scene for sure. Currently fantasizing about a kitschy townhome way too close to downtown, where the leaves will turn yellow and crisp in the fall and rustle along the sidewalk in piles and tipsy tailgaters will stagger past in noisy droves en route to the football stadium, giving us something to complain about every Saturday afternoon.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2017 9 August :: 2.11pm

ugh

give me props

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