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godessalthena

:: 2017 19 August :: 8.48am

the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that a couple people would be devastated if i stopped

but another 50 years of this? another 50 years of living the same bullshit every single day.

the sad eternal sorrow lodged deep in my heart

knowing this stone in my chest will never start beating again

i am an empty husk of a person, bland, boring, vanilla

a waste to time of space of paint

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godessalthena

:: 2017 19 August :: 1.11am

SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY

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godessalthena

:: 2017 17 August :: 5.39pm

looking forward to the future exhausts me to no end
thinking of all the days marching before me
looking at all the days that have marched past me
it's too much
it isn't enough
to keep me

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godessalthena

:: 2017 17 August :: 2.09pm

i just want to know if i got the job

so i can tell this place fuck you very much

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koalalady

:: 2017 15 August :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Explosions in the Sky

I miss working with D so fucking much.

For one thing, he was talented. Not as good as me, but he was smart, and passionate, and political, and he knew the game even better than I did. He knew what I could do, and he knew what I wanted. And for a little while, I thought I was what he wanted.

Honestly I didn't mind so much, the way that things ended in that department. But the fact that he stopped talking to me about his projects and ideas, the fact that we stopped composing and writing, that fucking killed me. I didn't care about losing a boy toy. But I really cared about losing my partner.

That's what he was to me: my creative partner. Do you know how fucking rare that is to find? Someone who likes you and shares enough of your headspace to collaborate on a project, let alone dream up a lifetime of projects?

And then he just...stopped...
...replying to emails, texts...
...and got married...


About four years ago (after we had already stopped talking, way before he got married) I was getting on a plane in the middle of some shitty weather, and I had one of those overhyped, irrational fear moments where I wondered maybe for a second if the plane might not land - that I might not come out the other side. So I pulled out my phone, literally jogging with my luggage down the terminal (because we also had like 5 minutes or something before the next plane was scheduled for takeoff), and he was the person I called with my minute to spare. Not my boyfriend, not my parents, not my best friend. I called D, and went to voicemail - and yeah, I left one of those sappy messages that's like, "... ... ..." but what could I say? I love you? I miss you? Even then, it would have been too much. So I just said something completely stupid like... "hey...I'm about to get on a plane...thinking of you..."

He told me later that he got it. But I don't know whether he "got" what I was really trying to say, behind the words, in that moment.

I never talk about him anymore, or think about him, really. But sometimes when I'm wondering why it's so hard to be creative on my own, without a structure, or a friend, I remember D. And I feel just a little bit better knowing that somewhere, a billion years ago before I got all jaded and empty, someone took my hand...and walked along with me and saw what I saw when I pointed up at the stars and said, "that looks like..." and "what if we...?"

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koalalady

:: 2017 14 August :: 11.55pm
:: Mood: pissed off

-
I am not your friend.
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your family.

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koalalady

:: 2017 10 August :: 2.26pm

We're moving out by next year. I could use a change of scene for sure. Currently fantasizing about a kitschy townhome way too close to downtown, where the leaves will turn yellow and crisp in the fall and rustle along the sidewalk in piles and tipsy tailgaters will stagger past in noisy droves en route to the football stadium, giving us something to complain about every Saturday afternoon.

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godessalthena

:: 2017 9 August :: 2.11pm

ugh

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koalalady

:: 2017 5 August :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Kaikoura Dub

excuse me for reading
So EXCUSE ME FOR READING at pool parties after I get exhausted from making small talk for four hours with ten strangers I don't know. EXCUSE ME for daring to crack open a book and engage my brain cells while you're jumping down waterslides - without breaking your neck by going backwards, I might add, at my advice. But sure, trash talk me behind my back, like a fucking pussy, after I fix your stupid bathing suit top and everything to keep your little titties from popping out in the middle of a conversation with your dumb jock friends. That's right, go ahead and smirk at me from far away like a little bitch while I read me some Virginia Woolf, who makes for much better company than you, you vapid attention whore.

2 props | give me props


godessalthena

:: 2017 4 August :: 8.07pm

dabs drinks and r&b from the 2000s with friends

dreams really do come true

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godessalthena

:: 2017 4 August :: 4.47pm

life is too short

to voluntarily enslave yourself

to misery

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godessalthena

:: 2017 3 August :: 10.53am

today started really rough

had a mental breakdown right before my interview

hurt my back sitting on that orange couch last night

late payments and shitty IVR and customer service representatives

Now everything is squared away, i wish my belly would settle down


i really hope i get this. i need out. i'm breaking up with you, work, and it hurts me more than it'll ever hurt you.

why do you have to keep breaking my heart?

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koalalady

:: 2017 3 August :: 9.51am

'Emily is Away'
Hey friends, koalalady has a summer games suggestion: 'Emily is Away'. It's an IM-based choices game, and if you like Woohu and have been hanging around here for a while, you might like this game. It's short and sweet, and you don't have to do anything except type. Be prepared for all the early 2000s nostalgia.

Oh, and it's free to play and works on both Mac and Windows.

xoxo, koalady

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godessalthena

:: 2017 2 August :: 11.46pm

why do the hide men's faces in porn?

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godessalthena

:: 2017 28 July :: 9.07pm

i know im not alone in the way i feel

but how many other people feel this way

how do they cope

just one foot in front of the other?

it feels that simple but is it really?

i am losing my mind but i'm terrified to make a change

i settled into quicksand and i don't know if i can claw my way out

when i started at liberty it was a shining beacon of hope. i finally made it. i finally am going to make enough money to pay my bills and see the doctors i need. 7 years later and all i see is a dark moldy ship crawling it's way along a roiling black sea cannon shells marring the hull and we are all furiously bailing the toxic water out. i cry at work.i try to be a cheerleader because everyone is so buried in misery. and we just keep bailing while our muscles tear from the ligaments and the ligaments from the bone. and they tell us to smile "it could be worse". but hell is different for different people. and i can see it in everyone's eyes the trapped feeling they have. this suffocating doe eye expression claustrobia overtaking them the paper walls are tumbling on us and we and getting lacerated in the avalanche

how do we all keep going? how has no one snapped yet?

it's just too much.

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