home | profile | guestbook


woohu HQ

recent entries | past entries


godessalthena

:: 2018 25 July :: 9.28pm

heavy sigh

I don't think I will ever be happy with what I have

and I will never feel good enough

give me props


koalalady

:: 2018 23 July :: 1.02pm

MOVING A WEEK FROM TOMORROW

We're getting a real bed. We're getting wine glasses and a mop and hardwood floors. We're getting a basement, and a washer and dryer. We're getting the fuck out of here.

I have so much to do!

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.32pm

at his show bill burr said that he wasted so much time in his 20s & 30s worrying and being depressed about things that ultimately didn't matter. at the end of your life, everything either happened or it didn't.

and it doesn't really matter. so why worry?

why do I waste my time worrying about everyone else and everything people expect of me. I honestly don't even know what I expect of myself. I don't know what I want it of life, I guess I have goals, but if something changes and I have to change those goals it's not the end of the world.

I am like a river, full of endless cold rushing depths. I try to keep flowing forward, but sometimes a rock will look familiar, a tree will remind me of you, I get stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it.

I still can't get over the absurdity of conciousness and the human race. of even "being". to be and to contemplate my existence. to feel like a rider in a mechanical fleshy gollum. going through the motions, being an observer in those quiet moments no one ever knows.

I'm still lonely. a permanent companion.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.27pm

you don't need a friend

boy, you're a man

give me props


koalalady

:: 2018 20 July :: 10.00am

I miss having a best friend. T-T


11 days until moving day!

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 19 July :: 10.23pm

I frustrated myself to no end

I just can't find words

but I so desperately want to connect

I don't know what to say or how to say it and I feel like I'm drifting away

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 19 July :: 8.49am

need the secret to mind reading

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 18 July :: 10.22pm

everything feels so empty

I put on a smile and crack a joke to calm those around me

going through the motions fake it til you make it

i want to be spoiled

give me props


koalalady

:: 2018 16 July :: 12.51pm

15 days until moving day.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 15 July :: 10.39am

I don't want to live because the pain in my heart often feels too much to bear

but I also kinda am looking forward to the grown up things

but I also have a very strong feeling I'm too sad inside to be a good mother. that this pain will make me terrible yo my kids and make them resent me in the future, or come out damaged like me. and how could I protect them from what happened to me?

there isn't a way. but if that happened to them? how could I ever forgive myself?

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 14 July :: 12.01am

the loneliness it's rather soul crushing

and it isn't for a lack of people who would listen

I just have no words to express my thoughts or feelings

I just want to fade into nothingness until all there is of me is a bitter memory... I feel so small and utterly insignificant because I am.

and so alone inside like I was made missing something I can never have.

give me props


koalalady

:: 2018 12 July :: 11.09am

19 days until moving day.

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 12 July :: 7.35am

I know you won't ever admit it, but I know it's the booze.

seeing bill Burr this weekend with my bestie in Seattle as her day gift.

my cars timing cover is jacked, $700+ repair after the $1,000 I put into it since my bday. it's only a 2012 :( I should have done more research. apparently this cover issue could have caused all the other shit that broke so thankfully CarMax is doing these repairs for free!

also the lady who sold me my car did the warranty wrong so I got a bonus 25,000 miles on my warranty! hellaaaaaa

hopefully this is the last thing went with it for a while. I got this car to be more reliable than my last and now I've spent more money on this 2012 than my 1996 Nissan or my 1992 Mercury.

next car I get I want it to be an ultra smooth ride with no inside sound with as sun roof. it's going to have being inside and underneath. it'll be some time of El Camino or maybe just an Ute.

keep dreaming dreamers

give me props


godessalthena

:: 2018 9 July :: 10.58pm

my boss complimented my better attitude today

but said she wasn't sure if it was sincere and it's like what does it even matter I'm smiling I'm cracking jokes people are happy that's what you want so let's just don't worry about the deeper parts

everything that could have gone wrong cooking tonight did but it still turned into wonderful

give me props


koalalady

:: 2018 9 July :: 11.10am

the Future
Finally, we're starting to talk about it. I couldn't be happier. I'm glad I stuck it out, glad I waited. We looked at rings the other day, and I got a good recommendation for couples therapy from my therapist. My head is finally clear, and I'm ready to move forward.

G is visiting this week, which is nice. He is almost kind of like a brother-in-law figure at this point. We are all going up to Michigan for T's wedding party on Saturday. G's going to help us move into the new apartment at the end of the month, so I guess he's just hanging out between Michigan and Columbus for the next few weeks. It will be interesting.

I cut down drinking again. My body just can't process alcohol like it used to, in really weird ways. If I have a beer after 5pm, even just one, I'll be wide away at 2 a.m., completely robbed of sleep for hours. Can't afford that with my busy lifestyle. It doesn't happen with wine or cocktails, and obviously I sleep best and feel best the next day if I just don't drink at all. So I'm trying to pay more attention to that these days.

Today has been good so far. Trying to finish up this big annoying project for work that is part of the reason I've been stalled out and unproductive for the past week. I went to the library on Saturday and got some new books to read. It's been ages since I did that, got some books and read with my eyes. It feels good to read in the evenings rather than fuck around on the Internet.

22 days until moving day!

give me props

Woohu.com | Random Journal