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koalalady

:: 2018 9 July :: 11.10am

the Future
Finally, we're starting to talk about it. I couldn't be happier. I'm glad I stuck it out, glad I waited. We looked at rings the other day, and I got a good recommendation for couples therapy from my therapist. My head is finally clear, and I'm ready to move forward.

G is visiting this week, which is nice. He is almost kind of like a brother-in-law figure at this point. We are all going up to Michigan for T's wedding party on Saturday. G's going to help us move into the new apartment at the end of the month, so I guess he's just hanging out between Michigan and Columbus for the next few weeks. It will be interesting.

I cut down drinking again. My body just can't process alcohol like it used to, in really weird ways. If I have a beer after 5pm, even just one, I'll be wide away at 2 a.m., completely robbed of sleep for hours. Can't afford that with my busy lifestyle. It doesn't happen with wine or cocktails, and obviously I sleep best and feel best the next day if I just don't drink at all. So I'm trying to pay more attention to that these days.

Today has been good so far. Trying to finish up this big annoying project for work that is part of the reason I've been stalled out and unproductive for the past week. I went to the library on Saturday and got some new books to read. It's been ages since I did that, got some books and read with my eyes. It feels good to read in the evenings rather than fuck around on the Internet.

22 days until moving day!

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koalalady

:: 2018 5 July :: 2.28pm

Lethargy, again
I have too much free time today, and not enough energy to work. Ridiculous!!! I went for a walk on the trail this morning. Need to start exercising again, but I just have no goddamn energy for anything. Been drained of energy since I was 19. It all just stopped one day.

We need to get a real bed, and better sheets. I need a comfortable desk and a chair to work on at home. I should be working hard so I have the money to get these things for myself. I know it will be easier after we move. I just don't want to spend a single more goddamn night on the futon. I have to, at least until we get into the new house. Still have to live there. I can't even open the goddamn windows, and it is KILLING ME.

Why am I so tired????? Everything is finally going good. Maybe it's just my mood today. I know it's not as bad as it's been for the last three years. Even these years have been better than when I was living in Michigan. Good goddamn riddance.

26 days until we move.

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koalalady

:: 2018 4 July :: 11.37am

tidying
Anybody read that popular cleaning book, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo?

I'm about halfway through it right now. It's been getting harder and harder to stay focused on work whenever I'm at home. Can't relax anywhere, always antsy, the dry air is making me crazy, etc., etc., see previous post. Well, last night I just had enough. I started organizing the boxes we've already started to pack in the living room. I packed up my painting supplies and went through a pile of junk that needed sorting.

Next, I went to my bedroom and pulled out some bags and boxes of crap from the closet. I kept at it until I was sneezing from the dust and I had filled another trash bag of stuff to throw away, started another box of things to donate or sell. This morning, when I woke up, I went to my room and started working again straightaway. I emptied my dresser and sorted my entire jewelry collection. I even went through most of my mementos and knick-knacks and got rid of some of them. It felt like such a relief to toss some of those things in the bin or in the sell box. Like, actual relief. Didn't expect that.

I have to take another break for now, because my dust allergies are out of control after all that. I have half a mind to challenge myself to a screen fast. No Reddit, no Netflix, etc. Maybe I'll do some sight-reading.

Life is exhausting.

27 days until moving day.

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koalalady

:: 2018 2 July :: 5.25pm

Lethargy
We're moving this month. Yay!
I'm really exicted to get out of this apartment. It is dirty, and all the space blends together. I need to get a proper desk, a proper bed, and a proper kitchen table.

I just bought a pair of new running shoes this morning. I haven't worked out in about two weeks, and longer before that. It is so difficult to maintain momentum after we go somewhere out of town.

I'm hoping that a change of scene will be enough to get me back on track. I have so much crap I need to get rid of. Haven't gone through everything in my closet yet. Sorting by category, that's what I'm supposed to do. I work so damn much during the week that by the time Saturday rolls around, my one day off (granted that I don't have any lessons to do in the morning), I'm completely wiped out. There's not a good space for me to set up my paints or crack open a journal or even read a goddamn book and not feel...vulnerable. All creativity and productivity is squandered in this icky environment.

I know that my habits will follow me into the new house, but I firmly believe that packing up, moving out, and moving into a new place will give me the jumpstart I need to get out of...whatever this funk is. Run ragged, bled of energy and brainspace. Doesn't help matters when I'm constantly reading Reddit threads, browsing Imgur, watching Netflix and HBO. All I do is consume, vomit, and reconsume digital content. Graphic, but kinda true.

Going to wear my new shoes tomorrow while I'm out running errands or getting a coffee. Two hours the first time, then four hours the time after that - would it be crazy to wear them all day on Wednesday? Maybe just while I'm teaching.

Haven't done a Tarot spread in weeks. Haven't been to the Wild Woman New Moon circle in months. Haven't written any journal entries of substance since Santa Fe. At least I'm finding time to practice, and my voice is doing better. And I'm eating relatively healthy.

29 days until moving day.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 2 July :: 1.57pm

my sleeve is FINALLY FINISHED

after 5 years and 48 hours of work this beautiful creation has all the pieces filled.

but he use two different blacks and half is in the new black and half is in the old (the old stuff looks kinda grew, like graphite). I kinda want him to go other all the lines again but fuuuuuck


this last appointment was definitely the most painful (possibly second after the elbow, but I don't quite remember if it was worse or not)

he also touched up my totoros and back stars so they look a lot more clean and vibrant!

I love all of them. I'm so happy it's finally done :)

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godessalthena

:: 2018 29 June :: 10.47pm

why do I still try

don't try

it doesn't matter either way

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godessalthena

:: 2018 27 June :: 1.51pm

I know how to cope with my depression, I know I can't dwell on my set backs, but I was really, really counting on at least getting an interview, and now you tell me they've hired everyone they want to for now.

but it's not ok to be upset about that.gotta just keep moving forward like a cold unfeeling robot arm.

I'm so fucking sick of all this. just leave me alone. I am shutting myself away so none of you have to feel compelled to give me any more advice I didn't ask for, or more negative words that I don't need, or telling me to do shit I'm not fucking going to do.

IM DRIVING MY OWN GOD DAMNED BUS AND I WILL BE AS FUCKING SAD AS I WANTO TO BE ABOUT WHATEVER I WANT TO BE SAD ABOUT.

I'm not asking for help. my experience is my responsibility. I'm not asking to be lifted up and told fluffy lies about myself.

just leave me be and let me rot alone in absurdity.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 26 June :: 7.04am

finally got rid of my Facebook, feels good to get rid of Zuckerberg's robot lizard eyes in my life.

I got accepted to start working from home, so hopefully I will start feeling better about work. I won't have to try and dodge questions about how I am or how my weekends went. I won't have to wear uncomfortable clothing and starve all day. I will be able to go for a walk and a park instead of a huge parking lot next to the Comcast building.

what I really need is a hug and to be held. I wish someone could tell me everything is going to be alright, but I know it isn't at this point.

I'm trying to accept the facts that I will never feel rested again and that the world will always be a horrible depressing place as long as other humans exist in it. humans are the worst. we aren't special, so stop thinking we are.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 25 June :: 8.45pm

sometimes I'd be nice for words and not just gifs.

idk. I both love and hate the internet.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 25 June :: 3.12pm

my boss told me to keep my promotion I need to be happy at work

I told her to fucking take both the raise and promotion and shove it up LM's asshole because I'm not going to fake it so management can have the warm and fuzzies.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 24 June :: 8.45am

when everything inside looks like everything you hate

there is no hope for change
there are no chances to take

I'm on fire burning at the absurdity

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godessalthena

:: 2018 22 June :: 7.05pm

stupid piece of shit white skin.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 22 June :: 9.51am

on vacation trying to have a good time

feeling like a piece of shit failure

I hate being alive

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spud

:: 2018 18 June :: 8.15am

link to article

It took some digging through sensationalist headlines to get straight to the source, but I'm glad I did. This is a very well-written account, explicit in its intent, which is not malicious. Some parts of this hit closer to home for me than others, but all of it is far too common a story. We could all stand to be better to each other, and to ourselves. How often we are held captive by our fears.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 14 June :: 6.55pm

I want to offer my condolences to anyone who doesn't have a sister or isn't on close terms with their sisters...

because I absolutely love my sister and I would be so lost without her. it's a special connection between sisters, especially when you grow up close in age.

we might not talk every day or see each other all the time, but she always has my back and I always have hers. she helps me see insights into myself I wouldn't have otherwise, and always comforts me even when there isn't anything else to be done.

I just hope she knows that she is the most precious gem I know

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