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:: 2017 14 July :: 4.09pm

i love emily she is the best human being i know

i cannot fucking wait to visit canada for the first time!

spending 2 nights in waterton, surrounded by lakes and forests and glaciers (what's left of those)

it's going to be another epic trip! these yearly adventures are what keep me going.

daring escapes
saving princesses
slaying witches


give me props


:: 2017 6 July :: 11.17am

i was born no good

and no good is what i'll forever be

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:: 2017 1 July :: 6.58am

im tired of always being the back up friend, the bank, the taxi.

im tired of always being a last resort. a go to when people dump you.

but no one is ever there for me when i need it. kind words are rare to come by.

my brother is probably my best friend right now, which is kinda fucked up. but at least he asks me if i'm ok.

im tired. so so tired.

give me props


:: 2017 1 July :: 12.28am

i hate my job because of its repetitive, redundant, and bureaucratic nature. i perform the same task over and over again and get allotted a different % in different categories. my goals are based in these %. hitting goal gets me raise. but still i find this as motivational as a free foot massage would be to the act of standing up.

yet, i play this repetitious fantasy social game, competeing with my teammates and other teams. i love this escape, despite its repetitive game play, performing simple repetitive tasks and participating in events so you can collect 'em all! but it absorbs me and i get lost in trying to climb higher in my team ranks. it makes me feel very validated to see my number of medals go up.

at work we set goal numbers at the beginning of the week and then show our end of week, and celebrate each other for doing well or whatever.

it's never very motivating. i keep a diary of every interaction i have for almost 1 past year (i delete after a year). i love scrolling back through my weeks and seeing how much work i've done. i like seeing that i've actually accomplished a great deal of work despite being pulled in many directions. and today i was chastised for doing this. then i was chastised for putting what i felt to be an essential step to a process in an instructional video i've done a billion times.

i have an interview on monday for a supervisor position. i won't get it but i just need the exposure i need to try something. i cried for 2 hours at work but my boss (who is out of blue abandoning me) thinks i should stay. despite how miserable i am.

but maybe it's not work. maybe it's me. how can i tell?

anyway it would be cool to make work feel more like a game. so i could feel accomplished for getting shit done rather than buried in it.

bleh. no one cares. my life is boring.


give me props


:: 2017 29 June :: 5.32pm

im just ready for this all to stop.

i hate every single god damned beautiful day.

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:: 2017 28 June :: 3.10pm
:: Music: Kygo

I used to know exactly what I needed. There was a time when I could wake up, walk outside, and feel what my body and my mind were craving. Now it's harder to tell. Now my instincts are less sure-footed.

But, in a lot of ways, I did get what I wanted. I got out of Cedar. I got to disappear. I got away from the people and the culture and the religion that I didn't really like that much. Despite my constant anxiety about being a "failure" who "everybody hates," I am a working artist. I am, quite objectively, making it.


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:: 2017 20 June :: 10.45pm

applied to a job outside of LM

i really, really want this

i need out, everything is screaming at me GET THE FUCK OUT

so why do i hesitate

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:: 2017 16 June :: 11.54pm

When something I hold dear is out to hurt me
I kick that feeble dream and whisper something like a prayer

No more shame, no more fear, no more dread

give me props


:: 2017 16 June :: 8.38pm

boring bland artificial vanilla pasty vapid windbag is all i have amounted to

remember the days when you still felt alive?

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:: 2017 15 June :: 11.52pm

Goddamnit, the episode with Fry's mom in Futurama gets me every time. *sniff, sniff*

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:: 2017 15 June :: 3.02pm





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:: 2017 15 June :: 12.17pm

how much would everyone hate me if i just decided to get knocked up and did it all myself

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:: 2017 14 June :: 8.24pm

today i smoked a blunt which was wrapped with a single marijuana leaf.

it tasted delicious and made my lips tingle pleasantly.

i just love weed so god damned much.

it's my life line out of this insanity.

give me props


:: 2017 10 June :: 12.11pm
:: Mood: pensive

On Getting What You Want Out of Life
I have a habit of working myself all up to want something...really want something...and when I finally knock on the door of opportunity...I knock just once. Ba-dump bump, it's me, any room in the inn? and if it doesn't open, I turn away, go sit down, and remain motionless for years at a time.

I do not recommend this strategy.

give me props


:: 2017 8 June :: 12.31pm

"I'm not going to sit here and try to interpret the President's tweets."

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