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godessalthena

:: 2021 3 December :: 6.27am

life is an empty picture frame. no memories worth keeping, no memories worth making.

nothing matters. life is absurd. I just want to set myself on fire and watch as I turn to ash.

what is the point to all of this? my purpose in life is to push pencils and make money for soulless corporations. there is nothing bigger. the struggle against the machine is futile.

it all doesn't fucking matter.

so why am I so paralyzed

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godessalthena

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.44am

a rusty old ghost, in a broken down machine

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godessalthena

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.04am

been up since 3am, slept like shit. getting as high as I possibly can so I can stop crying.

I just need someone to talk to, but no one is around. don't have my car and stuck with these fucking mongrels.

I'm tires of feeling unimportant I'm tired of sleeping alone even though I'm with you.

I'm yet again just a bank account, a cold unfeeling ATM that needs some tender love and care.

I should have done more to keep Corry alive. if he hadn't died, this spiral would have started so early.. maybe we could have weathered the storms a little better if you were still here. I got you to the hospital and then I fucking abandoned you like a fucking yellowbelly rat.

I'm so so sorry. and I'll never get to tell you that. and you wint know. you won't know...

I feel so lost. 12 years of my life wasted with narcissistic alcoholics. I definitely have a type. and I'm really over it. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then risk another mistake.

I'm such a half assed fuck up. thanks mom n dad for always loving me, no matter what stupid fucking mistakes I've made. I don't deserve you

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koalalady

:: 2021 19 November :: 10.11am

There will be no candle of Hope this year. Hope is no longer enough. There will be no candle of Peace this year. For there is no peace without justice. There will be no candle of Joy this year. There are too many empty places at the table to rejoice. But there will be Light. Light that shines in the darkness illuminating injustice and indifference. The lights I kindle will join with the lights others kindle and expose the depravity that steals, kills and consumes our children and, those complicit with it. This Advent is a season of preparation. We have work to do. Stay awake. Stay awake to injustice. And stay awake to justice, wherever it may be lest we despair. Stay awake. Or, as we say on twitter: #StayWoke.

Translation by Wil Gafney, Ph.D.

^ This was written in 2014.

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godessalthena

:: 2021 18 November :: 8.35am
:: Music: baroness

first inside show since the pandemic started and it was hopping

very small crowd very intimate and very bad ass

I'm glad we went, it was just what we needed

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koalalady

:: 2021 18 November :: 9.17am

Thank God Saturn is finally going direct again. Even Jesus has been asleep in the garden.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2021 17 November :: 10.57pm
:: Music: AJR and Daisy the Great- Record Player

Sometimes I think all I'm ever doin' is/ Tryin' to convince myself I'm alive.
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I'm in an elevator, it's goin' down, down, down
I spent forever with my feet on the ground
But not now (not now)
'Cause I don't wanna do the wrong thing
Guess I gotta go and get famous for doin' nothing
Da-da-da-da-da
Crack a smile, crack a smile
Da-da-da-da-da
Stay a while, stay a while
Da-da-da-da-da
Am I holdin' for applause?
Is it gone? Is this on?
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I'm in the simulator, I'm doin' a-okay
But every day is just rewind and replay
Not today
I'll head out to Monterey
Throw my phone into the waves
Can you see it in my eyes? Am I finally awake?
Crack a smile, crack a smile
Stay a while, stay a while
I think the best is yet to come
So drink up and good luck
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue, it came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees
Sometimes I think all I'm ever doin' is
Tryin' to convince myself I'm alive
Sometimes I think all I'm ever doin' is
Tryin' to convince myself I'm climbing in the trees

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godessalthena

:: 2021 3 November :: 9.14am

what's your favorite pass time?

mine is sleep

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munkysaurus

:: 2021 30 October :: 12.32am

Crackle fingertips upon the edge of thought
Mr. J...J meaning journal. Did you know that "jour" is a french word for day and "nal" meaning daily, so jour-nal. Daily. You're name is really daily. Daily.

You've been a friend for so long. Good and bad. A post, 20 years ago, described in such detail--the advent of a little brother. Received by a brother who was still, himself, such a young man.

Girlfriends, you figured it out. They're people and you need to find a decent one.

We shared allegory of the fall of Icarus, aspiring and burned, falling into the torrent river. Washing downstream. They don't talk about the fate of Icarus after his fall. A fool, sure, but learned in something of value.

Well, Mr. J, you are the river now. You are the storm. The sun is your device. The world is yours.

There is nothing stopping you, the world is yours.

Rest easy, past self.

Rest.

I have you now, with tender, strong arms.

Yours, Mr. J., a gentle soul somewhere in Andy's server. You listen and carry our message.

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jedibumblebee

:: 2021 15 October :: 3.46pm
:: Music: Olivia Rodrigo- brutal

They say these are the golden years/ But I wish I could disappear/ Ego crush is so severe/ God, it's brutal out here...
I want it to be, like, messy
I'm so insecure, I think
That I'll die before I drink
And I'm so caught up in the news
Of who likes me and who hates you
And I'm so tired that I might
Quit my job, start a new life
And they'd all be so disappointed
'Cause who am I, if not exploited?
And I'm so sick of 17
Where's my fucking teenage dream?
If someone tells me one more time
"Enjoy your youth, " I'm gonna cry
And I don't stick up for myself
I'm anxious and nothing can help
And I wish I'd done this before
And I wish people liked me more
All I did was try my best
This the kind of thanks I get?
Unrelentlessly upset (ah, ah, ah)
They say these are the golden years
But I wish I could disappear
Ego crush is so severe
God, it's brutal out here
(Yeah!)
I feel like no one wants me
And I hate the way I'm perceived
I only have two real friends
And lately, I'm a nervous wreck
'Cause I love people I don't like
And I hate every song I write
And I'm not cool and I'm not smart
And I can't even parallel park
All I did was try my best
This the kind of thanks I get?
Unrelentlessly upset (ah, ah, ah)
They say these are the golden years
But I wish I could disappear
Ego crush is so severe
God, it's brutal out here
(Yeah! Just having a really good time)
Got a broken ego, broken heart
(It's brutal out here, it's brutal out here)
And God, I don't even know where to start

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koalalady

:: 2021 1 October :: 12.58pm

Salsa Verde Recipe

tomatillos
garlic - 2 garlic cloves
minced white onion
2 or 3 serrano chiles
cilantro

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koalalady

:: 2021 29 September :: 12.06pm
:: Mood: determined

life update / rant
Dad got heart surgery on September 7th. Double bypass. I've been staying with him in Michigan for the last three and a half weeks taking care of him. Spent a week in Spectrum Hospital downtown GR, visiting him every day. The day of the surgery was something else. Physically he's recovering really well, which is good news. Back on his feet, making his own meals, no infections or complications following the procedure, etc., etc. But there's a lot of other stuff going on...

Dad still has bed bugs and refuses to take action to get rid of them, so I've been staying in a camping tent with a blow-up mattress outside his house. Well, they found me anyway. I now have maybe 15 bites on my face, neck, and leg. I don't have a safe place to sleep or a way to get clean. We have an extermination scheduled for next week, so that's good. I'm trying to be patient and forgiving, but I am very upset that I've been exposed again. There's always a chance I can bring the bugs home with me. Even with all the precautions I took this time - poison, lemongrass oil, never wearing any clothes into my tent that have been inside the house, a goddamn tent OUTSIDE - it still didn't work. Based on their sheer tenacity and resourcefulness, I'd call them the Walter Whites of the insect world, but even he had some redeeming qualities.

Dad's memory loss is getting worse and worse, which is making his insulin pump increasingly impossible to manage (type 1 diabetic). I have a meeting with an assisted living facility next week and will be putting down a $2k deposit to get him on the waiting list. He can't live alone anymore. I'm going home next weekend, and crossing my fingers that he'll somehow manage to be OK until we get an opening and can move him in. Then he'll be in a much safer place, but his care bill will be $4500 a month (A MONTH) ad infinitum. God bless America.

To top it all off, my mom came down with a pretty serious case of COVID over the weekend. She went to the emergency room yesterday and they've got her on 15 litres of oxygen per day. She's lying on her stomach most of the time because it's easier to breathe that way. She's in North Carolina and since I'm currently in Michigan, with my hands already full taking care of my demented, bed-bug ridden dad, there's not much I can do at the moment - plus she's in a COVID isolation unit so no visitors allowed anyway.

She spent the last 18 months insisting that COVID was just like the regular flu, refused the vaccine, and was hurtful and abusive towards me at every turn (typical). Would I even visit her if I was back home in Chapel Hill? Probably - she's still my mom.

Some of my Michigan friends - M, K, R - all know I'm in town, and I've promised to work out a visit with each of them at some point - but how? I simply don't have the time. I know it would be good for me to see them face to face, but any time I *do* get to sneak away from my dad's care / bed bug prevention / communicating with family is pretty much going towards work. My boss has been great and very understanding. If I don't get enough raw time to throw at work though, I just won't make enough money to sustain my own needs.

Hence the reason I'm going home next weekend, no matter where Dad is at. I have to get back to my husband, back to my clean home, back to work, back to my life. I might even try to book a session with a therapist when I return to Chapel Hill because holy shit, this has been a LOT. Every day I feel like an air traffic controller, trying to maintain enough cognizance to get all these details and big logistics right. High stress, high focus, non-stop. But weirdly enough, I'm holding it together so far. I came into this knowing that it was going to be a lot. My dad needs me - this is something I had to do. So I don't have any regrets (unless I DO end up taking the bed bugs home with me...but I can't do any more than I'm already doing on that note).

That's it for now - just needed to shout into the void. Thanks.

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godessalthena

:: 2021 21 September :: 10.35am

another rejection.

we get what we deserve.

trash deserves to be burned

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godessalthena

:: 2021 20 September :: 1.26pm

I just want to hear back about this job

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jedibumblebee

:: 2021 10 September :: 9.45pm
:: Music: The Killers- All The Things That I've Done

I am so much older than I can take...
When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I want to stand up, I want to let go
You know, you know, no you don't, you don't
I want to shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out, yeah
You know you got to help me out, yeah
Oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

(Time, truth and hearts)
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
Oh don't you put me on the backburner
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah
You're gonna bring yourself down

Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
(Time, truth and hearts)
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

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