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Il n'y a pas de crainte dans l'amour

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godessalthena

:: 2017 1 July :: 12.28am

i hate my job because of its repetitive, redundant, and bureaucratic nature. i perform the same task over and over again and get allotted a different % in different categories. my goals are based in these %. hitting goal gets me raise. but still i find this as motivational as a free foot massage would be to the act of standing up.

yet, i play this repetitious fantasy social game, competeing with my teammates and other teams. i love this escape, despite its repetitive game play, performing simple repetitive tasks and participating in events so you can collect 'em all! but it absorbs me and i get lost in trying to climb higher in my team ranks. it makes me feel very validated to see my number of medals go up.

at work we set goal numbers at the beginning of the week and then show our end of week, and celebrate each other for doing well or whatever.

it's never very motivating. i keep a diary of every interaction i have for almost 1 past year (i delete after a year). i love scrolling back through my weeks and seeing how much work i've done. i like seeing that i've actually accomplished a great deal of work despite being pulled in many directions. and today i was chastised for doing this. then i was chastised for putting what i felt to be an essential step to a process in an instructional video i've done a billion times.

i have an interview on monday for a supervisor position. i won't get it but i just need the exposure i need to try something. i cried for 2 hours at work but my boss (who is out of blue abandoning me) thinks i should stay. despite how miserable i am.

but maybe it's not work. maybe it's me. how can i tell?

anyway it would be cool to make work feel more like a game. so i could feel accomplished for getting shit done rather than buried in it.

bleh. no one cares. my life is boring.

#firstworldproblems

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godessalthena

:: 2017 29 June :: 5.32pm

im just ready for this all to stop.

i hate every single god damned beautiful day.

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godessalthena

:: 2017 20 June :: 10.45pm

applied to a job outside of LM

i really, really want this


i need out, everything is screaming at me GET THE FUCK OUT

so why do i hesitate

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godessalthena

:: 2017 16 June :: 8.38pm

boring bland artificial vanilla pasty vapid windbag is all i have amounted to

remember the days when you still felt alive?

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godessalthena

:: 2017 15 June :: 3.02pm

utterly

and

totally






alone

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godessalthena

:: 2017 15 June :: 12.17pm

how much would everyone hate me if i just decided to get knocked up and did it all myself

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godessalthena

:: 2017 14 June :: 8.24pm

today i smoked a blunt which was wrapped with a single marijuana leaf.

it tasted delicious and made my lips tingle pleasantly.

i just love weed so god damned much.

it's my life line out of this insanity.

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godessalthena

:: 2017 7 June :: 1.25pm

dear computers everywhere:

FUCK YOU YOU STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHY CANT YOU EVER FUCKING WORK IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST FUCKING ONCE DO WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO ILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL BUT YOU WONT BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID INANIMATE UNFEELING THINGS THAT EXIST SOLELY TO PISS ME OFF

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU

sincerely,
fuck you

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godessalthena

:: 2017 28 May :: 8.56pm

i am so incredibly stoned right night

i have consumed mucho el smoko to help me feel like i can't feel


i like joints because they remind me of cigarettes i miss those little
motherfuckers

what i miss is knowing i'll die sooner
because this world makes me so loathe to be here



i just miss you. more than i thought i would. but i'm working in trying to stifle my emotions and act like a strong independent woman, as much as i don't want to.

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godessalthena

:: 2017 28 May :: 10.50am

don't worry about me. i don't need anyone. im strong enough on my own.

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godessalthena

:: 2017 26 May :: 7.34am

every day my heart breaks a little more

empty words spoken by false friends

if you really wanted to help me you'd be there for me

just saying you care isn't enough



maybe i should care more too.

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godessalthena

:: 2017 25 May :: 2.19pm

i sit at work and think about what's going on in the world

what's BEEN going on in the world since the rise of man

thinking about all the plastic in our oceans and in our animals and our landfills

thinking about all the cancer and disease nuclear weapons and power have cause

all the cancer and dealt that corporations have caused

all the countless cultures that were erased due to christianity

people who were once, or still are, slaves to the greedy and powerful

and the. i look at the boxes with the never ending red dots

and all the cuts to our benefits

and all the retaliation and politics

and it's all i can do to not burst into tears





everything is so absolutely hopeless.
what's the point.

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godessalthena

:: 2017 15 May :: 10.08am

i said goodbye with my mouth

but my heart still holds you inside

twisted and contorted

did i do the right thing

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godessalthena

:: 2017 13 May :: 1.26am

as you grow older and notice patterns in behavior

when i'm extremely stressed and feeling particularly out of control i floss

i also push my body way too hard and in the bad way i hope i wasn't as mean to myself as i think



sooo excited about j's new place! makes me nostalgic for my apartment
especially now that it's summer
sigh

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godessalthena

:: 2017 4 May :: 9.27pm

first time playing quarters TOTAL DOMINATION

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godessalthena

:: 2017 29 April :: 2.34pm

i am so so tired

why so tired

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godessalthena

:: 2017 22 April :: 10.45am

i think my boyfriend and i have the same cycle

that or he really hates when i do stuff without him

either way i don't like it

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godessalthena

:: 2017 15 April :: 7.28pm

finally home after the portland trip. concert was bitchin. had a super fun time.

can't tell if i'm depressed or just pms'ing

just love being home so much

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godessalthena

:: 2017 11 April :: 10.00pm

every year i try harder and harder to love my birthday

and every year it gets harder and harder to enjoy it

it's just a reminder of how many people i've had to leave behind how many people i loved deeply who hurt me people who i trusted people i shouldn't have trusted dreams set on false pretenses and a deep desperate desire to be needed

all my self doubt and fear about the future

my shame and regrets

my failures

then combine with hanging out with people who i only talk to through text who all hate each other the futile attempts to have everyone have fun and get along and then becoming the DD because i can't trust anyone else

i just am a fucking wet blanket and i hate it but i feel powerless to change it

i hate this

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godessalthena

:: 2017 7 April :: 5.42pm

happy birthday to me
vacation's all i ever wanted
vacation got to get away

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