cuil bain an nin.

 

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DragonSpeaker

:: 2005 31 July :: 3.20am


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lifesuxsodanz

:: 2005 18 May :: 8.13pm

for ever and always...
I always want to change the layout of this journal but eventually everything cycles back around and it just makes perfect sense. I will leave it alone. I thought I had escaped cycles by now considering how hard I worked last year to defeat them but they are always there I have some long term deep rooted personal traditions that I can't avoid and that's ok. I think I can work with it now because there are some things that you just can't fight and I don't want to. It's hard not to spend this time of year reflecting on how much things have changed over the past months. It's interesting, I almost want to say it's sad but I can't because it's not. It just is. I going to hold out though, hold on to the faith that there IS something out there, something coming for me that I can throw myself into without fear and without doubt. Just dive in with a naked soul and trust unconditionally, becuase the only downside to change is that you become hardened, desensitized to losing things and people because you have only been waiting for them to leave from the start. There are times when we can't even trust our own convictions but I DO believe somewhere in the depths of my twisted religion that there is something that will be worth it, that can penetrate the shell of experience. Until then there is change. Until then any notion of forever is a myth, it's a lie we tell ourselves. Forever gets us through the present but you always know that it isnt there, not really. We feign disappointment when the illusion doesn't pan out because it allows us to feel. If you believe that you never saw it coming then you don't have to face the fact that you knew it all along. I don't care who you are, everyone has an inherent cynnic. Despite all that I know that something is forever and that one day the upswing of the cycle will stick. But for now it's just another year and everything has changed.

<3

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spinoangel

:: 2005 19 April :: 8.32pm

oh ,,, dont you love the negativity?
getting C's and D's are just... lovely.
i love it.


i absolutely love wanting to die.

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spinoangel

:: 2005 14 April :: 6.54pm
:: Music: azure ray

i hate life.

so i'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin.
i'll be alone, but maybe more carefree like a kite that floats so effortlessly.
i was afraid to be alone. now im scared thats how i'd like to be.
all these faces, none the same. how can there be so many personalities?
so many lifeless, empty hands. so many hearts in great demand.
and now my sorrow seems so far away,
until i'm taken by these bolts of pain.
but i turn them off and tuck them away,
till these rainy days that make them stay.
and then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs.
and the words still ring, once here, now gone.
and they echo through my head everyday.
and i dont think they'll ever go away.
just like thinking of your childhood home
but we cant go back we're on our own.

and i think i'll want to be alone.
so please understand that i dont answer the phone.
i'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls until i can see nothing at all.
only particles, some fast, some slow. all my eyes can see is all i know.

dissolving

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