:: 2008 16 June :: 9.26 am

this is my first day at home by myself. it is rather... lonesome. but no matter. i have stuff i am going to do.

satuday night's ballet was a spectacular finale for the season. i waited all season for a doll's house though i was not aware that it was only eleven minutes long. i am particularly fond of its message on war. it takes place in a toy store after the store owner leaves for the night. the aisle containing the dolls comes to life. it starts out a little bo peep doll looks around, though she is killed off within the first few seconds. the dolls go at war with eachother until finally, the ultimate weapon is brought out. in the end, this weapon wipes them all out and nobody wins. it should be pretty clear what the message is. next was an old narrative ballet, la sylphide. basically, a young scottish farmer was about to be married to his fiance when a sylph comes to him on his wedding day and tells him that she loves him and always has loved him and always will love him so he runs away with her. a cloth is given to him while he is chasing her around by the village sorceress and he is told by her that if he wraps around the sylph, she will be his forever. however, when he does this, it kills the sylph and the village sorceress has her revenge on him as he was extremely rude to her earlier in the story. in the distance, the fiance, assuming he ran away, is getting married to his friend. realizing he has lost everything, the young man collapses and dies. that is romanticism for you. but it has been a good season.
this season's highlights:
-petite mort (essentially about sex and the raw powerful aspect of it)
-swansong (a phsychologically based dance about interrogation, human rights, and the brutality of government)
-a doll's house (the point that war is usually started over petty reasons and in the end, nobody wins)

yesterday, i happened to see an old friend of mine at church that i have not seen in years. he and i were able to chat some during my time and he seems to be doing fairly well. i saw him and said wow you changed a lot. and he said, well you ...havn't... really... changed.... which is the truth actually. i seems to get that a lot from people i have not seen in a long while.

i also walked out to the river yesterday. today i am going to cross the bridge and see if i can get to the river the other side of the highway.

then i talked to my friend cha on the phone. i might be able to see her in july. i still am waiting for sox to call me back. i am thinking about bugging embryx and getting started on the music with her.

norway should be coming home in thirteen days. i just hope he has not forgotten about his american wifey.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 14 June :: 7.55 am

mostly vent yesterday. but still a broken promise. cannot trust anyone but yourself, ya?

i am going to be leaving later today. then going to the ballet i have been waiting for all season. i just hope that it lives up to what i hope it is.

i should start the construction plans.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 13 June :: 6.21 pm

norway got his ear pierced without me even though he told me he would take me with him and.....

rip it off to a bloody mess.

went shopping and picked up my first official book about time, space, and reality. it is written by a string theorist, but i must say i like the string theory. kind of funny how the orthodox jews say they have known about ten dimensions for ages. and it is true. i cannot wait to start reading it. but huck finn first. it is amusing, i do not see how so many people found it boring.

i used to dabble in politics but not anymore. i figure there are more important things though politics seems to rear its hideous head and demand its importance over everything else. kind of like me.

my grandmother is going to be working on poem for me. in the key of e which is a little different. fun.

i am thinking about building wings. though they will not be able to fly yet. i have not had tea in a long while. i want a cup.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 12 June :: 7.42 pm

so i finished the amber spyglass. the end was a bit disappointing and i wanted my norway, but of course, he is not here. he said he would write everyday but all i recieved was a comment. i guess you could say i am disappointed about that. but i guess whatever. i am rather tired of this. started on the summer reading. every junior i know said it was so boring. i find it rather amusing. but maybe i am just weird. i am at my grandparents house since i cannot leave mine during the day and i do not want to be home alone all day. my mother refuses to make another key. but i am fine. i got a haircut finally and trimming off dead ends took off two inches. oh well. i took a bit to finally get what i wanted, but it worked out. i almost lost a clip that kristen gave me and nearly broke down because of it, but it was found so i am ok. i hope he does not forget his american while he is in norge.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 9 June :: 10.32 pm

i just came back from seeing iron man after the crowds. i must admit i am glad i did not see it with the crowds. i am glad that it brought to light what the war really is. and that there really are young americans who go out and give their lives to this cause. i must agree with some: let the politicians who start the wars fight them.

but i am glad that my love is not american. because if the military comes in too short a supply, they will start drafting. as far as i know, they cannot draft non citizens.

4 made a hole | peck peck peck

:: 2008 9 June :: 12.45 pm

i have been doing laundry. everything so far feels very down to earth.

i have also been reading the amber spyglass more. i actually really like how the metaphysical things are explained.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 8 June :: 8.01 pm
:: Mood: tired

i am in pain right now.finals are over. summer is here. not meaning to be the pessimist but it is hot and i do not want to move into a house where there is a swimming pool. i hope it will not turn into a pool of mold that will eat me alive in my sleep. band camp has been agonizing these past couple days. norway left to his home country for three weeks. too bad pur last memories of eachother including beingg next to eachother covered in sweat. sounds mildly erotic until put into perspective. so our last memories of eachother is after we were on a concrete field marching. his plane left about 5 hours ago and i already feel his presence missing. i guess that gives me more time with which to clean and pack. i feel bad that the last time his hands were in me there was blood involved though he usually says he does not mind and that it actually makes it easier. i guess my concerns with him in norge for three weeks are more centered around him forgetting about me or him not being here with me. i wonder why i am so selfish. i guess i am afraid of him realizing that maybe he is happier there. it is a terrible thing to wish for, but i hope he does find himself immensely happier there. but at the same time, i still want him to be happy, even if it is there. i just hope my dear norway is happy when he finds out i found his gloves.i have been reading the final book of pullman's his dark materials series, the amber spyglass. i am trying so hard not to spoil it for myself.

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:: 2008 22 May :: 3.50 pm

i already know. have not updated in a while. too busy with all the last things that have happened. settling into the notion of living with my stepdad and still doing something about it. actually. i do not know. no houses hopefully.

i have been looking at norsk things as well. vocabulary is not very much and not really worth saying either.

jeg studerer kunst.
jeg liker vinteren.
jeg er fra pangea.

i cannot help but laugh at myself.

9 days of school

peck peck peck

:: 2008 15 May :: 5.45 pm
:: Music: Luca Turilli - Prophet of the Last Eclipse

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:: 2008 12 May :: 4.15 pm

we will probably be filing suits for my college tuition but i will get there.

ap test coming up.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 11 May :: 5.56 pm

went to my grandparents and got things done there. then my own mother betrays me yet again and tells me i am to live with my step father again. i have already expressed my discomfort in residing in the same place with him, but my mother swears that he is going to change. i find him to be too friendly with me and he has already expressed a time when he divorced one of his wives because she got fat, which she has. so why would he all of a sudden say he wants a family again. my mother is blind to the whole situation and the trap he put us in. and so far, all i know is that my money and sanity will be taken. throwing money at my mother may work, but not with me. i should be getting that $500 check, but i have not seen a penny of it yet. it never occured to her that when he moved out, he did not move somewhere closer to his work. it did not occur to her that he has a lot of debt. and it probably has not occured to her i can emacipate. i can smell a civil war in the air and tension in the ground. this may finally be my chance to get away and survive.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 9 May :: 2.10 pm

off to another land. i have been thinking a lot. i really wish i were dead. the more i think about the more i am sure there is something wrong with my brain. or maybe my soul. but to a materialist there is no difference. i am happy i am not a materialist, but the i actually do not know. not sure of anything. sometimes i wonder if things are just in my mind. problems, why not. it probably is. it is terrible i am finding i can not even trust my own mind at times. i do not if it is really reasonable. maybe i create wars. norway's love has felt more selfish this past week. of course it could be in my head. sometimes i really wish i were dead since i cannot undo what i have alreeady done.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 7 May :: 5.15 pm

i have been taciturn, sad, and selfish. i hate this. this whole thing. and that is the problem. there is not anything i can do. except live with it. if you cannot change the situation, change your attitude. or so they say. i cannot do that. of course i say things i do not do either. like smacking people. i say i want to. but i never will. supressing emotions never fixed anything. even a therapist will say that. but matters of graver importance are at hand. we get mad at young boys for saying things but young girls have their secret lives. now young girls' secret lives are no longer so secret. i am envious of the computer. life day to day with no emotions and not caring whether you are off and on and nobody telling you that there is something wrong with you, or at least with you caring. but nobody asked the computer how it felt. i know i did now. for all i know, this computer can be crying right now. there is probably conscience in everything, but humans are ignorant. sounds grow more and more harsh everyday as do the shadows in the night. the lights are driving me mad as well. i quite frequently see a black hand in the corner in my eye. but nobody takes me seriously i doubt. my doll probably does not read this anymore. i guess that is for the best. or maybe he does. that is fine too. he brought me home the other day and the first thing i see is a shadow or a person. maybe i am crazy however. do i believe in church i do not know. what do i believe i do not know. do i worship anything i do not know. am i even alive i do not know. maybe heaven and hell is really myth. or maybe this is hell and live trying to get to heaven even though it is impossible. and when the universe expands and contracts, we relive it again and again. occasionally i hear voices and they grow clearer and clear. they never tell me anything. maybe call my name or grunt. i wish my doll were here. my beautiful doll. i still hope he truly loves me. maybe my depression needs him to tell me he loves me. but ah i am aggravating. i miss sharing a bed with him, even for minutes. he seems to make it go away. and even if it is there, so is he and i am not alone. my bishop tells me i am wrong. that churches are true. as true as ham sandwiches i assume. i do not get to see my doll very much this month. i do not want to leave this weekend. i want to spend the whole thing with him. but i would probably be annoying. he did not seemed enthusiatic about going to this place i was told about. i practice norsk because i know my doll put in efforts to give me resources to learn it. so i do it, for him. rather easy too. maybe a scarred bloody back will give me a different opinion. i figured out how angels get their wings back. closet children should stay in their closets.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 3 May :: 9.19 am

i have been wondering how angels get their wings back. being a bird is nice but they can only fly so high.

peck peck peck

:: 2008 2 May :: 3.15 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

been nothing but standardized testing all week. no homework. no i watched movies all week, even from saturday. so far:
saturday - k-pax
sunday - brothers grimm
monday - girl with the pearl earring
tuesday - brothers grimm
wednesday - dead poets society
thursday - v for vendetta, ringu
friday - romeo + juliet

most for the messages and statments, but brothers grimm was just because my mother and i could. she wanted to watch it twice. it was entertaining but the integration of the fairy tales could have been better and throughout the story as well, the movie makers referenceed to the later editions of stories the real grimm brothers wrote instead of the original versions or even things from the pentamerone. otherwise, it was pretty good.

norway's cousins from brasil went to his house wednesday. i get to look at the today. this will be exciting....

i will probably eat few, if any more, eggs. i had never really thought about it until john phrased it to me like this: eating an egg is basically reaching up inside a woman, feeling around a bit, and pulling out and eating her unborn child. only it is a chicken.

and i think john confronted noelle about hating her. if so, then that is probably why she seems to be feeling so bad lately.

norway was here monday and we were on the floor. then he took photos of me but i needed him to delete them. i have heard so many horror stories.

but the testing is over. such a relief.

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