:: 2008 17 September :: 5.31 pm

we evacuated the hurricane, but came back sunday. at least i do not have to go back to school until monday. but i fell in love with hermit crabs while i was gone. now i have two and hope they will be happy. one of them, bob van crabcake iv, is more outgoing whereas otto von bismark, the other one, is a lot quieter and shy. i am still giving them some time to get used to things here. i took bob out of the crabitat and he was still uneasy with me, but i think he is getting used to me.

norway decided ot stay for the hurricane, and even though we got hit hard, we were not hit as hard as the other side of town. trees are still torn to pieces around here. i find it very sad to see.

but norway and i are probably going to get supplies to make the homecoming mums tonight. i am looking forward to making them with him.

i am also very happy that i got a monster cable. it is so much clearer than my previous one. i also tuned my bass with a tuner (i usually tune it with itself). i was semi proud of the previous tuning. it was a full note off almost, but it was in tune with itself.

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:: 2008 6 September :: 9.44 am
:: Mood: blah

i just started taking anti-depressants last night and i woke up about 3:45 in the morning and was up for a couple hours. now i mentally feel hyper but my body feels so weak. i feel tranqilized and cut off in many ways and am now remembering why i quit taking them besides how much i hate pills. but i have to take them for at least six months, so here goes.

i am very excited about fall coming up. wonderful things happen in the fall.

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:: 2008 4 September :: 6.58 pm
:: Mood: guilty

i have been happy for the most part today because i realised how much i loved my norway and how much he means to me. i wrote it all down my sketch diary, i guess you could call it, because i needed to write it down and get my thoughts together. i wrote it like i wrote to him because he really has become a part of me and essentially, my other half. i have found that i want to him to be happy. he asked if he could read it though i was afraid to since i was not sure how he would react. but i let him read it and he started crying some. as far as i know it mean one of two things: that he is remembering why he loves me and why he became so committed in the first place, or that he feels trapped into this relationship, which i do not want. i could see the pain and depression in his face later that evening and it kills me. i wish that pain, frustration, and confusion would leave him and come to me. but at the same time, i hope he does not just pick the eas way out. i hope that he faces this head on so that in the end, he will be a better person.

i have been having a bit of trouble with concentration and sleep. i am supposed to be seeing my doctor tomorrow, therapist monday, and surgeon tuesday. i looked up the profile of the surgeon and he used to be the team physician for our local nba team. if he is good enough for them, he is definately good enough for me.

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:: 2008 2 September :: 7.34 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

norway is not sure if we will make it to marriage. it is probably my fault for not making it clear, but i really would not mind living in norge. i will talk to him about having a long disctance relationship, but probably for a while. he means so much to me, even if i get a little agitated, it blows over like nothing happened. i am also considering possibly going there for school, though i am not sure if i can since i am a foreigner. i am going to start getting a passport ready just in case (i know it takes a while). but seeing as we have been together for quite a while, especially by the time we reach graduation, if we can set up a long distance relationship properly, we will probably be ok.

i also told my director about my knee and he realizes i cannot march the season. however he does not know what i should do and of course, i do not know anymore than him about what to do. i will probably still play in the stands at games and sit out when the band is actually marching. i do not know about contests though. i should probably really start passing off my music.

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:: 2008 31 August :: 9.50 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

i am feeling better and worse. i went up in front of everyone and talked. i just wish people would just say i sucked, if they thought it sucked. but those who said they liked it and authentically did, that pleases me.

it scares me how my sensitivities show through more often and easily than usual. i am becoming so overwhelmed so easily that i occasionally fall into some sort of manic mini episode where i say something cruel i do not mean or i start snapping more easily than usual. but it also seems harder and i would like to get this over with.

i conversed with my dad as well today. we both ended upset. i do not believe either of us is truly aware of the situation of the other. it is kind of sad. i hate facing my not having a childhood and knowing that i can never have that back. but at the same time, i need to move forward, which i am having a hard time with right now. i just hope that within the next ten years, i can finally really be happy all the time.

i am also trying to be more optimistic and possibly take a more humanistic approach at life. i hope i can be that little happy human with my arms in the air.

i am pleased i have an extra day to think about things. i am also looking forward to seeing my norway tomorrow. maybe we will see that batman movie again.

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:: 2008 31 August :: 8.42 am

mri results came in a couple days ago. my left knee seems to be sprained, have tendonitis, be very slightly dislocated and have a torn meniscus. honestly, i always thought having one of those things would hurt a lot more than what having all four is really like. or i just caught it early or maybe i am just lucky it is not worse. i have to go in for surgery, but we really will not be able to make the appointment until tuesday.

i have to go speak in my church about fasting. but i do not fast. this will be interesting.

i am also having so many issues in learning the meaning of things. religion does not seem to offer very much comfort for myself. all organised faith seems to do that. i should probably really start writing what i think down more often. currently looking at the philosophy of existentialism.

seminary has started and this year is the new testament. i actually find that one rather fascinating because of the politics and true backgrond of the times. i have never been forced to read the new testment but that is why i am going this year. i am determined to get the meaning of it past the cultural, historical, and folk legend filters. looking at the bible from a purely spiritual or rulebook perspective is not fair since ancient hebrew culture is radically different from modern western culture and almost no westerners ever bother to get a valid historical background nor do many westerners know or try to research the nuances of the hebrew and greek languages, a few facts that i am afraid that most people look over.

i believe that gustav will hit here badly as well. i do not know exactly why.

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:: 2008 27 August :: 9.43 pm
:: Mood: depressed

first my step dad think i look like a hooker in freshman year, then there is the rumor that i am pregnant floating around in band, a section thinks norway and i are freaky and now i guess making jokes about screaming in bed are ok too now. everyone time someone makes remarks i feel molested. some slutty bitch everyone gets to fuck. what is hard is that i never really had sex. i feel so nasty and i wanted to run in the rain but then people can see easily through wet white shirts. i wonder why i am here. of i consider suicide just so i can come back to whereever icame from. whatever my real home is. (or i will just be dead, which is fine too i guess)and apparently i take things personally. well i can get mad if i want and i will get mad because that is what people do. and my apologies for taking a personal subject personally. the only hting i am concerned about is passing on dna i guess. why could i not have a brother or sister.

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:: 2008 22 August :: 3.28 pm

it has ben a while. marching band started but it looks likei am going to have surgery on my left leg. i am supposed to have an mri done, but fom how the nurse sounded when she told me the report, i most likely will have to see an orthopaedic specilist and get surgery (and it was nasty looking too; i saw the xray). tonight is the big fundraiser. basically i go to the school and stay up all night with the rest of the band and dancers. been watching a lot of movies that i mooched from norway. pan's labrynth, brokeback mountain, beetlejuice, those sorts. i am bring the happening tonight. even though it did not do well in the box office, it still looked interesting though i am biased since i love shyamalan's movies, though the happening is a little bit different from his usual pg-13 suspense. looking forward to it.

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:: 2008 5 August :: 1.51 pm

i decided to consult the i ching about things. i asked about my dear, norway. probably best to stay with him. also asked about the band situation and ow my health would be if i quit. for the most part, it would be better.

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:: 2008 26 July :: 10.22 pm

finally moved in. rather proud of my room

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