animehoshi - Woohu.com http://www.woohu.com/~animehoshi Woohu / Woohu.com http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610759 i just started taking anti-depressants last night and i woke up about 3:45 in the morning and was up for a couple hours. now i mentally feel hyper but my body feels so weak. i feel tranqilized and cut off in many ways and am now remembering why i quit taking them besides how much i hate pills. but i have to take them for at least six months, so here goes. i am very excited about fall coming up. wonderful things happen in the fall. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610759 Sat, 06 Sep 2008 10:52:10 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610724 i have been happy for the most part today because i realised how much i loved my norway and how much he means to me. i wrote it all down my sketch diary, i guess you could call it, because i needed to write it down and get my thoughts together. i wrote it like i wrote to him because he really has become a part of me and essentially, my other half. i have found that i want to him to be happy. he asked if he could read it though i was afraid to since i was not sure how he would react. but i let him read it and he started crying some. as far as i know it mean one of two things: that he is remembering why he loves me and why he became so committed in the first place, or that he feels trapped into this relationship, which i do not want. i could see the pain and depression in his face later that evening and it kills me. i wish that pain, frustration, and confusion would leave him and come to me. but at the same time, i hope he does not just pick the eas way out. i hope that he faces this head on so that in the end, he will be a better person. i have been having a bit of trouble with concentration and sleep. i am supposed to be seeing my doctor tomorrow, therapist monday, and surgeon tuesday. i looked up the profile of the surgeon and he used to be the team physician for our local nba team. if he is good enough for them, he is definately good enough for me. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610724 Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:38:11 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610679 norway is not sure if we will make it to marriage. it is probably my fault for not making it clear, but i really would not mind living in norge. i will talk to him about having a long disctance relationship, but probably for a while. he means so much to me, even if i get a little agitated, it blows over like nothing happened. i am also considering possibly going there for school, though i am not sure if i can since i am a foreigner. i am going to start getting a passport ready just in case (i know it takes a while). but seeing as we have been together for quite a while, especially by the time we reach graduation, if we can set up a long distance relationship properly, we will probably be ok. i also told my director about my knee and he realizes i cannot march the season. however he does not know what i should do and of course, i do not know anymore than him about what to do. i will probably still play in the stands at games and sit out when the band is actually marching. i do not know about contests though. i should probably really start passing off my music. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610679 Tue, 02 Sep 2008 20:45:06 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610635 i am feeling better and worse. i went up in front of everyone and talked. i just wish people would just say i sucked, if they thought it sucked. but those who said they liked it and authentically did, that pleases me. it scares me how my sensitivities show through more often and easily than usual. i am becoming so overwhelmed so easily that i occasionally fall into some sort of manic mini episode where i say something cruel i do not mean or i start snapping more easily than usual. but it also seems harder and i would like to get this over with. i conversed with my dad as well today. we both ended upset. i do not believe either of us is truly aware of the situation of the other. it is kind of sad. i hate facing my not having a childhood and knowing that i can never have that back. but at the same time, i need to move forward, which i am having a hard time with right now. i just hope that within the next ten years, i can finally really be happy all the time. i am also trying to be more optimistic and possibly take a more humanistic approach at life. i hope i can be that little happy human with my arms in the air. i am pleased i have an extra day to think about things. i am also looking forward to seeing my norway tomorrow. maybe we will see that batman movie again. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610635 Sun, 31 Aug 2008 23:02:11 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610619 mri results came in a couple days ago. my left knee seems to be sprained, have tendonitis, be very slightly dislocated and have a torn meniscus. honestly, i always thought having one of those things would hurt a lot more than what having all four is really like. or i just caught it early or maybe i am just lucky it is not worse. i have to go in for surgery, but we really will not be able to make the appointment until tuesday. i have to go speak in my church about fasting. but i do not fast. this will be interesting. i am also having so many issues in learning the meaning of things. religion does not seem to offer very much comfort for myself. all organised faith seems to do that. i should probably really start writing what i think down more often. currently looking at the philosophy of existentialism. seminary has started and this year is the new testament. i actually find that one rather fascinating because of the politics and true backgrond of the times. i have never been forced to read the new testment but that is why i am going this year. i am determined to get the meaning of it past the cultural, historical, and folk legend filters. looking at the bible from a purely spiritual or rulebook perspective is not fair since ancient hebrew culture is radically different from modern western culture and almost no westerners ever bother to get a valid historical background nor do many westerners know or try to research the nuances of the hebrew and greek languages, a few facts that i am afraid that most people look over. i believe that gustav will hit here badly as well. i do not know exactly why. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610619 Sun, 31 Aug 2008 10:06:27 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610545 first my step dad think i look like a hooker in freshman year, then there is the rumor that i am pregnant floating around in band, a section thinks norway and i are freaky and now i guess making jokes about screaming in bed are ok too now. everyone time someone makes remarks i feel molested. some slutty bitch everyone gets to fuck. what is hard is that i never really had sex. i feel so nasty and i wanted to run in the rain but then people can see easily through wet white shirts. i wonder why i am here. of i consider suicide just so i can come back to whereever icame from. whatever my real home is. (or i will just be dead, which is fine too i guess)and apparently i take things personally. well i can get mad if i want and i will get mad because that is what people do. and my apologies for taking a personal subject personally. the only hting i am concerned about is passing on dna i guess. why could i not have a brother or sister. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610545 Wed, 27 Aug 2008 22:54:24 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610464 it has ben a while. marching band started but it looks likei am going to have surgery on my left leg. i am supposed to have an mri done, but fom how the nurse sounded when she told me the report, i most likely will have to see an orthopaedic specilist and get surgery (and it was nasty looking too; i saw the xray). tonight is the big fundraiser. basically i go to the school and stay up all night with the rest of the band and dancers. been watching a lot of movies that i mooched from norway. pan's labrynth, brokeback mountain, beetlejuice, those sorts. i am bring the happening tonight. even though it did not do well in the box office, it still looked interesting though i am biased since i love shyamalan's movies, though the happening is a little bit different from his usual pg-13 suspense. looking forward to it. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610464 Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:20:15 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610121 i decided to consult the i ching about things. i asked about my dear, norway. probably best to stay with him. also asked about the band situation and ow my health would be if i quit. for the most part, it would be better. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=610121 Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:41:12 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609938 finally moved in. rather proud of my room http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609938 Sat, 26 Jul 2008 23:24:01 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609867 my therapist is trying to tap into my inner daemon. of course there is a reason i do my best to suppress my inner hell though my suppressed rage continues growing into the belial it can be come. but i have given up on things some and will probably follow the dalai lama's advice: "avoid organised faiths". i must admit that i will probably give up on all these crazy things. i guess i am indeed the pessimist of the century since i do find fault in almost everything. almost. but religion is another matter. judeo-christian religions tend to be contradicting and intolerant, not to mention the texts. most gardenian wiccans do not know half of what they are doing. the others are pretty much fluff bunnies. for the reconstructionist pagans, all i can say is that there's a reason to religion died out of evolved. hinduism is so overly complex when it comes to the gods/goddess/god that after a while one must ask, so what is it exactly? i hear both monotheism and polytheism. new agers, thinking happy thoughts is not, i repeat, NOT, going to make your quartz crystal glow. oh, and the pyrimad power, the mythbusters already busted that. satanism is humanism with rituals. need i say more? and i thought christians were bad about being contradicting. but maybe worse is the atheists that try to destroy other people's faith. they treat atheism like, well... a religion. i guess the only major religion i do not have anything against is bhuddism, but even then, it is philosophy. i must say that i do not have anything against muslims either. i have to many rants at the moment. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609867 Wed, 23 Jul 2008 18:41:45 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609845 currently borrowing the complex's computer. but anyway things are eventful. i had my ears pierced saturday of last week for the first time. ended up crying that night. i guess you could say i really did not want to do it nor do i particularly want it now. but it is twenty dollars and i might as well keep lest twenty dollars will be wasted. i also have to find the number and such for the college board since my ap test results were supposed to come in june or early july. have not seen a sign of it and july is ending and i am to move finally this weekend. also have to find driving schools. driving is not hard as long as you keep an eye on other people. and speed is not an issue like everyone thinks it will be. but yes i finally took off the masking tape. i am rather looking forward to dolly. i rather like hurricanes as long as they're not above category two. everyone is saying it will hit brownsville though i would not be suprised if it hits us instead. if i remember correctly, was it not like that with katrina? of course, i cannot remember at the moment. but it will not be near as strong. i just remember tropical storm allison. came in and just sat on us for two weeks. but i have no idea why i always want hurricanes to strengthen and hit us. but i am somewhat sociopathic. or it could ust be a love for rain. i am also torn between art science. i have no idea what i am going to be doing. all i know is that designing and building somethihng becomes more and more interesting, especially when it comes to electromagnetism. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609845 Tue, 22 Jul 2008 13:02:38 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609829 Norway is still away for now in the DFW area. I managed to snag the computer. finally took the masking tape off. came off very nicely, especiially considering it was on there for weeks. this house was really a waste of money. 183k for a stucco place with a huge master bedroom and a pool along with otehr high maitenerg.... later http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609829 Mon, 21 Jul 2008 20:15:59 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609736 my interweb has been out at my apartment since i am to be moving in a house. i am at my grandparents' for a few days. going to the bed though. maybe tomorrow. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609736 Thu, 17 Jul 2008 23:31:02 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609514 i heard an interesting theory the other week: since british people, scottich, irish, and australian people all sound like americans when they sing, americans probably sing english more than other nations. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609514 Mon, 07 Jul 2008 14:55:51 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609402 norway is home now. we saw eachother for the first time after three weeks yesterday. apparently one of the bags (the one containing a souveniers) got lost a little in amsterdam and came in today. he brought me back a plastic viking helmet, an adorable moose necklace, and some postcards with photos of nature there. they are very beautiful and make me want to go there. except that i would be crying after the first few days. i left my permit in my grandmother's car, but she mailed it today so it should be here in a couple of days. focusing on the concurrent textbook work that i have not been doing for the next days and reviewing the handbook. i also have a goal this week: instead of being jealous of people, be happy for them. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609402 Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:33:56 EDT