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Tainted Heart, Broken Wings

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:: 2005 8 January :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Fear-The dothack original soundtrack 1

Don't Be Alarmed...
I'm torn into a million pieces like the pages of my soul. Lying here, on the ground, staring at an empty sky that holds no meaning anymore. I want you to tell me it will be okay, but where are your outspread arms? There's nothing for me anymore. Surrounded by anger and sorrow, this blackhole of depression has got to close! It's sucking in my heart, the sanity I have left and I cling desperate to any shred of hope that is left. Maybe we can start over, erase everything, I'll show the real me if you show me the real you. But I know you're gone and no one's there anymore. Maybe they are and I'm playing the martyr again. But, you know everything I've done has always been for you. Who will I save myself for? Certainly I can't for you anymore, love. You cannot break the mortality of this fragile alabaster shell because if you did, this wouldn't be a reality. Merely... a dream. And though I could loose myself in its beauty and the passion that my mind so cleverly allows me to percieve, I would die on the outside even though my soul would soar! So, what price is that that I must pay to smile, to laugh, to be carefree once again? Only a body, only my blood, only my looks and my voice. Only the sparkle that my eyes once held. But, if it means spending eternity with you so my heart can soar into the clouds again, so be it. I will gladly cast it aside. Dependant I have become to you, addicted I am to your voice and your perverted humor. Accustomed I have grown to your anguish and pain. Desperately I long for what has left me so chilled to the bone. I never thought it would end like this, crying.. bleeding and alone.

Because I always thought the perfect death would be in your arms.

I'm sorry for hurting you. I've changed, I know. But, besides all of those changes, all of those pointless arguments and aside from all of the lust and desire, I still love you the same. Maybe we fell in love with different people, that's a possibility. Don't you want to get to know this me? Are you afraid, is that why you walked out? You didn't want to be left first... I understand. I thought about it, too. God, it plagued me for nights on end, but I guess there was an error in my judgement because I didn't choose what was right. Still, sin felt so good. I'm so sorry... I wasted so much of your time, can you ever forgive me? Can you ever forgive such a filthy slob like me?

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 24 December :: 2.34 am
:: Music: Numb-Disturbed

3 Words.
I. Hate. Me.

Three words and nothing more.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 16 December :: 9.12 pm
:: Mood: RANT!!! >:D
:: Music: Stupify

My Oober Long Rant About How Much I Hate Chelsea.
This isn't like one of my normal entried, but I figure I'll put it in here for Mojo since she can't see livejournal. You'll see my point and LAUGH.

Okay, okay. Everyone knows there's probably only a few things in this world that I hate. Bible thumpers being one. And hypocrites being another.

I am so suck and fucking tired of being told I'm going to hell because I dress in all black. I am sick of being told I'm going to hell because I don't go to church. And I am DEFINATELY sick and fucking tired of being told that Jesus saves.

You know what? How about I cram a Bible down your fucking throat? Or, you know what? Maybe I'll flip to the page of the Bible that says something along these lines: Spread the word of Christ. Okay, NOWHERE in that sentence does it say CRAM CHRISTIANITY DOWN THE NONBELIEVERS' THROATS ::Deep breath:: Alright, you want to know WHY I am so worked up now that I've said that (probably more ranting to come so hold on to your seat)?

Well, that little fucking goodie-goodie Chelsea, AFTER telling me I'm going to hell because I don't believe in God, comes in and says she fails a math test. This is the same girl who's every fucking art project is somehow related to Christianity and whose every conversation somehow ends up going on and on about how anyone who isn't Christian is a heathen. Yes, you heard me. So, me being the onry bitch that I am, just burst out laughing. Once I got control, I saud, "Ah, that's the hardest I've laughed in years!" And you know what?! Oh, my fucking God. Listen to this and read these words VERY carefully. Her reply:

"Don't be a bitch."

Can you believe that fucking hypocritical little whore?! Trying to look all cute in her shoulder-bearing sweater. You fat fucking pig, put on some modest clothes, no one wants to see your fat stomach or hear you big fucking mouth! She had the nerve to call me a bitch after all of the ranting she does about accepting Jesus into your life and all this other shit. I swear to... something if I had a gun right then and there, I would have fired it right into her narrow skull.

No, I'm not saying I hate you if you're Christian. Hell, I don't even care if you tell me I'm going to hell. But if you firmly believe that Jesus lived and died for your sins and you follow his teachings;
1. Do NOT judge other people. There is only one person who is going to judge you and you don't have the right to judge anyone else.
2. Do NOT say curses directed towards someone, ESPECIALLY if you're going to get up in front of fourty people and tell them all of your Christian beliefs.

As I said, I'm not hating on you, just that little Chelsea bitch. I hate hypocrites.

So... That's pretty much it. Wow, I feel better. Heheh.

2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 15 December :: 3.52 pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Whatsername; Green Day

Today I did something I know I'll regret tomorrow.
Seeing her face twisted into such sweet sorrow.
Maybe I'll say sorry another day and smile.
But I think I will just leave her alone a little while.

Just a little short poem I had on my mind.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 10 December :: 9.06 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: ...

Let's see if this works.
Wolf ~ Wolves are also regarded as path finders
and teachers. Wolf is represented by the
constellation Sirius, the Dog.
In the Zuni tradition the Wolf symbolizes the
direction East.
Wolf's Wisdom Includes:

Facing the end of one's cycle with dignity and

Death and rebirth

Spirit teaching

Guidance in dreams and meditations

Instinct linked with intelligence

Social and familial values

Outwitting enemies




Taking advantage of change

Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tis an ice dragon breathes...when the first snowflake doesnt melt....
Your an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creture, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and Familly are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
always apoligize later!

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

A Rough Stretch

size="2">You've come upon a Rough
Can you make it through? You've come upon hard times. Things aren't looking so good to you and your life has seem to collapse into a downward spiral. You've lost your way and can't seem to find the right path to take. You are probably depressed and feeling lonely as you've lost sight of those who love you. You may wander through this road with a few others like you and are able to comfort them as they comfort you, but it is not enough. You've lost something, maybe someone close, and with it you lost your faith in life. You're probably confused and unsure what to do next. But the way will become clear eventually. It always does. This stretch that lies before you seems never-ending and not worth traveling. But don't let yourself fall, you may have stumbled upon this, but pick yourself up as best you can and hold on to that little bit of faith you have. The road isn't as endless as it seems. All things, good and bad must come to and end. This too shall pass and you'll be amazed at what good lay beyond it if you just find the strength within yourself to try and make it.

What Path Do You Take In Life? [X]For Guys and Gals! Pics and Lengthy Results.[X]
brought to you by Quizilla

Fire Sprite
Brave, strong willed, loyal and passionate
You are a sprite of Fire. Full of passion, bravery
and spice you are the living embodiment of
fire. You are quite arrogant and think yourself
above most but that is made up for by; your
passionate ability to pursue your dreams, your
strong will and your powerful well skilled
ability for fighting. You are a natural leader,
people are somewhat drawn to you and see you as
someone to look up to but you only pay
attention to them if they are useful, your
equal or your superior. You are a very exciting
person to be near for you have a vast love of
adventure and battle. Fire is a symbol of
Passion if and when you choose to love you are
capable of beautiful, long lasting, devoted
love. You are quite wondrous!

.::=What type of Mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

From witches who could change into cats with magic
spells, to tribes of anthropomorphic tigers
living in the jungles of Malaysia, to
bloodthirsty werecats of Japan who would prey
on humans for sustenance, tales of werecats
rival their more well-known werewolf cousins in

As a werecat, you are aggressive, fiercely
independant, short-tempered and prone to
violent outbursts. You can also be very kind
though, by protecting those you care for from
those who wish to do them harm. Those who
befriend you are very lucky (as long as they
stay on your good side!)

Who is your inner Shapeshifter?
brought to you by Quizilla


Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects. You appearance and your personality are two opposite things. Even your appearance sends different signals to different people. To some you may look innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious and intimidating at the same time. No one ever knows what to expect with you. You are a little bit of everything all mixed together. You can be watching the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the mall. You seem to be almost a different person every time you meet someone, but at the same time you know exactly who you are and there is always that one thing that makes you you. You enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how completely unpredictable you are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element: Fire, Water
Animal: Chameleon
Color: Dark Tones, Light Tones
Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression: Half-smile

Mythological Creature: Gryphon, Half-breeds
Planet: Mars
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color:Brown

"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 10 December :: 6.58 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: My December; Linkin Park-Reanimation

Look What I Found
Heh, I found this in my notebook. I need to get a new one, there's hardly any paper in this one anymore, I used it all. Because I'm fat and I hate trees. No, I'm kidding, trees should kill us. Wouldn't that be a sight to see? A tree with a hatchet. Fun.

So, here it is, slightly modified.

The air stings my eyes like a swarm of angry wasps
A thousand needles throbbing in the pupils of my eyes
Look at all the people walking passed me in the halls
So freely and so gaily frolicking
My stomach churns and writhes inside of me
How sickening it is to see them smile
But how can I think such things?
I can tell you, because they think the same things about me.
Look at the little morbid girl
Clad in all black she is, her eyes trained on the feet in front of her.
How depressing.
We all wish she would shut up and leave,
It was a better place without her to begin with.
I think I'm going to cease trying for unattainable goals
Such high expectations will only be my downfall
They're only going to let me down in the end
Lower them, that's all I can do to be truely happy.
Down and down, beneath the worms.
That's the way it always is
The way my feelings project to the so-called 'friends' I keep.
Trying to relieve my pain through a keyboard
Sigh, how depressing...

It sucked a whole lot worse than this, but raw emotion beats fancy words anyday. Rage, depression, hostility, all wrapped and tied with a ribbon of hatred.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 6 December :: 5.09 pm
:: Music: In This World(Murder)-GC

Thank you.
I feel a little happier.

Thank you.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 25 November :: 2.31 pm
:: Mood: artistic

I've been trying to put myself down so people don't see the inside of me. I try to seem depressed, morbid. Why do I do the things that I do? I say my facade is happy, but it is also that of sorrow.

Do I want people to feel sorry for me? This journey is mine and mine alone. Mine to discover why, who, what. But for some reason it seems I'm still at the starting line, my feet rooted to the ground.

It's uncanny, I thoguht I knew myself. But to my surprise, I found out that I didn't. I like people to think I'm victimized, I want the attention. I want people to notice me, not just pass me on the street and look away.

I want people to stop and I want to engage in friendly conversation. Maybe not friendly, but inane banter is better than being ignored, though I know I'm being a hypocrite by saying such things.

I want more than anything for you to hold me and whisper how important I am. How, without me, your life would come crashing down. Give me that power and maybe I'll tell you 'I love you'.

I need to be consoled all the time. I need you to tell me I'm worth it. I thought he hadn't scarred me this horribly, but maybe he did. Are all those years of neglect and abuse the reason for my constant need of victimization and attention? Is it why I dress so outrageous? To stand out so people will ask, why?

What if I would have grown up with my darling mother? Would things have been different?

I can't be deprogrammed, but I wish I could be. I hate what I've become. I hate it and... it's just like HIM. I don't want to be like that fat, egotistical asshole.

I seek out a technical genius. Where is my little thief? Jocelyn, where have you gone?

4 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 21 November :: 5.17 pm

You say you have nothing that inspires you anymore?

Funny, me either.

2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 15 November :: 10.21 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: In The End-LP

A little about me
Try to tie me down and I'll just run away.

Try to tell me what I can't do and I'll do it anyway.

Love me too constrictingly and I'll find another.

Don't love me enough and I'll leave.

Talk to me and I'll be pleased.

Ignore me and I will cry.

Touch me like that and I'll melt in your arms.

Be too rough with me and I'll return the favor.

Comfort me when I cry and I'll do the same for you unquestioningly.

Laugh at me and I will exact revenge.

Laugh with me and we'll stay friends.

Talk about me behind my back and I'll hurt you worse than you ever could hurt me.

Hurt those I love and I'll rip out your heart and put it on a metal stake.

Hurt those I hate and I shall be your ally.

Give me what I want and I'll be your slave.

Don't give me what I want and I will continue to be ignorant.

If you are smart, I will respect you.

If you are stupid, I will treat you like the idiot you are.

If you are narrow-minded, I will open your mind.

If you are open-minded, I'll be your best friend.

If you are spiritually mature, I will regard you as one of the higher people.

If you are physically mature, I will stare at your chest and/or crotch.

If you are mentally mature, I will regard you as a higher person.

Talk about relationships constantly and I will stop talking to you.

Replace me with a significant other and I will hate you for the rest of time.

Turn your back on me and I will cry.

Open your arms to me and I will seek shelter in them.

Hurt me and karma will get you back.

Tell me that I'm emo, I will hurt you.

Try to kill yourself, I will lose all respect for you.

Defile your body and I won't regard you very highly.

If you are overly religious, I will staple your lips together.

If you are anti-gay, I will shot you in the forehead.

If you are pro-war, you can kiss my ass.

If you tell me what I like is shit, I will cry, but I'll get over it.

If I like you and you don't like me back, that's fine.

If you like me but I don't like you, I'm sorry.

If the feeling is mutual, please tell me.

I'm a selfish, over protective, indecisive, sex-starved Scorpio.

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 13 November :: 1.40 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: S.O.S- Good Charlotte

My Love...
Disappointed and beyond believing you even give a damn.

Making cursory examinations of my conscience because I really don't want to see the dirty little secrets held within the spider webbing of my soul.

Somewhere wrists are crying their tears of scarlet, and the eyes are shedding their scopes of reality as walls twist and shadows bend.

No one will hear their screams as their pain consumes their sanity and no one will ever care because no one knows they exsist.

Kind of sad when you think about it...

"Should I trust some and get fooled by phoniness? Or should I trust nobody and live in lonilness. Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I'm lost within. I put on my daily facade and then I just wind up getting hurt again by myself." (LP, By Myself)

Those are the words I scream at myself everynight before my head hits the pillow and I'm lost in pleasent nightmares of you dying, my love.

I cry but no one cares because they don't know I'm here.

Have I ever told you it's always been for you?

2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 8 November :: 2.28 am
:: Mood: angry

Fickle Girl
It's almost three in the morning as it always is whenever I can't sleep and update my journals. Yeaaa...

Don't know whether to shove you away
Or hold you close to my heart,
Fickle girl.
Don't know if anything you say ever rings true
Or if it's just the same old, same old.
Fickle girl.

You say you don't know where you're headed.
Where this path might lead us.
You say that you're so confused.
But I know you just like the attention.
Though modest you try to be, I can see.
Take off your mask and quit this childish masquerade.

Fickle Girl.

Always laughing and smiling when your so-called friends.
Then the next moment sobbing on my shoulder about how horrible they've been.
Fickle girl.
Always clinging to my arm when we walk down the hall
But then behind my back you say that I'm the one who's clinging.
Fickle girl.
Fickle girl.

And I don't understand why you're so bland,
But why you're so desirable.
Fickle girl.
Why all the guys lust after you so.
It's enough to blow my mind.
Fickle girl.

And you say that the world is such a cruel place.
But you know I'll never shot you down.
You say I'm such a fool to believe in such unattainable dreams.
You know I'll keep trying.
So let me rip off that outer shell
You ugly, sadistic, bitch of a fickle girl.

Fickle girl.

Change is so hard to accomplish.
I know because I've tried.
But fickle girl, can't you see?
This is how you've changed!

You ugly...
Of a fickle girl.

Go put on your disguise, everyone's waiting.

This was inspired by someone who will remain nameless for the sake of emotions. And, yes, it is a girl.

Of course, it could be my imbalanced hormones again.



2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 5 November :: 1.06 am

The girl turned her head, salty gems of sorrow falling from her sapphire eyes. She was ashamed for them to see just how weak she was, afraid of what they would think. For, you see, she had always put up a complicated from so that no one could see her true self.

But a thief with a key aimed to see what was in the padlock. So, cleverly, the thief took her universal key and turned it ever so carefully. She didn't want to damage what lied within for she did not know what it could be.

Just as the lock clicked, she was chased away by demons of bitter lonliness. The girls heart saught a companion but was not ready to let anyone claim the riches in her heart so swiftly.

The thief tried subconciously time and time again to unlike the door but everytime she got close, the steel doors would smash shut and she would wait for another day.

The shameful girl fell to her knees, burying her head in her hands, wallowing in a puddle of her own anxiety. And the thief could do nothing more than watch. She did not know what to do to help...

So many monthes came to pass and the fragile girl's condition only worsened. Life was horrible. She would come to school with bruises and slashed wrists. No one ever saw but the thief because the thief, though she was but a thief, was the only one that the girl trusted even if it wasn't entirely. Her heart had been shattered by another, this woman crafty and wicked. The witch had turned almost everyone against the innocent and she had no where to go.

With worsening condition she decided it would be then that she would meet her demise because she couldn't face this torture, this anguish any longer.

Holding the knife at her wrist, she looked up into the darkened ceiling, the razor dropping with a clatter.

The thief had done what thieves do best, stolen her heart. And in return, replaced the wounded child with her own.

At long last the year was over and it was the last day they would see each other ever again. For a time they just gazed silently at one another, holding hands tightly. They didn't care who saw, no, they didn't.

The final hour approached. She cried and cried, the thief only held her, stroking her long red hair, assuring her that everything would be alright. In due time they would meet again.

And still more people stared.

But the thief was right. They would meet again.

And having the thieves heart made the pain so much easier to bear.

The thief was never a thief at all, just a blessing in disguise.

~Dedicated to Jocelyn~

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 3 November :: 6.19 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: This is the New Shit; Marilyn Manson

Uncomfortable silences haunt our conversations once full of your views on the world and hearty laughter. Now all is dead, your flower garden died and all that's left are the weeds.

Why do you use your problems as excuses? You never saw them drag me down like this, did you? And whay are you trying to be societies little puppet bound by the expectations of others?

You never used to care what they said about you as long as we had each other but you've become so hard to please, I'm trying. Seeds take time to grow, but I think they've all died, perhaps.

All I seek is the reason for your change. Like a butterfly you morphed, but maybe not into something more beautiful. You drag me down with your emotions putting your weight on my shoulders and I bear it without question because my heart cannot allow me to do otherwise.

Please stop being like this, I can't stand what you've become. Your constant griping and moaning. The world doesn't revolve around you even though you'd like to think it does.

Ah, but when you hold me in your arms... I never want to let that moment go.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 27 October :: 11.31 pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: None

I am so not feeling poetic. But, hell, I'll try.
She watches the world go by through her looking glass stained by the hatred she's too blind to see. She sits by, watching the world turn, society burn.

Does she care that little children cry of the boogie man when they go to sleep? Does it even matter what other people go through?

So stolid, so heartless. That's what they all say. But none of them know of her realistic facade. The mask she parades when they all ask if she is okay.

She smiles and nods and reverts back to her own thoughts, the only things that seem to even make sense anymore.

Around her the world is dying. People are loosing themselves in the beauty of artificial happiness. They are to blind to see. She thinks she sees the beauty of the world. The beauty of the hatred, the magnificence of the anger, the bitter-sweet taste of the sorrow.

In time the stitches left by the tainted hands of others will fade, but inside they will always stay. Threatening to wither, to consume.

Is she a victim? Or does she only enjoy the childish game of make-believe?

With one swift slice she could end the pain that gathers inside of her like morning dew. But she will prevail if only to prove she could be the thing they said she could never be.

An angel.
Letting my mind go again. I guess I was feeling more poetic than I thought. ^^;

4 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 19 October :: 7.41 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: A Mountain; Good Charlotte

Once Upon a Time
Long ago there was a flower, a single lone flower. No other flowers could grow around if for the flower was covered with thorns and towered over even the tallest tree with only it's one single bud and poisonous leaves.

Alone it lived for a very long time, growing larger by the years. Still, only the one flower remained, never dying and never blooming. Just staying as eternally young forever.

Seasons came and went, but still larger it grew. It dwarfed the town nearby as one tangle of black vines, thorns all about it and only that tiny bud at the top, daring to rise to the heavens itself.

And in the shadows rose a single flower. Nothing special, it was small and miniscule compared to the giant mess of brambles. It grew higher and higher, but never rose above the unbudded flower, wrapping itself around the thorny stalk.

No matter how much the thorns ripped at it's skin, it continued to spiral around until the two flowers were intwined.

In that moment of perfection both flowers burst into bloom.

See what you make of it. It makes no sense to me, but you know.. whatever.

4 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 10 October :: 3.51 pm

With a soft sigh she awakened from her eternal slumber, snowy hair fluttering as her soul returned to her one more. She glittered as the angels only did and the heavens were envious of her. For a brief moment, her wings were wide and beautiful, unmarred, untainted by her blood. They vanished shortly afterwards and she was left as nothing but the demon she had been before.

No mirror to feed souls to to keep her power undefiable.

No renegade angel living within her, trying any and every way she could to break the seal and unleash heavens wrath on the Earth.

No, she was simply herself once again.

"Rise." Came a cold voice she knew all too well. But it didn't click in her mind as her feet acted of their own accord and made her stand up.

She was tattered and torn, though her body had healed. Without a word, she turned daintily and stared at the ground, deep indigo eyes trailing up the cream colored fur of a cloak all the way up to the baboonhead perched atop a male head, hiding his identity as he peered at her with those blood eyes he had. But she knew all too well who he was.

And she couldn't have been happier to see that evil, wretched, damned, arrogent, despikable bastard.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 7 October :: 2.59 am

My Outlook on My Life in General
There is nothing much to speak on my behalf, my poetic soul seems to do much of the talking for me these days. More accustomed am I growing to these words that the lines and shapes that came so freely from these calloused hands now seems so hard and painstaking.

She spoke the words I wanted to hear. They formed so perfectly on those serpent lips, how could I even begin to see the lies intwined so perfectly into the threads of words that flowed like the river from those perfect lips of hers. The Goddess of Deciet is what she is. Maybe she cares a little too much about her love.. one can't function on superficial smiles and pretend kisses for long, can they? She has driven away any and all who have cared about her because she obsesses. The sweet silk that is her voice spins a web of lies and she is deemed untrustworthy. Perhaps it is reason for me to be wary.

But you know me.

Broken wings can never fly
And angered souls can never die.
Tainted hearts can never feel
And wounded minds can never heal.
The fallen angel can never return
The foolish child will never learn
The letcherous man can never commit
And the warriors defeat he will never admit
So tell me.. isn't life fucked up?

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 27 September :: 6.45 am
:: Music: Somewhere I Belong; Linkin Park

This Always Happens To Me...
I put a bullet through me, shattered my stained glass heart. He said he didn't hate me, he just disliked me.. there isn't much difference when you get to that line, is there?

Crucifixtions from long ago came back to haunt the apology, he couldn't bear that I was not his. I wanted to stay friends, I did worry, I still care, but he said friendship was bullshit. Bullshit, huh..

I cried tears of black because this naive mind could not understand.. it could not comprehind the reason behind his illogical thinking though it so desperately tried. I couldn't understant why he never wanted to breath another word to me.. it was because of those damned crucifixtions that travel through time like bleeding wounds.

I know he'll never listen to what I have to say, nor can I speak the words that truely express my deep concern and worry for him, but why should I waste my time on one who doesn't care whether he's loved or scorned?

Great.. now the ebony sea is rolling with the tides of sorrow once again.

I just wanted to be your friend.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 20 September :: 4.21 pm
:: Mood: guilty
:: Music: Down With the Sickness; Disturbed

::sigh:: I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I seem dissatisfied all of the time, nothing can please me anymore. I hunger for more, for perfection itself but even perfection is not enough. I expect too much from the people around me. I expect them to be flawless and when they're not I feel disappointed and angry that they could let me down.

I know it was wrong of me to be so angry at Trevor for something so stupid. I wish I could hug him and tell him I'm sorry, but my stupid pride keeps getting in the way. I worry about how I'll look, how he'll look. Maybe if we weren't in front of so many people. Maybe I will tomorrow.. I dunno. I don't want to embarrass him.. or myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, it feels like I'm a different person, I don't know myself at all anymore.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 11 September :: 7.39 pm

Which Angel Sanctuary character are you? by Lyn

And the second result, thanks to Yue for finding these.

Which Angel Sanctuary character are you? by Lyn

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 7 September :: 7.46 pm
:: Music: Aura- Yuki Kajiura and Kouichi Mashita

Life just drags on and on..
Today was good, I guess.

Not weather wise, the sky was pouring forth endless torrents of rain all day because of Frances and the wind was ripping, pulling leaves from trees and branches and such.

We stand in the gym usually, in the morning before the bell rings and I was standing there. Well.. CJ and Kasey are going out. And now I come to find Sam is going out with Lacey. Damn hypocrite. He doesn't want me going out with him and he thinks it's so messed up and he goes and does the exact same thing. Not that I'm jealous, I could care less, really.

But Kasey won't shut up about CJ. I'm serious, every other word that comes out of her mouth is about CJ. It's almost as bad as Stephanie is with Daniel. Geez. Sorry, I'm easy to agitation I guess.

KB is also going out with Daniel, she dumped Tyler I guess. Heh, everyone has someone, I guess I feel kind of out-of-the-loop. But, I really don't want a relationship. I want one, but I don't. Confusing, I know. I'll be fine without one, but feel lonely and unwanted and bitch about it. Then when I get one, I constantly bitch and complain and it's so hard to please me, Nick knows that ^^;

Not sure if Chris likes me or not. I think Micheal likes me.. not sure on that one either. Why do I feel uncomfortable looking into the eyes of other people? Do I see more than I should? I wonder.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 6 September :: 9.18 pm
:: Mood: loved

No one really understands the depth of my feelings, sigh. They all thing the Nick relationship is doomed. It will never work. They've tried online relationships before and they never worked out. Who's asking for your opinions? I'm certainly not. I don't want your advice, keep your opinions to yourself.

How dare you say it wasn't meant to be, that it's stupid, that I'm naive. How dare you condemn me, tell me it's not worth it, tell me it will never be.

I'll be the first to say this to your face, I don't care what you think. I really don't, so keep the bull to yourself. I don't care if we live far apart, Nick isn't a liar. He's never lied to me about anything and likewise, I've never lied to him. Maybe once or twice, but I always told him the truth, the guilt is too much to bear.

I love him with all the love in my heart, love that I've never felt for anyone else. Love that no one else has even began to imagine. I love him, God I love him so much. So don't say to my face that it won't happen, that he isn't the person I think he is. Don't TELL me those things.

You'll see, it will work.. We will make it work. We'll get there someday and we might be taking the long way but we'll get there. And we'll sit back, you all said we'll never make it and we'll just smile because we held on. We held on and came through in the end, we did, we did.

I love you Nick.

2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 4 September :: 8.50 pm

I;ve been feeling really artistic today, I've drawn alot. Yeah, alot of crap. I dunno, everyone tells me it's so good and I guess I compare myself to others. I don't think I'm as good as other people and no matter how much I practice I can't seem to get better. Eh, that's a lie. I mean, looking back at some of my art, I've no doubtedly gotten better. Also learning how to use photoshop to help meh color things so I'm not always submitting sketches to deviant art.

I watched the second Inuyasha movie, it was pretty cool. Kaguya tries to seal Inuyasha's human side into her mirror so Inuyasha's true desire is fulfilled. He almost kills Miroku when he tried to put some sense into the growling Inuyasha. It took a kiss from Kagome and several flashbacks before he returned to reality. It was really beautiul, I think so anyways.

I feel like nowadays I've been really contemplating more than I should be. Fretting over things that are so silly, or so they seem.. but to me they are bothersome. Like mosquitos. And I can't get enough of 'Hero' for some reason. Perhaps it holds some special meaning? Maybe it's because it's true?

I know people who say that love will save us. God's love for us will deliver us. But how can this be? How can they really believe that? Look at everything that we do in the name of love. Stupid things. We kill and there's naught but bloodshed in love's name. So the world promised by love is nothing but a myth. Right?

Maybe there will be such a thing as peace one day. Real peace. But, alas, there will never be peace. There will always be some belligerant, some protestor that will want to rise against the good. Always. There will always be a person who sees the right thing as the wrong thing.

The only things that bring me peace are knowing the ones I love are alright. It gives me peace of mind. Nick brings me peace of mind, there's nothing he could ever do that would make me hate him. Even if he told me he hated me. Even he told me he doesn't want me anymore. I'm a hopless romantic, I'd love him even after he left, after he told me to my face he didn't want me. He's been there for me always and for every stupid mistake, though he was disappointed, he never gave up on me and I don't think he ever will. At least I hope he doesn't. I couldn't bear life outside of his arms, I really couldn't.

Maybe love won't save all of us. But as long as he's there it will save me. It will save me.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 4 September :: 11.56 am
:: Mood: inspired
:: Music: Hero- Chad Kroeger

I am so high I can hear heaven..
I am so high I can hear heaven..
Oh but heaven, no, heaven don't hear me.

And they say that a hero can save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait.
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away.

Someone told me love would all save us.
But how can be?
Look what love gave us.
A world full of killing and blood spilling.
That world never came.

And they say that a hero can save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait.
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away.

Now that the world isn't ending,
It's love that I'm sending to you.
It isn't the love of a hero.
And that's why I fear it won't do.

And they say that a hero can save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait.
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away.

And they're watching us
They're watching us as we all fly away.
And they're watching us
They're watching us as we all fly away.
And they're watching
They're watching us as we all fly away.

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 30 August :: 4.26 pm
:: Music: Stupify; Disturbed

Today started off well enough.. though I was limping because my foot hurt. I had on new boots that weren't broken in, so it was kind of.. hard. And some kid came up to me and said, "Hey, Limpy!"

I didn't even know him...

In art, Trevor was really friendly.. or, more energetic than he usually is around me in Art. I fake-punched him then had to kiss his cheek to make it better ^^;

I don't think Chris likes me as much as I like him.. it's fine, I can understand why he wouldn't want to bring moi home to his parents. They're like oober Christians supposedly.. they'd probably be putting holy water in my drinks and crap. It's get annoying after awhile.

Anyways.. I feel like drawing something. Dunno what, but something sounds nice. Ja ne.

5 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 29 August :: 1.04 pm
:: Mood: amused

LAcey's house
I got back from Lacey's house yesterday but I was so sore and exhausted I didn't do very much.

We went to the movies in Newnan on Friday and she wanted to see Exorcist but I knew they wouldn't let us in so I wanted to go see Andacondas. Well, all through the entire movie, some jackass kept kicking the back of my seat and it was annoying the piss out of me. But yea, we left when it was over and we walked to her friends house, or where she thought he lived. In actuality, he lived alot further away. So we called him on a pay phone AFTER I sprained my foot running on the highway and jumping into some grass, and we walked almost a mile there.

There wasn't really anything that happened after that. We got Slappy to drive us over to the movies and sat there until her mom came and got us and when we got home we wacthed Jackass Season 2 and 3. Funny funny stuff.

Daniel came over Saturday. We sacrificed Barbies in our little upside down pentagram pit. We put ketchup on ourselves and laid by the road.. (don't ask why please). And then I came home with my foot all brown and swelled.

It doesn't hurt so much today, I can walk on it without limping too bad. Eh, oh well. It was my own stupidity for mismeasuring height.

I love you all, but I'm hungry. So, bye.

Little Dark Child

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 26 August :: 8.21 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: My December; Linkin Park-Reanimation

I don't think I've ever put happy as my mood before, have I? All I put is depressed.. bitchy.. bla bla, etc, etc. Anyways!

My goodness, today was sooo lovely! Lacey(no, not the redneck that screws her cousin XD) invited me over her house this weekend! And I was like: "Well.." And all she had to say was: "Chris George lives next door." And I was like: "Okay, then!"

Ooh, for some reason he reminds me of Sharon, I think it's their eyes. Like, he's got those wide eyes that are light blue and they just kind of sparkle. So cute ^^ He's a skater, too. I plan to ask him if he'll teach me to skateboard without ending up on my ass.. e.e; I don't think I evr told you about that!

My dad gave my sister a ToysR'Us goft card for like $100 dollars so we went there and I was all lookin at the skateboards and there were a few people in that isle. So, I put my foot on it and leaned my weight on it and it just went "SHOOM!" right out from underneath of me and I was on my ass and I swear everyone was looking at me O.O;; Oh, well.

^____^ So, later!

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 24 August :: 8.52 pm
:: Music: Want-Disturbed

A Few More..
table style='font-family : Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; border-collapse: collapse; border: 1px solid black;' cellspacing='0' cellpadding='2' align='center'>

Become a God or Goddess.
by zerogirl
God/Goddess ofBeauty
Animal Companion:Wolf
Weak againstMagic
Weapon:Cross bow
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What would your Anime life be like? by hearthlight
Your looks:Ethereal beauty.
Your best friend:A sickeningly sweet schoolgirl
Your powers:FIRE!
Your beloved:A sexy vampire.
Your occupation:Lookin' pretty.
Your ending:Confusing.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Suicide Note by prisoner655321
Your Name
Your Age
Title of the noteI was just so alone...
Most memorable line...daddy doesn't love me anymore...
How many people will read it53
When you will be forgottenJanuary 13, 2006
How will you do the deed?knife to the heart, just like elliot smith, rest his poor soul
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Are you an Angel, too?

:: 2004 24 August :: 8.35 pm

I <3 doing quizes ^^
Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...mysterious
Your hugs are...gentle
Your eyes...burn into my heart
Your touch is...awakening my heart
Your smell is...exotic
Your smile is...entrancing
Your love is...unique
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:Machete
Your Favorite Target:Hospital workers
Your Kill Count:216,671,748
Your Battle Cry:"I enjoy cheese."
Years You Spend in Jail:2
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:$256,882,058,697,679
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 24%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
The quality that most appeals to you:Spiritual Advancement
In a survival situation, you:Run like hell
Your hidden talent is:A beautiful mind
Your gift is:Irresistible attractiveness
In groups, you:Blend in
Your best quality is:Your indomitable will
Your weakness is:Your furious temper
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
How will you commit suicide?You will slash your throat
How many tries will it take?88
When will you commit suicide?December 13, 2015
What will your suicide note say?"Mother, Father .. where did we go wrong?"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Hair:Never stays the same style/colour for long.
Clothes:Long, super cool trenchcoats.
Powers:Dragon taming
Special Features:Wolf ears and tail
Sidekick:An alternate personality, that on occasion takes on its own physical form.
Attitude:Psychotic and damn proud.
Weapon:Power glove
Quiz created with MemeGen!


Theme songs of your life
by eponine
your name?
love song:your song - elton john
depressing song:goobye to you - michelle branch
party song:what i like about you - lillix
what-the-hell-ever song:iris - the goo goo dolls
your lifegoodbye yellow brick road - elton john
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Life: The Movie
by mintyduck
Who will play you:Sigourney Weaver
Who will play your love interest:Julianne Moore
Weeks you will stay in the box office:11
Song that will play during your love scene:Kylie Minogue - Love at First Sight
Song that will play during your death:Simon and Garfunkel - Sound of Silence
Your name:
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Are you an Angel, too?

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