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Tainted Heart, Broken Wings

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 29 March :: 11.37pm

"i'd like to thank you, and you, and you, and you, and you..."

there were a lot of "yous" but not a lot of "mes" and i feel like i could punch you in the eye for that.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 24 March :: 8.21pm

My first art gallery tonight! better eat some pasta!

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 5 February :: 12.26pm

There was a storm involving a large amount of rain, during which I was separated from Daniel and Joseph and everyone I knew. Everything was flooded. I was very pregnant, hugely pregnant and somehow I ended up in a mangrove forest, swimming between the trees and climbing over and through roots. I was trying to find something to float on so I could rest, and I saw two girls that I knew, who I can't remember now, floating by in some sort of large, earthy basket. They tried to run away from me because they didn't want to share. I swam after them and they panicked, falling out of the basket and running away. I spent forever swimming after it against the current until finally I reached it with the help of someone I can't remember and climbed in. The person left.

The basket turned into a car. I slept in it and woke up in labor. I wanted Daniel to be there very badly. I had the baby and it was a boy and he was beautiful and I loved him.
I left the car and waded to a building inside the mangroves that was crowded with refugees of the storm. There were dozens of fast food places and I was trying to find something to give to the baby, all the while asking him, "what do you want?" he was silent and didn't cry.

All the people were looking at me like they pitied me and I didn't like it. I started to hurt in my lower stomach so I went to a hospital in the same building where I had to let go of the boy. They didn't make me feel better, but when I got the baby back from them, he was nestled in a large Styrofoam cup and something was wrong with his hands. They looked angular and inhuman. I began to walk back to the car in the mangroves to go home, and he started to cry for the first time. I breathed into the cup softly and he stopped and fell asleep.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2010 3 January :: 12.55am

oh joey sweetheart, i dont want to lose you.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 9 December :: 9.32am

I want to shake every limb in the garden of Eden
And make every love the love of my life

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 17 November :: 11.58am

YES YES AND YES.

ah what a life i lead.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 24 October :: 10.58pm

UGH

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 20 October :: 1.49am

this is how i picture it:

"i don't understand, what am i confused about?"

"not confused exactly."

"what?"

"i'm telling you i love you."

"what?"

"my hand there, is holding my words, the light shining on both of our faces. and i'm smiling because i love you. and you don't, so you aren't moving or regarding the words."

silence.

"i know you don't. that's what it's about. but i love you."

"oh."

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 9 October :: 2.44am

i can't think of anything bad right now besides that lump.

things with dan are better than i could have imagined. there are no words. everything coming out of my mouth sounds so silly.

joe i see constantly. everything is just the way it always was and i am so happy. and christina and the fritz and arun and mandy and matt, they are all too much.




we went to the tower and i sat with my paints painting and you with your guitar playing until the light was gone and we found our way home. lazy weekends with you are the best weekends i've ever had, and what did i do to deserve all this goodness.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 12 September :: 1.58pm

jasper was put down this morning. i love you puppy.

Photobucket

and i miss you terribly

2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 11 September :: 5.09pm

"you came and i was crazy for you
and you cooled my mind that burned with longing"

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 2 September :: 7.29pm

i miss chocolate! of all the allergies to develop!

Are you an Angel, too?


shroudofrain

:: 2009 31 August :: 11.31am

What can be said? What can be told that hasn't already been uttered before for the sake of knowing that things aren't right, and that change, nay... revolution must commence for the sake of love, mystery, and fellowship?
Government promises change, individuals promise change, yet no one offers revolution, because it's too drastic.
Things are getting complicated now in this day, lines are being blurred, and even hard truth is being pulled into question every single day about things that we once strongly believed to be true and right and fair.
Don't get me wrong, however: Questioning is something needed and should be accepted by any sex of religion, organization, and government, but when the questions begin to loose their humility, when the questions begin to be less and less raw, and more and more about trying to prove a statement wrong that you are either tired of or you don't think is right, then what is the point of questioning if it's only for selfish gain? How does it better anyone else but the questioning individual, and as a matter of fact I wouldn't even call what the person is doing a questioning individual. I'd go as far as to title them a demon, because all they are doing is making others doubt so that they loose sight of what is true and right, to see a view that really only the individual believes is right just because it looks good and it's different from the other view that they don't even understand why they don't like in the first place. Because it doesn't make sense? That's a cop-out, and here's why:
In school, if something didn't make sense, you would question the teacher, right? If your parents say something that doesn't sound right or they say something that you don't understand, what do you do? Just say "Screw you," and go off doing your own project or chore? No, you question the teacher or parent or whoever... because you don't understand; because it doesn't make sense to you. Why is this scene any different in the topic of God? If something doesn't make sense, people question in any other facet of life besides this one, and that amazes me.
A revolution needs to take place. A drastic change needs to happen to change how people view God, church, and their spirit. Churches today have painted a grotesque picture of what Jesus looked like, believed, and did. They sculpted a horrible representation of God in their million dollar buildings that are only to be used to the congregation, and built a fellowship that you have to gain membership into the body of Christ. This "Christdom" if you will has become overweight, too powerful, and it overshadows what should really be seen in terms of what Christ did, believe, and tried to show the world. God is seen as a guy waiting to strike down anyone who comes in his path. Christ is seen as a pretty neat guy that people would like to get to know... as long as you hate gays. Both of those depictions are things that the church in general has fed us with, and I'm surprised so many have taken it for this long.
What would it look like for a church to give out half of what it gets in in offering.
What would it look like for a church to not be confined by walls or a building?
What would it look like for a church to help its community any way possible?
To cloth and feed and house the needy?
To love anyone who walks through the doors or what have you?

3 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 26 August :: 8.05pm

i miss joey. i don't think daniel will ever love me, but i am fairly sure he knows i love him and it makes him uneasy. i don't blame him at all. school is great, i'm painting and i have my own room. life goes on the same as it always has.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 24 August :: 6.30pm

i want to come home joey

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 24 August :: 2.43am

my hair is growing but i am not, school is starting and my heart is full but with white sea foam and nothing more. i am not ashamed of myself, or maybe i am, but i know that i should not be, so i stand firm.

if you could love me you would, whether or not you were ready to.

it is okay and i am okay, so let's keep walking and we'll see where this takes you, because we already know where it has taken me.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 18 August :: 12.26am

being in cape coral never stops being weird.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 11 August :: 5.58pm

he did not miss me at all oh things are bad

1 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 10 August :: 8.13pm

NO BABY YAY

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 9 August :: 10.01pm

an answer would be nice!

god i miss danny. i hug a pillow at night.



i need help i need hugs i need a loved one to be with me

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 9 August :: 1.43am

OH MY GOD I WILL DO ANYTHING

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 8 August :: 3.15am

i think there is someone in my belly

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 7 August :: 2.58am

i dont want to miss you like this anymore

2 Blessed me with their words | Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 6 August :: 6.34am

so fucking tired. i spent the night in an airport, hooray

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 2 August :: 4.59am

do i seem different to you here on the stairs, bare and pleading oh please open yourself to me. my slow blooming flower, i am tired of petals. i know that it is natural YOU, but the planets are circling too slowly and i am weary of the days and the nights.

this will not last much longer or perhaps it will last forever. but please please it is all i ask, please tell me soon.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 28 July :: 1.33am

i'll never love anybody but you baby, baby, i'll never love anybody but you if you'll be my boy

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 20 July :: 11.06pm

it is getting that way, i can smell you and feel you when you are gone. and the nights you are with me go on and on in a blur of your smells and your hair and when we wake up together we make love and fall back asleep together and everything is going to be different this time, or exactly the same, and i do not know but i do not care! i am falling falling in love and finally i want to paint and finally i want to do something with myself. OH yes yes yes yes eysysysysysyses yes!

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 18 July :: 3.49am

i do believe in it with all of my tiny little heart. and how could i ever doubt that your soft touch would leave simply because it is soft. my feet are firmly planted beside yours and my smile is getting bigger and bigger all the time.

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 14 July :: 11.11am

i overreacted, but i am way too worn down. what am i going to do when school comes back?

Are you an Angel, too?


ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2009 13 July :: 12.17pm

doctors all the time and swallowing barium is disgusting and prescriptions and i'm always sick and dan sleeps over and takes care of me but i know he must be so annoyed and he must want to leave for a girl that is just a little tougher

Are you an Angel, too?

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