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:: 2018 21 March :: 9.51pm

love is this thing I've been chasing ever since my childhood. I keep putting my heart into people, imagining that one of them will put me as number one, put me on a pedestal and let me still be independent.

I have been asking for space, but also suffocating attention. My childhood was taken from me, and my emotions are all fucked up. But I finally had this moment of clarity...

Maybe my second relationship would have worked out if I had just stayed in college. If I had valued that stupid worthless piece of paper over my dillusional image of what love is.

Love isn't noble or pure, just or heavenly. I haven't really believed in it for a long time, but it's still something I crave. I my relationship I can feel the same feelings that love is in my heart, and I suppose it is still love... My mind just warps it into this cynical and painful experience where nothing is ever good enough.

I'm never good enough
They never read my mind well enough
I cant even read my mind well enough to know what I need or want

I just want to feel important to you. But first I need to feel important to myself.

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