:: 2005 10 December :: 8.34 pm

Ok just cuz i'm on a xanga break doesn't mean i cant write in here right?

Good cuz i'm bored.

And I'm eating through this thing of cookie dough. Its amazing.
I've lost weight since I got here so its ok...because this is amazing.

This is more of my analyzation journal anyway.

Once i finish this cookie dough im going to study...it needs to be done.

I learned all about plants today...gymnosperms, angiosperms, conifers...haha man its super. I know all of their reproduction cycles too ::nods:: Im so smart...::rolls eyes::

I need Kingdom Hearts...it stops all thoughts.

I've hit a certain degree of insanity, i've hit it with a large hammer that doesnt even exist.

O.o
a'g;lhjrh-]iikht

I'm going to study and pray that it saves me from myself.

~Jackie

2 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2005 10 December :: 8.34 pm

Ok just cuz i'm on a xanga break doesn't mean i cant write in here right?

Good cuz i'm bored.

And I'm eating through this thing of cookie dough. Its amazing.
I've lost weight since I got here so its ok...because this is amazing.

This is more of my analyzation journal anyway.

Once i finish this cookie dough im going to study...it needs to be done.

I learned all about plants today...gymnosperms, angiosperms, conifers...haha man its super. I know all of their reproduction cycles too ::nods:: Im so smart...::rolls eyes::

I need Kingdom Hearts...it stops all thoughts.

I've hit a certain degree of insanity, i've hit it with a large hammer that doesnt even exist.

O.o
a'g;lhjrh-]iikht

I'm going to study and pray that it saves me from myself.

~Jackie

Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2005 2 December :: 11.30 am

So I feel like being creative but its hard because laziness is over-powering my creativeness. Damn.

I did start writing a new story in chem today though. I figured it was a better-much more entertaining use of my time. I've completely given up on chem...its a waste of time to even try to learn it. It can go fuck itself.

But yeah i've been thinking a lot about what I want/need. I realized that I don't like myself- nothing new there but that perhaps what i'm looking for relationship-wise is someone who can make me like myself.

I think its basically impossible. I've doubted everyone i've dated...in my mind they had no reason to like/love me, my explanation was just that they didnt know me or they didnt realize that they didnt really love me or what not. But then again that could just go back to me believing that I'm not worth being liked/loved...its quite the strange circle.

::shrugs:: I'm pretty calm today...those are just recent thoughts you know?

This is only in here because this journal (dear lord i almost spelled that "Gernal"!) is relatively safe...i think.

In other news, i'm getting sick :( My tummy hurts mucho...ever since yesterday and its not going away :(

In better news erm um...not sure.

I lose.

Heh.

Alright bye.

~Jackie

Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2005 2 December :: 11.30 am

So I feel like being creative but its hard because laziness is over-powering my creativeness. Damn.

I did start writing a new story in chem today though. I figured it was a better-much more entertaining use of my time. I've completely given up on chem...its a waste of time to even try to learn it. It can go fuck itself.

But yeah i've been thinking a lot about what I want/need. I realized that I don't like myself- nothing new there but that perhaps what i'm looking for relationship-wise is someone who can make me like myself.

I think its basically impossible. I've doubted everyone i've dated...in my mind they had no reason to like/love me, my explanation was just that they didnt know me or they didnt realize that they didnt really love me or what not. But then again that could just go back to me believing that I'm not worth being liked/loved...its quite the strange circle.

::shrugs:: I'm pretty calm today...those are just recent thoughts you know?

This is only in here because this journal (dear lord i almost spelled that "Gernal"!) is relatively safe...i think.

In other news, i'm getting sick :( My tummy hurts mucho...ever since yesterday and its not going away :(

In better news erm um...not sure.

I lose.

Heh.

Alright bye.

~Jackie

Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2005 28 November :: 5.09 pm

Long time.

I'm wasting the few hours I have left before I MUST study. EUHGURH
I hate chemistry!!!

So this journal is much safer than xanga. I can easily guess who may read this one...xanga, everyone knows about it so its not somewhere that i can really trust.

Thanksgiving break was amazing, though it did suck that I didnt see everyone I wanted to or get to spend much time with everyone.

Then there were the people I did see that I kind of wish I didnt...

Nick is the perfect example haha...

Its hard even to put my thoughts in here... scary.

I need somewhere to sort things out but how many times do I have to sort this issue out???

I've spent the last few years dealing with it and stressing over it and exploding over it

How ridiculous am I???

Very. Boo.

College was supposed to make it go away...

I was so sure it would.

But nooo...i still make dumb decisions that affect things at home and make me go...wtf was I thinking???

Blah. I need dinner.

~Jackie

3 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2005 20 September :: 1.09 pm

Well I broke.

I want to go home.

I don't even know why.

I'm too dumb for college.

I can't do things on my own...even going to the library to do a project scares me.

I failed my first exam.

Failed...like below average, and average was 62.

That means I'm failing a class already.

I'm that stupid.

I feel like sleeping all the time.

And thats scary because I guess a lot of people have mono in our dorm.

Great.

Just great.

Everyone has been home but me!

And why they hell did I choose zoology?!

Who was I kidding? I can't do this!

What a dumb career path!

What do I think I can do with this?

Everyone in zoology here is going into a medicine career.

I have a test at 2...its 1:14.

I'm going to fail again.

Why am I freaking out?

Everyones coming to me asking for help lately...and I want to help.

But now I'm flipping out.

URHGJDHG:LKAJSF

This whole alone thing...how do I feel so alone?

People are so awesome here....

But I don't know why i feel so alone and freaked out...like the whole doing things on my own maybe...

Whatever.

I dont get mitosis...and its on my test.

Bye.

~Jackie

3 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2005 31 August :: 1.54 pm

Woah... is it Jackie?
Nope.
Ok yeah...you caught me.

I had a lot more private entries on here than I thought man! They were private for a reason though and I shouldnt have even seen them. Boo.

Its weird too cuz they are like a year old.

Talk about needing to let go of the past huh?

Its just weird. One of them was a...erm...a story type dealie. I cant believe that all that jazz lasted until January 2005! Maybe a bit longer but wow...everyone told me it went on too long...but that long?! YIKES MAN! And i dont even think people knew it went up until jan/feb. Thats siiick! O.o I think I'm going to delete all those entries.

But when I was packing to come here a few weeks ago (dear god...its been 2 weeks already!) I found the oldest of old woohu entries haha. Wow... you guys...we had so much shit going on between all of us it was ridiculous!!!! Who did we think we were creating so much drama?! SHEESH. Haha. But yeah...wow...dont look back on the past...or old journal entries. Scary stuff that is.

I'm gonna go write a more fun xanga entry now because xanga is awesomely awesome. Just thought Id surprise everyone cool in here! Hehe bye!

~Jackie

2 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2004 29 November :: 9.13 pm
:: Music: Love Will Keep Us Alive- The Eagles

Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2004 16 November :: 8.23 pm

Jackie,
Your life patterns have reached a new stability and you feel good about what you've done with your situation. This isn't the time to cry over what has been lost. What is done is in the past tense and cannot be changed. Instead of looking back, it's now time to use your current strength to allow yourself to live fully in the present without looking too far ahead.


Wow my horoscopes have been pretty good lately! :)

Adios

Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2004 15 November :: 10.45 pm

Jackie,
Although you may not feel like a rock of stability, there is a powerful peace in knowing that you can be free enough from tradition to embrace your future. It may seem as if you are walking a tightrope between the new and the old, but you make it look so easy that others will respect the path you've taken. Take a deep breath, don't look down and keep moving forward.

Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2004 12 November :: 2.22 am

Jackie,
Events are happening in your life that signal the changes you've been anticipating. This is a time of spiritual and emotional renewal. You know that the ending is as important as the new beginning, and now you must be prepared to let go of that which is holding you back. Don't worry. You're not going to lose in the long run. You simply have to make room for what the currents are now carrying toward you.

Oh man... I was so just thinking about that today! Wooo for horoscopes!

Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2004 2 November :: 11.50 pm

Holy shit...
My stomach is twisting in all sorts of knots.
::Bangs head on the desk::

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2004 1 November :: 4.59 pm

Thanks goes out to Patrice... Missing Trig today was fun :)

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2004 21 October :: 5.40 pm

I hate you.
Yeah thats right.
You...and you...with the funny face.
But esspecially you.

~*~

And we always say,
It would be good to go away, someday
But if there’s nothing there to make things change
If it’s the same for you
I’ll just hang
The same for you
I’ll always hang

Well I always say,
It would be good to go away
But if things don’t work out like we think
And there’s nothing there to ease this ache
But if there’s nothing there to make things change
If it’s the same for you, I’ll just hang

Hang- Matchbox20

~*~

Tuesday's horoscope

Jackie,
You may be feeling a bit too dry as you long for a deep emotional connection. The problem is that your nervous system has been on high frequency alert. It's like you've been taking an exam with only one question on it -- an unsolvable mathematical equation. Take the pressure off yourself and take an incomplete on the test. This is not a failure; you can come back to it later when you feel refreshed. This frees you up to attend to more important issues.

~*~

Yesterday

Jackie,
You have tools that allow you to go into deeper emotional realms than many of your friends. Now it is time to use whatever tricks you have in your bag as you dig further into the roots of your own needs to control emotions. As you discover the sources of your fears, you'll be able to better loosen up the blockages in your life.

~*~

Today

Jackie,
Tension arises from your own lack of clarity about your feelings. You are still feeling the intensity from yesterday's Venus-Pluto square, but now it's time to find your way back up to the surface. Even if your perspective is a bit clouded by your own fears, move past your uncertainty. Head directly into the mists of your own illusions, for it is there that you will find the blessing of self-forgiveness.

1 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?

:: 2004 20 October :: 12.35 am

List of things to give up this year for new years:

Quality conversations...the kind where you talk about stuff that is actually important and meaningful.

"Love" or the idea of it

Lonliness

Jealousy

Hate (or strongly disliking...)

Meat or possibly just cheeseburgers and fast food.

2 people have been pushed out by my fears. | Have my fears pushed you out?