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:: 2012 24 April :: 2.15 am
:: Mood: awake


:: 2012 24 February :: 11.55 pm
:: Mood: calm

I cannot go to the ocean.
Your fingertips across my skin...

Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you! Why can't you just let me be!?


:: 2012 15 February :: 2.03 am
:: Mood: hungry

Didn't you know? We can't marry for love, and we can't marry for money.

All I want now is to wake up alone in my own bed with all of my things around me with my loving dog squinting at me.
Being alone this Valentines day was pretty much the best gift I could have gotten.

Other than the Strawberry chocolate heart that Kelsey gave me.

Tomorrow: hair cut, hair dye, and some piercings.

Because I can.



:: 2011 23 August :: 4.13 pm
:: Mood: exhausted



:: 2011 9 August :: 3.43 pm
:: Mood: drained

Day one bazillion.
Lately I've been having really vivid dreams, in very real locations. For a long time I was having alot of Sandland dreams, but in the last week or so it's all been Borah, the Hillside house, the cabin, backyards of so many people so long ago... and it's all very... romantic.
And video game related?

It's getting depressing I guess.
Haven't heard hide nor hair of Joe or my things. I'm just going to go up to Emmett soon if he is really just going to be a theif.

I wish I could convince my body to be normal for like ONE WEEK, ohmuhgeeze. XD

Coley is staying with us I guess. She's a cute dog, but way more trouble than she's worth. It's obvious that she'd had no training, and to top it off she's overwheight so he "love glomps" turn into pancake pounds. She's still fun to hug though. NOT GUNNA LIE, BRUH.


:: 2011 27 July :: 4.44 pm
:: Mood: enthralled

Dig dig dug.
Today has just been lovely.

I've been having really romantic dreams lately, other than that nightmare/horror adventure one on Monday, it's been pretty funny. How do you be in love with someone who never talks to you? You create a world where they are different than they really are. Girls are so unrealistic, and stupid.
Dumb girls, that's why I hate them.

5 more pounds and I'll hit my first goal. I'm not so much excited as exhausted.

Joe un-friended me, after telling me that he intended to come bring me my things... but he never did. How infuriating, stop telling me you're going to do something if you're not going to. Why the hell does he need a shiney sequiny dress? More cross-dressing? Are you with Violet now? Bffs forever?


:: 2011 23 July :: 2.58 pm
:: Mood: sick as fuck

I am... so hung over. On a scale of one to ten I am dead. I don't understand why I did that, the drunker I got the more I thought about Joe.



:: 2011 19 July :: 5.06 pm
:: Mood: cranky

Bull shit.
I am debating if I want to keep seeing my shrink, I am tired of him. He never talks to me, all he ever does is have me sit quietly in his office and take written tests. He gave me a HUGE workbook for homework this week, I am fucking tired of it.

He just pawns me off on papers and checks his bank statements. For the entire hour. WHAT AM I PAYING FOR?! Fuck, I am so angry right now.

Not to mention, Joe's just told me he's HAD MY THINGS IN HIS CAR, just hasn't given them to me. Um, excuse me, give me my things Jon- I MEAN JOE. God-damnit. I just want to finish all of this so that when he goes back to never talking to me I can do it without worrying that I'll never get my things back, again.

Nothing good has happened today. I hope that tonight is better.


:: 2011 10 July :: 2.41 pm

Everything is so fuzzyy lately. These meds are so disorienting... I don't like it at all, I can't understand even the simplest things half the time. I feel sick.


:: 2011 7 July :: 1.19 pm
:: Mood: enthralled

Went to the ER last night after collapsing halfway home yesterday. My spine is fucked up, but oh oh oh the meds they gave me are sublime.

The happy pills my shrink got me are sublime too.

Everything is sublime.



:: 2011 1 July :: 2.47 pm
:: Mood: crushed

Feist of the heart.
Wednesday night, my mother and I went to Lauri's house. We sat while she cried, sobbed, threatened to hurt herself, did in fact hurt herelf, and begged us not to take her.

Her boss had set up a detox session for her earlier in the day, she had to be checked in by midnight or her work wouldn't cover it. By 1030 we couldn't give her anymore time. As a team effort we dragged her into the car, mom running to start it and me swatting her hands away from the doors and windows.

Together we all drove to Intermountain, and she screamed at us, saying she would jump out of the car. I yelled at her, my breaking point having been shattered three months ago. She said if we could get her there alive she would stay for the whole treatment, and then hit my mother with the seatbelt while reaching for the door lock. I caught her by the shoulders and pulled her into a locked position from behind the seat.

Upon arrival we got her into the building, to be told that she couldn't be admitted until she was sober. She was blowing 2.somthings at that point. Explaining the situation they sent us to the ER where she was told to sit until she could blow sober. Hours and hours later that happened, she was exhausted, like all of us. We finally got her into the detox center, and mother cried outside the building for another hour. Her guilt plowing into her, both for being the one that BOUGHT Lauri beer three times a day and for being the person who had to take her into the clinic.

She'd forgotten I was there.

Eventually we got home, and grandma assigned me the job of cleaning Lauri's house from top to bottom so that when she is let out on Monday it will be comfortable.

I finally got to sleep at 5 this morning.
Then I woke up early today so I could come to the library, walking. My bike tires had exploded on Tuesday.

This week sucks.


:: 2011 16 June :: 5.52 pm
:: Mood: drained

I cried in the shower for hours, long after the water had run cold. I cried myself to sleep, and woke up to a phone call.

My aunt spoke to me in the drunken stupor for 3 hours calling me a worthless cunt, and I sat there and cried because family is supposed to be important. Family is there for eachother, so I was there for her and I let her tell me the things I couldn't admit to myself.

I am a worthless cunt. Good day.


:: 2011 14 June :: 4.28 pm
:: Mood: drunk

Closed case; reopened.
He says he loves me!


:: 2011 11 June :: 2.48 pm
:: Mood: cranky

I thought what was happening was strep, but I'm starting to think that I have gotten the flu instead. Either way, my willpower to be in the library is solid fucking steel. Who says I can't handle pressure?

I haven no idea. I am so freaking drugged up right now.
(about an hour later)

I can't do this. I am about to pass out. I was hoping to be able to connect to people for like 2 hours but no-one worthwhile is online and I feel like shit. I'm supposed to be going to Kelsey's birthday party tonight but I can't imagine being able to. I have the chills, the body aches, the nose that is an endless faustet... my throat is killing me and my ear infection isn't getting dented.

I just want a damn hug, but I can't even get that.


:: 2011 10 June :: 4.23 pm
:: Mood: exanimate

Truth time.
I work my ass off everyday to make sure that my opinions and feelings about the world and its people stay how I want them. I am never still or bored because in the end I know what I want and even if it takes 20 lifetimes I won't give up.


:: 2011 8 June :: 3.29 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

An uncommon dream.
Usually I wouldn't mention this sort of thing in a public journal, but it was such a surreal experience that I couldn't help myself.

Last night I dreamed all night about the same thing. I was out in a moutain cabin, but the kind that you find around Idaho, not really lush or green and full of light dust and trees that are almost beached to the whiteness of salt.

Many people were there, but the ones that are still vivid in my head are Kelsey and Jon.
Mmmhmn, this is a Jon dream folks.

All through the dream Jon was mad at me and I was working my hardest to get him to forgive me, to kiss me, to tell me I haddn't messed up everything. When I thought about WHAT it was he was mad at me for it was all the things that JOE has used to define why he won't come back to me. The entire dream he would hug me and tell me we'd work it out but at the same time he would look at me with the same cold hatedred that I feel from Joe whenever I talk to him.

All throught the dream not much happened, it was a very realistic day in the life sort of line of events. People visited and talked, I played videogames and it was all the sort of thing that people wake up from and wonder why they are in a bed.

Through the dream I knew that Jon and Kelsey were together slightly in secret but in a public way. I hated it, and eventually I confronted Jon about it, I asked him if there was anything I could do to make him come back to me. He said no, and told me to get out, I wasn't allowed to live in his house anymore. As I packed things up sobbing it HIT ME.


This couldn't be Jon I was talking to. Jon is in jail right now, two counts of burglery. That was the second that I took control of the dream and I realized that it WAS a dream that it couldn't be happening

You see, for the past week or so Jon has been trying to set up a video conference with me through the Ada Jail, and I keep looking over it and being very displeased. I can't say that I didn't expect it, he is very easy to manipulate and his wife is pustule on the dick of society. I knew from the moment that he moved in with her that it would end up like this. I am however, very angry at him because I cannot fathom how someone could be so STUPID to get involved in that AGAIN. He hates Jail, he goes and does anything possible to get back out, so it is so pathetic that he would put himself into the situation again.

Back to the dream though, as I figured out that I was facing down with a fake Jon I moved to pack my things more quickly, I just wanted to leave the house and figure out what the left step would be. He followed me out the door and looked down at me, opening his mouth to tell me something. I didn't hear what it was he said, but I remember thinking "If this is not Jon, then who else would hurt me like this?"

I woke up after that, my throat screaming with pain. I have strep.


:: 2011 7 June :: 4.59 pm
:: Mood: confused

Yesterday was very horrible. I almost broke down and texted Joe.
I'm pretty angry at myself.


:: 2011 5 June :: 2.11 pm
:: Mood: anxious

When the cabbit's away the rats will play.
Hmn, that's akward. Dear miss Annon, you recorded your IP address when you commented on all those posts. Really awesome plan there, since it gives away who you are since when you facebook harassed me about this same issue your IP was also recorded there.
Just make an account if you want a flame war, it's so much more orginized that way. We can use pretty icons and me bestie bitches!

PS: Not using punctuation and capitals sort of didn't help you here, since that gives away a way overthought comment.


Yesterday I was in WAY too much pain to long on, so I just slept most of the day. Woke up to a flat tire on the bike today. Mmm smell that omen right there? I do.

At some point in the night I got a wild hare up my ass and cleaned the bathroom. Scrubbed the tobbacco stained walls, unclogged the tub, used heavy duty kills babies style cleaning products. Booyah or something.

I'm sort of bored now, I just came to the library to get out of the house... if I could make it to Anne Morrison I would rather be there. I guess I can sunbathe when I get home... Hmf.

I wonder if I should delete those comments now? I'll think about it.


:: 2011 3 June :: 2.32 pm
:: Mood: crushed

Seeing the thing in my nightmares most nights commenting on his things rips me apart. I can't even justify my hate anymore. I wish I could just run off and not have to live anymore.

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:: 2011 1 June :: 4.21 pm
:: Mood: chipper

So, I was SUPPOSED to be going to a new counciler today but I canceled yesterday because they were not co-operating with my insurence company. They were telling me to bring 170$ up front with me today. Fuuuuck that.
I'm starting to think that I have the lame duck of insurence companies. Everyone I go to is trying to dodge them! What, is it like my insurence is run by the mafia? Haha, doubtful since if it was I would likely get more respect!

Ben keeps asking me to come over to his place, and I finally broke down and said I would stop in tomarrow at some point. It's not that I don't WANT to go over there and watch him play LA Noir, it's just a hassle to get there. Plus it's by my old house and that makes me sort of depressed. I have been thinking about the Lancaster house so much lately, I have all kinds of day dreams where Joe and I live there together and the basement is always bustling with the Boy Squad gaming and being dorks. I wish there was some way to get it back, I would live there alone if I had to, if it meant finally being "home".
Though I wouldn't have to. XD Kelsey would flip shit to live there with me, and I'm sure Wes would love to come for an exchange summer at BSU. Hell, I'd fly Pheonix down and have a grand old party~! I KNOW Ren would get in on it too. Silly guy.

Living at the Lancaster place would mean never having to be alone, I believe. That would be heaven...

There are holes in my fucking mouth and my gum keeps just diving into one or the other and it is so deep in that I have a hard time getting them out. x_x I wish they would close up. It gives me a new found respect for why Joe doesn't know if he would get his sharks removed if he had the money.

I'm trying to get a shiny Mareep in Pokemon, I don't understand chaining. x_x I want to do a hunt for Bunearies, but I don't have a game where I can catch them. ; ;

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