NUTSINESS.
this weekend at all-state was great. the music was wonderful, but the best part was being a dork with all the cool people i "roll with, yo." ok, so that joke is worn out, but i'll bring it back. along with gnawing on kneecaps and stuff. but anyway, i love people, and they're hilarious, and it was awesome to hang out with them and get to know them because they're all so GREAT. i love to laugh, and i needed it.

on another note, i was thinking of something random today. i realized that i have always wanted things i can never have. i have always liked the unreachable guy since forever, always wanted the unreachable feeling. why is that? when a great thing was in front of me, i didn't want it. i still don't want it. i still want that unreachable thing, the thing on the top shelf in a room where there are no chairs. and when climbing the shelf is simply not an option.

and while we're on that shelf analogy, i've been putting god on the shelf. it's bad and i'm tired of doing that, tired of squeezing him in where there's extra space. how come life is like that? when the most important thing on my list is just a compromise and everything else dictates not only my schedule but who i am? of course, who i am in the most shallow sense.

god, give me your desires.

THE ONE WHO ANSWERS PRAYERS.
so i did enjoy valentine's day, despite the fact that there was no rose on my desk, or a love letter, or balloons resting on my parking spot. but the funny thing was, it was okay. i realized, mid-V-day, that god is an awesome lover. he sends me sunsets and flowers, he sends me the moon. he sends me himself. he knows everything about me, everything, and he loves me... totally, and completely.

lately i have been asking god to reveal himself, to be CLEAR. yesterday he did something so INSANE that it blew me away.

so my mom doesn't want me to go to kenya, she doesn't think it's safe, just like last year, and etcetera etcetera. and i was just coming to grips with that, despite my constant melancholy anyway...

when yesterday at panera, meredith (one of our youth leaders) came up to me and said, "autumn, i just wanted to tell you something. i had a dream that you and i were in kenya together."

to somebody else, that could be just a little thing to laugh about, or a little thing in any sense. but it was so remarkably CLEAR to me. my mind froze. completely. that was from god! and then i was listening to my all-state music in the car, and one of the songs is called "go where i send thee." i told god about eighty times that he was crazy. and for the past forty-eight hours i have been incredulously telling god that he needs to show me that this is real, that it will work.

the first deposit is due this weekend and my mom has still managed to blow off the subject. i'll bring it up and she says it's dangerous, i explain how kenyan violence is between kenyan tribes and not against americans, and deep down to me, it doesn't matter to me if i get killed or whatever. but i'm so afraid to tell her that, because i know she'll freak and be overprotective. i know she is being a loving mother, but sometimes i have this intense longing to escape from it all.

last night our small group talked about dating and such. it was awesome because god taught me more about the one i want to be with - that i should pray for the qualities that will balance with me, that god will show me why certain people don't fit with me, to pray for that man always. it's a crazy thing.

but anyway, god is so nuts, and i've been telling him that 24/7 lately. we are definitely becoming closer, though, through this insanity.

katie lanni gave me the sweetest letter today with a picture of us from the formal last year. she is so beautiful in every way - not because she made me feel good with this letter, but just because she IS. she's so sweet, always has a good attitude, is so great to be around because you feel like you are at home with her. she's so cute and great and funny, and i feel like i have known her forever.

god is amazing. amazingamazingAMAZING!

this music makes me pensive and wistful...

love, aut [not a command].

NO PLACE TO EVEN START...
this week has been pure insanity, and it has been the best and worst weekend of my life.

everything has been colliding - corley's grandmother is on her last limbs, and i want to be there for her always, and i want her to cry all over me, because i know that she needs it, and she needs jesus, and she needs us, and...

my last entry, i was pretty messed up. tonight on the way back from church i cried my eyes out and took about four detours to take the longest route home just so i could bawl and talk to god. this talk was definitely good, even though i was mostly jabbering and reiterating and making god look like a stupid idiot. but anyway, things are going so much better between me and him. i am reading my bible more and god is placing people all around me to help. i will run into people at places, people i know who will sit down with me at panera (tiffany) and ask me how i am with god, and have a deep, honest-to-god five minute conversation that is devoid of ANYTHING shallow.

i just... feel like an idiot. i feel like i screwed things up between me and someone, i feel like i handled it all wrong, and i feel plain stupid. i feel like i should've kept any thoughts in because i knew they would be repeated. with the person who is repeating things... i want to let him know i trust him, but i need to know that i CAN first.

i always felt like things had to be going great for me and god to be close. but this weekend made me realize that all this bad crap is making things between me and god so much better. i am progressively relying more and more on him instead of me. my friends have been holding my hand throughout everything, always praying for me and talking to me and understanding me wholeheartedly.

everything has just been coinciding and stressing me out. corley's grandma, jessie coming to town, my future and college, relationships with certain people, things with my parents, missing my brother, NEEDING to talk to people but being afraid, and all the while, god is saying, "obey me! don't make decisions based on time. be patient, wait for me!" that is so hard for me because i want so badly to be in control, i want the security of knowing.

my friends. they never cease to amaze (and amuse) me. i have been able to talk to all of them personally this weekend. they love me so much, and i realize that completely, even though we all have our moments. but, more than anything, i know we are sisters, and i'm sure of it. i know we will never leave each other, we will always be there. they are incredible and beautiful young women in the lord, in everything.

on another note, i am content with the fact that i know god has reserved a place for jeffrey. i have always wondered if people lacking the understanding of god made it to god's kingdom, but don said how babies and people lacking that mental capacity are up there with jesus. that makes me so overjoyed.

so this week will be crazy, but i know jesus and i are getting closer. he is so amazing. he sets me straight.

"be my guide."

aut.

"NOTHING IS RIGHT."
just having one of those depressed days again, who knows why.

i feel out of place. today in the car i told god, "nothing is right, everything is all wrong, and i'm screwed up."

i don't know exactly why.

this is where it goes to show that the facade, the outside success, means nothing to my relationship with god. sure, i made all-state chorus. a great guy likes me. people (for the most part) find me respectful and godly. i make almost all a's. i got a 102 on my math test. my teacher thinks i'm a good writer.

but it's nothing.

none of it.

the world can never satisfy me, or anyone else, and god is certainly making that clear. i just feel like i'm in limbo, in between groups, but never part of them. i feel alone? i feel alone, i guess. i feel like a struggling christian in my family, i feel like i haven't helped in leading anybody to the lord, i am selfish and lazy and i should try but i'm sick of trying. i'm so tired. i want something extraordinary to happen, i want to do something extraordinary for god, i want so DESPERATELY to break out of this routine. it's killing me. i want to be right with god, i want to DO something wtih my life!

lately, the smallest things have been staying on my mind and bringing me down. yesterday was a decent day, but when i went prom dress shopping with my mom, i went nuts. once again, none of the dresses fit, and everything always fits my mom, and i let satan get to me and tell me that i'm not beautiful, that, "autumn, you are the outcast. you always will be the girl who can't fit into dresses, you will always be the girl who has to wait and be patient, you will always be the girl to get the short end of the straw, you will always be the one to be left out of everything - you're not in core, you're not running, you won't get invited to mack and meredith's wedding because you aren't in core, you will always be putting up a facade, you will always be on the bench, you'll ALWAYS be the one..."

and i believed it.

i believed it.

i believed it.

why am i so sensitive?

i asked god what was wrong with me. what's wrong with me? why do i feel like this? what's wrong with me?

i wish i could just start over, but at the same time i know that i can start over every morning, every second. i just don't feel that, because i feel like everything is totally screwed up, everything is messed up, irreparable, unfixable. i see a huge wake, a huge mess behind me, and i try to fix it, and i know that only god can, but i feel powerless and stupid and confused and angry and everything bad.

and then, the next second, i'll be fine, and i'll tell everyone i'm fine. but there is someone inside of me, somebody trapped, somebody screaming for an escape. i need HELP. i can't do this on my own. i can't do this on my own. i just wish i fit somewhere. not in the world, not in a worldly sense. but i just wish i fit somewhere, whether it be core or whatever.

and i know that i can never have a "romantic" relationship with somebody (aka dating) unless i deal with this, give it to god. i can never let somebody love me and care for me when i can't accept myself. i don't want somebody to be a substition for me, a person to fill in a hole that i can't seem to fill myself. jesus needs to fill that hole, and nobody else.

but i'm so, so, so, so, so, so tired and sick and exhausted of pushing people away. i wish people would come to me, instead of me trying to come to them and failing every time.

maybe i'm not trying like i say i am.

but i don't know. i know i'll be "fine" the next day. what it boils down to is me and god, and the fact that i really need to spend time with him, more than anything.

i need jesus. always.

THE TRUTH IN THE CLICHE.
i come here with the feeling that writing will express all that i am feeling right now, but simultaneously i almost close the window out of the pure knowledge that it won't. ever feel like everyone knows something you don't? that's how i feel. it's weird. i mean, i'm not depressed at the moment, i guess just wistful, confused, whatever. it is hard to put thoughts and feelings into words when you don't even know what you yourself are thinking and feeling.

it's another cycle where, in the end, it doesn't matter that it is a cycle because you keep coming back to the same place anyway and there's no use paying any more thought to it. i just wish i could break it and start over.

i don't know, it's hard to say anything because i'm just tired. i'm doing better because lately i've been better at expressing how i'm feeling. well, a little. there are two main things. one is, i can't seem to do anything right, according to everybody, and two is, if i want to convey i feeling, i can't just say it. i have to be extremely obnoxious about it for anybody to understand anything at all. why does it have to be that way? it's driving me absolutely CRAZY. people are just... i don't know. i mean, these are the people i love, and i know god is teaching me a lot through this process, but i'm just... tired. i basically want to go outside, scream my eyes out, and fall asleep and forget anything that ever happened in my life.

so aside from the fact that that sounded very depressing, god is working, and he always is, and always will be. it's difficult when your parents think you're a freak for loving god and actually risking something for it, but it's great when you have people there who will help you. i just hope i'm not distancing myself from them. i know i have lately because i just feel set apart, and i don't know why. i think part of it was when a little something happened and i expected an apology, and it didn't come, so it wasn't brought up again.

but anyway. i just want to through something and watch it break. besides that, i'm fine, and god is compelling me to write more, and be more positive, and such. i'm just tired, i guess.

for now...

aut.

HMM...
today was...

a good day.

THE SAME OLD... POO.
once again, i pressed a wrong key and woohu woohu'ed my face off by deleting my entry, but at least it wasn't too long.

but anyway... as a disclaimer, in this politically correct world where i choose to be politically incorrect, i know i'm repetitive, i know i am possibly annoying for the sake of repetition, but this is a journal, and if you want to whine, just leave. looking at a measely website is a choice, people!

anyway. it's the same old stuff, with this person (whom i will now address as "bob"). i have everything, and satan always manages to tell me that i don't, that i'm not good enough, or whatever. the thing is, i have everything, and i know it. i'm not talking materialistically... and even if i did, it wouldn't matter. i am, of course, talking about god. he's... GOD. so much bigger than my troubles that i can't even fathom it. it's ridiculous and insane. but i always end up telling myself that this is wrong, that is wrong, ... that i myself am wrong. i know it's not true but sometimes my feelings come into play and satan clings to them like who knows what. i have the best friends, i have JESUS, and i have a family that loves me.

but with bob... the situation reminds me that i am invisible. well, not that i am, but that i feel that way. and i would just like to remind the world once again that there is no romance in this. it starts with an f and is called FRIENDSHIP. yeah, friendship with the opposite sex is actually a common thing these days (who would've known). but anyway, sorry for my sarcasm and cynicism. it's just my mood. it's an unfortunate mood but i'm not going to put on the mask, as usual.

i don't know. i feel like every time he says hey, which constitutes the ever-so-popular boy-nod, it seems like "oh, you have managed to make eye contact with me. so i guess i should acknowledge you. [insert nod here]." the thing is, i know he doesn't mean it that way. i know he doesn't hate my guts. i just feel... invisible.

i have basically given up. what is wrong with me? why do i have to be the one to always start the conversation? i'm the female! i'm sick of playing the guy's role and starting all the stinkin' conversations. but at the same time i feel like, if i didn't, nobody would.

it's just me.

trying
trying
trying.

and besides the fact that i know i'm not the only one trying, it certainly feels like it.

oh, cursed feelings.

for once i don't just want to be labeled as something, fit under a category, like the smart girl, or the christian girl, or the nice girl, or whatever. i'm not any of those things. i mean, i'm a christian, sure i'm decently intelligent, and sure i'm friendly. but it's not ME. simple words and names don't define people. if my sole identity were my faith, i would be called "autumn, the christian." but i'm not. i'm a person who loves god, but god also made me into a human with a personality.

anyway, aside from my pedantic spurt there (bump me up some EC, aldridge), it's just... ah. my head says, what is so AWFULLY wrong with me that people can't just come up and talk to me, or just come up and give me a huge hug (aside from the usuals - and i DO appreciate your hugs, and yes, you know who you are).

this is not the prince charming conversation, or the "the one" conversation. it's just my feelings, really. i mean, what suddenly and automatically made me the loser these days?

i want to start over but i know god is going to teach me, and IS teaching me, something remarkable that i don't completely understand yet. for now, i am pitifully, pathetically, and also reluctantly calling out for the world (not the biblical "the world," but people) to love me. i feel like poor meredith grey and her little speech, "pick me." part of me wishes i could have one day where everybody loved me, where i was just a person everyone wanted to talk to and listen to and respect and pay attention to. but another part of me reminds me that this is life, and right now i am being a moron about a lot of things.

i have a lot of questions, but they are selfish and i know god is trying to teach me something. for now, i am being too stubborn.

>>pray for me. ]

WHY DO I EVEN TRY...
seriously?

okay so today started off with a hitch but ended up great with baptism. god just filled me up with joy, not happiness that dwells on the consequences... but joy. it was so awesome seeing people coming into a new life with the lord and professing it proudly and contently.

my life is a rollercoaster. i feel as if, one second, i am happy (the temporary kind), and then, the next, i am depressed about one thing or another. i hate that!

like just now. i put myself in a dumb situation. i said hey to a person and knew the conversation would end up the same... it would go nowhere. and, of course, i predicted correctly. why do i even try when i full well know how things will end up? i have no idea. why do i even try...

and yet, at the same moment, i am sweetly reminded of the seemingly "behind-the-scenes" folks who are always there to make me feel absolutely... wonderful. in fact, they are far from being behind the scenes. they are the foreground of the play.