2006 2 January :: 10.51 pm
"MEMOIRS OF A HUMAN: THESE EYES"
here it is, for the most part unedited. let it make you think. let it make you believe.
Behind these blue eyes (with a faint breath of yellow in the middle) there lie multiple memories and visions, now fading as time wears away my sight, my skin, and now my mind (though it will never wear away my heart, even after it ceases to beat). I see the pure, smiling face of my Down Syndrome brother on my bedpost for the two weeks he is in California for heart surgery. I see my older brother hitting a grand slam … and crying at his last game, crying rare tears that I can only count on one hand. Seconds later his life is in a big green Tupperware box, heading off to college. Meanwhile, I see myself huddled against my bedroom door, wondering if I’ll ever be happy. Soon I am on my knees before God for the first time as I greet Him into my life.
I see my daddy packing as my mom tells him to leave the house… and I hear him tell me over and over again that his love for me will never change.
And it never does.
I see myself becoming sisters with ten of the most wonderful and beautiful girls I will ever meet in my eighty-plus years. I see myself happy and I wonder if I’ll ever be sad.
I look upon my own tears and heaving shoulders as I write this, so many years ago.
The time comes when I am sitting in front of a cursed mirror, feeling ugly for lack of a boyfriend, and I ask myself, “Am I living?”
And then I see myself praying every day for a man God wants me to be with. Not long after, I see myself standing with that man as ten beautiful women sit in rows of pews at my wedding, smiling and crying… and then they are huddled around me, with my first child.
I see my parents being laid in the ground, and I see sadness, I see pain.
But I see joy.
Despite my visions of laying lilacs on cold headstones, I see joy and life.
All of this, in an instant before I lay my head softly upon a haloed pillow, my eyes unwillingly closing without a fight for another day. They are still blue with a ring of yellow and have not lost their reflection of life…
For in a moment, they will see Jesus.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2006 2 January :: 9.46 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: same as earlier
UNEDITED, UNCUT. FOR NOW.Train Lullaby/ Wooden Train Whistle
so before i am typing into this box, the computer asks me, "content?" and i ask, i don't know, am i content?
it was then i realized that the word "content" was referring to the information i should write in this blank space.
but anyway, here are the poems i have so far, the new ones, which are quite unedited, as is painfully obvious. but read on, if you wish.
As my light head fades to the pillow,
my eyelids hesitate,
for I hear in the distance, in the dark of night,
the nocturnal train that tries to slip to its destination
as children sleep beneath down comforters
and patched quilts.
The syncopated thunder of the cold metal wheels against the tracks
lulls me close to sleep,
and sleep lulls me back in time to age five
when I blew into my brother’s muffled wooden train whistle
and heard the locomotive breathe.
Now it lets its air out softly, sinking into the distance
like a grandmother blowing sweet kisses to me,
gently tangling her worn fingers in my wisps of curlicued hair,
as I fall into sleep…
Beautiful Horse (not sure if this is final title)
will you carry my burdens?
Will you take them upon your bare, saddleless back
and let them drift away with the leaves, seeds, and wind
as you soar through valleys and fields?
Will you comfort me with the suede of your hide,
let me abandon life as I
drape myself across your mane?
And let me sit atop your back,
my arms outstretched,
trying to catch rain as we sweep through hills
like the floating silence of a black-and-white movie.
I see in your cheeks a slight rose
that unfolds and bursts,
radiating as soft light from your eyes.
May it bloom and devour me,
as a young girl
who numbingly presses a flower to her face
and is welcomed by a million little seeds
that cling to her freckles,
and dancing when the wind breezes by.
i have a lot of work to do but this is it so far. comments and suggestions are welcome.
i also saw king kong today. AWESOME movie. it sucks you in like mad.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2006 2 January :: 1.36 pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: sugarland = just might (make me believe)
I GUESS I'M SELF-PREDICTABLE.
yeah so i woke up this morning and felt like i was overly-dramatic about the former issue. knew it would happen. but hey, that's me for you.
last night was a weird night, in a good way. i picked up an old journal from middle school and it was SO weird because i was going through some of the same things. the person i want to be friends with again, i was having the same issue 3 years ago - with the same person. it's insane how i've changed, but some of my problems haven't.
it was the weirdest thing.
and then i got to writing. that was pretty nuts too. i got started on like... three poems. one of them really got to me and okay, i'll admit it, i definitely cried. i'm writing this thing called "these eyes," and in it i am an old woman about to go to bed, and in an instant i see a lot of events in my life... it was really emotional for me to write. it goes by this format where most of the lines say "i see [blank]," and in the end i am closing my eyes, about to die in my sleep, and it says how I will see Jesus. ah it was just crazy... another one is about a train, it sounds dorky but i like it because, on most of the nights i am up really late, i always hear one go by. i don't know, once again i'll post them later. i want to do some prose but prose is difficult because i don't know where to start and stop with a formidable purpose. oh well, i'll figure it out later.
ha, i've said that too many times, because today is... MONDAY! the day before school! i think the word "later" has become awfully trite.
anyway, i have to get things done...
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2006 1 January :: 4.41 pm
wow god, i'm sorry for always complaining and feeling like i have it bad, and sometimes things stink, and sometimes i should say something. i know i should, but i have to handle things better, and i want you to help because without you, i am hopeless and dead. and pretty much stupid, too. you are awesome, and you give and take away, but i don't want to fail the test when you take things away. you are awesome and so much bigger than my problems, and when i see myself with you in eternity everything is so small. it is microscopic, miniscule, and pretty muc invisible. you are big, and huge, and i'm small, and i'm here to glorify you. help me to speak when you would and keep quiet and listen when you would. help me to surrender daily and remind me to always talk to you. you teach me something in everything, every trial and every moment of good, EVER. you are awesome because of that. help me to let go and to forgive, because you are forgiving and loving, but you are also blunt and honest. i love you and i want to be like you. let everything go grey in the background against you. you are the one thing i will always have, to be sure and certain. my pain is nothing compared to what you went through for god foremost, and for me second. i love you! you are awesome, and you deserve everything that is good.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2006 1 January :: 4.39 pm
:: Mood: better
:: Music: we will sing forever to you god...
REALIZATION. LOVE 'EM.
now that i realize it, i guess this is one of those times where you decide to praise god amidst your pain instead of complaining. i think i need to remember that more often. i think that is in james.
this is a big thing for me because, right as i am about to walk away from the compy, i remember it, and i have to sit back down and type it, because it is so ridiculously important.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2006 1 January :: 3.02 pm
:: Music: thrice = red sky
HAPPY FREAKIN' NEW YEAR.
so i'm selfish, and i know it. i feel like i can't be mad, but at the same time, i have a reason to.
yeah, so i'm a wimp for not talking to specific people about things, so if they're reading this, maybe they'll get something. or maybe, like usual, they won't. ha, what's new. so i'm sick of being walked all over, i'm sick of people asking me for favors and then forgetting me afterward. use me for what i'm good for. but don't return anything back. don't even bother.
i know god will bless me for being nice to people, but i'm sick of people using me. i think i am allowed to be mad about that. maybe i don't deal with it in the best ways - i know i should confront people. but i feel like nothing will ever change. and i feel like the only reason people would change is because they feel bad for me. i don't want people doing things for me out of pity. i want people to do things because they love me! what kind of friendship is this? it's a load of crap if you ask me. it's like, people call me for whatever they need, but when something as simple as hanging out or a birthday party is, they go for the "better" thing that arises last minute. it's like, so i will do things for you because i care, but when something simple comes around, you can't even do it? and then people say sorry, and do it a million times more.
it's a ridiculous cycle.
i'm sick of being the loser who is always used and abused. i'm sick of taking people's crap (would use a different word, but would also like to maintain my morals and sanity in this process), i'm sick of taking the brunt of the bruises, i'm sick of carrying people's burdens. i wish they would carry their own! god says to carry eachother's burdens, but what if only a couple of people are? they collapse under it. god says to play second fiddle. well how come i'm the only one doing it? there comes a time when you need to flip over the table at the coin exchange.
maybe i am being overly dramatic and am making a huge deal about this, but maybe i am not. i am human! i just want people to SHOW they care instead of SAYING they care.
and i'm sick of being told that "autumn, you're going to have a great guy one day." why do i have to wait for EVERYTHING? i have to wait for friends, family, guys, everything. i'm going to be freaking 40 before a guy finally loves me for real. i'm going to be toni collette in "in her shoes." i'm going to die with no kids. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME????????????? i am probably saying this just for the sake of catharsis, or maybe just for a laugh. who knows, but it feels good to yell and consider the worst option.
so, for anybody who cares, HERE IT IS. i'm sick of being not pretty enough, i'm sick of being not popular enough, i'm sick of being not good enough. why am i never good enough? i'm sick of being too nice, too smart, too weird, too ANYTHING. i'm sick of being the last resort. and, with all this, i'm sick of people telling me to be myself when, in reality, those same people don't even accept me for being myself. i'm sick of feeling totally selfish for saying all this, yet i'm sick of knowing that, if i didn't say anything, i would ultimately go INSANE. i'm sick of everything being too right, ultimately too wrong, i'm sick of people giving me weird looks, i'm sick of boys thinking i like them when i don't have crushes on ANYBODY, i'm sick of having to make an effort when i am the only one, i'm sick of being the one who gets nothing, meanwhile the one who does all the work and tries the hardest. i'm sick of feeling like i'm sounding selfish, but at the same time, i'm sick of feeling like anything i say at all is selfish, when meanwhile i am the "nice" one who is used, who will never have a good guy until 80 years.
i'm sick of waking up the next morning feeling like a complete idiot for saying all this, knowing somebody will start some drama and get defensive, when meanwhile they know what they have done and just won't admit it because their lives are "so much worse." i wish someone would just care except my mother! i wish i could tell people face to face how i feel without being a wimp about it. i wish i wasn't the lame one, the loser, in the background.
why can't people change? i know i have screwed up COUNTLESS times, but i feel like i am always trying to make people feel loved because i love them, i try hard to not offend people or hurt feelings, i stick to my promises. but i am always the one blamed in the end.
i know god says not to hang on to worldly acceptance, but i feel like i am not asking for the world's acceptance. i am asking for the acceptance of people who love me, or at least say they do.
i want to be nice so much right now. this is all completely against my character and my desire to be all nice and not say anything. but i have had enough! i am human, and i die without love, i die without care.
if there is anything i want ANYONE to take out of this, it is something i heard that i will never forget: that love is NOT defined as extreme affection toward someone, or passion, or desire, or emotional attachment. love is defined as caring for someone. take the supreme example and definition of love that is jesus. he was not extremely affectionate toward us, nor was he simply passionate, nor did he simply desire us. he showed he loved by caring for us. when we say we want love, we are saying that we want someone to care for us. you cannot love without caring for someone. caring requires feeling and action. both. and, without love, we are no longer human - we are dead. jesus cared for us because he did not want us to spend eternity without him. that is why he died. he loved us.
i wish people knew what love was.
i know i will regret this all tomorrow morning, or when a day comes that things are going pretty well. i will look back and say i'm selfish, and i am, because i'm human, and just because i'm autumn. but all i want is love. i want somebody to say sorry for once. i want people to change because they love me, not because of obligation. i know i am asking for a lot, maybe too much. but when you look at it, is it hard to love somebody who loves you back? is it hard to do something simple for someone when they have done a lot for you?
i know i should never expect things in return when i do something, but it has just happened so many times. miranda was right. if i carry too many burdens, i will explode, and satan loves seeing me in pain. i NEED to give these things to god, and it's hard because i just want to mope and be mad about it, but i can't hang on to it forever. i have to let go.
but things NEED to change, and they won't unless i say something. i can't stay quiet all the time. i can't.
so when i feel like deleting this entry, i won't. even if it was stupid to say all this, i'll know that i might as well let everyone see me in my vulnerability. if this was all a mistake, well, i'll say it, I'M NOT PERFECT, and let this testify to that. and, once again, for all you people who say i'm perfect, read this and you'll know i'm not. read this and you'll also discover that you're not perfect, that sometimes what you do DOES hurt people, and they DO notice. believe me, i notice.
and i know some people (i can even name a few) who might right this are screaming out, just like me. and for anyone in between, pray for me. i NEED to give this to god! and maybe for the people i might have hurt, i am sorry because i love you. i never want to hurt people. i just want people to see, and sometimes i have to pound it into people's heads so that they can. i want to be nice and unoffensive about it, but people don't always learn that way. i'm sorry for that. this is not directed toward everybody. i know i have probably walked on people before, but i feel like i have been nice for too long. no matter what, i try so hard not to walk on people because i know how it feels. for the MOST part, i know my big flaws.
know that i am saying all these insane things out of love. if i hated everybody, i would go out and say it. and, in actuality, i don't hate anybody. i believe hate is a really thick word that is thrown around without care. sure, i hate broccoli, but when hate is directed toward people... it's a big deal. you can love somebody and not like them (at certain moments). i think that's feasible. but i do not hate anybody, nor will i ever, except for satan, who is out to "steal, kill, and destroy" (thanks mark). i know i should be more logical, more practical, more rational about this, i know i am being a bit over-the-top and crazy. i'm sorry for that. i just feel like sometimes, people don't learn that way, and sometimes, i need to be a bit less vague. the thing is, i know jesus loves me and cares about me, and i know i am worth something to him. i just get upset when people don't treat me that way, and i know people do not always act as jesus would (take me, for instance, lol), but it just feels poopy.
i hope i have clarified everything. meanwhile, i need to grow up and confront. if you have any questions, ask. hopefully i will be as honest as possible. bash me, praise me, it doesn't matter, the situation doesn't change. hopefully this will get somewhere. i will update if it does.
on a better note, i saw chronicles of narnia (if i were one of you reading this, i would laugh at the sudden change. i am actually smiling just writing this). it was awesome and i was reminded of lewis' awesome symbolism. there are so many obvious parallelisms to jesus, i just thought... if people aren't seeing this, then WOW. the lion, aslan (spelling?), represents jesus. edmund, who betrayed his siblings and their narnia-friends, was sentenced to death, but instead, aslan compromised his life and died instead (symbolic of jesus' death for our sins). he came back to life (jesus' resurrection), and at the time he was coming back to life, the big stone temple-looking-thingy split, much like the curtain of the temple that ripped and the earthquake that occurred at jesus' resurrection. the lion even said "it is finished," which were jesus' exact words (john 19:30). aslan has a prophecy that the daughters of eve and sons of adam will rise, like jesus said god will rise. and peter, the eldest sibling, is known for receiving the sword, his gift, much like biblical peter being known for his sword (jesus told him to put away his sword, which i remember from the song lyrics: "i can see peter / puttin' away his sword").
but the movie itself was also spectacular. the graphics, the characters, everything. makes me want to go back to third grade and read the book again.
as for now, poetry portfolio, and such. ahhh crazy day!
i guess it feels good to vent, and i know venting is a bad way with dealing with your problems when it is the sole way of doing so, but i think something good will come out of this: realizations, and a change, and giving my problems to god more often. i have this jar next to my bed, and i write burdens and worries and stuff on little pieces of paper and put it in a jar. i pray over it and sometimes it helps because i know god is bigger than this. it is amazing realizing that this thing, seemingly a big issue to me, is teeny tiny compared to god. i know i should glorify him in it, and i want to. i just have to grow up, and i know that only comes through god...
he is crazy, but it is in a good way.
sorry for being so crazy... =/ i guess it happens to all of us sometimes.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2005 30 December :: 8.11 pm
:: Mood: wistful
:: Music: thrice = anything from vheissu
I HAVE A CANCEROUS CELL IN MY NOSTRIL.
actually i do not, but i do not have anything particularly interesting to write about, so i figured i would insert a gripping title that may attract attention. too bad there is nothing to be attentive to.
so anyway... uh... besides the fictitious cancerous cell in my nostril...
i guess there is one interesting thing i did. last night i had a pretty raging partay at my house with all the girls, and we played kems until FIVE IN THE MORNING. hoooollllyyyyyy cancerous NOSTRIL!! i mean... wow. kems, aka signs or whatever you wanna call it, is when there are about 3-4 teams with two partners on each team. the object is to get four of a kind, and when somebody does, he/she signals to his/her partner DISCRETELY, key word here people. then the partner says KEMS and voila, a point arrives on said paper. boom boom. so anyway i don't know what the purpose of telling you how to play was, because it's hard to describe... kind of.
wow i wasted an entire paragraph. anyway, it was fun, and i'm sure you care and look forward to reading my pitiful online journal everyday. haha. in the internet era... we have no lives.
this entry was totally pointless, just so everyone knows.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2005 29 December :: 11.50 am
:: Music: k.clarkson = since you've been gone
ODE TO BARNES AND NOBLE.
about my writing frenzy. totally cool, afterward i went to barnes and noble and bought like... 4, 5 poetry books. daaang. it took me an HOUR to decide which ones. i was sitting on the floor with books all around me. and i saw my agp teacher from elementary school. crazy day.
when i get some stuff done i'll put it up. for now.... yeah, whatever.
just to arbitrarily clarify... i have no crushes on anyone whatsoever. and completely not on the anonymous person mentioned in a previous post. the reason i didn't mention his name was because i figured people would jump to assumptions or set things in stone. few things should be set in stone, and these sorts of things are not on of those. if you are confused right now, then don't even worry about it. everyone is fabulous, this was just a clarification. sometimes i can be a little grey or hazy on issues, i just need to clear this one up.
but anyway, i have to vacuum this room...
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2005 27 December :: 11.21 pm
:: Music: eric whitacre = water night
it becomes impersonal for two main reasons:
1) you distance yourself (possibly due to insecurity).
2) people begin to swarm, and you are ultimately judged as one of those people. and so you back away, because you know you will always be a number.
or maybe it is my own insecurity?
or perhaps i have been a number, always, to most, and history repeats itself?
i may never know. and for now, i am, as always, too scared to change the fact. set in stone, i hate the phrase.
i hate my repetition.
and i know this makes no sense. but welcome to my world.
yeah i don't know. life is so insane. i think i saw that so much that it is cliched, but hey, it's true.
how do you start something up with somebody again? i feel as if i am always the only one trying. sometimes i wish a person could start it instead of me starting it. because of that, i find myself giving up completely. then the part of the carousel comes around again where i say, autumn, you can't just give up. if you don't start things, maybe somebody won't ever start it, and it's dead. ??
meanwhile i am content. earlier this would've been another depressing moment. i feel like i can change something though, like god will work it out. and a good friend of mine (terri!) is helping me out, talking to me, giving me good advice, and being blunt. i really want to thank you for that, you really are being a great sister about this, and not letting it be dramatic like certain other people would make it. i love you!!
i don't know. i know some people will come around someday but it's often frustrating when, often... they don't.
i think another thing god told me about the one i'm going to marry is that i'm not going to have to make the first move on it. i want a boy who will do that for me, and who will wait for me. i know god has him for me because i pray about it, if i can, every day. it's so important to me, to have somebody who i'll grow old with. it only furthers my contentment and current mellow-ness. =D
i don't know, with this person, i want to be friends with him again, like it was. but i want it to be in person, and not some mediator-communication thing (don't ask). i want that very much, i want a FRIEND. (and why do guys always assume you have some little crush on them when you just want to be friends? man...) i'm working on it.
give me smiles, not nods... give me hellos, not glances.
let me know i'm here, that you see me, and that you care to acknowledge that.
but i won't change myself for you! as much as i love you...
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2005 27 December :: 10.55 pm
:: Mood: in a frenzy
:: Music: copeland = pin your wings down
adrenapen: (n) the sudden rush of energy to write.
so i had it tonight, and god showed me how important writing is to me. i haven't written in a while, and tonight, at about 10:30 pm as i am in my room preparing for the sweet indulgence that is sleep, i have it. this incredible urge to see things and paint them with a pen. and then i found a poetry book and became further inspired. then i decided i HAD to go online and check out the poetry in eric whitacre songs, along with poetry from the classics.
i have been asking god to reveal himself to me a LOT lately because i am so confused about my future. i was looking through the college book the other day - yeah, the college "bible" with millions of pages. it's so daunting, just looking at the big bulk of a thing it is. whenever somebody asks me about college, my shoulders just fall in a slouch, hopeless, because i have no ideas about it. this is how i know god wants me to trust him - as i look through this eighty-pound book, i feel nothing. i feel no urges. i feel no hunches. i know god just wants me to wait for HIS answer instead of trying to force myself to choose.
it's hard because i always want to be in control. i always want to know - that sweet sense of security.
so anyway, the urge to write. i realized how important writing is to me... tonight it is my food, and i cannot sleep without it. amazing, isn't it? i guess i AM just like all those other crazy writer-peoples who locks herself in a room and shuns all creation. well, maybe that's extreme, but you get the exaggerated point.
the reason i came across this poetry thing was because my english teacher wants me to submit this writing portfolio thing. wow. i don't even know where to start, really. i feel like i need to write a bunch of fresh new stuff that is completely brilliant, but i feel as if my sheen of brilliance is ceased in its... "scintillation." okay, in english, basically i'm saying, i feel like my ability is "fading." i haven't written in a while on my own, and i need to. i need to exercise that muscle really badly.
i have so much to write about, yet the words are... bleh. cloudy dust-rubble is the best way to describe it. i have these fantastic images in my head that won't come out of there. but this one poetry book... the stuff in there is amazing. it's beautiful, it's poignant, and i need it.
currently, my assignment is to look up some poetry and such, to dig and dig until i find some of my old stuff. i also need to know when this dang thing is due! 'cause i need to stop by lumpy's (teacher) room and get my portfolio from last year! AHHH!!!!!! insanity...
so this was a bunch of rambling, basically. i guess i am a crazy writer.
to be continued...
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2005 25 October :: 4.44 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: blindside : shekina
A GOOD/BAD KINDA DAY.
my day was pretty good. basically all of the youth leaders came to fca today, which really made my day because they are my favorite people. got good grades back and all. i don't know. i'm in one of those moods again where i feel like hating everyone and being selfish and being angry and feeling indignant. personally, i want to throw the stupid cat down the stupid stairs because he's being stupid.
GEEZ i'm so frustrated. it would be nice to include details, but unfortunately i wouldn't want to "hurt anyone's feelings" now would i. as usual, whereas nobody else really cares if they screw mine. (see? i'm being bitter)
what kills me is telling people how i feel. if i say something, and i know i should, people will only further distance themselves from me. so what else is new. i'm sick of being a freak.
use me for what i'm good for.
2 hath felt christ's love =D |
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2005 14 October :: 10.40 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: [barlow girls: mirror }}
IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG.
i realized for the first time that one of the reasons i am always dry with god is because i don't indulge in the gifts he's given me. i haven't written a lot lately, and it's taking a toll.
wow, a flood of thought is pounding away at my head...
lately, as usual, i am struggling with who i am, i am struggling with... what i am to other people. what else is new? corley introduced me to a new song today, and it was like, hah, how ironic.
"who are you to tell me that i'm less than what i should be?"
it's so true. i feel like i've been taking in everyone else's thoughts of me and letting it define me. i let judgments walk all over me, i let it, and i'm so sick of it. i'm sick of being the nice girl.
for so long i thought it was bad to be angry. i thought christians weren't angry, that we couldn't be. now i see that god wants me to be expressive. when i'm angry, i should tell him. HE WANTS TO KNOW. because he cares. and he understands. and he was mad plenty of times on this earth, too. he hates it when i keep it in, and i'm sick of keeping it in. it has come to a point where i am exploding, i am trapped inside something and scraping at the sides, clawing a way out. desperate for escape.
being used. getting weird looks. "embarrassing" the very people who have told me constantly that they care.
how about, when you say you care, FREAKING SHOW IT.
i'm sick of the words not backed up by actions. i'm so tired of it. for so long i have been treated less than human. yeah, keep me when you need something and ditch me later. act differently around me when you are with other people. blame everything on me, and oh, most of all, don't expect me to be mad about it.
i want to be loved, and i deserve love. i don't want to put on that mask, that facade of "i'm okay." a lot of the time, no, i'm not okay. but when i say i'm not when you ask me if i am, you don't want to hear what i have to say. why is that?
just be there for me. that's all i'm asking. treat me how i treat you, because i love you and don't quit it for anything.
i'm grasping for something, i want you. but mostly, i want you to listen, and MORE than mostly, i want you to respond. i want to love me back. i don't want to be second-hand, i don't want to be convenient. i'm not a gas station you stop by on the way home. i'm human, and i have feelings. punch me, i bleed. pinch me, i feel. neglect me, i feel. but punch me, pinch me, neglect me, and i still love.
love is a difficult, two-way process. you can't get junk out of it and expect to not put anything in. sometimes i think it's unfair to expect anything from it, but sometimes, when you realize that you need love, you can't help but step across the line.
"you don't have to hide anymore, you don't have to face this on your own."
oh, and p.s. you guys out there say you want a girl with personality, a girl who cares less about material, but when she comes along, do you even see her? no, she's invisible. and you'd prefer her be quiet, because when she speaks up, it's uncomfortable. you hate girls who obsess over material, but she's your material. i want a guy who loves god, who wants to romance one woman and no more, who is genuine, who cares and shows it all the time. is that really so much to ask? i don't want your drama. i don't want your lust. i don't want your beer-belly, paris-hilton-eyeballing, partying, girl-whistling player boy who steps into a puddle and can't go deeper because he's afraid of commitment and all that crap. i guess because i have at least an ounce of intelligence, am not 100 pounds, don't have perfect complexion, don't gossip about other people, and actually think about things, i am completely undesirable. makes tons of sense, guys.
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2005 27 May :: 11.04 pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: rest for the weary + cool hand luke
I WOULD'VE MADE A LIST...
i honestly would've made a list of "i'm sick of..." but i then realized, at that point, that my anti-gravitation concerning god was becoming more relevant.
right now i feel like venting, i'll be honest. i feel like saying how much i hate this or that. and so badly... that i can barely hold myself back from typing up a bunch of whiny statements about my discontentment with myself. unfortunately, it is highly likely that i will end up venting by the end of this entry.
well, i guess here it goes.
i'm sick of being weird, i guess, and the fact that people think i'm weird in return. hey, apples = apples, right? i find myself becoming more and more UNlike how i honestly want to be. and there are always those few people i am around, and i am the way i want to be-- i am myself. no compensation. i realized today (or was it yesterday?) that i will know i'm in love when i am content with who i am around somebody-- when i am my 100% true self (or closest to 100%), when i don't put up any fronts at all, when i don't make myself look like anybody else,... when i am comfortable as myself. even in my more... rough moments, i guess.
yeah, i don't know. and it always comes back to the all-too-infamous self-esteem issue. i hate it. i hate it so much, and i know god despises it because it is satan telling me i'm not pretty enough, that it's the reason why people will be attracted to certain other people-- because their personalities are in a "more attractive package." sometimes i feel like it's my fault for not looking like a supermodel or something-- and while i know what i eat is totally in my control, how i look in other fashions is totally unreliant on me.
and i hate it when people pity me. gosh, i hate it, i hate it so much. and when people leave me out. i can't tell you how much that happens. i don't know why, maybe it's because i'm an introvert. maybe it's because, once again, i am weird, i am embarrassing. who freaking knows anymore. sometimes i find myself on the fringes of "i don't care" because i am so exhausted.
and then somehow i am messed up because i have human emotion, because certain things bother me-- or, rather, they're supposed to bother me. i'm sorry if this is not making any sense, a lot of it isn't really supposed to.
sometimes i just want the world to stop, i want the clocks to stop, i want people to freeze, and i want the situation to freeze, and i want to scream out, "why can't you just love me and not hold back?!" because so much, i want to be released from it all. i want people to say they love me directly instead of saying that teasing me is an indirect way of doing so.
but then god reminds me that, if that were so, i would be god. i would be the sun-- the center of the universe.
and he humbles me, and reminds me that it's not about me. but he reminds me that i can be comfortable around him, that he will always directly say that he loves me. and then he says that life can stink, but he'll help me deal with it. and that i'm beautiful, i'm his. and if that's so, then i'm definitely a gorgeous creature. he tells me i can be selfish, and it's dumb, and i agree.
and yet so many times i find myself holding back from yelling at my faithful god, "why does all the crappy stuff happen to me? why don't i look like this person or that person? why does this person treat me this way? why me, god, why?" i'm just very glad that i've only been tempted by it, and haven't done it. i don't think i will, either, which is a deep comfort to my soul.
i just can't stand the fact that i constantly hurt my faithful god...
2 hath felt christ's love =D |
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2005 22 May :: 1.26 pm
:: Mood: wistful
:: Music: the entire "sisterhood" soundtrack
GOSH. I LOVE MY GIRLS.
so i finished the entire "sisterhood of the traveling pants" in one day. and it made me realized how much i love my girls. and i mean, really, truly, genuinely love them. like-- i want to be there when they are bawling about something, i want to be there to hear about their first kiss, i want to be there to hear about "the one," i want to be there even when they get mad about something, and i want them to understand- more than anything- that i love them no matter what, and i care for them. really, truly. sometimes i get all depressed about it because i feel overzealous about it, like i'm the only one who feels this way. but i know that they have all felt the same at some point. i guess what we all want is simply to be understood. it makes sense. we want people to let down their judgments, just to hear us out.
mark spoke about something that has been on my heart since forever. i don't want to say "witnessing" or "evangelism" because, when people who dont know christ hear those words, they think they are just statistics to christians. if there is one thing i absolutely don't want to convey, it is THAT. when i talk to somebody, i don't want them to think, "oh, well she's trying to get me to go to church" or "she just wants me to be a christian." it's not that. please, please, listen, it's not that at all. it's that god loves you so much, and he's so insanely, madly, ridiculously in love with you, and he wants you so bad, he wants to know you, and he wants you to love him back... he wants so spend eternity with you. he loves you to death-- literally. and without him, none of us have purpose. we're all just... dead soil, melting into the ground. nothing. lifeless. and he hates that, he wants to give us life. he wants to breathe it into us, revive us, take us in his arms, hold us because he loves us, because he can't stand the thought of anything happening to us. we are his precious, precious children.
man, it's so crazy how we (or, rather, i) make it to be so much more. we start condemning people, we start to ignore people, we start to condescend and antagonize. and we forget that it's about loving people. before we say anything about "religion," we need to tell people, honestly, that we care, that we love them. or, even more than that, we need to LOVE them, for real. not because it's some obligation or duty, but because we want to, because we long to because that's how jesus was. and that's what he would want. and people are beautiful, everyone is. it's quite a crazy concept, to love, because here in this world, we're told the opposite.
the world doesn't even know what love is anyway.
but, on another note, god taught me so much today. i have heard jeremy speak a million times, but i always learn more even when he says the same sermon more than once. mark was talking about some of what jeremy said, and it just reminded me even more that i should care for people to such a huge extent that i should block them away from hell. i should stand in front of them and say, "you know, i love you, and i don't want you to go this way. i don't want you to spend an ETERNITY without JESUS because it's torture, it's insanity, and he is madly in love with you. more than anyone else could ever, ever be. i love you, and god loves you infinity times more. and he cares, and he doesn't want you going this way. he wants to hold your hand and turn you around the other way, to go back to him."
god taught me more about my "the one" thoughts as well. he made me realize even more how much he wants me to have a man who is in love with him. and i got a little choked up too, especially when i see betsy and her brother. i couldn't help but think how lucky the lady is who marries john because he is humbly in love with christ, and i totally mean that. he is so sincere, and he is not going to give his heart to just anyone. he has it stored up inside of him, and when the right, god-sent woman comes along, she will get the second chunk of his heart. he's crazy about god, and he's not afraid to say it. he's willing to abandon any sense of "manliness" when he shows his vulnerability toward god. he loves his sister, he loves his mom, and it's amazing to see him abandon his pride for that when he has a conversation with his sister or gives his mom a big squeeze. john was behind me during first service when we sang, and for a split second i imagined it was my brother back there, singing to god. that's all i want my brother to be. somebody who loves god, truly, sincerely, and wholely (wholy?)- not halfly, not partially, but completely. i would kill for him to know the one true god, personally. not distantly. not partially. not on one day of the week, but every day and all the time. i worry about him so much because i know what he has fallen into. imagining him eternally apart from god just makes me want to scream and cry and throw things and hit things and break things. it makes me want to scream at satan and throw things at him, but i figure it wouldn't really affect him anyway. he would enjoy seeing me angry, wasting my time being mad and not doing anything about it. one of the biggest things satan has against us is time. he likes us to waste it.
well, three more half days of school (i guess that would mean 1 and a half days of school? hm.). i'm trying not be sad about all that graduation stuff, but it's hard! i know some people who are graduating who are in love with god, who want to live for him, and who have guided me and taught me a tremendous amount. sighhhh...
and currently i am supposed to be writing a short story for creative writing II. i am really bad at thinking this stuff up, and there are always big issues with what i come up with. in the first place, i don't want it to be like i am shoving god into what i write, but in the second place, our teacher says that we should write about what we can relate to-- and that's what i relate to. i think it's a really good way to show people who god really is, though, because so many people have been hurt by a so-called Religious God, as opposed to the Loving God.
well, i've spent enough time here. here are the main songs you should DEFINITELY listen to from the traveling pants soundtrack:
1. these days- chantal kreviazuk
2. black roses red- alana grace
3. if god made you- five for fighting
4. just for you- william tell
5. closer to you- brandi carlile
6. i want you to know- chantal kreviazuk
7. sun's gonna rise- shannon curfman
to listen to clips:
1. click here.
2. go to "soundtrack."
3. click "launch media player..."
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??
2005 8 May :: 2.54 pm
:: Mood: pondering
:: Music: none that come to mind
MISSING RIGHT NOW...
yeah, i hate to sound melancholy, but it's what's on my mind.
MISSING RIGHT NOW:
_tim, ashley, and the girls
_the old bible study
_crabtree's house on fridays
_my big frog group last year
_df baseball, '02 and '03
_creative writing I
_when i ran and was thinner
_size 7 jeans
_alumni i don't see often- stacey p, faith a, bryan g
_not having writer's block
_home baseball games at night
_running the mile at night at meets
_less evangelistic-spoken-of days
_jeffrey in his pre-moodal days
_mr.marshall's class with faile
_mrs. jackson's class
_my soprano voice before The Voice Change (though alto parts are very rich and soulful)
_my hometown before they started to dig it up (i do love target, though)
_AGP in elementary school- wordup mrs. p!
i guess that's it for now. thinking back on tha memories...
(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??