sigh...
it's been a rough past couple of days. I really don't know why shit like this always happens to me around my birthday .. it's starting to become a tradition that the week of my birthday be filled with drama and tears... so tough.

I'm done. i'm done with guys and getting attached too quickly. I'm done with empty hook-ups when I know that i want, need, and deserve so much more..

I want someone who's gonna be there for me. someone i can just chill with .. why is that so hard to find? do i just give off a hook up vibe? i really wish i knew ... like is there something on my face that just says "not suitable for a relationship" ??

on a more positive note. i'm moving on ... we're moving on ... and quite frankly it's about time. it was an unhealthy relationship at best. he was the first person to ever mean the world to me though and he will always have a piece of my heart. that i can never change..

hopefully the next time i write in this i wont be in such a melancholic mood... night.

Tonight's song: see the lyrics below.

not normally my style lol but this song pretty much sums everything up right now..
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

So Long, So Long by Dashboard Confessional .. i <3 them
Hand out the window
Floatin' on air
Just a flip of the wrist
And I am wavin' you goodbye

Drive past the lifeguard stand
Where I sit around waiting for you to remember
As I drive

How the girls could turn to ghosts before your eyes
And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying
And how the grace with which she walked into your life
Will stay with you in your steps,
And pace with you a while
So long, so long [x2]

The speaker in this door is blown
So nothing sounds quite right
Takin' my time, takin' this drive, wavin' this town goodbye,
And I drive this ocean road and remember
The small of your back
And the nape of your neck
I remember everything as I drive, wavin' this town goodbye

I remember

How the girls can turn to ghosts before your eyes
And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying
And how the grace with which she walked into your life
Will stay with you in your steps,
Pace with you a while
So long, so long...

And I will leave under the cover
Of summer's kiss upon the sky
Like the stone face of your lover
Just before she says goodbye
I was certain that the season could be held between my arms
Well just as summer's hold is fleeting
I was here but now I'm gone...
I'm gone... I'm gone, I'm gone
I'm gone...

Dashboard .. i will finally get to see you live in 10 days .. let the countdown begin : )
"Currents"

The air is visible around you, rising up and off your lips in slow currents
And i watch as your face is framed in its slow currents
Drifting curls a trailing path
A long drag becomes a dress of blue and ash

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if its gotta end then let it end in flames
Let it burn all the way down

The air is visceral around us Turning in its simple steps on slow currents and I watch as it pirouettes and spins in slow motion A long drag becomes a slow dance and a halo around her

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if its gotta end then let it end in flames
Let it burn all the way down, all the way down

And if this is ever meant to end, then i hope it ends where it began
So hot with love, we burned our hands
If this is ever meant to end, then i hope it ends where it began
So hot with love, it burns our hands

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
If its gotta end then let it end in flames
Let it burn, let it burn
If its gotta end let it burn
If its gotta end let it burn
It ends where it began, so hot with love, it burns our hands


"Rooftops and Invitations"

The first time you looked at her curves you were hooked
And the glances you took, took hold of you and demanded that you stay
And sunk in their teeth, bit your heart and released
Such a charge that you need another touch, another taste, another fix

She just might get you lost
And she just might leave you torn
But she just might save your soul
If she gets you when she gets you any closer

She leads you up, points out skylines and stars, steeple chases in bars
And took your keys and demanded that you stay
The city longs well for rooftops and invitations
All lace in secret places, she moves you to touch with her hands

And she just might get you lost
And she just might leave you torn
But she just might save your soul
If she gets you when she gets you any closer

Under the cold sheet, where the welcomed touch of skin and skin will meet
Out on the inside where a girls prize is at the tip of your tongue
Where every move and each impulse brings clarity
To stay like this is everything you'll ever need

She just might get you lost
And she just might leave you torn
But she just might save your soul
But she gets you any closer

Can you believe your eyes

ronnie never ceases to amaze me..
Remember my name, Girl
And don't wear it out
So when you see it again
You can think all about
How we'd walk and hold hands
How we'd laugh and how we’d shout
When life was good



Our kisses were laden
with pleasure and truth
But now they're just given
to satisfy you
Remember when “love” was
A word we'd both use
And life was good.

Our love was always there
Like a virus in the air
It got in us and we thought it always would
When life was good.


Our love once was fragile
Our history short
But now we've seen battles
We're wounded from wars
But we'll fight till we die
Till we're placed in the dirt
Say life is good

And then there are those times
When we're naked in bed
And the love that we make
Almost makes me forget
All the months spent away
Since the last time we said
That life was good.


Our love was always there
Like a worried mother’s stare
It tried, it cared
We thought it always would
When life was good.

fuck it.
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for

When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder

How it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...

The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit
me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down

Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be

Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion
Oblivion

How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

perfect angry but still not TOO angry song...
Which to Bury First, Us or The Hatchet? by Relient K

I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for naught

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

As promised...
Here it is. I look forward to yet another year of new songs, new bands, and new musical addictions. Be prepared for quite the lyrical journey ;)

Photographs and Memories by Jason Reeves

I keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
and i dont know why i would be.
the way your smile looks so real
i feel like i could start to understand your grace.
and i dont understand why you're
not here with me.
and i dont even wanna know where else
you'd be.

cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...

writing moments on the wall with different colors
keeps my mind away from missing you.
and i can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
where we can dance upon a star..
and i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
cause i don't feel like i was real until you were
a part of me.

CHORUS

i need you back, i need you back
i need you here.
i need your smile, i need your eyes
i need you dear.
cause every line on your face makes a beautiful maze
for my eyes to trace...

welcome back fellow strangers and estranged friends...
This journey called life has certainly taken me through an unexpected whirlwind of events since i last updated. It has now been almost a year since the last time i confided in this now desolate online blog. Despite the insecurities and anxieties that saturate my last post, college did indeed get much better. Freshman year was a journey I will never forget. It changed me completely and i like to believe it was all for the better. I made friends with people i now value quite dearly. Despite the giant gap that exists in time between this post and the last, i do not wish to recount the countless chain of events that occurred as my first year at USC unraveled itself. In fact, i shall move on.

Michael and I ended our relationship back in october i believe it was. We grew apart and honestly it was bound to happen. As for him, and those who have even remotely read this pathetic excuse for a journal (for journal implies a daily occurrence) should know exactly which "him" i am referring to, we are just as confusing as we ever were. I still love him. He still loves me. I dont believe such will ever change and i'm not sure that i'm ready for it to change. He's not perfect. There's a lot about him i wish i could change but for some reason in times of loneliness i seem to yearn for his conversation and understanding. I am beginning to think he will forever remain an integral part of my life and maybe that isn't as bad as i thought it would be. However, no need to get hasty worried readers. Despite this emotional revelation, i still maintain no desire to recreate any kind of romantic, long-lasting relationship with this man. At least not until he has matured and begun to take responsibility for his life and his actions. The hope that such a rebirth of character will occur sooner rather than later seems to drive me to keep him in my life. Whether or not such a change will ever occur, I truly don't know. But i honestly think i would regret not waiting around to see if such a transformation ever occurs. Therefore, I will keep him as my friend and maintain close contact with him while i am home for breaks. Such is my decision.

Now on to a new and possibly more exciting subject. The single life. Ah yes the life that men have mastered and women pretend to pursue. I find it exciting and thrilling but lonely and unsatisfying all at the same time. The possibility of meeting someone who may be a great conversationalist or with whom i share similar musical interests is enough to keep me on the edge of my seat. However, the more i enter the "single scene," the more i realize that such are not the men that are currently single. In fact, they're quite the opposite. The only conversation they're interested in pursuing involves any lines that may result in the removal of my pants. Unfortunately for them, they are miserably unsuccessful. I do not pity them, however, for such is the fate of scumbags. So, yes fellow readers the dating scene on a college campus is full of interesting and vibrant characters. Dont get too excited, however, because as i previously mentioned these "vibrant" characters are desperately seeking to charm their way into your pants. *sigh* Welcome to the wonderful world of dating at the University of Southern California.

Currently, i am spending as much time with him as possible before i embark on the second year of my academic journey in a couple of weeks. I am nervous and anxious to see what this year may hold for me. I could never have predicted that i would have formed such lasting friendships or that i would have done so many regreattable things this past year. But i cannot, nor do i wish to take back the events that made up my first year of college. It was what it was and for that I am unconditionally thankful.

I will definitely attempt to keep you posted on the events that will make up my sophomore year at USC. However, promises are cheap and i have been known not to keep them. So, i will simply declare that i will try. But if i don't, I urge you to simply indulge in such an occurrence, for it means that i am much too busy enjoying my life in california to actually sit down and write about it. And that, my friend, is certainly not something worth apologizing for.

Until next time,
your faithful confidante.

tonite's song: photographs and memories by jason reeves

As i often have done, i will return and post the lyrics to this beautiful song in a few. Hope you enjoy.

"in a table of friends, i'm completely alone" --Bright Eyes
At the risk of sounding weak, i divulge. I'm not upset because of what happened last nite .. i'm upset because im terribly aware of what last nite represents. last nite was merely a manifestation of my inability to belong here... i'm sick of being here. honestly i would give anything just to be home rite now ... i find myself constantly longing for the friendships i had back home ... michelle.. shilpa... even ppl i wasn't all that close to like monique and jeremy.. all people who would drop what they were doing at the drop of a hat if i needed their help. all ppl who would do anything to make sure that i was ok. ppl who actually gave a fuck whether or not i came home safely ... or feel uncomfortable... all ppl who respected me and the things that i believe in. ppl who didnt judge my decision to not drink or smoke... or anything else for that matter. instead im here... enundated by a sea of meaningless superficial relationships. ppl i say hi to .. yes .... even ppl i fucking live with .. and yet i find that if i were in any kind of harm or pain ... their names wouldn't even arise when thinking of ppl to call for help... ppl who i know for a fact dont give a fuck about whether or not i make it home ok ... or that im upset ... ppl who dont know me. im just so fucking sick of this shit. maybe colin was right ... i hold ppl to my own moral standards and then become easily disappointed when they fail to meet those standards. who the fuck am i to tell ppl what is morally right or wrong for them to do.... i dont even know if that's the reason im upset... forgive me if im rambling... i am simply trying to get it all out .. so to speak... in attempts to prevent my self from bursting into tears in the middle of my apartment. instead, i sit here in the library .. among a couple dozen ppl whom i probably will never see again in this university cuz tha'ts how things go here ... sometimes i can't help but wonder ... am i the only fucking person out there who feels this way? who opts to not drink or smoke ... it's never really bothered me if ppl make fun of me for being that way .. what bothers me now is the lack of a sense of belonging... i really feel like i am alone. i just feel like im above all of this inebriated bullshit. i dont need to become intoxicated to be "funny" or .. "sociable" ... call me fucking crazy but i dont consider the idea of getting fucking "wasted" and making out with a perfect stranger as a good time .... im just so fucking tired of this ... i honestly feel so lonely here. i like it .. dont get me wrong.. the education is great.. it's a gorgeous campus .. but i dont fit in .. im not a fucking tall leggy rich blonde ... i dont get drunk every other night .. i dont make out with perfect strangers... im done with this .. i just hope it gets better. until then i guess all i can do is just preoccupy my mind ... i think ima go find a good book to read... im gonna look up those books colin recommended a long time ago... u know .. colin and i ... there were just so many things with him that i absolutely hated... but i have to admit that i loved that we could have an intelligent conversation ... about literature... or w/e ... but anyways that is besides the point. i should go. florida, i miss u.

a song about hanging on even when u know that in the end it will all be lost..
Dusk and Summer by Dashboard Confessional

she smiled in a big way
the way a girl like that smiles
when the world is hers.
she held your eyes
out in the breeze way
down by the shore
in the lazy summer.

and she pulled you in
and she bit your lip
and she made you hers.
she looked deep into you
as you lay together
quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer.

but you've already lost
but you've already lost
but you've already lost
when you only had barely enough to hang on.

and she combed your hair
and she kissed your teeth
and she made you better
than you've been before
and she told you bad things
you wished you could change
in the lazy summer.

and she told you laughing,
down to her core
so she would not cry
as she lay in your lap
she said,
"nobody here can live forever,
quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer."

but you've already lost
but you've already lost
but you've already lost
when you only had barely enough to hang on.

she said,
"no one is alone the way you are alone."
and you held her looser than you would have
if you ever could have known
some things tie a life together,
slender threads and things together
days like that should last
and last
and last.

but you've already lost
but you've already lost
but you've already lost

when you only had barely enough of her to hang on.



.

the present is just a pleasant interruption to the past.
.. i dont get it. i have everything i want .. i do.. well relatively speaking.. and yet i still find that i am unhappy. i think it's gotten to the point where the presence of chaos in my life is essential to maintaining some sort of happiness. it's pathetic, it truly is.

on a brighter note, i think i'm getting better. i dont worry about him as much and that's good because frankly he doesn't deserve to be worried about. im glad. sometimes i find myself wondering how he's doing .. fighting the urge to read his lil journal or w/e the fuck u want to call it .. and when such situations arise .. all i do is picture him sleeping with two other girls.. girls he's known for a month maybe tops .. well suffice it to say that such an image in all of it's grotesque glory .. manages to fade away any desires to speak to him that may still linger within me.

"and this kiss
that screams of other people's lips
will be of service
to keeping you away..."

as dashboard so wonderfully described it ..

as for me and my significant other.. i dont even know where to begin. some days i feel as though things couldn't be any better .. as though this is exactly where i want to be for as long as i can ... and yet there are other days when the slightest words that escape his mouth irritate the fuck out of me .. i think it's just the distance .. when we're in person he makes me very happy .. for lack of a better description .. i hope he doesn't regret his decision .. b/c if he does i know that i pretty much fucked up his life .. but let's not focus on the possibilities and rather concentrate on the "for sure" things in my life right now ..

so i leave wednesday.

im not quite sure how i feel about that right now .. at times i feel as though the day has come at quite the opportune time .. and yet at other times i feel as though i am not ready quite yet ... i need more time .. just a little more. honestly i just want it to be over with. im sure it will be al lthat it is cracked up to be .. but quite honestly i just dont give a fuck.. i see the way my friends speak about finally going to college .. and i sense the utter tone of excitement and exhiliration in their voices .. the feelings i once had for the arrival of wednesday .. and yet those feelings r long gone now .. i feel like college isn't where i need to be right now .. i want to just fast forward .. past college .. and into the life of routine and mundane events .. ridiculous as it may sound .. that's wat i want .. it's secure .. it's comfortable .. it's .. safe. agh im sure this is normal .. or at least that's wat i will continue to tell myself but who knows. i guess wednesday will give me an idea as to what to expect for the next four years of my life.

i dont believe it has hit me that in 3 days i will be on the opposite side of the country.. living on my own.. having no contact with my old friends .. and forced to make new friends with people i've never seen before in my life. it's more frightening than exciting if i may be frank.

financially my family is wreck.. but then again what else is new.

i guess this whole entry revolves around the same concept .. moving on. i've never been good at goodbyes and sticking to them ... but i guess this is the best time to grow.. evolve.. forget ... and recreate. i shall keep you posted on this journey that i do not wish to embark upon. in the meantime, all i can do is wait. good night .. i hope the air is clearer wherever you are.

there's just nothing to be said anymore...

TAKING BACK SUNDAY LYRICS

"There's No "I" In Team"

Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
And if we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means

And I've got a twenty-dollar bill
that says you're up late night starting
fist fights versus fences in your backyard
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor
Soaking in sympathy
from friends who never loved you
nearly half as much as me

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable...ohoh

Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
If we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means

You never knew
well i never told you...
Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it's true
I've never done it with the style and grace you have
But I've made long term plans
based on these mistakes

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable

Is this what you call tact?
I swear you're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
so let's end this call,
and end this conversation
there's nothing worse...
(that's right he said, that's right he said it)
I swear, you have no idea
The jealousy that became me thinking
(that's right he said)
that you always had it way too easy

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable

Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve

Best friends means I pulled the trigger!
Best friends means you get what you deserve!


------------------------------------------------------------
SOMETHING CORPORATE LYRICS

"Konstantine"

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you and my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
But i can't stand here in a patch of four leaf clover
And your restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go
I didn't think so

And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
The present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope
That you had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
And it did because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

And I had dreams that i would learn to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rockstar
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But dammit you're so young
But I don't think I care
And if I hurt you then i'm sorry
Please don't think that this was easy

And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what its like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

Konstantine came walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And i've been thinking, and i've thinking, no
But she's been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blond hair
And I was thinking, what I was thining ya know
We've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere

This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
It's hard to like it
It's to dying in anothers arms
And why i had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
And those nights in my car
But this time i'm alone, and i don't see those stars
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant
You thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie in my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
And all the things i put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine

They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No

This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these pretty things she did
Hey Baby, You know that you keep me up in bed
It's to a girl who got into my head
With all the fucked up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine

Spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said,
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you

God, I miss you

And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no no,
And you'll kiss me in your living room, oh
And you see, no, that i've been missing in my Living room
Cause this is what i miss, what i miss
We don't have much room
I said, does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

My Konstantine

beautiful song .. beautiful band ... beautiful music.
BRIGHT EYES LYRICS

"Hit The Switch"

I'm staring out into that vacuum again
from the back porch of my mind
the only thing that's alive, I'm all there is
and I start attacking my vodka
stab the ice with my straw
my eyes have turned red as stoplights
you seem ready to walk
ou know I'll call you eventually
when I wanna talk, 'til then you're invisible

cause there's this switch that gets hit
and it all stops making sense
and in the middle of drinks
maybe the fifth or the sixth
I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them
I feel nothing, nothing.

well I need a break from the city again
I think I'll ship myself back west
I've got a friend there she says,
"hey anytime"
unless that offers expired
I have been less than frequent
she's under no obligation
to indulge every whim
and I'm so ungrateful, I take
she gives and forgives and I keep forgetting it

and each morning she wakes
with a dream to describe
something lovely that bloomed
in her beautiful mind
i say, "I'll trade you one
for two nightmares of mine,
I have somewhere I die,
I have somewhere we all die"

I'm thinking of quitting drinking again
I know I've said that a couple of times
and I'm always changing my mind
well I guess I am
but there's this burn in my stomach
and there's this pain in my side
and when I kneel at the toilet
and the morning's clean light
pours in through the window
sometimes I pray I don't die
I'm a goddamn hypocrite

but then night rolls around and it all starts making sense
there is no right way or wrong way, you just have to live
and so I do what I do, and at least I exist
what could mean more than this?
what would mean more, mean more?

wat a kick ass song..
Vacuum Bag Lyrics
by Stroke 9

You'll never know what happened to me
It's just one of those things
I was sitting by myself
And my thoughts started pouring out
Remember that time on our trip
You asked me where we were going
I said Barcelona
You said that's not what I meant
Maybe I'll never get it
I just don't think I'm like that
Don't like planning stuff out
It never happens that way

I'm like a vacuum bag That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we found your mom's Valium and took it?

Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

That summer when we wore no shoes
And we danced on the Fourth of July
And we listened to your sister's records
And Frampton came alive
Even then you knew what you wanted
Even then I had no clue
I was just living in the moment
And the moment was all about you
Remember that time in LA
You asked we what we were doing
I said we're doing fine
You said here we go again

I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?

'Cause it matters to me
Can you hear me?
Everyday I ask the same thing

Will you ever know what happened to me?
It happens everyday
And you wonder what went on
It's there and then it's gone
Maybe I'm sentimental
And I start to reminisce
And every time I do
I still want to tell you this