don't let me hold something so delicate, i'll shatter it with a word


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:: 2012 20 March :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Everything Good by Ashes Remain

So, got some idea where I'll be going in a few years... don't know exactly when, but maybe starting building contacts in December....
Russia. I feel God is leading my wife and I to Tula, Russia to minister to others.
From the ministries I've heard of that have gone on in Russia, I've heard that most of them, the missionaries don't live among the people... they either build up walls around their house or their lives to protect them from everyone else outside of them... and that doesn't come off as something right or good to a culture that is heavily relational and personal.

My intention is Russia be the headquarters of all the missions that Chelsea and I want to do: See a need in a place we end up in, meet that need among the community, leave the ministry to a Timothy, and move to another place when we feel we are felt let to move.

Tula is a very cultural area in Russia, you get heavy WWII history on Russia's part (they were the ones making all the guns and ammo for the Russian army at the time, and helped fend off an attack headed toward Moscow). Other than that, it's kind of the meltingpot of a lot of culturs that will be very interesting to experiance, and plus you can hop a train or tram, and a half an hour to two hours -or so- you're in an area that needs help, or really anywhere in the western half of Russia.

Chelsea and I are so excited to start this ministry work through our pastor's orginization -Open Arms International Ministries (OAIM); spreading the love and self-worth of Jesus Christ to those who are looking for more in life, and needs due to them because they are human (food, shelter, human relationship, and love).

I love what we are being called to do, and I want so much to get started. Chelsea and I have the Youth to work on within our church, but I believe that's the stepping-stone to get our orginization fine-tuned and under our belt in experiance and such so that when we do go halfway around the world, we can be reliable, dependable, responsible, and effective when we do have greater responsibility on our shoulders.

Those who are reading this, please keep my wife and I in your thoughts and prayers as we travel and just love people, here in the states and elsewhere.



:: 2011 9 November :: 10.51am

Sucks when you know you dreamt, and you rack your brain trying to remember what it was about; you don't even know bits and pieces... Then all of the sudden, latter on in the day, you remember every single bit of the dream... And it was nothing you ever wanted to remember.



:: 2011 13 July :: 11.47am

Am I really a toxic person in your eyes because I told you embarrising and regretable actions that I am now trying to reconcile?
Am I really not worth your friendship because I've made mistakes in my life and I recognize them?
Am I really worth being dropped in probably one of the most emotionally unstable, intimidating, and uncompromising periods of my life?

Thank you... for not being there when I need you the most.

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:: 2011 13 May :: 4.04pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: I Will Follow by Chris Tomlin

This is my anthem
I'm making strides to You. I'm doing the best I can to be the best that You want me to be. I'm not letting my choices decide where I go in life... that's the desires of my heart and Your job, now.
Proverbs 16:3 "Commit your activities to the Lord, and your plans will be achieved." Finally I see that ALL my plans may not be Yours, but when I seek you; when I commit everything I do... when I trust in you alone, it will be through You that my plans become achieved.
You are awesome and powerful... beautiful and just.
It's in your name I praise, Jesus. Amen.



:: 2011 11 May :: 12.13pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Anna Molly (Acoustic) by Incubus

It's been a few days:
I'll be better, I know I will. I just need to focus on God and on myself. I don't feel great about my decision, but I know that it was the best decision I have ever made in a long time.
Just need lots of prayer.



:: 2011 5 May :: 11.33pm

Are my desires of my heart paving my future, or are my choices?

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:: 2011 20 April :: 11.44pm

Radical by David Platt
"We are not saved from our sins because Jesus was falsely tried by Jewish and Roman officials and sentenced by Pilate to die. Neither are we saved because Roman persecutors thrust nails into the hands and feet of Christ... All God's holy wrath and hatred toward sin and sinners, stored up since the beginning of the world, was poured out on Jesus... This is the gospel."

I paraphrased his words, and sorta ran them together a little bit... but damn it he's right: We are not saved from our sins because of what Jesus did on the cross, we are saved because of what he took on our behalf. God's anger and wrath and just judgment was poured onto Jesus in that moment, and that's what saved us, because Jesus Became sin; moreover, that is why God turned his back from Jesus. David Platt can say it better than I.

"Picture Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane. As he kneels before his Father, drops of sweat and blood fall together from his head. Why is he in such agony and pain? The answer is not because he is afraid of the crucifixion. He is not trembling because of what the Roman soldiers are about to do to him.
"Since that day, countless men and women in the history of Christianity have died for their faith. Some of them were not just hung on a cross; they were burned there. Many of them went to their crosses singing.
"One Christian in India, while being skinned alive, looked at his persecutors and said, 'I thank you for this. Tear off my old garment, for I will soon put on Christ's garment of righteousness.'
"As he prepared to head to his execution, Christopher Love wrote a note to his wife, saying, 'Today they will sever me from my physical head, but they cannot sever me from my spiritual head, Christ.' As he walked to his death, his wife applauded while he sang of glory.
"Did these men and women in Christian history have more courage than Christ himself? why was he trembling in that garden, weeping and full of anguish? We can rest assured that he was not a coward... Instead he was a savior about to endure divine wrath.
"Listen to his words: 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.' The 'cup' is not a reference to a wooden cross; it is a reference to divine judgment. It is the cup of God's wrath. This is what Jesus is recoiling from in the garden...
"What happened at the cross was not primarily about nails being thrust into Jesus' hands and feet but about the wrath due your sin and my sin being thrust upon his soul. In that holy moment, all the righteous wrath and justice of God due us came rushing down like a torrent on Christ himself. Some say, 'God looked down and could not bear to see the suffering that the soldiers were inflicting on Jesus, so he turned away.' But this is not true. God turned away because he could not beat to see your sin and my sin on his Son."

Wow... Changes everything doesn't it?

This Easter, really think about what it means to be forgiven... and what it really means to be saved from sin and death.
This Easter, question your salvation in the sense to test it, tried and true.
This Easter..... really know what it means to be a Christian, take up your cross, and do something.



:: 2011 6 January :: 12.52am

I've made a lot of changes: in belief, mindset, mentality, and passion.

The point of faith is not the war, but about the hearts, minds, and lives of the people around you; to help others any way you can -and not because you should, but because you want to.

Love is what holds everything together. God has sent His son, Jesus, to die for our sins not to win a battle, but to show His love for us.

The resurrection is just as much for us as the death was.

My passion should not be to rally troops, to fight a war, or to defeat the enemy... that's God's job, and he already has that covered. My passion should be to help the community around me, to show just how much God loves each and every one of us, and to show everyone that there is value in them. You can throw, step on, spit on, smash, and run over a gold brick, but at the end of the day the gold brick is still worth $1500 an ounce (give or take based on the price that day).

Reading past entries... I don't know who reads this any more; I don't even know if I'm talking to anyone but myself, but I just want to say for whoever this may concern: I am sorry for how I have treated all of you through my belligerent faith of Spiritual Warfare. It's not a right thing to be offensive for God, and I realize that now. My drive is to break down those types of walls... because I see that in the past I was no better than any other judgmental Christian out there that doesn't give the rest of the world any sort of grace shown to them; I will work to change that. Jesus said that the greatest commandment was to "love your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself," and I look to take that so much to heart it becomes second nature.

I am not the same -it's almost like a breath of fresh air.

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:: 2010 17 October :: 2.56am
:: Mood: indifferent

I move around the Internet way too much.

If anyone is interested in reconnecting, find me on facebook. Search "Meg Miley", based in Atlanta. (I previously said to search for "Megan" but FB blocked me out of that account.) I also no longer use Myspace, and rarely ever get on aim (meganlikespants) or yahoo (shirtzors). If you happen to be anti facebook, shoot me an email or something ( Just be sure to remind me you're from this site. It's been so long!



:: 2009 31 August :: 11.31am

What can be said? What can be told that hasn't already been uttered before for the sake of knowing that things aren't right, and that change, nay... revolution must commence for the sake of love, mystery, and fellowship?
Government promises change, individuals promise change, yet no one offers revolution, because it's too drastic.
Things are getting complicated now in this day, lines are being blurred, and even hard truth is being pulled into question every single day about things that we once strongly believed to be true and right and fair.
Don't get me wrong, however: Questioning is something needed and should be accepted by any sex of religion, organization, and government, but when the questions begin to loose their humility, when the questions begin to be less and less raw, and more and more about trying to prove a statement wrong that you are either tired of or you don't think is right, then what is the point of questioning if it's only for selfish gain? How does it better anyone else but the questioning individual, and as a matter of fact I wouldn't even call what the person is doing a questioning individual. I'd go as far as to title them a demon, because all they are doing is making others doubt so that they loose sight of what is true and right, to see a view that really only the individual believes is right just because it looks good and it's different from the other view that they don't even understand why they don't like in the first place. Because it doesn't make sense? That's a cop-out, and here's why:
In school, if something didn't make sense, you would question the teacher, right? If your parents say something that doesn't sound right or they say something that you don't understand, what do you do? Just say "Screw you," and go off doing your own project or chore? No, you question the teacher or parent or whoever... because you don't understand; because it doesn't make sense to you. Why is this scene any different in the topic of God? If something doesn't make sense, people question in any other facet of life besides this one, and that amazes me.
A revolution needs to take place. A drastic change needs to happen to change how people view God, church, and their spirit. Churches today have painted a grotesque picture of what Jesus looked like, believed, and did. They sculpted a horrible representation of God in their million dollar buildings that are only to be used to the congregation, and built a fellowship that you have to gain membership into the body of Christ. This "Christdom" if you will has become overweight, too powerful, and it overshadows what should really be seen in terms of what Christ did, believe, and tried to show the world. God is seen as a guy waiting to strike down anyone who comes in his path. Christ is seen as a pretty neat guy that people would like to get to know... as long as you hate gays. Both of those depictions are things that the church in general has fed us with, and I'm surprised so many have taken it for this long.
What would it look like for a church to give out half of what it gets in in offering.
What would it look like for a church to not be confined by walls or a building?
What would it look like for a church to help its community any way possible?
To cloth and feed and house the needy?
To love anyone who walks through the doors or what have you?

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:: 2009 5 June :: 4.22pm
:: Mood: I don't think there's a justifyable word for this.

Is this my legacy?
I know that church has gotten a bad rap for having hippicritical people in it. People that do nothing but break down others, using the church, so that they get -in some sick and twisted way- who they want in their church.
I haven't had this personal... until now.
A friend of mine at Real Life church in Spring Lake, North Carolina, has made mistakes in her past that she isn't proud of. Some people found this out, and by a involvement of her through their children, decided to do everything they could to turn everyone against her.
These people are the ones in the church that are suppose to be protecting her, showing her an example of Christ constantly, and yet they take up their rocks, not caring who is without sin, and letting them fly without any reguard to her continuity.
Jesus came and made himself nothing for the continuity of the people that were on the other end of the rock; to show people not that the laws in the Old Testiment were wrong, but that they were lived out like this -hints Jesus' life.
I've always known that pharisies were in any church you go to, sneeking around, planning the perfect time to make their move at someone, ready to condemn with stone and tounge... I just never would have thought that these pharisies were peopole so involved and deep in ministry of a church, of whos' purpose -above all others- is to protect the young from the stones themselves. Lets call them "Sleeper Pharisies".
All the while of listening to this and seeing this young girl get torn apart by the ones that she did nothing to but love and respect, people that she poured hard-earned comfort, love, and joy into, I think of how the pastor is going to react to this... because this will eventually get back to Darrell in some manner.
I know for a fact that Darrell doesn't know anyhting about any of this that is going on within his congragation right under his nose, and when he does, it's going hurt him bad. Darrell has been so proud of his congragation for all the things that we have involved ourselves with to help the community without any promise of reward from anyone but God himself, and not for the sake of recieving, but for the sake of giving to others in need; to hear this story of lies, decete, emotional murder of this young girl... it's going to break his heart to know that this is happening right under him, and he didn't even know it.
And all this time I'm thinking: Is this my legacy as a pastor? To have these toxic people right in the midst of leadership within my church and not even know it until they decide to tare apart a young girl in public?
Yes, yes it is. And I accept it as my legacy whole-heartedly and with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart... I accept this legacy to look forward to.

Things need to change.
Church is viewed of a collective of peopole that have a "I'm more holy that thou," persona; you'll find that with SOMEONE in ANY given church, but the sad part of it is: this persona is beoming adopted more and more as I see even Real Life -my home church- progress.
The foundation of Real Life is to live real life, showing a real God to real people. We try and meet people at their needs, and to show the love of Christ through what we do and how we do it... and to see all this happening to my friend makes others -outside looking in- think what is really taken to heart and taught over at Rea Life.
God works in mysterious ways, and so does Satan.... I just pray that love really does win every single time.
However, something needs to change. Meeting real people with real problems with a real God in their real lives leaves room for real people to make real problems. Something needs to change about how a real God helping real problems for real people is approched.
Christians and the church today -the American church and the American Jesus- has become somewhat of a marketed, segragated (not in race but in spirituality and beliefes.... even about the same thing) community. Real Life tries to break that, and this toxin has infiltrated on somewhat of a deep level. I guess it was only a matter of time, but it still hurts to know that this happened.
Darrell will take care of things when this gets back to him, and he will sort it out. I have enough faith in Darrell that this will not go further... and I'm not expecting a church to be completely immune to any of these problems, but I guess it's jsut the innitial explosion of this whole situation that hit hard.
Something needs to change... because I'm not inheriting this preconseved, marketed, segrigated community as my community of God like other churches have in America, and even the world. Real Life will prosper and take care of the situation... but this is something that has to and will be addressed, by not only Darrell, but when I plant my church.

Love wins

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:: 2009 25 January :: 1.00pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: My Savior My God: Aaron Shust / Go (I wana send you): Newsboys

[Church name under construction]
Part of the fruit of the spirit is to have patients. It's to wait and not only see what God is going to do, but it's to wait and see what's in your heart for the works of God himself.
Patients, this part of the spirit is something I've always had since I can remember... except now.
It's hard to wait for something that you are not only wanting to do with all your heart, but to do something that you feel God is calling you to do to spread his love to the nations.
I know I need to be patient, and I will, but it's just so hard when I have this vision of what must be accomplished not only for God, but for community's sake... wherever that may be.

The Vision/Rant:
I want to make a church that cannot be contained in a building, within a physical infrastructure or on a physical location.
I want to make a church that breaks down, to the core, what church should be: A community of people that meet together to fellowship with each other, learn, and grow spiritually and physically under the banner and love of Christ Jesus.
What church has become today is a place built on worship of a God that is hard to understand, lives to condemn, and wants you to be perfect to receive his attention, approval, and love.
This is sick. This is not what Jesus intended at all; this was not our example, in the book of Acts, of how a church should function, grow, and affect the community.
I want to create a community that does nothing but grow, expand, and deepen the love of God to anyone that chooses to accept it... who may or may not accept Christ himself, his love then.
We serve a God that we already have approval from, whom we already have love from, and whom we already have attention from. So why do we, as followers of Christ, act like we don't? Why do we perpetuate the idea that we need to ask for it?
Why do we ask to bless food when it's already blessed by God, because it came from the Earth, and the Earth was created by God himself?
Why do we treat God like he didn't commit suicide to save us from sins punishable by death... which is any sin really.
You break one commandment and you break them all, so in all seriousness we are all murderers, we are all rapists, we are all honoring other Gods... but we are forgiven from all of this... so why does the church insist in proclaiming that not only we are not, but also that we must be perfect to achieve reward from God in Heaven?
Why are we following the phrases when Jesus himself called them "Sons of Hell?"
Church must be evangelistic, to it's inner structure; it should be a place where people can not only come HOW they are... but WHERE they are in life/in their walk with God/in their life with themselves and others.
Church must be a servant of the community in ANY way that it can be, and it should not just be one church organization over another, but in conjunction with other church groups. The church down the street and the church out in the middle of nowhere and the church downtown should work together for the good of the community, despite their differences of what color the carpet in the sanctuary should be or if you should drink alcohol or nix all forms of alcohol from any type of consumption in your life completely.
That is ridiculousness... and pretty much sad.
Not only that, but it also causes others that don't believe in Christ to see the ridiculousness and have the ability to ask, "Do I really want to be apart of that?"
I wouldn't!
It turns people away from what is most important, and it's important because it gives hope for your life and it gives you the ability to say, "I don't have everything together, but it doesn't matter, because I have hope, love, and assurance in my life."
How many people can say that now, today, with how things are going in the world? How many people can say that they don't need things in their life to make them happy, because they have joy, and that's all they need?
How many people can look at their life and say, "I don't need anything else."
People may paint with a broad brush what Church is... and to an extent, they are right.
However, I feel it is partly my obligation as a follower of Christ to take that brush and attempt to brake it... or at least have it find a place that it can't paint.
My vision... or I should say God's vision for my life and my future is to bring life back to any given community. To plant not a church, but love into a community and let the roots take hold of the area and not let go.
This vision is more than what I can explain with words.
It's taking all I get in offering and tithe and splitting it down the middle: Half of what I take in, I give out to the community, and the reason for this comes from the greatest commandment that Jesus told us: "Love your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."
" your neighbor as yourself." If we loved our neighbors as ourselves, wouldn't we feed them just as much we do us? Would we cloth them just as much as we do our own bodies? Wouldn't we spend just as much money on them as we would on ourselves? What would that look like? What kind of effect would that have on any given community if people, or a church had that mentality?
This vision of what I am describing is more than anything I can explain... it has to be shown, because it's going to be a movement that will take hold of anyone that notices and wonders about it.
This is not my vision just as well as the moon is yours, or anyone's. This vision is owned, breathed, fixated, and motivated by, from, on, and through Jesus Christ, the son of God the Father, and giver of the Holy Spirit, who died on the cross to our sin, and rose again for our salvation.
Now don't get me wrong: I do not claim to know exactly what God wants, and I know it sounds like I'm painting church myself with a broad brush, but I assure you I am not. I am apart of a church that is doing just his right now as I write this, called Real Life Church in Spring Lake, North Carolina, and I am fully aware that there are other churches that are doing this as well... and then some. However, I am speaking for and to those who have this preconceived notion of what church is, and the churches that have proved these notions with judgmental colors.
People see church this way, and it's for a reason, and I'm looking to paint a different picture of church starting years from now.
My generation/Our generation is the one that is more spiritual than their parents in over 150 years in America alone. What we are spiritual about is another story, but constantly I see teenagers of my generation and younger going to church not because their parents go or make them... but because they want to. Because they are searching, and because they want more and know there has to be more out there.
Times are changing, people are growing, ideas are blossoming, and we need to act accordingly.
There are people that need help, there are people that need much, there is a looming fear of everything crashing down again in terms of society, and there's this ideal that is spreading around. The ideal that there is more than just what we see, the ideal that love is more of an act than a feeling. The ideal... that community may be all of what some have to any extent of the imagination.
What will you do in this day and age? Will you paint a broad brush over all you see and give in to giving up hope in church... if there was any? Or will you take up a different brush, a brush that is easy, and it's paint is kind. A brush that will bring burden, but a brush and paint that will ensure you assurance through the rough surfaces of the canvas?
May you love your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength... and may you love your neighbor as you love yourself.



:: 2008 4 November :: 11.01am
:: Mood: confused

Some stuff going on:
Ok, so, I've been having conflicted ideas about my future, but I will give an update before I go into what's going on with me personally right now.

I'm no longer on my way to Liberty University. I just don't think that's where God is leading me and so therefore I am headed to Campbell University... but not immediately.
Right now I'm a student at FTCC (Fayetteville Technical Community College), and I'm doing alright I guess.
I've been the Youth Worship Band leader at Real Life Church for a while now, and I'm loving every minute of it.
Again, I'm very involved with my church and I'm doing alright at school and such.

What's going on with me now:
Alright, now down to the whole point of this post.
I've been in deep with my church and such. However, I'm very deep and near the end with this semester in school... and it seems the closer I get to the end of the semester, the more and more school seems to get in the way of all that I want to involve myself with in church.
Now, I want to tell all of you straight up: I may take a year or so off of school it self (I'm not going to stop going to school... but I think I may need a break from that), and I have heard a lot about the peace corps and how the people involved can get college credit for the work that is done... so I may be looking into involving myself in that and then going back to school after serving some time there.
I am just having to go through a lot of stuff in my life right now kind of finding myself (for lack of a better term), getting over some past experiences... kind of digging up everything and healing from all of it (which may mean me going to another counselor or something), and all that good stuff.

I have a lot of decisions that need to be made within me, and I have a lot to go other emotionally so that I can become as a clean slate for God so that he can make me how he wants me to be/how I should be in his sight.

Just pray for me... that's really all that anyone can do for me at this time.

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:: 2008 12 March :: 12.10am

The Revelation: What is a Christian?:
The things that we use to explain what a Christian is, is more or less what a Christian does or believes. The question I beg is: "What IS a Christian?"
-A follower of Christ
-A light to the world and salt of the Earth
-A warrior for Christ
Yes, we are the followers of truth; the people of The Way, The Truth, and The Life, but more important, we are the soldiers of Christ's army/warriors in God's name. We (Christians and non-Christians) have to face the facts:
-We are at war
-We need to fight
If you ask someone what spiritual warfare is, most will either ask you/someone else what it is, or guess. What this "term" is, is the reality of our lives, Christian and not. There are things going on beyond our senses and understanding all of the time. Even the Bible addresses this, in Ephesians 6:
"... For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world; against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the Heavenly realms." –Eph. 6:12
Even the Bible says we are at war/that we are fighting. See, we aren't looking at this war through a television screen... but through chain-mail and a helmet. That's the thing, in itself, that most see this war as... like we are seeing the war in Iraq: We tend to think that we aren't directly affected... but we are. We have been disillusioned to believe that sense most aren't in a position in our churches that's revered as leadership/authority, we think that we're cheering on our team... but we are in the frontlines, taking the hits like EVERYONE else. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't the churches' fault or anyone else's. Facts and parts of reality are usually pushed out of the picture, in every fraction of life; we can't help what has happened, but we can decide what will happen, to a point.
My generation is the most spiritual generation in the world since two hundred years ago. Now, my question is: What are we so spiritual about? What is this rising generation on fire for? What are we willing to fight for... or even to die for? We, as a generation, have to constantly fight in our lives. I know that this seems like just another thing we need to fight and all, but if you think that then you aren't seeing the importance of what is really happening. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time... so what are you using this time for: glory of God, or transgressions of Satan? Who are we fighting for: Death or life?
War is a horrible thing; this isn't any different. I've seen people with the devil in them... literally. I've known people that have gone through exorcisms and change... even down to what they look like. Hell is real; most would agree with me, but this war is real too, and (Christian or not) guess what we are up against?

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:: 2008 5 March :: 11.24am

Too Late in the End
Hope is gone, fallen out, dead... My dear friend.
Love was there, and then it went like a flame.
This wound isn't one to easily mend.
The price you pay for playing in such game.
Determined I was; too late in the end.
I can't believe this ended like it did.
This is the place where sutch and sutch are bent.
On the road of my life this marked as: "skid".
"Determined I was; too late in the end."
this is a constant thought of my own mind.
A note to self I would go back to send.
Guess this shows how I was through all this: blind.
"Determined I was; too late in the end."
I didn't loose just my mate... But a friend.

1 _ | photograph | Random Journal