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:: 2020 21 September :: 11.51pm
:: Mood: indescribable

Sometimes I wonder...
How can the world be so beautiful
Even as it's falling apart?
Then I remember
You exist

Even if in another corner of the universe
Even if our paths never cross again
I know that you're real
So I know that dreams come true
And you are the sweetest one
Please don't wake me...

I'm doing everything


:: 2020 21 August :: 2.05pm
:: Mood: silly

There has always been heartache and pain...
But when it's over you'll breathe again. ❤️

Heyyyyy woohu~ Well, this is new. I'm actually typing a journal entry from my phone. Gods help us... I can already imagine all the autocorrects and typos. xD But on the plus side... Emojis? 😂

So... this is going to be another one of those private entries... which kind of sucks, but also doesn't really even matter, because no one I know of would even read it anyway. But I digress!

Well, I guess I'll just come out and say it. I have... a boyfriend! ... Yep. 🤣 That's still really awkward to say. Especially considering that I can't really tell anyone about him. Which is TORTURE, because he's pretty amazing...

We'll call him Zach, because... well, you know how this goes. ;3 We've only known each other for about a month, but, well, our crazy tends to match each other pretty damn well. Let's just say that he asked me to be his girlfriend in the first WEEK, and I was insane enough to say yes.

Fate has been giving us both CRAZY signs left and right, and while I've second guessed myself a lot on how fast everything has gone and on the situation in general (seeing as how it's my first poly relationship ever), my gut keeps pushing me forward. 😅

He's married and his wife is a total sweetheart who is very supportive of us. Same goes for my husband, who's been absolutely amazing. We're both super lucky. 🥰 I wasn't sure if a poly relationship would be a good fit for me, and I'm still not 100% sure, but so far, he's been very sweet and reassuring and has definitely helped me to feel MORE comfortable than I thought I would. Time will tell in that regard though, I'm sure.

I'm still scared a lot though... I feel like I care way more than I should. It's hard not to when it honestly already feels like we've known each other all our lives. ❤️ That's so dumb to say, but... Damnit, I'm saying it. 😂

A week ago, he drove out to meet for the first time (yes, I broke quarantine for a boy 🤣) and it was... INSANE. For someone I'd only spoken to on the phone threeee(?) times and had otherwise just been texting for a few weeks (albeit with novels going back and forth xD), the connection was INSTANT. There was immediately chemistry, immediately comfort, immediately love. Needless to say that I miss him already. 😅

When fate hands you someone where both of you are continually asking "how are you REAL?! how do you EXIST?!" because they just seem so perfect to you... It's hard not to wonder when the other shoe is gonna drop. Granted, we've already talked about some deep shit, and have already had some serious emotional talks, and every time, he's been absolutely wonderful in working through things with me, so it's hard not to be hopeful. 🙂

I should probably actually say something ABOUT him, huh? Well, he's a nerd, because I have a type. He's another Pathfinder DM, who's got crazy high charisma and tells great stories. ;P He's also a super talented musician, a fellow lover of travel and philosophy, sweet and shy but also a total dork and a goofball. But he's also been through some shit too, and understands the dark side of the mind, so I don't feel like I'm totally corrupting him. Also, did I mention he's absolutely gorgeous? 😘 I don't fangirl over men often, but I admit, this one got me. 🤣

Bah. I feel silly saying all that now. But I wanted to remember. To say something that makes this real, in case I do wake up to bitter reality one day. 😅 I wish I could tell the world about him. Maybe one day...

I'm trusting you intuition... Don't lead me astray. 😜

I'm doing everything


:: 2020 26 July :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: White Lines & Red Lights by Between The Trees

I'm an idiot.
And I should just get it tattooed to my forehead at this point. OTL

I figure I've already driven enough people crazy talking about this so... hello woohu~ It's been a minute, hasn't it? I could go on about the sad state of the world, but we'd be here all day. Plus, why complain about something that affects billions of people when I could whine self-centeredly about my insignificant problems to the void?

So there's this guy. We'll call him Jake. Because his name is Jake. xD And he's... infuriating, to put it mildly. :D Or maybe he's not. Maybe the way my brain works when it comes to him is what's REALLY irritating.

I hate it. I hate that when we first started talking, there was an immediate connection that I can't ignore. I hate that he made me feel... special? I'm not an idiot. I KNOW I'm special. I KNOW I'm an awesome person. But for the first time in a long time, just being myself with someone new garnered such an amazing response. He was THRILLED with who I was, and I was thrilled to feel it.

Now I hate that that feeling disappeared seemingly overnight. What was once "you're something else", "you're so witty", "you're so cute", "you're the yin to my yang", and "where have you been all my life?" is now selective responses, no signs of affection, days without communication. It's like a burning fire that just turned to ice.

Every day for weeks, I've said that I was done. I've felt like I was pursuing a connection with someone who, even on a friend level, has been putting forth little to no effort to get to know me on a deeper level, and who probably wouldn't even notice if I just stopped responding altogether and disappeared from his life.

Of course, then my logical brain kicks in and goes "well, duh, you've only known each other for roughly two months, and you've never spoken apart from texting. YOU'RE the weirdo for giving such a damn." And it's true. And it's maddening. >.>

So I say "that's it, I'm done. He's not worth it." and try to go about my life. I distance myself and vow not to respond to any more messages, but every time he comes back around and I forgive him, even if only for long enough to respond to said messages so that I can inevitably be cast aside and ignored even more.

And I KNOW it's stupid. That's the worst part. I'm watching myself make a damn fool out of myself KNOWING that I'm an idiot for doing it. KNOWING that he's not worth my time or care. I talk to other people who seem kind, funny, genuine - so many of the same traits I saw in him in the beginning. Yet they can't hold my interest for more than five minutes because I find myself wishing I were talking to him instead.

UGH. It's... awful. Worst of all is that I feel like I can't even say anything. I'm so intent on putting out that perfect face of mine, the one who isn't so complicated, who doesn't feel things on a stupidly deep level all the time, who won't get easily offended or make a big deal out of stupid things, who can just go with the flow and laugh it off and be all the positive, fun things without taking everything too seriously. I CAN be those things, sure, but he makes it hard to be genuine.

I just want to shake him and be like "dude... what the hell? why am I even here?" Like... am I just a good time waste or what? I thought the point of getting to know people and making new friends was... I don't know... getting to KNOW people? For finding me so damn spiffy in the beginning, he sure doesn't seem to give a fuck now.

I want to say something but just don't know how without being "that girl". It's dumb to think like that, I know, but it doesn't change it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to shut off my phone. I want to delete him from my life. I want... *sigh* Matt. Is that also stupid? That's also stupid. FUCK.

Why do I always get attached to people who couldn't give a fuck less about me? You'd think I just crave the sensation of crashing and burning. My heart is a stupid bitch.

I'm doing everything


:: 2020 25 February :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: blah

Nobody ever asks me if I want to do anything, it's always me asking others.

1 stay strong | I'm doing everything


:: 2019 27 May :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: "Shape Of You" by Ed Sheeran

Just so you know...
I'm happy for you.

I'm doing everything

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