home | profile | guestbook

hold your own
know your name
and go your own way

recent entries | past entries


:: 2014 2 September :: 5.40pm

I'm Broken.
Trying to reboot self.

I'm doing everything


:: 2014 22 August :: 7.50pm

Public Update
Not sure if I'll do much public. Going to take work getting into the habit to just using this again. Doesn't seem to have many active members anymore though, which is a bit saddening. Might ask Andy what traffic is like nowadays?

5 stay strong | I'm doing everything


:: 2013 13 November :: 5.53pm
:: Mood: broken
:: Music: "Save Me Once Again" by The Rasmus

I can't do this anymore...
I'm completely broken. I don't remember how it feels to be wanted. To just feel good enough. I feel suffocated... I feel dead... I feel like everything good is gone... :'(

I'm doing everything


:: 2012 24 September :: 7.12pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "You're Gonna Go Far, Kid" by The Offspring

This volume is already at max? Fuck.
Woohu... It's been too long. o.o;

I've decided that I really need to come back and start ranting here again. I'm sick of trying to talk to people about my issues and all of that crap. Talking to people just ends up somehow making things more complicated in the long run. Not only then do you have an audience that you need to keep up to date, but then you have to deal with all of their insignificant judgments. It's easier to just rant to an empty text field on the interwebs. -nod-

Issue number one. I feel like the lowest piece of shit on the planet. Why? Because I probably AM the lowest piece of shit on the planet. >.>;; I've been trying to tell myself that I need to do what makes me happy and learn not to care what other people say about my choices, but when there's so much negativity around, how does one simply block it all out? o.o

For the past year and a half or so, I was in a relationship with this great guy. And by great guy, I don't just mean that he was some nice guy. I mean that he was the most amazing person - the type of person I would be LUCKY to marry someday and the kind of guy I could see raising my future kids.

Well, the point is, we had a great beginning, and then shit all started going wrong for us. Unfortunately, despite the amazing qualities he had, which I consider the important ones (honest, faithful, kind, compassionate, understanding, fun, etc.), he also had a few that wore more on my nerves every day (irresponsible, immature, annoying, etc.).

Suddenly, things that never mattered to me before, like financial security and being responsible and holding a decent job, were suddenly becoming qualities that I wished he possessed. Then again, with him living in my parent's apartment with me and me paying for everything for him with my shitty part time job, of course things changed. I'd never taken care of someone like that before... I was tired of feeling like he was my child and not my boyfriend.

Still... I feel like the most horrible person in the world for ending things with him. Even now, after a decent amount of time has passed and many sob sessions later, I still feel like shit. Especially knowing that he was seriously planning on proposing, and how involved we'd become in each other's lives...

Anger is the only thing keeping me from bursting into tears right now. And good music. Music helps. xD I'm so emotionally exhausted. And I'm just sick with myself for the things I've done. So no, I really don't need other people telling me how much of a fuck up I am. Trust me, I already know. >.>;

So now I've been seeing this other guy, but it's been complicated since day one. And to be honest, I'm sick of complication. Things with with my ex were so easy and came so naturally. We just started, and already I'm thinking that I should just end it. I don't know. I'm so dysfunctional... And my ex still being in the picture and constantly hitting on me now and trying to get back with me isn't helping any.

God, I fucking hate people. I just wish I could get away from everyone. I haven't been in one of these moods for a long time. I used to be so antisocial, and then suddenly, I was always out hanging out with friends and going on dates and... When the hell did I become such a social person?

Well, now I feel like reverting back to the antisocial me. At least for now. Things were so much easier when I was with my ex. It's like I'm just now noticing how much ending our relationship has kind of killed the me I was starting to get used to... I liked who I was with him. Yeah, I wasn't really going anywhere career-wise and I wasn't accomplishing the goals I really wanted to, but I liked myself as a PERSON for the first time in a long time. Now, I don't really like ANYTHING about me.


1 stay strong | I'm doing everything


:: 2011 30 August :: 11.28pm

My daughter is turning one at the end of this month. Its amazing how much life has changed. I adore her so much and I can't begin to explain how much better my world is with her in it

I'm doing everything

Woohu.com | Random Journal