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:: 2005 25 November :: 9.01am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines - Panic! At The Disco

a sense of poise and rationality
updating again.
i'm over at GJ for the most part now.
it's just so awesome..
i update here sometimes.
i have nothing to say.
yesterday was thanksgiving.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 19 June :: 12.56am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New

call me a safe bet
it's father's day again.
last year my father's day sucked.
maybe it'll be better this year??
i'm hoping that since megan's here things won't get bad.
but i doubt it'll help much.
i don't know why i'm not in bed..
i guess i just don't want to sleep.
which is weird, since i've been looking forward to sleeping in my own bed for a week or so.
it's nice to be back.
i was really starting to miss this place.
and i think i can manage with megan for the month, or so.
she seems pretty cool..but, as stephen (my other cousin..her brother) said, she's a bit of a drama queen.
she's everything i'm not.
pretty, daring, funny, loud, tan, beautiful..
gah..this is making me more depressed.

2 Rolled down my cheek | A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 2 June :: 10.35am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Fiction - Orgy

guilty by design
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

(yes, i DID make the banner..don't ask why it's Ashlee)

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 14 May :: 10.52pm
:: Mood: freaked out
:: Music: Seether CD

then she told that she had a gun..
school is out soon.
very soon.
two weeks.
two more mondays.
two more tuesdays.
two more wednesdays.
two more thursdays.
two more fridays.
one more sucky weekend.
school is what gets me by, i'm not sure i can survive without it.
i dont want to go to oregon anymore.
im having second thoughts about this whole megan thing.
holy shit.
i leave soon.
i leave in 19 days.
oh my gosh...
this is weird.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 10 May :: 5.18pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: You Have My Attention - Copeland

just do your best to hear me..
i'm going to try and explain this..
these are things that i feel and think and i want to know if anybody knows anything about them, or if anyone feels/thinks the same way.
the first major thing is thinking in numbers. this mostly happens when i'm really tired..all of the sudden everything around me takes on a number. for example, i am a 2 and my clock is an 8.i dont know where these numbers come from, but they are usually one digit.
numbers also sometimes remind me of things. the other day in algebra we were working on an equation and i was suddenly reminded of a family at christmas, sitting in front of their fireplace. it wasn't just a random thought, when i looked back at the equation i could still see the family.
i've been trying to do research online to find out if there's a medical condition or brain thing that causes some people to think with numbers, but so far i haven't found anything.
i was told that some people with OCD think about numbers, but i am literally thinking in numbers.
i was wondering if it was something like synesthesia, but with numbers.
i dont know, maybe i'm just insane.
if you have ANY ideas or knowledge pleeaaase let me know.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 15 April :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Knew It All Along - Midtown

all has gone wrong...
so today sucked.
i tried to be happy, i really did..
i tried my hardest to ignore the nagging feeling inside of me, that something was going to go wrong.
but lunch killed it.
jamie was back on his fucking Cody Baker rant, and what a fag he was, and i just lost it.
i've had enough of jamie and his stupid comments.
guys are stupid...why is it that gay guys are, like, the worst thing in the world, but lesbians are sooo fucking hot?
holy shit, it's two girls that like eachother..BIG DEAL.
it's been driving me insane..ever since i came out to him, he doesn't shut up about it.
i swear, if there happens to be another chick within 10 feet of me, he starts going on about how im thinking that she's hot and i want to do her, or something.
and then he makes fun of Cody, like it's not big deal.
"he's mean to me, so why can't i be mean back?"
things are worse on A Days, when mike's there too.
so yeah, after lunch i was fucking pissed, and really sad too.
things just kept coming down on me.
it was like the whole world decided that i didn't need to have anything good happen to me today.
science was probably the worst class i've had all year.
which sucks, because i love science.
but we were doing velocity graphs with the calculators and motion dectors, and ours wouldn't work.
it was so fucked up, mr. glenn gave us new everything, and it never worked.
he even tried to do it for us, but noooo.
so, the last half hour of science was a complete waste of time, and very frustrating.
and then of course Kendra decided to be insanely hyper.
so she's bouncing off the walls, laughing like a crazy person, and telling me that im a Noble Gas.
i wanted to throw something against a wall.
the bus ride wasn't that bad..neither was the walk home.
i got to be alone.
even though Jess and Hannah and Paige came back and sat across from me.
i spent the entire ride staring at the floor, trying to figure out how old the bus was.
and when we got off, Jess waited for me, but then they stopped because they're stupid, and dont know how to tie their shoes, so i just kept walking.
i got ahead of everyone except that one Teal girl.
and Cory..who always rides his bike.
but yeah.
atleast i have The Burn Journals to keep me occupied.
it's such a great book...so intense.
did i already say that?
i think i did..
i want to cry.
but my parents will be home soon, and i have to be happy.
happy, happy holly.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 9 April :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Letters To You - Finch

i want to be there with open arms..
i watched How To Deal tonight.
it was really good!
i think i might like Mandy Moore
things will emma and i are back to normal, i think.
we talked for a long time earlier today.
it was so nice.
ive missed her so very much.
it's hard losing your best friend, your sister..
the girl you'd give your life for.
but she's mine again, and i couldn't be happier.
looks like im not being forced into doing something today (long story..)
which leaves monday.
i guess that's okay..i dont mind being homeless.
but, it's not really homeless, if im spending time with the one person who makes me feel home.
after all, home is where you feel safe, and loved..and that's what he makes me feel.
that among other things.
noel is being super sweet right now.
she's laying on my lap look adorable.
earlier she was kissing my chin.
i have to go put together a playlist to figure out what cds to buy.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 8 April :: 7.39pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Missing Emma Comp. CD

i tear my heart open, i sew myself shut...
today was weird.
and full of suprises.
dont really feel like going into detail..mostly cos i dont know what to say.
i do believe my parents are going to watch Apollo 13.
atleast they wont be bugging me.
justin and i might do something..tomorrow or monday..or both?
i hope.
dont know what else to say.
i think i'll just go.
nick hasn't called in forever.
bye for now.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 7 April :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Living In Your Letters - Dashboard Confessional

im trying to forget that im addicted to you..
oh yay.
tomorrow is the 8th.
just incase things couldn't get any worse.
im going to stay up until midnight tonight and tomorrow, so i can see it in and out.
staying up tomorrow night wont be too hard..i'll probably be at home on the computer.
like any other friday night.
i still cant believe it's already been 2 months.
tis insane.
two months without Her.
can i just die?

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 28 March :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Mrs. Potter's Lullaby - Counting Crows

if dreams are like movies than memories are films about ghosts..

* Gay and lesbian teens are more likely to commit suicide than their heterosexual peers, accounting for up to 30% of all completed suicides among teens.

* 50% of lesbian and gay youth report parental rejection because of their sexual orientation.

* Up to half of the gay and bisexual males forced from their homes engage in prostitution as a means to support themselves.

* The average age at which lesbians and gays acknowledge their same-sex orientation is between 14 and 16 years of age for males, and between 16 and 19 years of age for females.

* The U.S. Department of Justice has stated that homosexuals are probably the most frequent victims of hate crimes in the United States.

* 42% of homeless youth identify as gay or lesbian.

* 19% of gay men and 25% of lesbians report suffering physical violence at the hands of a family members as a result of sexual orientation.

* 97% of high school students report hearing homophobic comments made by school staff.

* In 1992, the Hetrick-Martin Institute reports that 80% of gay and lesbian teens experience feelings of severe isolation: social isolation (having no one to talk to), emotional isolation (feeling distanced from family and peers because of their sexual identity), and cognitive isolation (lack of access to good information about sexual orientation and homosexuality).

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 27 March :: 10.55am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Ghost Man On Third - Taking Back Sunday

i cant stop this anymore than you can...
happy easter!
im rather happy today.
dunno why.
but i suppose it doesn't really matter, so long as i am.
i love the smell of the house right now, it smells sooo good!
the lovely smell of turkey, veggies, and just general cooking.
dad's old highschool buddy and his wife are coming over for supper.
i got lucky, their daughter is staying home to do homework.
so i can pretty much do whatever i want after the meal.
i think i mgith come up here and a watch a movie on hmy computer.
last night mum and dad bought me Fly Away Home, and then today i got Shrek 2.
speaking of movies, justin and i went to see Guess Who last night.
twas a lot of fun.
oh, and the movie was good too. ;)
i stayed up late reading The Twisted Window, again.
i checked out a bunch of my old favorite books from the library.
i got a bunch of Caroline B. Cooney books, and then The Twisted Window (Lois Duncan).
i just couldn't sleep without reading the whole thing.
it only took me 2 hours.
i got pretty paranoid last night, and actually ended up looking under my bed.
it didn't help any.
my whole nighttime paranoia is getting worse.
but i'd feel so stupid telling my parents about it...
i dont even know why im scared..
mean, i know what im scared of, but i dont know why.
ever since i moved my bed over there, ive been freaked out.
but, i cant move it.
anyways, i think that's about all i have to say.
have a great easter everyone.

2 Rolled down my cheek | A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 26 March :: 1.14pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: The 21st - Blue October

reach, reach for the girl..
pouring rain, doughnut morning
it's raining, and all you can think of is Her.
a box of doughnuts runs across your mind,
it's chasing hotel key cards, and firey bathing suits.
your mind returns to the moment of the first.
you can almost hear snoring in the next bed...
your thoughts wander down empty hallways,
listening to the sound of Her voice.
all these memories seared into your brain forever.
two months without Her looms ahead,
if only you could rewind,
and pause life on the morning of pouring rain and doughnuts

(c) hols 2005

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 24 March :: 2.16pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Ghost of a Good Thing - Dashboard Confessional

it's getting away from you again, while you're chasing ghosts..
i found my old icon.
so, my journal is back to looking as it did for so very long.
except that i changed the title and the text for the comments.
because tis much too late to have a happy childhood.
spring break has been quite lonely.
but it rained today.
and justin will be back tomorrow.
just two and a half more hours until my spring break is over.
yeah..They're taking tomorrow off.
but ive got a computer in my room.
so i've decided i'll get on tomorrow morning when i wake up.
haven't dont much this break.
didn't even get my photography archive up on antishift (sorry heather).
well..i think i'll get on the other computer (we got a new one) and see if napster is working.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 14 March :: 7.33pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: We Have Forgotten - Sixpence None The Richer

it's creepy and it works
Take this quiz

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 27 February :: 1.55pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: All The Things She Said - T.A.T.U.

i can try to pretend i can try to forget....
i've been meaning to update..sorry.
i absolutly love this song.
i know i spelled that wrong.
im really tired..
i was going to go to bed after i got off the phone with justin last night (2 hours, 17 minutes, 2 seconds), but i couldn't sleep.
so stayed up until about 2 reading.
still didn't manage to finish my book (im re-reading OotP..err, the 5th Harry Potter book, for those of my friends who aren't 'potterheads').
i slept in until nearly noon today.
by then my parents had gone to the store and back.
i had really weird dreams last night.
mum bought glue, so i think i might use some of it for my project..
dont really feel like explaining it.
speaking of projects i need to do my final copy of my postcard for world culutures.
i dont see why we cant turn it in on tuesday when we actually have class.
oh well.
i have other homework to do, but i dont really feel like finishing it.
i hope my parents forget about PTC.
so far they haven't gone..just one more day.
im bored.
i think i'll go.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 6 February :: 3.51pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: random songs running through my head at warp speed

god must hate me...
The Flaws of Christianity

The Christian God - A Flawed Construct

Noun: god - The supernatural being conceived as the perfect and omnipotent and omniscient originator and ruler of the universe; the object of worship in monotheistic religions.

First of all, if God is perfect, why did he need angels? Angels were "helpers"; a perfect God would not need helpers. Some say that God was just lonely, if God was lonely that would mean he lacked companionship, a perfect God lacks nothing.


Why, according to the bible, God created the earth, plants, and daytime before he created the sun? There cannot be daylight without the sun. Plants cannot live without the sun (Photosynthesis). More proof that primitive man created Christianity, with no knowledge of photosynthesis and such...


According to the Bible, God punishes Jesus (who was innocent) for the mistakes of humans (who God made limited and expected them to be near perfect). How was killing Jesus a solution? God could have chosen out of many solutions for humanity's mistakes, but he chose violence. God nailed Jesus to a crucifix, cut him open, and had him remain in a tortured state until a merciful death.


God uses negative reinforcement (Hell) as part of his strategy. Why? There are only two reasons for which negative reinforcement is ever used. Either the issuer lacks control, or he is cruel by nature. First of all, a "God" cannot lack control, or he wouldn't be a God. Why didn't God make a Hell for rehabilitation or enlightment. instead of making it a place to torture sinners for eternity? In conclusion, God is cruel by nature.

Conclusion of God

As you can see, God is much like a dictator. He will only tolerate his way and destroy all other choices. Christians say that God is merciful, the bible says otherwise. According to the bible, God is a baby killing, animal sacrificing, world flooding, human testing, plague sending, first born killing, sexist, genocidal, jealous, and short tempered god, who tortured and killed his own son to appease his anger.

God: an externalization of man's ego

As you should know, all Gods are inventions of humanity. This is because man has an ego, and has a hard time accepting it. This is why he externalizes it into an all-powerful device; "God".

Think about it, God can do all the things man is forbidden to do (Kill people, make miracles, be all-controlling). Man externalizes his true self, and then fears it. Why do this? By worshipping this "God", you are worshipping what represents your true self, so why not have yourself be the God?

Christian Sins

The 7 Christian sins are: greed, pride, envy, anger, gluttony, lust, and sloth. (Satanists indulge in each of these so-called "sins" because they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification.)

What's wrong with greed and envy? These are feelings that motivate ambition. Without ambition would much get accomplished? Do you want more than you have? See you in Hell.

Gluttony is the "act" of eating more than you need to keep yourself alive. You're obese? See you in Hell.

Ah, pride. Pride is a feeling of satisfaction of your own achievements, or having self-respect. Wearing clothing for any other reason other than covering your body or protecting it from the cold is a sense of pride. Hm, *Looks around*. Lots of people going to Hell.

Sloth is to be lazy. Not wanting to get up in the morning right away is, by definition; to be guilty of sloth. Ever hit snooze on the alarm clock? See you in Hell.

Next is Lust. Do you ever have sexual urges, or have sex with someone often? See you in Hell.

Now to the last of the sins. Anger. Isn't anger self-preservation? When you are in harm, you get angry in order to protect yourself from danger. Do you indulge in anger to protect yourself? See you in Hell.

In conclusion, since all humans are sinners, and all sinners are doomed for eternity in Hell, you'll meet all of your friends there, and heaven must be empty


The first/original meaning of "Satan" was "opposition" or "challenge" before it was put in the bible. "Satan" is the Church's best friend. Without someone to point their fingers at, the Christian Church would lose all of it's followers; The Church uses Satan to threaten their followers, "Satan is vicious, cruel, brutal," "If you deny the church you will most certainly burn in Hell." This is also known as scare tactics. Similar to how some marketers sell products.

"Satan" represents opposition to all white light religions, religions that punish humanity for our natural instincts. That is why he is given the evil role; he represents the carnal or mundane aspects of life.

If you hadn't noticed, the devils of religions have always had animal characteristics (Horns, goats, etc). This just goes to show man's need to deny that he is an animal, for to so would be a huge blow to his impoverished ego.

Stop denying yourself the pleasures of Life, Live your life, recognize that you too are an animal, Deny the Christian lie!

Cruelty in The Bible

"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." (Genesis 3:16)

"For every one that curseth his father or mother shall be surely put to death." (Leviticus 20:9)

"And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him." (Genesis 38:7)

"For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast." (Exodus 12:12)

"Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth." (Psalms 58:6)

"Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak .... If they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home" (1 Cor.14:34-35)

"I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children." (Leviticus 26:22)

"Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up." (Hosea 13:16)

that's not mine, and i didn't write it.
the author can be found here
i dont care wheither you agree or not.
i do.

4 Rolled down my cheek | A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 30 January :: 9.25am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Unaffected - Hoobastank

i search for witty things to say...
weekend hasn't been bad.
friday was kind of boring..didn't do too much.
yesterday we went shopping.
got a bunch of new stuff.
also bought a CD online...Take Action! Vol. 4
you should go buy it too, it's only $3.99, and it helps to raise funds for suicide-prevention by the National Hopeline Network.
you can go here to buy it.
atleast check it out.
ive been doing a lot of stuff on GJ this weekend.
ive joined a bunch of graphics communities and stuff.
i really do like GJ...
that and xanga is currently down for "maintenance".
but it should be back up in..........about 2 1/2 hours.
ive also joined vampirefreaks.com.
you can see my "page" here
not much else to say.
have i mentioned that antishift is back up?
if not here's ANOTHER link
im out now.

1 Rolled down my cheek | A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 24 January :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Things I'll Never Say - Avril Lavigne

im searching for the words inside my head....
a lot has happened since i last updated.
early out happened.
::blushes and giggles::
and then i went over to justin's again the next day (after early out).
emma and zach's break lasted about a day and a half (at the most).
they're back together, and she's back to being moody and depressed and thinking she's fat and ugly and....UGH
it makes me mad that she's like this.
cant she see how happy she is when he's not around?
i know it's horrible, but she was so incredibly happy when they were apart, and now....
i went over to justin's yesterday.
it was so much fun.
spent about 4 1/2 hours there.
we had fun with abbie...and eachother.
this whole "missing the bus" thing has definatly become a once a week thing.
not that i mind.
neither of us do.
we're saving this week's "missed bus" for later.
mostly because he had shtuff to do today, and my parents would be suspicious if i was over there again so soon.
ive stopped saying that i "missed the bus" to Them.
now i just say "i'm going to justins. will you pick me up after work?"
and what can they say?
"no holly, you cant go there. we wont pick you up!"
fine with me.
im still hungry, so im going to go downstairs and snag some more food.
yes...ive rather given up the whole starvation thing.
so, im out.
-holly rose-

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 13 January :: 4.42pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: random songs running through my head at warp speed

ketchup, err...catch-up
i haven't written in here for awhile.
which is sad, because this is my favorite journal.
but everyone is at xanga and i just dont get much chance to write in this one.
actually, i do, but im too lazy.
managing 4 xangas is usually tiring enough.
but dont worry, i shalln't abandon this one.
i shall never abandon woohu.
okay, actually never is a REEAAAALLLLY long time, so i wont say that.
or is never a really short time?
i think that forever is the reaaaallly long time, and never is just...not at all?
confusing thoughts from my confusing mind.
but yeah..not much has happened lately.
i went over to justin's (again) on tuesday.
this isn't becoming a once a week thing...
joey thought i was going there again today, cos im at the library.
he doesn't listen very well.
emma broke up with zach.
no wait..they're taking a break
so she's been hanging out with us.
which is nice.
i love seeing her so happy...not that zach was making her sad, it's just that she's seemed happy-ish lately.
i dont really know what else to say.
my parents will be here soon, and then i'll have to go home and eat some fucking dinner.
which sucks.
i ate a bit at lunch today.
a couple pickle slices, and a few carrots.
not bad i guess..but more than i was wanting to eat today.
sooo..im out for now.
-holly rose-

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 5 January :: 9.27am
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Take It Away - The Used

i went to justin's yesterday..that was fun.
cos i........missed the bus?
we weren't staring at the buses, discussing wheither i should "miss the bus" or not.
so that was fun.
and today is a snow day.
which is pretty cool i guess.
even though it means i have to spend the whole freaking day with Them.
but i'll survive...

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2005 3 January :: 9.18am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Outside - Staind

I'm A Fake
small, simple, safe price; rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. this is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals. and i am not afraid to die. im not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight, i want the pain of payment. what's left but a section of pigmy sized cuts, much like the slew of a thousand unwanted fucks. would you be my little cut, would you be my thousand fucks? and make mark, leaving space for the guilt to be liquid. to fill and spill over and under my thoughts. my sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter; im cutting, tyrying to picture your black, broken heart.

2 Rolled down my cheek | A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2004 22 December :: 7.58am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Fountain Imperfection - Anadivine

try to take the best of me...
things haven't been too bad lately.
finals are kind of fun..we get out super early.
today we get out at 11.
and i dont have to go in until 9:30.
mum and dad left for work..dad's coming to pick me up around 9.
it feels nice to be home alone.
this is probably the last time i'll be home alone until NEXT YEAR.
mum and dad are taking tomorrow off, and obviously the 24th and 25th.
i leave the 26th until the 29th.
when i get home i have just a little while to get laundered, showered, packed and then leave again on the 30th.
we get back the 2nd..
yeah, for once im going somewhere over break.
i cant wait.
4 days until i leave!!!!
today should be fun too.
i have my science final...everybody that's taken it has said it's no as hard as mr. glenn told us it would be.
im not too worried.
finals have been going pretty well so far....
English: A- (final grade A-)
Spanish: B- (Final grade B...i think)
ELP: A+ (Final grade A+)
Chorus: Actually idk...an A, i'd guess
Algebra: uhh..D ::sheepish look:: (Final grade B-)
World Cultures: A- (Fina grade B)
Publications: B+ (Final grade B)
Science: idk.. ::sigh::

i'll post the last three later today.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2004 20 December :: 11.47am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Unwell - MB20

you dont know why you do it.
you've been turning it over in your mind, and you cant come up with a reason.
maybe you do it to feel strong.
every other part of you is weak, but you can still stick those two fingers down you throat.
you almost live for those fingers..you'll probably end up dying by them.
you dont really care about death now.
your life is food; binge, purge, binge, purge, binge, purge.
sometimes you dont even know you're doing it.
it's like your mind blacks out and then suddenly you're staring at an empty plate, or kneeling over a toliet.
sometimes you hate yourself.
you truly belive you are the fattest, ugliest, person to walk the earth.
you dont deserve food!
yet there are other times when you know what you're doing is bad.
you realise that you're killing yourself, but somehow it's unimportant.
you know all the statisics.
odds are, you'll never be over this
who cares?
as long as you've got all the food in the world, and two fingers.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2004 18 December :: 11.00am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: With You - Linkin Park

old fashioned poetry
(sorry for the general sucky-ness of these poems. they're from 6th and 7th grade, when i was still learning how to write poetry. but i dont want to lose them, so they're going in here. you dont have to read them. i know they're horrible.)
Where are you?
Why aren't you here?
I miss you,
cry for you every night.
When I wish upon a star,
I wish for you.
I wish you were here;
wish i could hold you,
wish you could hold me.
Where are you?

Look at me
Tell me who you are
Why are you here?
Where have they taken her?
I will fight if I must
But please, spare me
Just give her back!

Give me a wish.
Just one is all I ask.
Please, it's only fair.
I've never had a wish.
Do not deny me of my chance.
With or without rights, I deserve it.
I deserve a better tomorrow.
So please, give me my one wish...

Look to me.
Tell me of tomorrow.
Let me reach beyond today.
Give me a chance,
just once is all I ask.
Or be the one remembered yesterday.

*Weep Again*
Will you remember me,
or will today be forgotten?
Like all the promises you made...
Like everything that meant something,
meant something to me.
So, will you remember me,
or must I weep again?

*Miss You*
She grins,
her childlike smile mocks me.
It reminds me of what I had,
before she left..
I miss you.
Can't you come back?

Who are you?
Where did you come from?
Why are you here?
When will you leave?
Who are you?

*Grey Eyes*
The rain comes down
Thunder rolls
Rain beats the windows
Grey Eyes smiles

*She Laughs*
She laughs,
her eyes cry.
Her lovely, grey eyes sob.
Somehow, she laughs.

*Outer-world Life*
A mocking grin upon his face
He beats her down onto the ground
She cries for helop but no one comes
The world goes black right in her eyes
Everything gone, she cant hear her own cries
Moments later she wakes up
He's not there, but did he run?
She stands alone, enters back into life
A moment won from all her strife
Alone we shine, together bright
A life's lesson we all must learn
So take today, to learn tonight
An outer-world's life.

I circle around you,
nice and slow.
I notice wonder in your eyes,
your childlike smirk.
I smile back,
but no, that's not happiness.
I close my eyes,
the world spins.
As I circle around you.

*The Light*
The light shines
The light shines
blinding me....
The light shines
blinding me for days....
The light shines.

(the next one ISN'T mine. it was given to a friend, and she passed to along to me. tis one of my favorite poems though)
Tenebrosity dwells within the inert one
Unbeknownst is the interior
Perpetually intermittent and surpressed sorrows

Puzzlement to potentialities
Never patent, perhaps never tasted
to be wild for, to be though or dreamed of
to be sought after, to be close

Yet there is no countenance
For it is never seen
Nor your anger or sorrow dope out

Left to wander on the fields of nothingness
Journeying through the black snow
With infinate pain being broken heart
The uncared for, the unwanted
Unnoticed and furthermore ignored

The pale visage of the one whom feeds on lives
Creature of the night
Coffin rest my imomortal bound self

Realize if you only would
This pain, this nihility
Eating away inward
Eventually to devour whole the sleeper

Shattered is everything
Why be concealed in a mask of thin happiness
When you only need to heal that which is unhappy
Why does the one who cares most hold back
When truly what is meant is never said
Why is it so hopeless
When it hasn't been given a chance
Why do we become embittered
When life is so short and everything will either push or pull

If you only knew what is really felt
Whenever we talk
There's no easy way to say this
You say never to say an apology
Maybe this is your way to get me to open up
Even thought there exists these doubts

For the point after
As we struggle to and from eachother
Do you honestly like it when we aren't talking to eachother
Life is so short
Maintaining it, only to loose it all
As death is our one downfall

Did you know what was said
When it was told that
Lending you the arms that have no other use
As they wrap around you
Not to manipulate only to deviate
To warm you, to embrace you

Feared is the concequence for a hand moving deeper
As you shout with adrenaline-filled moans
Does eternity mean anything to you

Talking from the endless dark sea of stars in the sky
Given mortality, given individuality
Darkness eminating and unchoked
Depression, absolute zero, to be forgotten
Solitude, masquerade, serenade
Regret, guilt, loss, qualm
Dispair, penance, punishment
Tragedy without sympathy

Where are you
This is asked
Gloom of the weak and weary heart of mind
Aching deep inside
Emptiness which once only death could fill
Oh you wont fill it in

Make a pact and paint it black
Cos in the end it is known that what you want
And maybe this one has it
For already you stole his heart
Please finish it, take the rest for you are desired
And let darkness take you

Come closer and feel my you are admired
At the heart, at the core, at the center
Like the sun it rises for you
Like the moon it has fallen for you
Take it into your hands
Stroke and paddle along the surreptitious river
Like a whistle placed between those flavoursome lips

(well, that's it for now. all my newest old poetry has been preserved.)

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2004 17 December :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: By Myself - Linkin Park

trust no one and live in loneliness
nik is mad at me.
scratch that, nik hates me.
he cant understand why i had to give up belief.
he's angry that i cant be the "great healer" he sees in me.
i feel bad, but he's so stubborn.
he was a wonderful teacher, and i really will miss him, but im better off without belief.
without belief i cant get hurt.
i dont need nik.
all i need is me.

and maybe a couple other people....

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2004 16 December :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: A Place For My Head - Linkin Park

can i be your memory?
ive been thinking a lot recently, and remembering random things.
like shon's block party, and walking around the soccer field with sam, and spending the night at emma's, and sitting under the table doing math with saba.
memory is weird, you never know what moments your mind will keep.
it's impossible to pinpoint the second that the present becomes a memory.

people say life goes on.
but it doesnt, if life were to really go on there would be no memory.
life doesnt go on.

time goes on.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2004 15 December :: 8.55pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: With You - Linkin Park

THE FRESHMAN - The Verve Pipe

When I was young I knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now Im guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a babys breath and a shoe full of rice

I cant be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I wont be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and wed never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe wed ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a weeks vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks worth of Valium and slept
Now hes guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I cant be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I wont be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and wed never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe wed ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

Weve tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how were guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, wed say

I cant be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I wont be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and wed never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe wed ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and wed never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe wed ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen

This is a truly tragic song.
For those that dont know the story,
The song is about two of the band members
One of their girlfriends fell in love with someone else who was in the band.
I believe she had an affair and became pregnant because she also had an abortion.
Not knowing what to do, since she loved both of them and was overwhelmed,
she took her own life.

there are so many people that whine that their songs are not good.
Would it be worth it to have events such as these happen,
and lose a part of your soul, each time you write a song?

2 Rolled down my cheek | A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2004 11 December :: 11.59pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Run Away - Live

i'd do anything just to fall asleep with you..
well tonight wasn't too bad.
we sat around and talked, and then watched a movie.
stayed there until about a quarter to 11.
i was supposed to be going to bed, but im not really tired.
isn't it weird that im more awake when im functioning on less sleep?
like last night i got to bed about 2:30 or 3, but come 7, i was up and ready to roll.
and now that i've been up since 7 going strong, im ready to party the night away.
i guess maybe it's having the computer back in the office.
tis very nice.
i can be on late again.
i was starting to miss my late night AIM chats..though nobody is on now.
err..i dont think so anyways.
maybe i should actually sign on.
::pause while holly signs on::
nope, just taylor jo and bire.
taylor and i talked a little last night.
twas nice.
xanga is being gay.
i keep getting errors and shit.
which sucks, because i was working on layouts.
i think we're going to the mall tomorrow, so that'll be fun.
i still have a TON of christmas shopping to do.
seriously, i have no idea what to get people.
i only have a couple presents.
im bored...
wish i wasn't so antisocial on weekends.
well, im out for now.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2004 11 December :: 4.10pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Yes Sir, Mr. Machine - Anadivine

cant find the way..
not much is happing..
we're going over to a friend's house for dinner tonight.
i think it's funny, they have a daughter my age, who goes to school with us, but we never talk unless it's when we go over for dinner.
i guess we're just so different now.
she's sort of into more girlish things, like horses, hollister, and shoes.
im more into cats, hot topic, and witchcraft.
even though i dont practice witchcraft anymore..
nik would be soo disappointed if he knew i'd totally given it up.
oh well.
but what was i talking about?
oh yeah..dinner tonight.
it usually ends up being pretty fun, they're kind of rich, and have lots of cool things to do.
i think tonight we're decorating cookies, playing ping pong, and watching a movie.
shouldnt be too bad.
i'd rather do something with friends, but i cant.
i mean i could, but i tend to not do stuff on weekends so people dont ask me if i want to anymore.
we decorated our christmas tree today.
i really wish i had a good camera so i could get photography pictures of it.
but i dont.
i found some good bands though.
Palomar, Sparta, Anadivine, and Lacuna Coil.
so far Anadivine is my favorite.
i'll update later.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.


:: 2004 11 December :: 12.14pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Come In Closer - Blue October

my words become sad..
tonight was boring.
i think it's foreshadowing for my weekend.
hope not.
if anyone can do something (and would like to) feel free to call.
im freeee as a bird.
i cant type much, cos mum's half awake and she'll yell at me for still being on the computer.
dunno why..i got 4 hours of sleep earlier this evening.
oh well.
maybe i'll go continue working on my ICL assignment.
wish somebody was online.

A tear for everything that i did wrong.

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