2005 9 October :: 2.09 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Atlast My love Has come along
A horrible day is worth seeing you smile at me when it's over.
Im hurting from bottling everything inside of me. But lately its like everything I say gets me in trouble. So Iíve been keeping everything to myself. I have bite marks on my tongue from things I should have said, but chose not to. Im dealing with so much regret and I donít know what to do with it. I want to say what I want without it getting me in trouble. Just voice my opinions. It hurts taking everybodys input, and stopping myself from saying something that could be bad.
Im not sure whats going on in my mind, but its so damn confusing. Im so lost in love. Okay not so much lost but scared. Scared to death that one day Iíll wake up and it wont be there. Afraid that one day heís going to realize just how amazing he really is.
Theres just some things that he does that make me think this. Theres so much that I donít know about his life. I donít know his whole family. I donít know his deep secrets, I donít even know what makes him happy, or whatís on his mind and it DRIVES ME EFFING CRAZY !!!.
Arguing is natural. But sometimes I think he does it intentionally. He gets upset and doesnít talk to or look at me. I wish he wouldnít spend all of his time hanging onto his pride hesitating and procrastinating about a risk that would be so worth taking. Like letting me know that im important enough to just give up the fight that will get us nowhere anyways. Everything I go through - tears upon tears of not knowing what hes thinking and what he wants. Iíll admit, I get upset my fair share.
Sometimes I just get worried that hes going to move on to bigger and better things. Just knowing that I get to him is what keeps me going. Just to see him smile at me after a long day, and know that hes happy, that hes truly happy to see me, makes me feel so blessed. So incredibly blessed that of all the people in this world, he allowed me to walk into his life and he allowed me to love him.
We talk about all these plans of the future and what will happen. But its hard to think of that when its hard going through the present. I want to live in the moment. In this moment. The future will still be ahead of us, waiting for us.
I want to let fate take care of everything. Have everything be spur of the moment. Itís the little things in life that count. I want to live for the moments that I cant put into words. I want to live my life, knowing that he loves me more than anything. He tells me this often.
But sometimes, its more than words. Sometimes, I can justÖ feel it. Its like sometimes when he looks at me, everything in the world stops until he blinks. Then reality comes back and everythings changed. Its like for that moment,
we connected in a way that nobody else ever has.
Dan - I love you so much and theres no way possible that i could ever explain it .. the only thing i can do is just tell you everyday that i love you and hope that you know exactly what i mean. Hoping you'll understand because you feel the same way. <3
2005 30 September :: 6.19 pm
:: Mood: rushed
:: Music: Never be Replaced
"When it rains, It pours".
Jordan, your an effing genius. When I saw that you wrote that, it made me wanna cry. Within the last 3-5 days, reality has been kicking my ass. This isnt a perfect world, nobody's life is perfect, and fyi-
IM NOT PERFECT!!!!
Im not even close. No where near close. It's hard to try when everybody around you is pressuring to do this and to do that, eventually assholes it all builds up. I just wish I could go a f***ing day without one person nagging me about one thing or another.
Can't someone just hold my hand and tell me that it will all be alright? You'd think he would... but I cant tell him these kind of things. He thinks everything over here is leave it to effing beaver.
Well, It's not.
These kind of problems are the kind that drive one to insanity.
6 <3 |
2005 27 September :: 3.34 pm
How could you say something so harsh
to someone who you should love so much.
Why do I feel so empty.
Iím crying out for some stability.
You've destroyed every one of my securities.
I'm breaking down,
pray for me.
3 <3 |
2005 26 September :: 7.54 pm
Okay, the phone is back to its rightful owner. Yee-Ha.
So in other news, Im making lots and lots of new friends. Its pretty cool.
Im sick of getting caught into your web of lies.
Did anyone ever realize Just how fake people in this world are. For once i'd just like somebody to be Real with me.
Gotta go get ready.
I miss Andrea and Ashley. I love you two so much!!
7 <3 |
2005 25 September :: 1.47 am
It's 1:47. I should be sleeping. But I cant. Has anybody ever had a secret, but weren't able to tell anybody. Even if the secret is the greatest thing in the world, and your sworn not to say anything.
I NEED TO TELL SOMEBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh. I'll go talk to my Dog. She'll listen. That's all I really need. Just someone to listen to me.
6 <3 |
2005 24 September :: 10.58 am
My mom is a fucking Psycho.
14 <3 |
2005 18 September :: 1.51 pm
So Yeah. Last night I got to the theater a little late. Dan had everything prepared though. He had my ticket, popcorn, a drink with 2 straws (just how I like it) Gummi Worms and Mints. That's awesome huh!?!?
Erika that was a good movie. It wasnt as scary as I wanted it to be. Alot of it is in a court room but it has its parts. That girl has problems.
He's more perfect than ever. And it scares me, because when we get this close, something goes wrong and then we fight... I don't want to fight right now.
I want to go hang out with Andrea right now!!
9 <3 |
2005 17 September :: 7.40 pm
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: McLucious
I'm Going to the movies tonight to see the emily rose movie, with Dan!!!
I know ash i didnt believe it either, but he's going to suck it up and watch it with me *smiles*
I love you!
3 <3 |
2005 14 September :: 4.57 pm
:: Mood: Sick
:: Music: Hide and Seek
2005 9 September :: 4.20 pm
"I dont feel the love...bitches!"
I love My cake, and I love my bicycle partner.
See you hotties lata ;)
17 <3 |