"She was who she once was, but not as I had known her."

 

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Life Is An Ever Changing Road

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skife

:: 2016 22 August :: 5.33pm

I don't feel like adulting today.

smile


rayray

:: 2016 22 April :: 12.14pm

Today marks one month since the accident. I am finally feeling relief after going to the chiropractor. I am still recovering though. Occasionally I have brain fog, or things get fuzzy and I have a hard time focusing. Everyday I am even more grateful that my baby was unharmed in the accident. Last week was the first time that she had even asked questions about the accident. I knew it was going to happen, and I didn't press her after the accident because I was waiting for her to be ready. After the accident she asked what happened one time. And it was literally the first thing out of her mouth after we stopped. From that point on, all she would say was "I hate that lady's car for hitting us. She's a bad driver. I hate her driving". I would always reassure her that the only thing that mattered was that we were okay. I have been trying hard to not harbor anger over the whole ordeal. I am pissed that she wrecked my car. I am pissed that I am still recovering. But the fact that even after all that, my child is okay, makes me not want to hang onto those feelings of anger or hatred. Reagan could have been killed, or severely injured. She could have had cuts ALL over her body from all the glass. She could have been covered in glass, but for some reason she wasn't.

smile


sugarjackj

:: 2015 6 March :: 2.41am
:: Mood: Tired

OK, so, today was alright. Which is fantastic because the past week has been very depressing.
I genuinely smiled/laughed at a couple things today. I didn't have the overwhelming feeling of awful gross all day, which again, was pretty sweet.
Tomorrow my dad is having surgery on his neck in GR.
Apparently he has some sort of hereditary spinal degeneration something-or-other that my grandma also had.
So I can look forward to that coming down the pipeline eventually.
The surgeons with be removing a vertebrae from my fathers neck and fusing the remaining vertebrae together. Its a three hour surgery that requires an overnight stay.
I'm nervous because in my eyes, my big, heroic, invincible father will be going under the knife.
I'm going to be thirty in a couple years, my dads heath is staring to deteriorate and how the fuck did we get here.
Its really alright. I just am jolted sometimes when time slaps me in the face.
So I'm going to the hospital to be there for my dad. I'm also going to be there for my mom, who needs emotional support since it will be in the same hospital my grandpa lost his battle to cancer just over a year ago.
I've been pretty shut-in the past couple of months and spending the next couple days with my emotional, concerned and neurotic mother is not something I am particularly looking forward to.
But.it.must.be.done.
I just hope the surgery is 100% successful and that my mother and I can play cool.

1 laugh | smile


joeydomina

:: 2015 3 March :: 3.18am

Holy jeez. I still have this. I live!

smile


spinder

:: 2014 25 October :: 10.16am

I tend to be very hesitant about claiming good things have happened. I've had so many amazing interviews that never panned out that my general reaction to positive things is that life is just trying to play a trick on me.

smile


skife

:: 2014 20 September :: 11.41am

things that make me not want to get married
1. the wedding.

3 laughs | smile


skife

:: 2014 25 August :: 9.10pm




possible road trip next summer.

2 laughs | smile


sugarjackj

:: 2014 29 May :: 11.16pm

fuck bitches, get money
I'm making enough money to buy the shit I want and do the things I want to do.
You can call me a quitter because I'm not doing my "dream job".

Money cant buy happiness.
But it can sure buy me the things that make life cushy.

And I like that.

1 laugh | smile


skife

:: 2014 14 April :: 9.48pm

things i should be doing right now:

getting ready for bed

things i'm actually doing right now:
my taxes


Procrastination: Hard work might pay off later, being lazy pays off now.

2 laughs | smile


spinder

:: 2014 6 March :: 6.39pm

Cancer update: Still sucks. Dont get it.
Mortality is an odd concept. When faced with someone you love keeling over it looms large in your mind. It changes alot of how you feel about your own life.

When the protagonist of that story rolls off her death bed and decides to keep living its really a bit jarring. I'm not complaining, its wonderful, but to a certain extent I was very ready to deal with Gloria's death. A lot of mental turmoil goes into preparing for that. For the time being, though, I can continue pretending everyone will continue living forever.

I just realized something while I was typing this. Now I know which of my parents I get my procrastination streak from.

Ahhaha... Dont judge; She'd laugh.

4 laughs | smile


m&ms487

:: 2014 17 February :: 9.27am
:: Mood: pensive

I'm twenty-six and probably buying a house in a few months.

smile


sugarjackj

:: 2014 14 February :: 2.32am

I feel like a 16 year old girl again. Not the best time in my life...
The same man keeps breaking my heart time and time again.
I cant help but always be there for him. I am unable to separate myself from him.

And its fucking killing me.

I broke up with my past 3 boyfriends. It just wasnt right. I know this.
But how am I supposed to move on when I gave my whole heart to someone else?

Thats not fair to the men I am dating. And I know that.

What I dont know is how to make these feelings stop.

Fuck.
After a year and a half of not being with you, you come back into my life and its like Im unable to function. Paralyzed by your presence.

What the hell is my problem.
Why cant I just leave you and be on my merry way?

I have to do something but am completely at a stand-still.
I would rather have you in my life than not. Even if its just as friends. Because after all, you are my greatest friend.

But emotionally I am a shit show because of it.

2 laughs | smile


skife

:: 2013 15 December :: 11.03pm

a friend of mine post this on facebook a few days ago...

i read it and realised that i'm an introvert...
life made alot of sense afterwards.


http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-only-introverts-will-understand

smile


skife

:: 2013 3 December :: 8.11pm



every day... i'm miserable.

3 laughs | smile


rayray

:: 2013 11 November :: 3.12pm

Yesterday, my mom had a heart attack. This morning she had a heart cath, and it showed that she has a small blockage but they aren't doing a stent because it could cause more harm than good. I was told this morning she would be coming home tonight, but by the time I got to class, they decided to keep her for another day. And the cardiologist told her numerous times she needs to quit smoking. So I am hoping that, the heart attack and the fact she has already been told by her doctor that has been treating her for Lupus, is enough to get it in full swing..

smile


m&ms487

:: 2013 15 September :: 8.47pm
:: Music: Man on Fire-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

PhDing and teaching. It involves lots of reading. And grading. Eventually, there will be writing. This year marks my 4th academic publication, and 2014 will hold conference presentations 7-9 at major conferences.

I really hope there will be some semblance of a good job at the end of all of this.

1 laugh | smile


skife

:: 2013 12 September :: 9.11pm

so, i applied for a job today that required me to write a cover letter.
I've never done that before.
adult decisions.

1 laugh | smile


skife

:: 2013 9 September :: 9.57pm

went to andy's house tonight, his mom called me earlier today to see if i could come over and get some pictures and videos off an old phone.

it was an interesting expierence. We talked about alot of things, some made me laugh, some made me sad.

Just an interesting expierence all around.

1 laugh | smile


rayray

:: 2013 2 September :: 9.41am

I started my last fall semester of college last week. So far, I hate it because I have to go to class 3 times a week. But, at least this semester is going to be a breeze compared to next semester.

My mom has lupus, but it's just the horrible rash on her face, no organs are being affected or causing it, yet. She told me that her doctor told her that she HAD to quit smoking, so she is cutting back and going to try the e-cig before she tries chantix. I'm not going to hold my breath. I want to have hope that she will quit smoking and maybe she will even quit drinking or at least cut back tremendously and live a semi-normal life. I'd like to think that at some point in my life, I can go visit her and not wreak of smoke just from sitting on her couch.

My brother had his 6 month check up to see if the cancer is back, and there are signs the cancer has come back, or it's just residue from the hodgkin's that wasn't seen in the last scan. Not sure what's going on, because he hasn't heard from his doctor or had any more tests scheduled.

Reagan so badly wants to go to school, but is too young by a week to start preschool. Preschool that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for on top of fundraising anyway. I would love for her to go, but I think she will benefit from going to daycare a couple days a week to.

smile


m&ms487

:: 2013 31 July :: 3.18pm

We move to Indiana in five days. I start my PhD in two and a half weeks.

1 laugh | smile


skife

:: 2013 15 July :: 7.43pm

sometimes i'm pissed off and i don't know why.

4 laughs | smile


sugarjackj

:: 2013 5 June :: 8.51pm

You're.

smile


skife

:: 2013 2 June :: 10.20am

only so much shit i can put up with... ugggh.

1 laugh | smile


rayray

:: 2013 28 May :: 10.05am

A year ago today, my brother got some pretty life changing news. It's so crazy and amazing that within the last year, he has found out that he had cancer, had chemo and has been in remission for 4 months.

smile


skife

:: 2013 16 May :: 9.42am

jobless again... fuck me.

boss called me into his office this morning and told me "the guys say you're not progressing anymore"

and he let me go...

2 laughs | smile


sugarjackj

:: 2013 3 April :: 1.27am
:: Music: Queens Of The Stone Age

The album is due in June, titled "Like clockwork".
You can read a little bit about the album and check out their new song "My God is the sun" on this link.
Queens of the Stone Age's new album

It's been 6 years since QOTSA has released any new marital.


"My God is the sun"
Far beyond the desert road
Where everything hangs off
So good the empty space
And to erase the given......

Healing, like fire from above
Kneeling, my god is the sun
Healing, with fire from above
Kneeling, my god is the sun

I dont know what time it was
I dont wear a watch
So good to be an ant who crawls
Atop a spinning rock

Healing, like fire from above
Kneeling, my god is the sun
Healing, with fire from above
Kneeling, my god is the sun

Healing, like fire from above
Kneeling, my god is the sun
Feeling, healing, nothing (loving)
...
Love us
Heal us
Always (look at) the sky

2 laughs | smile


sugarjackj

:: 2013 22 March :: 11.19pm

Woohu,
I'll write you tommorow.
-Jacqulyn

smile


spinder

:: 2013 20 March :: 2.13am

No really.
Don't get cancer.

smile


skife

:: 2013 17 March :: 8.28pm

so...

ran a 5k in 37:50 yesterday.

literally went from couch to 5k with no training.

1 laugh | smile


spinder

:: 2013 9 March :: 1.01am

Generally, when people have stage four cancer they freak out a little bit. They emotion dump. Something.

Aside from beating it back as best as possible, my mother seems to be generally more concerned with other people freaking out. I think the fact that she has described chemo as "sort of fun" and stage IV cancer as "One of the worse ones, I'm not sure, I don't think it goes to V" kind of highlights why she's one of the few people in life I'd rather not have die of cancer right now.

She's always been intensely unconcerned with what the world thinks is important. She had kids, grew some gardens, and now she's likely dieing. Why the hell is everyone so concerned with this?

The way you act, the way you live, the way you die is all up for scrutiny. Its nice to see someone saying to hell with it and just enjoying the ride.

Its just not so nice when its your mother. I cant tell If I can pull off her particular brand of life philosophy right this instant.

2 laughs | smile

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