Generally, when people have stage four cancer they freak out a little bit. They emotion dump. Something.
Aside from beating it back as best as possible, my mother seems to be generally more concerned with other people freaking out. I think the fact that she has described chemo as "sort of fun" and stage IV cancer as "One of the worse ones, I'm not sure, I don't think it goes to V" kind of highlights why she's one of the few people in life I'd rather not have die of cancer right now.
She's always been intensely unconcerned with what the world thinks is important. She had kids, grew some gardens, and now she's likely dieing. Why the hell is everyone so concerned with this?
The way you act, the way you live, the way you die is all up for scrutiny. Its nice to see someone saying to hell with it and just enjoying the ride.
Its just not so nice when its your mother. I cant tell If I can pull off her particular brand of life philosophy right this instant.
I'm beginning to think that what you give up on in life is far more defining than what you acquire, or what you have lost.
What you acquire is rarely tied to any rational explanation. What you lose is even more random. What we give up intentionally is perhaps the one choice we can say is our own. Less influenced by things outside of our intentions.
I imagine we mostly lump giving up on a thing with a loss of a thing. Perhaps I'm splitting hairs best left whole, perhaps not. Its interesting to look at things from my life and decide which was which. What did I cast aside, and what has life cast aside without my input?
Sometimes life removes something important and you realize just how long its been since you cast it aside with disinterest and apathy. Even if the day before you wouldn't have described it in such a way.
Family is like that. You get a call and the word "cancer" makes you think about how little you've kept in touch.
Today I remembered that I forgot to sign up for Spring classes last week, so I got a pretty crappy schedule.. But, I found out that I will be done Fall of next year.. Not sure what I will do when I don't have school anymore.. I will have to go back to work, because I have an ass load of student loans to pay back.. Maybe I can put off getting a job until Reagan is in school full time.. Seems weird that I will be done with college in a year..
I have to avoid pointing out on facebook that the concept of going Galt doesn't work if your profession is a register jockey.
Congratulations, you removed yourself from society. We sure will miss you. How the hell will we ever find someone to work the register at 7-11?! By gods the gears of industry are falling down about us as we speak.
Can't sleep.. Not sure if it's because I don't feel good, or because my mind won't shut off.. 7 Years later and I still can't believe we are together.. Pretty sure neither one of us thought it would last this long.. We sure press each others buttons, and annoy the hell out of each other, we aren't perfect, and we both might be a little on the bipolar side.. But I am glad that I said yes to going on a date with him. I can't picture anyone else I would want to go to bed next to each night..
Iím doing well. I'm in school once again. This time I'm getting my one year certificate for accounting and my bs to be decided at a later date. I got a nice promotion at work. I am now a night auditor and front desk manager. Never thought I would enjoy pushing papers and crunching numbers as much as I do. My mom was an accountant thought so perhaps it just runs in the family.
I'm on top of life right now and it's great.
I'm sick of this town though. I'm jumping ship as soon as I can. There is nothing left for me here. I'm going to save up a little money, find a job in Kalamazoo and move back. Itís rather exciting for me to think about. I miss Kalamazoo and I know it holds more opportunity for me than this shit hole. I'll be by family and friends, and a little closer to GR which makes me happy. I just need to have a job secured before I make my move.
In two days I will officially be the owner of a new car :) Itís been two years since I had my license or a car so I'm pretty geeked.
This guy I was seeing turned out to be a total boner so that is no more. Lol oh well, I feel better single so I won't complain any.
For being a college town this place seems very desolate most of the time.
In the past summer break always started to get very very old near the end. So much that I generally ended up waiting for school to start.
Summer break ended like 7 weeks ago, and I'm still stuck waiting to leave this god forsaken place and find purpose in life.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't deal with real life. Why am I so weak? I have a bachelor's degree that I can't do anything with except go to grad school but that seems to overwhelming for me to even think about. Every time it crosses my mind that I need to apply, I quickly think of something else. It's like I'm trying to sabotage myself. Next month I have to start paying back all of my student loans and I have a job making $11/hour. I also am going to be getting less on my paychecks b/c I need to start paying for benefits. I just want to run away and not deal with anything. I had this magical life pictured in my head that I would go to college, go straight through to grad school, become a speech pathologist, have money and not struggle like my parents. It seems like that is too far out of my comfort zone and what I'm familiar with. I'm familiar with pain, no money and struggle. My mom struggles every day and cries to me b/c they can't afford fuel oil or the bills. I literally feel like I want to bash my head into a wall everyday b/c of how my life has turned out. And it's nobody's fault but my own. I hide from everything I should be doing and then sit here and cry b/c of how it is.
I'm literally afraid to check my cmich email b/c my two professors that said they would write letters of rec for me have probably been emailing me wondering if I died or something. Why am I afraid to do GOOD for myself?
2012 14 September :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Fun: Walking the Dog
I survived getting sick from my students/colleagues until the end of week three. I'll take it.
I'm getting back in the groove. Things seem more like a clusterfuck, but they seem easier.
I'm taking Old English this semester, for no other reason than it's a degree requirement for a linguistics credit. I'd rather take French. With that being said, apparently two hellish years of French have really beefed up my language skills, and it's going quite easily. Perhaps I'll be one of those people who knows like five (useful) languages eventually.
Thesis. Blech. I don't want to talk about it.
Teaching is going well. I get their first drafts of their first paper by Monday at midnight. We're having fun in class, and they're all really good kids. I expect at least a quarter of them will fail the first draft, but the good thing for them about English is that we offer revisions. Lots and lots of revisions.
Other things are going well, but clouding the periphery--union stuff, graduate literary journal, other groups, non-profit work, academic senate/the eboard for that, too, and now I'm enrolled in a teaching academy through the university (only about 15 people university-wide were selected in total).
PhD applications in a few months.
I guess I should go parse some Old English or grade some papers. What else is there to do while being sick on a Friday night?
I really honestly wish I would have been checking out my hair in the mirror or daydreaming or fiddling with the radio for the 1/10th of a second it would have taken to run that idiotic drunken fuck over.
Then I could just smile at this everyday drunk fuck fratboy bullshit and smile to myself. "I win drunk frat boys. I win".
As it is, it makes me want to strangle one of them at random.
Jesus, their still drunk. Its been like five days?